Barbados Sam

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!" Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."

More.... 51. Work is for people that don't know how to fish. 52. If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own. 53. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. 54. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. 55. I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want? 56. I used to think I was indecisive, now I'm not sure. 57. I can handle pain until it hurts. 58. No matter where you go, you're there. 59. If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane. 60. It's been Monday all week.

nostalgia

Aye, tho' I be quite proud o' me banner, I must point out that it be designed by our pub mate Joshua Red. He be deservin' tha credit fer this...I be jes a humble pirate who tossed a few doubloon his way fer his trouble.

LONG SHOT: Cannon had no sights, and could not be traversed right and left, and there was only small up-down adjustments, which could be negated by the movement of waves. Also, each ball was slightly different and the gunpowder charges varied. Cannon balls were most likely to hit and cause real damage with a maximum effective range of 200 to 500 feet. Thus very few "long shots" were effective, and the term came to be used by gamblers.

LET THE CAT OUT OF THE BAG: A sailor found drunk on board was ordered to fashion a cat o' nine tails or "make a rod for his own back", which would then be kept in a leather bag. When sailors "let the cat out of the bag" they were in for misfortune. The Royal Navy's cat-o-nine-tails was kept in a red bag, and not removed until the offender was safely secured to the gratings and there was no possibility of reprieve.

Time of Death

If you remember the original Hollywood Squares and it's comics, this will bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course. Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes. Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake. Q. According to Cosmo magazine, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning. Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency. Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"? A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty. Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"? A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment. Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hand while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I will give you a gesture you'll never forget. Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries. Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other? A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures. Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark? Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army. Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does this mean? A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing. Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him. Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh

More pearls o' wisdom from BS.... 41. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 42. Dyslexics of the world, untie! 43. God made mankind. Sin made him evil. 44. I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere. 45. I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back. 46. Don't steal. the government hates competition. 47. Humpty Dumpty was pushed. 48. Never fly on a plane. It's safer inside the plane. 49. All generalizations are false. 50. The more people I meet, the more I love my dog.

We went on the Maritime Museum tour a few weeks ago. Very nice. The Russian submarine was very cool, and of course the Star of India is still a wonderfull vessel to tour. The docent on the HMS Surprise said that Fox Studios is going to pull all of the Master and Commander props soon. When they do, the MM is going to turn the Surprise into a PIRATE SHIP!!!

Lifetime of pleasure is sought but rarely found

Mayday! Mayday! were the last words heard from the static filled radio

Be lookin' like ants carry'n toothpicks ta me.....

stiff

Aye lad, I be enjoyin' a fyne cigar meself. Thar be a Cigar thread right here in Way To a Pyrates Heart, ifn' ye scroll down a bit. I just picked up some Anise flavored cheroots last weekend that were mighty tasty, but me personal favorite still be Macanudo Hyde Park. Plannin' on tryin' a pipe again soon too.

KNOCK OFF: Galleys used to be rowed to the rhythm of a hammer hitting a wooden block. When the hammer or mallet ceased hitting, the galley slaves could rest. Today, when you reach the end of your shift at work, you "knock off" working.

Dog gone skeeters are really bitin' tonight

I've appeared on the Food Network.

Blast, I'm no murderer, you've got the wrong man Governor!

If it's a rockin' don't bother knockin'

JURY RIG: The "jury mast" is a 17th century term, when a temporary mast is made from any available spar after the mast has broken. The origins may come from "injury mast" or from the Old French "ajurie" meaning help or relief. "Jury Rigged" came to mean assembled in a makeshift manner.

Welcome to tha pub mate. Cheers

ravage