captweaver65

DON'T TALK TO THE PARROT One morning, Mrs. James woke up and her dishwasher wasn't working. She called a repairman and he said that he would be able to come out and service the dishwasher that afternoon. Since Mrs. James worked during the day, she said, "You can come out this afternoon but I won't be at home. I'll leave a key under the back door mat, you fix the dishwasher and leave me a bill. I'll mail you a check tomorrow. I need to tell you, though, that I have a Pit Bull. He's a gentle dog so don't worry about him. I also have a parrot. He's not so nice, so whatever you do, DON'T TALK TO THE PARROT!!" Later that day, the repairman let himself into Mrs. James house and sure enough, there was her Pit Bull. He was a gentle dog . . he just lay on the rug and watched the repairman do his work. The parrot, however, was another story. He screamed, and squawked, and lunged at the repairman the entire time he was in the house. Finally the repairman couldn't take the bird's screaming any longer and he yelled, "SHUT UP YOU STUPID BIRD." At that, the parrot looked at the Pit Bull and said "Sic 'em, Brutus."

given the frequency and popularity of pressing/shanghaing for crews.I agree with Capn William in that most of the swordsmen would be lacking training-it takes a good bit of time devoted to practice to become good at the various forms of swordfighting and this time for training was much more prevalent among the higher classes which were not usuallly taken for ship crews.

this one is sure to offend someone-just remeber all cabin 'boys' are 18 or older. A sailor walks in to the head. A soon to be cabin boy who was on his way out looks at him, smiles, and asks, "Are you a REAL sailor?" The sailor replies, "Why yes I am boy... Say - you want to wear my hat?" The boy replies, "Sure mister!", and puts the hat on his head. As the sailor entered a stall the boy placed himself on "guard duty" by the door. Shortly, a pirate entered. The boy again looked up, smiled, and asked, "Are you a REAL pirate?" The Sailor replied, "Why yes I am... You wanna suck my d***?" The boy quickly took the hat off his head and said, "Oh no - I'm not a real sailor - I'm just wearing his hat!"

that was fun. Mad Jenny Roberts Every pirate is a little bit crazy. You, though, are more than just a little bit. Two things complete your pirate persona: style and swagger. Maybe a little too much swagger sometimes -- but who really cares? Arr!

DRUNK PIRATE A drunken pirate got into a big mud puddle in the street and was looking for something there. Soon two other pirates came over and asked him: "Ahoy,Mate, what er ya lookin' fer?" "can ya lend a fellow a hand, men?" said the drunk. The new arrivals walked into the puddle too and set about searching something unknown. At last the first drunk got out of the puddle and exclaimed: "I've found it!" "What did you find?" "The shore!" he exclaimed.

oh!Stynky! you are just perfectly adorable.

A lady was looking for a present for her husband Harry, the pirate. She went to the only pet shop in town to buy one. The pet shop owner refused to sell her the one parrot he had. "You don't want this one, it has lived in a brothel all its life." "Yes, I must have it", said the pirate's wife." Harry has wanted a parrot all his life, and this is a beautiful bird!" "Thanks, gorgeous," said the parrot, and he was soon taken to the lady's house. She put him into the corner, covered him up, and waited until the party that night to show her husband his gift. When she uncovered the parrot, her husband was amazed. Then the parrot said. "Nice house, better broads; oh, Hi, Harry!"

this is one of me jokes that got the heave ho In days of old, this young sailor was about to sign up for a 6-month trip on a sailing ship. He xasked the captain about sex life, since there would be no women on the ship. "Don' ye worry about it, lad. We'll make sure your needs are taken care of." After about 2 weeks at sea, the lad had a bone that wouldn't go away, so he went to ask the captain how to take care of it. "Aye, lad, 'ere's ya key. Go open up the door under the ladder. In there you'll find a barrel, take the bung out of the hole and insert your manhood. I think you'll find this arrangement satisfactory." The lad went down, opened the door, removed the bung, inserted his prick and got his rocks off in record time. In fact, it was SO good he asked for the key the next five nights in a row. On the sixth night, the captain said, "Not tonight, laddie; it's your turn in the barrel."

an thanx from me too,Angus. this is my favorite area to listen and spew. hehe Capt Weaver

Smart Parrot A guy decides that he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud,"Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?." "I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot." "Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me." I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird." "Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it cause of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy, you really can understand and answer, can't you?" "Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy ...and I am especially good at ornithology.You ought to buy me. I am a great companion." The guy looks at the price tag. $200. He says. "I can't afford that." "Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20, just make an offer." The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "pssst," And motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman..." "What?" says the guy. "What?" "Well," the parrot says, when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth." "What happened then?" asks the guy."Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot."My God!!" the guy says. "Then what?" "Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts slowly going down and down..."The parrot pauses for a long time ..."What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy. "I don't know," says the Parrot, "My dick got hard and I fell off my perch."

Charity, that was sick-my dad will love it . :) A young boy dressed as a pirate captain knocked on the door of a house to get some Halloween treats. A woman answered the door and recognized that he was a pirate. "Where are your buccaneers?" asked the woman. The boy replied "Under my buccan-hat!"

many places have totally banned realistic squirt guns-thailand is one as well as many smaller regions and cities like augusta georgia.the manufacturers have mostly stopped making them due to pressure from influential sources.the best way to find a more realistic one is to look on ebay or other places that may sell the older kind. this is a link to the site that sells the widowmaker,which looks like a cannon-there is a diagram of it there also. http://www.california-water-cannon.com/ this place sells a brightly colored water blaster that resembles a matchlock rifle-with a little creative decorations it would be a great water war weapon. http://www.waterblaster.net/ I was at an sca site last year that had conversion plans for a water balloon slingshot into a cannon.I couldn't find the original site,but it was pretty simple.you just find a piece of pvc pipe that fits the size ballon you are going to use and attach the sling shot to the inside.it used a long hook(padded double wire to grab each side of the sling pad) inserted from the breech end of the cannon to pull the sling shot back where the firing trigger holds it-then you drop a balloon in and pull the trigger.of course you can add paint and other embellishments to make it more realistic.remember if you are in the water it is good to use biodegradable water balloons,because the fish and birds eat them and often die. http://store.yahoo.com/fliinc/100yarwatlau.html this site has lots of water balloon sling shots. Capt Weaver

hey Stynky, I'm not sure of the complete name of the book,as it is in the safe deposit box-but the main large words on the cover are,"boy chemist". unfortunately my scanner is broke so I can't scan any of the diagrams-but I would be happy to send pictures of the work in progress. :)

Capn William, yes it will be a smaller pistol you would probably know more about what it will be firing than I do.I have mostly fired cannons.this is my first non cannon project and I havn't got that far in the process yet.I figured I would build it first and worry about the firing later with someone who has more experience in it. we are following the instructions on making it from an incredible book made in the early 1800s-the book has all sorts of strange and exotic things to make and build,mostly dealing with various things of a chemical/explosive nature like;fireworks,blue cyanide ink poison to paint on varmint spike traps,black powder,thermite,electrolysis for removing salt water concretions from metal and even a volcano model that they recomend you stand 100 feet upwind of and not fire off near livestock because the fumes can be fatal if inhaled.it is a truly fascinating book that we periodically get out of the safe deposit and photocopy pages out of. Capt Weaver

I am in the process of building a wheel lock pistol right now,in collaboration with my father who was a machinist.I started with an old octagon barrel and we are making all the rest.wheel locks are tricky little buggers,but when I first saw one I thought it was so beautiful that I had to have one.it will be a small caliber=25/20.

I must concede. you both have far too much time...er...talent for me to compete with you. Capt Weaver

hello and welcome. despite what some people have said about the apparent spoofyness of pirates of the caribbean,I can't wait to see it -but then again I love just about everything johnny depp has been in,not to mention cute little orlando bloom.

Capt William, yes I'm on your seadogges list. at least this is an addiction that encourages the furthering of historical knowledge.I am lucky in that my life partner understands my various obsessions and knows how much they mean to me-what good is life if ya don't have any passions? Capt Weaver

Capt Roberts,you are just sooooooo adorable-in that rough ,tough piratical way of course-hehe great poem! aarrgghhhh!!!

I know ya asked fer short poems,but I started writing it and just couldn't stop.there's more to the story,but that will have to wait for another time. Sir Henry Morgan and the Fall of Panama It was on a mornin' Dark and Stormin' It was december 1670, 3000 men And not one hen Lookin' fer prizes a plenty. Morgan was Captain of English and French 33 ships with bloodlust to quench Heading for rich Panama, Joseph Bradley he sent out Destroyed them all without a doubt San Lorenzo the first that they saw. Canoes up the Chagres Then the jungle:hard progress At last the city was in view, 2000 defenders Spanish contenders And the Buccaneers killed them all too Both horses and men Knew their life would soon end Murder's what they did intend, So they tried to flee From the killing spree Just a few they did not apprehend. They looted,pilaged and burned the whole town Never knowing the wealth had been taken far down In a place that was better defended, To ecquador way Where the loot would long stay Till after the battle had ended. Back in England its said That France wants Morgan's head For the piracy acts that he did, England said no To Jamaica he'd go And they knighted him instead.

I know you know dread pirate Roberts She's brave to be here with us perverts captain Luigi you see With evil tiny and me Meaning no one can be safe in there skirts. Captain Luigi's my mate fer corruption Wherever he goes there's disruption Some cabin boys hide Others sit by his side To see who will take his eruption. Now the ladys have a similiar reaction Some are bound by glorious attraction To a pirate so versed In love making coerced And no one leaves without great satisfaction.

that was a damn good nautical ghost poem worthy of publication in any fine book or magazine with a nautical,pirate or ghost theme. AAARRRGGGHHH!!! for a job well done. and a wussy huzzah just for good measure. hehe

The Captain he's fixin' to battle He's speaking of words:mere prattle ass kicking he says from the town of Jerez All the way back to Seattle.

You remember the blond pirate Westyn She's bold and can take all the jesting The pokes and the prods Of us rum drunken sods In this duel Captain Flint is requesting

the Lymeric is my chosen poetic form.it is short,very formal,highly rhyming and traditionally lewd-just the way I like it. here's a couple of clean ones to start the festivities. There once was a pirate named Flint Who wanted to duel for a stint His weapon was words Neither flintlock or swords A battle that's sure to imprint. And then there was a pirate named Westyn Who thought is was best to invest in Rum recipes galore Never know what's in store From the Captain who knows what she's best in. hehe Capt Weaver