Barbados Sam

MATTRESS POLO

Mr. Bean

alimony

Finally, a picture of me that I actually like!! Taken at Escondido Ren Faire in April 06.

youth

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says happily. A little while later he goes to McDonald's for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?" "Nope, I am actually 47." He's starting to feel really good about himself. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your penis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47," Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's".

meatloaf again?

a chocolate nirvana kiss?

Things that "STRESSED WOMEN," will say at work: 1. Okay! Okay! I take it back. Unfuck you. 2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing. 3. Well this day was a total waste of makeup. 4. Well, aren't we a damn ray of sunshine? 5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after. 6. Do I look like a people person? 7 This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting. 8. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left. 9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose. 10. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control? 11. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years. 12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer. 13. Do they ever shut up on your planet? 14. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable. 15. Stress is what you have when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet. 16. Back off! You're standing in my aura. 17. Don't worry, I forgot your name too. 18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor. 19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. 20. Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 21. Chaos, panic and disorder...my work here is done. 22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no. 23. You look like shit. Is that the style now? 24. Earth is full. Go home. 25. Aww, did I step on your little itty bitty ego? 26. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert. 27. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth. 28. You are depriving some village of an idiot 29. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport. 30. Look in my eyes...do you see one ounce of gives-a-shit?

Not sure if this would count as self promotion, but I nominate Joshua Red for the work he did on my banner.

whiff

I was going to post something....but I forgot what I was going to say......HEY!! Do I smell pizza???

"poof"

Barbados Sam will go to jail for carrying a gun shaped like a penis. (guess that's better than havin' a penis shaped like a gun....well....maybe a howitzer.....or an oooozie )

Wendy's finger food

seance

Religious Methods A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation." Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus." They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " Why then don't you eat the peanuts yourself?". "We can't chew them because we've no teeth," she replied. The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?" The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate coatings."

Gilespie

My wife and I celebrated Easter by going on a Geo-style egg hunt! Went for a nice drive in the mountains and grabbed 19 caches! (woulda' had an even 20, but one was muggled....)

spin

on

Rambo

Little Orphan Annie

rawhide