I had to copy this from KTTC, because it was so well done. Thaddeus Stynky? LOL!!!!
PostPosted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 12:03 pm Post subject: OFFICIAL ADMIRALTY REPORT - BRITISH NAVAL EXPEDITION TO OJAI Reply with quote
To the Lords of Admiralty,
I am pleased and honoured to report the successful conclusion of the recent campaign for the Ojai Colony in the Americas. Once a wretched, lawless colony established by the Spanish in the New World, it is now prospering under the benevolent guidance of the East India Trading Company and shall in future prove a bastion of strength which ensures the security of the British Empire in the region.
We received intelligences from our most esteemed privateer, a certain Captain Martin Greydog (who was of immense assistance to His Majesty's naval forces in securing the Belmont Fortress a few months ago) that his crew of loyal rogues had made landfall in this colony which had, apparently been left by the Spanish to their own devices. Lawlessness, villany, immorality and pestilence filled the town as scoundrels and vagabonds prowled the streets in search of honest citizens to plunder. It was a state of affairs that, as good Christian Englishmen, we could not allow to continue unchecked. Knowing, however of the recent commitments that His Majesty's military forces had made to other parts of the world, I was hesitant to respond unless we could respond with a show of force that would over awe not merely the denizens of the town but this Captain Greydog and his crew. I have learned, from bitter experience, that pirates are not to be trusted particularly those who would audaciously christen themselves, the Privateers of the Double Cross.
It was then that the gallant gentlemen of His Majesty's Ship STOUT, Captain Wigglesworth commanding, offered to lend their power to the expedition. We have sailed together on many occasions including the successful attack on the Belmont Fortress and I had the utmost faith in the veteran officers under Wigglesworth's command, notably Lt.John Ash and Lt.Chaloner Willoughby. Lt.Willoughby proved himself a bold and resourceful officer, having secured the services of an excellent Bo'sun, Mister Kirke, without whom this expedition would certainly have been short-lived. Thus His Majesty's Eastern Caribbean Squadron weighed anchor and set sail for the colony of Ojai.
We knew not what to expect, only that we must be on our guard. Once HMS Stout had docked, Bo'sun Kirke set up our headquarters and we set off in search of Captain Greydog. Upon reaching the town, we discovered that conditions were not as bad as we thought, though we kept ourselves on our guard. As we made our way through the town we took note of many familiar faces in the Caribbean pirate community - this town seemed to attract more vermin than a plague ship and we would have our work cut out for us if we were to prevent this unhappy locale from becoming a second Tortuga. As we progressed to the edge of town we caught sight of a lone sailor escorting a lady of quality and her whelps. He introduced himself as a sailor from HMS Surprise, a fine and well renowned ship in His Majesty's navy and we were most grateful for his company as we approached Greydog's encampment.
We were pleasantly surprised when the crew of Greydog's ship, the Orange Marmelade, welcomed us warmly not with cutlass and shot, but with cool refreshments. While we welcomed the refreshments, for surely it was a hot day, we were prepared for sudden ambush or for the possibility that this was being done to lull us into complacency or to win our confidence. We were not taken in so easily and we were nearly proven right when a band of ruffians from the town endeavoured to assault the encampment, supported by a pirate ship. Yet, instead of betraying us to the pirates, Greydog's men beat off the villains. To further prove his loyalty, he captured a pathetic looking dreadlocked rogue who protested his innocence and introduced himself as "Larry". The scoundrel was put in the stocks to teach him a lesson and then kicked back into town.
The heat was stifling and Lt.Ash, Bo'sun Kirke and myself retired to the quarters aboard the HMS Stout for rest and refreshment, while the gallant Lt.Willoughby reconnoitred the town. We returned with promised provisions for Greydog's crew - these were the terms of his service and if I may interject, never was loyalty so readily and cheaply bought. Along the way, I was approached by some young militia in red coats who asked me if I was a certain colonial officer named 'George Washington'. I introduced myself and they readily toasted the King's health and shared their heated and sugar caramel coated corn with me. Meanwhile, Lt.Willoughby and Bo'sun Kirke maneuvered the HMS Stout to a more defensible position by Greydog's encampment - enabling us to at once protect the encampment and ensure their loyalty as they were well within pistolshot of our broadsides.
In the evening Captain Greydog and his crew provided a sumptuous feast to which we added our own fresh vegetables, recently purchased in the colonies. A raucous and enjoyable meal was had by all, though not without a great amount of rough horseplay among the crew. Following dinner, the officers, the Bo'sun and I walked about town ensuring that the revelries did not get out of hand - though there was a fair amount of drunkenness and immorality among these rogues there was no violence and we were able to walk about town without much incident. We met the militia once more and they introduced themselves as The Queen's Light Horse. This struck me as odd as our late queen, the Goodly Queen Anne, has been this many years laid to rest and King George sits on the throne now. This interesting and mysterious name would be explained on the morrow as I shall shortly demonstrate.
In the morning, we readied ourselves for the battle which was to come. The Privateers of the Double Cross were confirmed by Letter of Marque to be loyal officers of His Majesty and a plan of action was drawn up for storming the town. We approached by the shore under the guns of the HMS Stout and the Orange Marmalade while the privateers proved themselves quite handy with their musket volleys. The outlying bastions were quickly taken and it seemed like the pirates had melted away, leaving only their women, sturdy and lovely wenches as had ever graced a colony, to oppose us. We naturally behaved like gentlemen and Englishmen and this seemed to win their hearts for they did not oppose us for long. We took only a few prisoners storming the bastions and all that remained was to flush out the rest of the scoundrels. We paraded the prisoners through the streets to make an example of them and when Greydog's men recognized their erstwhile piratical companions, these were quickly put in chains as well.
We proceeded to the lodgings of the Ojai governor. At the gate we were informed that he was absent, by a most curious fellow. He was dressed in the style common to the good queen Bess, a style that had gone out of fashion centuries ago. He had the manners of a swineherd and the stench of one however and when informed about this he was cut to the quick and took immediate offense. We demanded entrance in the name of our Good King George and he replied that he served the Queen. We were shocked that this apparent Englishman would be so bold as to suggest that there be any other monarch of England than King George of Hanover and we were about to storm the gates when it occurred to me that these were the remains of Sir Walter Raleigh's tragic and doomed LOST COLONY of ROANOAKE. They had apparently set sail, when supplies had not arrived from England and starvation threatened them, and landed in the Ojai colony. While adhering to the true Christian, Anglican faith, they had also become convinced that the red headed lady who ruled over them was Queen Elizabeth of the Royal House of Tudor and by this token they had built their colony, living in a past that had long been passed by by the world. The Spanish had endeavoured to take it from them but they had managed to hold on in spite of terrible odds, guarded by their red coated horse militia, pike and shot and even Beefeaters. Being (somewhat deluded) Englishmen, we wished them well and proceeded on our way.
We were able to take prisoners and the three most notorious were tried by the Admiralty Court which was presided over by Commodore James Norrington RN. The first man conviced was a Scots-Irishman named Duncan - he was cleared of piracy by the court but, convicted of stealing the watch of no less than the judge of the Admiralty Court, Commodore Norrington. Despite his pleas that the watch had been 'planted' he was sentenced to be hung by the neck until dead for its theft. The second man, known only by the common colonial name of Joshua, was given benefit of clergy, branded on the thumbs and impressed into His Majesty's navy. An auction was held among the ladies (and gentlemen so inclined) for the services of the new 'volunteer'. Finally there was the infamous pirate, Thaddeus Stynky - with a "Y". While professing his innocence, this scoundrel did not realize that he was but setting a trap that he would fall into himself. It became clear to all that this vile and dissolute wretch had experienced unnatural relations with a dog, while at the same time endangering the public health by means of vile chemicals and poisons that secreted from his unwashed body. This utterly abhorrent and craven wretch was sentenced to be pilloried for eight hours to teach him the error of his ways.
One of the colonials, a woodcut artist, accosted the commodore and protested against what he perceived were unfair arrests and unjustly high taxes. The good commodore was unable to convince the fool of the error of his ways but such is the way of those whose radical liberalism gets in the way of simple common sense. Taxes are required to maintain good government, to protect the citizenry from the depredations of the merciless by means of fleets and soldiers and yet this simpleton could not be convinced. It would be a pity if there were more ungrateful wretches in these American colonies - perhaps one day they may even dare to dream of that gilded and ruthless cage called 'freedom'.
While the commodore walked through town he accused some honest merchants of committing a ghastly crime - the skeletal evidence of which was half buried in the ground for all to see. He was outraged that His Majesty's government, while taxing him outrageously (according to him, naturally a vastly overblown sentiment) was not taking steps to punish the criminals who had murdered this fellow. The commodore heard the side of the merchants who informed him that the man was called 'STEWART'. Now of course, the STEWARTS are the family of the PRETENDER who would seek to usurp the rightful throne of King George. Thus did the Commodore, when apprised of the death of said Stewart, instead PRAISE the loyal citizens for having rid their town of the evil agents of the pretender. The woodcut artist stumbled away, doubtless muttering traitorous imprecations, yet the Commodore, in his mercy, decided that the fool had lost his senses and was no threat to the public peace.
For his good service, the Commodore was much admired by the women folk of the town who begged him to sit for their portraitists and woodcut artisans.
Thus was the Ojai colony brought into the orbit of the Crown and Empire, and it remains a happy and civilized town to this day.
My compliments to Captain Greydog and his loyal crewe, his good lady wife Cankankerous Jan, Oderlesseye and his good lady, Dr.Arik and his good lady, Captain Wigglesworth, Lt. John Ash and Lt. Chaloner Willoughby of HMS Stout, Bo'sun Kirke and the good people of Ojai who served His Majesty with loyalty and faithfulness.
God save the King!
I am your most obedt.servant,
LORD TOM BECKETT, EAST INDIA TRADING COMPANY
COMMODORE JAMES NORRINGTON, ROYAL NAVY
_________________
"YOU have got to be the worst pirate I've ever heard of..."
