The Pirate Hunter's Smarter Brother!

[Inigo Montoya]

"Boys if'n ye could quit arguin' wit yer self fer a minute, I'm tryin' to listen t' Rosie! Por favor, take it outside."

Barely acknowledging the pirate, the two head for the door, their chatter not slowing one whit. "....no, no, no! You got the bottom bunk because you were the one who always had to get up in the middle of the night..."

[Jacky Tar]

"Jacky jou need help wit all jou bizness. How bout I rent jou a peon? Jou sign The Rent A Peon agreement, make de weekly payments and Pepe be jou peon! What jou say to dat?"

Jacky looks over The Rent A Peon agreement.

"Rosie, I'll give ye four weeks in advance; but this is a slave free port, I have t' pay Pepe. So let my accountant crunch some of the numbers and ye have a deal!"

[Jacky Tar]

Barely acknowledging the pirate, the two head for the door, their chatter not slowing one whit. "....no, no, no! You got the bottom bunk because you were the one who always had to get up in the middle of the night..."

"Say good-nite boys! Oh yeah, before ye go who got the bottom bunk?"

[Inigo Montoya]

"Say good-nite boys! Oh yeah, before ye go who got the bottom bunk?"

In unison, the two reply:

"The peons!"

With a thunderous crash, the door slams behind the pair.

[Rosarita Montoya]

"Rosie, I'll give ye four weeks in advance; but this is a slave free port, I have t' pay Pepe. So let my accountant crunch some of the numbers and ye have a deal!"

"Gracias, Jacky. When jou need more peons jou call Rosie!"

Jacky, lays his head down on the bar to get some much needed rest. Rosie puts a sea chest blanket over Jacky's shoulders and leaves the pub.

[Ransom]

Looks around the quiet Pub. Jacky has his head down and is covered with a blanket. The two arguing Spaniards are gone. Capt. Sterling has left to follow the Swedish Bikini team, Rumba is off celebrating her new diamond ring.

Sigh. Guess I'll go back to my sheep ... er, ship.

"See ya, Ray. It was fun while it lasted."

[Jacky Tar]

"See ya, Ray. It was fun while it lasted."

Pepe steps into the pub, to check on his new boss. Who is asleep at the bar.

"Jou wrong Falsie Ransome, the fun as jou call it, is just begun! Let me esplain... No, it take to long, let me sum up. There goin to be more bar room brawls, marital mishaps, and sunk sheeps then jou can shake a steek at! Jou can count on dat."

[Rosarita Montoya]

I see how she look at dat Jacky Tar when she een de Pub! She theenk I too escared to noteece, but I see her wid' de long eyelashes and de weenking!"

"Inigo, jou talkin' about de same Jacky Tar asleep at the bar? Wid the craggy face, and gray pigtails? Jou crazy jealous fool. Dis is jus bizness, my little bonny."

[LongTom]

"Say good-nite boys! Oh yeah, before ye go who got the bottom bunk?"

In unison, the two reply:

"The peons!"

(Claps hand to forehead) Ohhhhhhhhhh....ooh, oh, oo, that was bad!

I get it. "Lower bunk"..."get up at night"..."peons"? Get it? Pee-ons? Do the pair of you plan these out in advance?

(Wish I'd'a thought of it.)

[Jacky Tar]

Do the pair of you plan these out in advance?

"Short answer, Nope!"

Jacky wakes to the sound of running water; which is odd because the pub doesn't have plumbing!

"Ray, I need some rhum t' sober up, what did Rosie put in that drink?"

Jacky surveys the pub and sees Siren asleep curled up behind the bar. He turns to Pepe.

"How long have I been out?"

Pepe says, "Jou been out along time boss, Falsie Ransomebody come thru and she tink she mees another party!"

[Ransom]

Do the pair of you plan these out in advance?

"Short answer, Nope!"

Jacky wakes to the sound of running water; which is odd because the pub doesn't have plumbing!

"Ray, I need some rhum t' sober up, what did Rosie put in that drink?"

Jacky surveys the pub and sees Siren asleep curled up behind the bar. He turns to Pepe.

"How long have I been out?"

Pepe says, "Jou been out along time boss, Falsie Ransomebody come thru and she tink she mees another party!"

"Falsie?" Come now, boys, you've only to look at me boyish figure to know, there be no falsies here!"

***Opens coat to show a bodice with a sad lack of abundanza in the foredeck.***

"You see, flat as the proverbial plank. So, no more Falsie talk, comprende?"

[Jacky Tar]

"Falsie?" Come now, boys, you've only to look at me boyish figure to know, there be no falsies here!"

***Opens coat to show a bodice with a sad lack of abundanza in the foredeck.***

"You see, flat as the proverbial plank. So, no more Falsie talk, comprende?"

"Pepe say, False"

Pepe replies, "Falsie, dat what I say."

"Pepe say, Foredeck... wait no belay that! When referin' t' False Ransom just say, Ransom."

Pepe replies, "O'ky Boss, butt dat lady don even need a jogging bodice."

"Pepe, make yer self scarce."

[Inigo Montoya]

"Inigo, jou talkin' about de same Jacky Tar asleep at the bar? Wid the craggy face, and gray pigtails? Jou crazy jealous fool. Dis is jus bizness, my little bonny."

Inigo, hearing Rosarita address him, pokes his head in the door.

"Oh, I bet eet's jus' "beezness!" I bet jou "get beezy" regular-like! I bet jou--" He stops short, her words sinking in, and peers briefly at Jacky Tar. "Okay, jou gots a point dere. Heem even ooglier den I aim."

But he whirls, and points at her accusingly. "But dat not mean jou not foolin' aroun' wid somebody here! I can tail, Rosie, jou doan taken a shine to Juan of dese creeminals! I gots eveedence!"

"Eef eet's no Jacky Tar, den I theenk jou steppin' out wid' Capitan Sterling!"

[Rosarita Montoya]

"Oh, I bet eet's jus' "beezness!" I bet jou "get beezy" regular-like! I bet jou--" He stops short, her words sinking in, and peers briefly at Jacky Tar. "Okay, jou gots a point dere. Heem even ooglier den I aim."

But he whirls, and points at her accusingly. "But dat not mean jou not foolin' aroun' wid somebody here! I can tail, Rosie, jou doan taken a shine to Juan of dese creeminals! I gots eveedence!"

"Eef eet's no Jacky Tar, den I theenk jou steppin' out wid' Capitan Sterling!"

"Inigo, jou ar mi juan, mi juan an only! I tell jou dese ar no creeminals, day ar good mens to do beezness wid."

"True, Jacky heem looks like Admiral Willie Nelson, but heem compasivo. I tell heem about cussin Teddies churro bingeing, and he offers tu send hers fibe doughzen churros and a bottle of laxative."

"Capitan Sterling, heem look like de fella on de Quakers Oat box; but, just de udder day I hear heem tell Flat Ransom day shood get some pearl divers to help get de gold. Leetle do day no it under 50 fathoms of ocean!"

"Inigo, mi amor, apenas te veo!"

[Inigo Montoya]

"Capitan Sterling, heem look like de fella on de Quakers Oat box; but, just de udder day I hear heem tell Flat Ransom day shood get some pearl divers to help get de gold. Leetle do day no it under 50 fathoms of ocean!"

"Inigo, mi amor, apenas te veo!"

At the mention of gold, Montoya looks aghast and makes exaggerated shushing gestures. Recovering his composure, he continues regarding her with distrust.

"You t'ink wad' jou say about Capitan Sterling lets jou off de hook? All eet say to me ees dat he treating jou like jou treating me."

He looks reproachfully at Rosarita.

"Look. Ros...I aim not total eedeeot. I trust jou when jou say we not need to 'get busy' to make babies, and dat jour priest gon' take care of de details wid' de Stork. I acept what jou say when jou tell me dat all of de babies be fast growers, and when dey comb home seex feet tall, dat jus' mean "dey healthy." I not complain too moch when jou starts nameeng dem t'ings like "Bloody Scupper" and "Blackfoot." I not question jour assertion dat beard, eyepatch, and peg-leg run in jour family; eh, fine, I t'ink dat make dem all look ruggedly handsome. Especially Camelia and Annabel. I even put up wid' de baby bottles fool of Bacardi. But why, I ask jou, do jou inseest, every night for baidtime story, on reading dem de map to de-- ...ehhhm, to dat...beeg, ehm, theeng... in, ah, de water?"

[Ransom]

Pepe replies, "O'ky Boss, butt dat lady don even need a jogging bodice."

"Pepe, make yer self scarce."

"Pepe, Pepe, Pepe."

Shakes head slowly, then looks pointedly at Pepe's crotch. "Don't think you'd do much for a cod-piece, either, Senor."

Turns flashing blue eyes on Rosie. "And as for FLAT, well my dear, I can't suppose, after all those little Montoya's you're so proud of, you're quite as "pert" as you used to be, eh?" Gives a sly wink. "Better to be flat, than falling!"

"So, your sheep is 50 fathoms down is it? Maybe ya better go and get yourselves some sheep dip, see if you can pull it up. Or, maybe a shephard's crook—a really long one...."

Can't talk for laughing. Sucks in a deep breath, downs a healthy swallow of Tattoo, then turns to Ignigo.

"Good luck, sheep herder—BTW, ever see the movie Brokeback Mtn?"

[Inigo Montoya]

Shakes head slowly, then looks pointedly at Pepe's crotch. "Don't think you'd do much for a cod-piece, either, Senor."

Jerking his head in the general direction of Pepe, Inigo addresses False Ransom. "Dat mighty perceptive of jou, bot noat very nice." (He leans in and whispers conspiratorially) "When he a tiny boy, he get de nickname 'Little Pepe.' And jou know, eet be de same ever seence."

He rounds on Rosarita. "I try to be trosting kind of guy, but Rosie, I theenk dose leetle cheeldrens -- escuse me, dose enormous, hulking, ugly, hairy, battle-scarred, drunken cheeldrens -- are not mine. No, eet's no juse protesting. I on to jour treeks, wooman! I now conveenced jou doan gone over to de dark side."

Pacing morosely, and casting disappointed glances her direction, he continues expostulating.

"Dere's a saying in Espana, I know eet's in Texas, probably in Espana: "Fool me Juance, shame on...shame on jou. Fool me - jou can't get fooled again."

[Joaquin Andamun]

"Dere's a saying in Espana, I know eet's in Texas, probably in Espana:  "Fool me Juance, shame on...shame on jou. Fool me - jou can't get fooled again."

It's pronounced "España", Inigo! Not "Es Panna," but "Es Span Ya"...got it? It's spelled with an "en-yay" in the word. E, S, P, A, EnYay, A. OK?

And while you're at it, maybe you should "ick-stay" to the "ipt-scray"!

[Inigo Montoya]

Eef jou doan shut up, jou gon' be Joaquin DePlank, jou unnerstan'? I don' wanna hear word Juan from jou, jou hear?

[Black Syren]

Rises from her sleep and stretches and then moves to make her way to the bar, A Plunder Me Cherry Ray if'n ye will.

[Rosarita Montoya]

He rounds on Rosarita. "I try to be trosting kind of guy, but Rosie, I theenk dose leetle cheeldrens -- escuse me, dose enormous, hulking, ugly, hairy, battle-scarred, drunken cheeldrens -- are not mine. No, eet's no juse protesting. I on to jour treeks, wooman! I now conveenced jou doan gone over to de dark side."

"Inigo, jou bean away so long jou forget everything. Camelia an Annabel arr jou sisters not jou daugthers. None of hour childrens is over four feets tall; the oldest es only 12. The childrens from jou first failed wreck of a union, arr de drunken juans!"

"Blackfoot and Bloody Scupper ar de godfathers the Cardinal pick for little Juan and Maria."

"Now my uncle Juan heem esposa has a wooden leg; she lost her leg in a carriage accidente. As for hair, the Montoyas arr de hairiest peoples I knows. Why do jou tink everybodys call Teodora, Teddie bear?"

"Jou Puerto Rican cussins sez put de Bacardi in de bebe bottles to help them sleep."

"I aim a good Catholic woomen, and I half ben bery patient. Why jou so suspious?"

[Jacky Tar]

Jerking his head in the general direction of Pepe, Inigo addresses False Ransom. "Dat mighty perceptive of jou, bot noat very nice." (He leans in and whispers conspiratorially) "When he a tiny boy, he get de nickname 'Little Pepe.' And jou know, eet be de same ever seence."

Jacky is in the corner of the pub humming, 'On the Road Again'. Pepe walks over to Ransom to explain his nickname.

"Is true, Ransom. I was small boy an bery skinny. All de peons calls mi 'Leetle Pepe'. A man day call de Coche comes to de village, and sez he can make me the Big Pepe."

"So, I trains wid de Coche, and I get bery strong. But I aim still not bery big, so the Coache he say I need de esteroides. De Coche give me de juice, an I train harder."

"I get big, like de Governator of Cali-for-ni-a, but mi package it is historia!"

[Rosarita Montoya]

Turns flashing blue eyes on Rosie. "And as for FLAT, well my dear, I can't suppose, after all those little Montoya's you're so proud of, you're quite as "pert" as you used to be, eh?" Gives a sly wink. "Better to be flat, than falling!"

"Ransom, jou were in Pilates class, no? I had mi first Montoya bebe when mi es jus fifteen. Mi still es under thirty; so, gracias a Dios, nada es fallen yet!"

[Elvira Montoya]

An eerie fog drifts into the pub, pushed in by a cold damp breeze. The door swings open and a tall dark female form shrouded in fog enters the pub, she is followed by four enormous, hulking, ugly, hairy, battle-scarred, drunken creatures.

"Ello my name is Elvira Montoya, I aim looking for Inigo Montoya he owes mi alimonies an cheeldrens support."

Elvira steps into the dimly lit pub, she is beautiful and terrifying to behold. Her black dress shows off her pale ample abundance. The dress is slit above the knee and reveals her shapely legs. Her eyes are the color of a stormy sky, and her lips are blood red. Black hair cascades about her shoulders, and behind her looms the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

[Jacky Tar]

"Ello my name is Elvira Montoya, I aim looking for Inigo Montoya he owes mi alimonies an cheeldrens support."

Pepe enters the pub and sees the former Señora Montoya and her children.

"¡Dios mío! I mus warn de Boss, the black widow an her cheeldrens is here! Heem will nos wad to do."