The Doctor

contrive

Sorry if I offend, Lady Alyx. I trash her in death as I did during her OxyContin and booze driven life. And I'll say no more on the matter.

Please don't get me wrong, lovely Alyx. I'm equally sick to death of the talentless famous we're besieged with every day. Witless Spears, Lindsey "Weekend Rehab" Lohan, Parasite Hilton, Jessica Simpleton, and the rest of the pop tarts and flop tarts that garner fame for having a pulse and no knickers. Yes, it's sad that the slow-motion train wreck that was Anna Nicole Smith finally ground to an ignominious halt. But it was inevitable. And her poor child that she left behind will be in therapy from about age 7 on, thanks to her walking pharmacy of a mother and whoever wins the upcoming game of "Spin the Daddy" That's the real tragedy.

Am I the only one that could care less about Anna Nicole Smith? I got tired of watching her drool on herself years ago. Just being honest.

Let's see... An old-school, text-based multiplayer game that's still in beta? *YAWN* I'll pass.

sketch

SEVENTY-TWO VIRGINS by STEVE MARTIN Virgin No. 1: Yuck. Virgin No. 2: Ick. Virgin No. 3: Ew. Virgin No. 4: Ow. Virgin No. 5: Do you like cats? I have fourteen! Virgin No. 6: I’m Becky. I’ll be legal in two years. Virgin No. 7: Here, I’ll just pull down your zipper. Oh, sorry! Virgin No. 8: Can we cuddle first? Virgin No. 9: It was a garlic-and-onion pizza. Why? Virgin No. 10: . . . so I see Heath, and he goes, “Like, what are you doing here?,” and I go, “I’m hangin’ out,” so he goes, “Like, what?” . . . Virgin No. 11: First you’re going to have to show me an up-to-date health certificate. Virgin No. 12: Hurry! My parents are due home! Virgin No. 13: Do you want the regular or the special? Virgin No. 14: I’m eighty-four. So what? Virgin No. 15: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Virgin No. 16: Even I know that’s tiny. Virgin No. 17: “Do it”? Meaning what? Virgin No. 18: I’m saving myself for Jesus. Virgin No. 19: Somewhere on my body I have hidden a buffalo nickel. Virgin No. 20: Don’t touch my hair! Virgin No. 21: I hope you’re not going to sleep with me and then go sleep with seventy-one others. Virgin No. 22: Do you mind if we listen to Mannheim Steamroller? Virgin No. 23: Are you O.K. with the dog on the bed? Virgin No. 24: Would you mind saying, “Could I see you in my office, Miss Witherspoon?”? Virgin No. 25: Ride me! Ride me, Lucky Buck! Virgin No. 26: You like your vanilla hot? Virgin No. 27: Does Ookums like Snookums? Virgin No. 28: It’s so romantic here, dead. Virgin No. 29: Well, I’m a virgin, but my hand isn’t. Virgin No. 30: You are in? Virgin No. 31: Hi, cowboy. I just rode down from Brokeback Mountain. Virgin No. 32: I’m a virgin because I’m so ugly. Virgin No. 33: You like-ee? Virgin No. 34: I’ll betcha you can’t get an erection. Go on, impress me. C’mon, show me. Show me, big shot. Virgin No. 35: By the way, here in Heaven “virgin” has a slightly different meaning. It means “chatty.” Virgin No. 36: Sure, I like you, but as a friend. Virgin No. 37: No kissing. I save that for my boyfriend. Virgin No. 38: I’m Zania, from the planet Xeron. My vagina is on my foot. Virgin No. 39: It’s a lesion, and, no, I don’t know what kind. Virgin No. 40: I’m Jewish. Why do you ask? Virgin No. 41: Hi, I’m Becky. Oh, whoops—you again. Virgin No. 42: I just love camping! Camping is so great! Can we go camping sometime? Virgin No. 43: In the spirit of full disclosure, I’m a single mom. Virgin No. 44: You like my breasts? They were my graduation gift. Virgin No. 45: When you’re done, you should really check out how cool this ceiling is. Virgin No. 46: I’m almost there. Just another couple of hours. Virgin No. 47: Get your own beer, you nitwit. Virgin No. 48: No, you’ve got it wrong. We’re in the Paradise Casino. Virgin No. 49: I really enjoyed that. Thank you very much. Gee, it’s late. Virgin No. 50: You make me feel like a real woman. And after this is over I’m going to find one. Virgin No. 51: What do you mean, “move a little”? Virgin No. 52: Not now, I’m on my BlackBerry. Virgin No. 53: I love it when you put on your pants and leave. Virgin No. 54: We’ve been together twenty-four hours now, and, you know, sometimes it’s O.K. to say something mildly humorous. Virgin No. 55: That was terrible. I should have listened to the other virgins. Virgin No. 56: I think I found it. Is that it? Oh. Is this it? Oh, this must be it. No? Virgin No. 57: It must be hot in here, because I know it’s not me. Virgin No. 58: Those are my testicles. Virgin No. 59: Did you know that “virgin” is an anagram of Irving? Virgin No. 60: First “Spamalot,” then sex. Virgin No. 61: Great! I was hoping for circumcised. Virgin No. 62: Was that it? Virgin No. 63: Dang. George Clooney was being reckless on a motorcycle, but instead I got you. Virgin No. 64: Tonight, I become a woman. But until then you can call me Bob. Virgin No. 65: They’re called “adult diapers.” Why? Virgin No. 66: We could do it here for free, or on a stage in Düsseldorf for money. Virgin No. 67: I’m just Virgin No. 67 to you, right? Virgin No. 68: Pee-yoo. Are you wearing Aramis? Virgin No. 69: Condom, please. Virgin No. 70: My name is Mother Teresa. Virgin No. 71: I’m not very good at this, but let’s start with the Reverse Lotus Blossom. Virgin No. 72: It was paradise, until you showed up.

Full information including itinerary and prices can be found here: All-Star Travel

Did someone say attitude?

I punted his first post out of the "Pirate Crews" forum because it had zilch to do with pyrate groups.

I did not say that every man carried a whip, nor that any particular man carried a whip at all times. Only that at whip was available for delivering punishment. And one can reasonably deduce that theft was prevalent enough that it warranted specific mention in the ship's articles, as were gambling and drinking. And the historical accounts support it. Draw what conclusion you will.

Christine, love... wouldn't you agree that building suspense by oh, say, teasing, makes the final experience that much sweeter?

Jill's absolutely right. All one needs to do is read any of the extant ship's articles. Reckless behavior or theft could get you on the wrong end of Moses' Law - "40 lashes less one". And a cat-o'-nine-tails (usually stored in a sack) was the typical tool of choice. And as you guessed that's where we presumably get the phrase "let the cat out of the bag".

No... the bullwhip and the rose thing. Never mind.

Sorry, I just had one of those "Gomez Addams" moments...

-2 F, with snow. Bleh.

Not yet, but I'll let everyone know the moment I hear anything. :)

I've started a photo album here - Jack's Photos I'll be adding to them as time permits. Enjoy!

Here are our two new friends Jackie and Linda. These lovely ladies were cozying up to the ship's Captain when the group shot was taken.

AFTER ACTION REPORT - RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL CRUISE 2007 ************************************************** Part 2 ------- During our day at Cozumel, Janelle's MS decided to raise it's ugly head and weaken her left leg. Fortunately we were able to buy a stout cane at one of the shops. She didn't get around fast, but at least she was steadier. The first official "Formal Night" was a blast. Here we were, 50+ Rennies in our finery, chuckling at the confused and sometimes indignant mundanes. Some of them thought that we worked for Carnival and that they'd been left out of some fun event. We assured them that no, we didn't work for Carnival (because we enjoy our drink WAY too much), and yes, they were left out of a hell of a roving party. By this time, everyone in our group had gotten to know one another, so we were in full Fest mode. That's right; we were loud, rowdy, and for the most part, drunk. Our wait staff really enjoyed our boisterous nature, because we treated each night as a joyful feast. It was easy to do because the food was wonderful! Each night was a gourmet 4-course meal from a full menu, with reasonable portions. It was impossible to go wrong with any choice. I guess there were only two things that really disrupted the "Faire" atmosphere - delicious food that didn't come on a stick or flimsy Styrofoam plate, and privies that flush. From Cozumel, we went south to Belize. I was struck by how impoverished that country is. Their dollar is worth approximately US$0.50. Gasoline is US$5.00 a gallon, and the average annual income is US$12,500. The roads, especially in the outlying areas, are in wretched condition. Police checkpoints are not uncommon. But the greatest impression I was left with was the incredible warmth of the people. Genuinely friendly and kind. :) A group of us took a 1.5 hour boat ride up the River Wallace, where we saw all manner of flora and fauna. Crocodiles, howler monkeys, and iguana were abundant along the riverbanks. We stopped for lunch at a small resort, then took a bus the rest of the way to the ruins at Altun Ha. I've spent years reading everything I could get my hands on regarding the Maya and their incredible empire, but nothing could prepare me for actually walking through the plazas and seeing the temples with my own eyes. I was overwhelmed. I had always wanted to climb a pyramid, and on that day, I got to climb two. The first one is known as Temple A, or the Temple of the Green Tomb. It was there that and archaeological team in the 1970's discovered a nearly ten-pound carved jade head of the sun god Kinich Ahua. The second and larger temple is called Temple B, or the Temple of the Masonry Altars. While you're only 54 feet up, the perspective of looking down the front of the pyramid into the plaza completely distorts your perspective. People look like ants, even though you can see them clearly. I could recognize Janelle and my new friends, but they seemed so tiny and distant. It was an amazing experience that I'll never forget. Our next port was Costa Maya, and old fishing town that is being transformed into a tourist playground not unlike Cancún. We had originally intended to visit the ruins at Chacchoben, but given the problems Janelle was having, I wasn't about to ask her to try negotiating a largely unexcated site. We had booked the excursion in advance, but the Carnival staff were kind enough to refund us the entire cost of the excursion instead of the usual 75%. It was just as well, because early that afternoon it began raining steadily. We did a bit of shopping at the port, and returned to the ship once the rain set in. That night was our second "Formal" night, and we partied like you wouldn't believe. Janelle turned in early, and she told me to go "play with our new friends, but don't commandeer the ship!" We ended up being the rowdiest of the rowdy, taking over the disco and then the fantail deck until almost 5:00 the next morning. We couldn't have been that bad, though, because the crew were still friendly and laughing at our antics. Carnival even threw us a cocktail party Saturday afternoon. I have never seen bartenders pour drinks as fast as they had to, and they still couldn't keep up. We laid siege to that bar for an entire hour, and the bartenders were ready to drop from exhaustion. Hopefully next time they'll double the staff. In all, we were incredibly happy with the entire voyage. We're already considering going on next year's Ren cruise. I highly recommend it!

^ I love to fly. I grew up a NASA brat, so any chance I get to leave the surly bond of Earth, I'll take it. < Through a combination of drinking, partying, wenching(!), and smuggling(!!), I am now a bonafide Caribbean pyrate. V What be yer wildest exploit?

AFTER ACTION REPORT - RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL CRUISE 2007 *************************************************** Part 1 ------ The cruise was fantastic! Janelle and I had cruised before with Carnival, on the Celebration in 1996. Our ship this venture, the Carnival Miracle, outclassed Celebration on every front. Huge, spacious, comfortable; everything you could ask for in a luxury ship. It's the 21st century, folks. We can be posh pyrates. We'd heard damned little real information before we embarked on this journey. But we took it in stride. After all, how often did those what signed on to a ship in the GAoP got a straight story? We knew we'd have fun, no matter what. What little information we did have said that we'd have entertainers from all the Mid-America Festival (MAF) faires around the country, and that at least one "formal night" would be a Feast of Fantasy. Not surprisingly, MAF dropped the ball. The only entertainer we had was a fine gent by the name of "Sir Ryosus" (Steve Ryder), a 20+ year veteran of the Ren Faire circuit. Given the current uproar at MAF, I wasn't surprised in the least that they left us in a lurch. Steve was kind enough to join us on short notice, and has taken over the planning and booking of talent for subsequent Ren cruises. This enterprise can be a huge success, and Steve's the man to make it happen. We weren't about to let MAF's flub ruin our cruise. You get a group of Ren Rats together, and a party will happen. We went in "drag" at least 4 out of the 7 nights, and some went 6 out of 7. The hilarious part was that the mundanes felt incredibly out of place, as they should.A few of them showed outright contempt for us, which served to egg us on to the point of criticizing them for not knowing how to dress properly for such occasions. Your's truly went on to be quite the hit among the passengers and crew. Even though my persona has drifted away from that Sparrow fellow, that's what they wanted, and they got it in spades. I became known as the ship's second Captain. Even out of "uniform", the crew grinned and called me "Captain Jack", and were disappointed when I didn't show up in drag. I had lots of pictures taken of me with people I'd never met before, and I found out later that people were buying portraits of me even before I'd had a chance to look at them myself. Fortunately, the staff were kind enough to reprint the ones I wanted to buy. George Town, Grand Cayman, was our first stop. What a glorious town! Caymanians are a warn and gracious lot, and I highly recommend spending time amongst them. Life there is significantly slower, but their wit is sharp and fast. I could have spent a year or more with them, if only to learn how to slow down and enjoy life. We ate lunch at Jimmy Buffet's Margaritaville and had the obligatory "Cheeseburger in Paradise", washed down with a "Nobody's Fault" margarita. They ran a trivia game based on old TV show theme songs, and you get a shot of tequila for a right answer. I got 7 right. We took a tour of George Town on the "Trolley Roger", a Jeep-driven ride to the most historically interesting sites. Our tour guide was a wonderful goofball who managed to deepen my appreciation of the Caymanian people. They truly appreciate the influence pyrates had on their way of life. The church on the waterfront illustrates their feelings fully; for there lie the bodies of more than a few lesser pyrates. The people of the Caymans believe that even a pyrate deserves a proper Christian burial, unlike their English overlords. From there, we went to Cozumel, that pearl off the Yucutan peninsula. I hardly recognized it after the devastation wrought by the hurricanes. The entire waterfront has changed - the beach is so much smaller, and many of the places I wanted to revisit simply do not exist anymore. No longer can one stroll along and see magnificent loose gems in one storefront, then slip in and take a few drinks where Ernest Hemingway once drank. It's all gone, replaced with anything that will entice the tourist to spend money. We took a cab to Chaccanaab Park, where we spent the next few hours playing with a sweet, gentle, delightful dolphin named Regina. This was the highlight of the journey for me, watching this magnificent creature interact with Janelle, giving my bride far more attention than anyone else in our group got. Regina was kind and patient, and never got frustrated or confused if Janelle gave a "garbled" signal. She doted on Janelle to the point that the trainer had to give 3 or 4 signals for Regina to break off and spend time with the others. And did she ever give Janelle a ride to remember!! It was a magical experience that we will not soon forget.

Here's a portrait of our group, sans two who were hobnobbing with the ships' Master.

After being admonished that I should not drink so much and treat my body like a temple by a non-drinker: "I do treat my body like a temple. And temples get desecrated every day. Why should I be any different?" ~ Mad Jack, somewhere off Cozumel, 2007

Portraits from our cruise... Would you buy rum from this man?