The Pirate Hunter's Smarter Brother!

[Jacky Tar]

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Final Letter.

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Final, Final Letter.

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Dear Jacky,

What's up with you and Tia Dalma?

Disney's Legal Department

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Dear Legal,

Nothing, she disses me everytime I post to her thread. She's not even one of my characters!

Talk to my lawyer,

Jacky

[Joaquin Andamun]

Stepping into the pub, Joaquin notices the melee. Upon noting Elvira's presence and the activities of the thugs, he steps quickly to the bar. Seizing a bucket of dishwater, he dashes it on Elvira, and steps back, an expectant smirk playing on his features. However, as she shows no apparent signs of melting on the spot, his expression fades to chagrin and confusion and he edges towards the door. "Huh," he mutters to himself, "eet worked when dat leetle girl wid' de dog deed it..."

[Inigo Montoya]

Inigo threads through the flailing bodies and positions himself just to the side of the table nearest the fighting. When nobody appears to be looking, Inigo gives the table a not-so-subtle nudge. It goes over with a characteristic crash and clatter of crockery. Rumba sticks an angry head out of the back room. The combatants freeze, looking surprised, embarrassed and guilty. Inigo, whistling tunelessly in the sudden silence while a look of angelic innocence suffuses his countenance, rolls his eyes meaningfully and points a covert, accusing finger in the direction of Elvira and "the boys."

[Elvira Montoya]

When nobody appears to be looking, Inigo gives the table a not-so-subtle nudge.  It goes over with a characteristic crash and clatter of crockery.  Rumba sticks an angry head out of the back room.  The combatants suddenly freeze, looking surprised, embarrassed and guilty.  Inigo, whistling tunelessly to himself while a look of angelic innocence suffuses his countenance, rolls his eyes meaningfully and points a covert, accusing finger in the direction of Elvira and "the boys."

Ray is boarding up the window; so, that no other characters will fall and plunge to their deaths on the jagged rocks below (now that the tide has gone out).

Elvira is soaked to the skin, and the lads at the bar are chanting something about her dress. Elvira turns toward the bar and all fall silent. She turns her attention back to the sheepish looking Inigo.

"Inigo how is it that Izzie, Rosie, Pepe and Jacky gets in a big brawl, and not one patron of de pub spills a drink or cracks a pieza of pub crockery? But jou jes standing dare and oops mi bad, dare goes a tabla of crockery!"

[Inigo Montoya]

"Inigo how is it that Izzie, Rosie, Pepe and Jacky gets in a big brawl, and not one patron of de pub spills a drink or cracks a pieza of pub crockery? But jou jes standing dare and oops mi bad, dare goes a tabla of crockery!"

Inigo shifts uncomfortably on the balls of his feet, reddens slightly, but with raised eyebrows and slight nods, continues casting significant glances from Rumba Rue to Elvira and her henchboys and back again, gesturing with an ill-shielded index finger. He whistles harder.

[Elvira Montoya]

... gesturing with an ill-shielded index finger.  He whistles harder.

"Give it up Inigo, Rumba she sees everyting!"

Elvira thrusts the documents into Inigo's face.

"Inigo sign de documentos!"

[Jacky Tar]

Pepe and Izzie have washed out to sea.

Jacky is walking the shoreline, looking for any sign that Rosie may have survived.

[Rumba Rue]

Rumba fingers the deck of Tarot cards she keeps hidden in the pocket of her skirt and wonders if she should lay them out to read what's next....but thinks better of it. Surprise always has it's time.

[Inigo Montoya]

Montoya's shoulders sag in resignation. He takes the pen proffered by Elvira and turns to the documents. However, he pauses, frowning over the paperwork, now sodden from Joaquin's drenching. The wetted ink has flowed into a largely illegible mass of black. Only a few scattered letters and words remain:

"<long illegible smear>...Inigo Mont... <more dripping black> ... said ... <big blur> ... to Elvira ... <faded> ... bi ... te ... me.....<the rest completely run together and obscured>"

He looks up sharply at Elvira. "Jou tryin' to pool a fast one? I not signing thees. No telleeng whad' I be agreeing to!"

[Elvira Montoya]

In the process of Elvira's dress drying, it is shrinking dramatically. She is looking less like the Mistress of Dark and more like a Hooter's girl. Inigo is perspiring and can't keep his eyes focused above Elvira's shoulders.

Elvira sensing she now has the cards stacked in her favor, and he'll sign anything!

"Is it getting hot in here? Or is it mi? Oh.. it's mi!

"Jou no sign dis one an dare going to be graves consecuencias, like jou lose de Pirate Hunter franchise!'

[Elvira Montoya]

The wetted ink has flowed into a largely illegible mass of black.  Only a few scattered letters and words remain:

"<long illegible smear>...Inigo Mont... <more dripping black> ... said ... <big blur> ... to Elvira ... <faded> ... bi ... te ... me.....<the rest completely run together and obscured>"

He looks up sharply at Elvira.  "Jou tryin' to pool a fast one?  I not signing thees.  No telleeng whad' I be agreeing to!"

"I hab dry copies which read <long legal babble>... Inigo Montoya ... <more legal babble> ... does not contest the annulment of his marriage to Rosarita ... <more B.S. > ...Here by decree Elvira my executer of all my properties and future properties.."

She pouts and bends forward.

"See es legal, es legible, es por jou own bueno. Elvira takes care of her hombre."

[Inigo Montoya]

"How I know jou have my breast interest-- uh, my best interests, at heart, eh? Whad' for I want to handle jour as ... I mean, whad' for I want to hand over my assets to jou?

Jou alraidy got Bickering, Bulimia, Ennui and Flatulence; whad more could jou possibly want from me??

[Elvira Montoya]

Jou alraidy got Bickering, Bulimia, Ennui and Flatulence; whad more could jou possibly want from me??

"Have it jou way. I bite jou!"

Elvira's fangs come out.

"Who needs blood sucking abogados (lawyers), I can do it mi self."

Elvira quickly over powers Inigo.

[Jacky Tar]

"Have it jou way. I bite jou!"

Elvira's fangs come out.

It's early morning and Jacky enters the pub. He starts opening windows to let sun light and fresh air into the pub.

Elvira drops Inigo before she can bite him, and retreats to a dark corner of the pub. Bulimia and Bickering are not so quick and turn to ashes, taking the documents with them, before anyone notices.

"Inigo, hard night? Let's get ye off the floor."

[Inigo Montoya]

Assisted by Jacky Tar, Inigo gets shakily to his feet. Recovering, he grabs the crucifix from around the slumbering Cardinal's neck, and advances on the cowering Elvira.

"Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya! Prepare to die! --oh wait, jou already dead."

"Joaquin! Go get anodder bucket of water. Holy water thees time, eef jou please." (under his breath) "Eef it doan' work, we gon' have a nice show, anyway."

[Jacky Tar]

Assisted by Jacky Tar, Inigo gets shakily to his feet. Recovering, he grabs the crucifix from around the slumbering Cardinal's neck, and advances on the cowering Elvira.

"Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya! Prepare to die! --oh wait, jou already dead."

Jacky sees Elvira huddled in the corner and she looks petrified. Inigo is ranting and waving a crucifix at her.

"Wait a minuto... Indigo... amigo! Maybe ye hit yer head on the way down, to the floor."

[Elvira Montoya]

Jacky sees Elvira huddled in the corner and she looks petrified. Inigo is ranting and waving a crucifix at her.

"Jacky por favor, Inigo es loco. He es going to hurt mi."

Elvira is shaking now, and weeping.

[Jacky Tar]

"Inigo, did Joaquin go t' Rome t' get the holy water? I'll check the padre over there, for some water."

Jacky checks the Cardinal's robe pockets and comes up with nothing.

[Joaquin Andamun]

Joaquin ducks behind the bar for a quick refill of the bucket. He kneels hastily at the side of the sleeping Cardinal, and positions one of the Cardinal's limp hands so a few fingers dangle in the water. Moving nearer to his head, he lets out a loud, ostenatious,

"Ahh...Ahhh....CHOO!"

Automatically, the Cardinal mumbles in his sleep, "Bless you."

Joaquin snatches the bucket and approaches Inigo. "Maybe not fool strength, but jou een a hurry, so eet weel have to do."

[Jacky Tar]

Joaquin snatches the bucket and approaches Inigo. "Maybe not fool strength, but jou een a hurry, so eet weel have to do."

"Inigo lets sprinkle a little holy water on Elvira, when nothing happens, we put down the crucifix and get some sleep, OK?"

[Elvira Montoya]

"Inigo, por favor no more agua!"

[Inigo Montoya]

Montoya mutters over one shoulder, not taking his eyes off Elvira.

"Jacky Tar, jou blind? I noat de mos' supersteetious guy in de world, but dees jus' not add up. First, Elvira, she show up here wid' her own personal bank of fog. At de time, I t'ink dat's jus' Flatulence doing her leetle theeng, no beeg deal. But den she try to geeve me a hickey I naiver gon' forget! On top of dat, jou tell me, where de boys gone, eh? Dose ashes over dere jus' blow out of Ray's cheemney? An now she acting like I gon' do her in wid' a little bitty piece of gold and a bucket of water? (Okay, maybe eet really be all de garlic I so fond of, but so what?) Whad' I be holdeeng dat's so dangerous, eh? Ees not like I got a rope!"

He turns his attention to Elvira again. "I not sure how I soddenly go from de Pirate Hunter to de Night Stalker, but Elvira, jou askin' for eet! Joaquin, time for a one-wooman wet-T-shirt contest!"

Joaquin dashes the bucket of impromptu holy water on Elvira. Montoya holds the crucifix up, and exhales heavily in Elvira's direction, taking no chances.

[Jacky Tar]

Someone points a lantern in the direction of the darkened corner in which Elvira is crouched. The holy water splashes over her arched form and it looks like a scene out of Flashdance. Elvira leaps to her feet and begins to dance wildly, like she is on fire!

Ray, "She's a maniac on the floor!"

Jacky, "And she's dancing like she's never danced before"

Lads at the bar, "She's a maniac maniac on the floor, and she's dancing like she's never danced before..."

[Elvira Montoya]

Elvira leaps to the top of the bar, shaking her head wildly and spraying everything and everybody with holy water. She is spinning across the bar like a whirling dervish. The lads stop singing, and she leaps off the end of the bar and lands in front of Inigo.

Steam is rising off her sweaty, wet body. There is less of the dress left than before.

"Muy refreshing, what's next boys?"

[Jacky Tar]

"I not sure how I soddenly go from de Pirate Hunter to de Night Stalker..."

"O.K. Night Stalker, do ye have a plan 'B'?"