The Pirate Hunter's Smarter Brother!

[LongTom]

An eerie fog drifts into the pub, pushed in by a cold damp breeze. The door swings open and a tall dark female form shrouded in fog enters the pub, she is followed by four enormous, hulking, ugly, hairy, battle-scarred, drunken creatures.

"Ello my name is Elvira Montoya, I aim looking for Inigo Montoya he owes mi alimonies an cheeldrens support."

Elvira steps into the dimly lit pub, she is beautiful and terrifying to behold. Her black dress shows off her pale ample abundance. The dress is slit above the knee and reveals her shapely legs. Her eyes are the color of a stormy sky, and her lips are blood red. Black hair cascades about her shoulders, and behind her looms the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

What is this? Everyone knows that pirates and monsters don't mix!

[Elvira Montoya]

What is this? Everyone knows that pirates and monsters don't mix!

"Who are jou calling a monster? I aim de former wife of Inigo Montoya and dese ar his cheeldrens!"

[Elvira Montoya]

Turns flashing blue eyes on Rosie. "And as for FLAT, well my dear, I can't suppose, after all those little Montoya's you're so proud of, you're quite as "pert" as you used to be, eh?" Gives a sly wink. "Better to be flat, than falling!"

"Ransom, jou were in Pilates class, no? I had mi first Montoya bebe when mi es jus fifteen. Mi still es under thirty; so, gracias a Dios, nada es fallen yet!"

Elvira catches a whiff of cigarillos and spanish cologne, and knows she has come to the right place. She spies a familiar figure, that she did not expect to see. It is her former servant little Rosie.

"Rosie, santita! Jou are employed here? Go fetchee mi an de cheeldrens somting to drink, por favor."

[Rosarita Montoya]

"Rosie, santita! Jou are employed here? Go fetchee mi an de cheeldrens somting to drink, por favor."

Rosie bristles and turns to see her former mistress and the brute squad. She doesn't look as surprised to see Elvira, as Elvira is to see her.

"No Señora, I aim not empleared here. Why arr jou seeking work?"

[Elvira Montoya]

"No Señora, I aim not empleared here. Why arr jou seeking work?"

"Mi work, no work is por peons y servants. Speaking of de peons, was dat leetle Pepe? Inigo gave mi Pepe as a wedding presente."

[Elvira Montoya]

"Rosie jou might wan to tink about working here. Jou see I aim here to take Inigo back to de casa to be wit his real cheeldrens. I hab spoken wit de Cardinal an he will declare Inigo's matrimonio nulo! I hab put a lien on de casa por back payments por cheeldren support. So, Inigo can go to de casa wid mi, or debtor prisión."

"Niños, bind Rosie wid dat whip she likes so mucho."

The four enormous, hulking, ugly, hairy, battle-scarred, drunken children over power and tie up Rosie.

[Elvira Montoya]

Elvira and two of the four hulks leave the pub to find an unsuspecting Inigo. The other two remain to stand watch over the badly beaten Rosie. Their madre has given them orders to prevent anyone from freeing Rosie.

"Dese are pirates, no heroes here!", chuckles hulk one.

"Jou mean pie-rats", chortles hulk two.

[Jacky Tar]

Their madre has given them orders to prevent anyone from freeing Rosie.

Jacky and Pepe are outside the pub, and peeking in through a window. Jacky is furious by what he sees.

He knows that if they are to have any chance rescuing Rosie, they must do it before Elvira and the others return.

"Pepe, the one near t' the bar looks like she could be yer child!"

"Dat es Izzie, an she could be mio."

Jacky looks quizzically at Pepe.

"Boss, de ex Señora Montoya, hab apetitos. One day she try a leetle Pepe, nueve months later, ello Isadora!"

"Pepe, look Rosie's captors arr gettin' sleepy!"

The two sneek in through the back door of the pub. The Montoya children, are snoring. Jacky unties the almost unconsious Rosie, and carries her from the Pub.

[Inigo Montoya]

Montoya strides back into the pub, an imperious scowl knitting his heavy brow.

"So, Juance again, I comb here to face down jou boatload of creeminals. Jou, Capitan Silver Bouillion, jou not fool me for an eenstant! Jou corrupted my Rosie, deedn't jou? And jou, Capitan Siren, eef jou not a creeminal, why jou spend so moch time in de company of creeminals? Whad' a nice girl like jou doeeng in a place like dees, hah? And all de rest of jou -- oh, hi Lampy! -- jou all guilty by association! Jou, Long Tom, jou -- naiver mind. Anyboady see jou jus heeting on Siren. Jou gets a pass dis time."

"And as for jou, Rosie--" he turns his gaze to where Rosarita should have been -- and halts, surprise springing onto his features.

"...Flatty? Hank?" He shakes his head, wondering. "Whad' dey be doing here?" He turns to Sterling and whispers, "Dey be de Four Hoarse Men of de Alpaca Lips! Dey be called Bickering, Flatulence, Bulimia, and Ennui. De las' one, de name be French, an' hard to pronounce, so hees friends jus' call heem "Hank."

"If dey here, dat only mean Juan t'ing... Elvira!" His face spasms with pain. "My heart ees on fire! Elvira! ...escuse me jus' a moment." He reaches into his doublet, pops a small tablet into his mouth, chews, and sighs. "Sorry. Ees jus' de heartburn." Shaking his head and shuddering, "She geev me ulcer. Good t'ing she not here, I probably barf on her shoes."

He returns his attention to the slumbering pair. "Eef dere is Juan t'ing dese two really good at, eet's being violent. But eet gon' bite dem Juan day. Watch dees." Montoya produces a noose, which he has cleverly borrowed from Colonel Walker. He flings one end over a rafter. Careful not to disturb their snoring, he slips the noose over Flatty's neck, and places the other end in Hank's hand. Placing himself out of the sightlines of both, he gives a hearty pull on Hank's half of the rope, jerking Flatty's head into the air. As Flatty bellows to sudden wakefulness, Inigo fades to a darkened corner of the Pub to enjoy the fun.

[Elvira Montoya]

He returns his attention to the slumbering pair. "Eef dere is Juan t'ing dese two really good at, eet's being violent. But eet gon' bite dem Juan day. Watch dees." Montoya produces a noose, which he has cleverly borrowed from Colonel Walker. He flings one end over a rafter. Careful not to disturb their snoring, he slips the noose over Flatty's neck, and places the other end in Hank's hand. Placing himself out of the sightlines of both, he gives a hearty pull on Hank's half of the rope, jerking Flatty's head into the air. As Flatty bellows to sudden wakefulness, Inigo fades to a darkened corner of the Pub to enjoy the fun.

Izzie (Flatty) wakes to find her brother Madeja (Hank; which means skein in English. 'Perhaps Inigo knits!') attempting to hang her. Izzie swings to a table top to loosen the noose, before her brother's joke kills her!

Removing the noose from her own neck, and placing it around the neck of the unsuspecting Hank; she then takes the end of the rope from his hand and yanks Hank into the air.

Hank, who is not as good natured as Izzie, pulls a dagger from his belt and throws it at Izzie, before he realizes it is her. Izzie lets go of the rope to avoid the incoming dagger, which flies past her and into a darkened corner of the Pub.

[Inigo Montoya]

On one of her never-ending rounds, one of Ray's serving maids discreetly drops a letter at Inigo's booth. He looks at it. "Hmm. Eet from Captain Hook Don Phonics. I wonder whad' dey want?" He frowns and opens it.

Dear Mr. Montoya,

Thank you for completing our course. For the third time. We really appreciate your business.

Here is your evaluation:

* Penmanship: Improving

* Spelling: Improving

* Reading Comprehension: Not So Much

He grimaces to himself. "Hmph. I not de one who not know whad' a sheep ees."

He holds the letter up, idly polishing his reading glasses. Suddenly a knife comes flying from the general direction of the two brats, pinning the letter to...

[Jacky Tar]

On one of her never-ending rounds, one of Ray's serving maids discreetly drops a letter at Inigo's booth.

Jacky Tar enters the bar and sees Inigo has a booth in the back of the pub.

"Ray when did ye add booths? Can I get booth, too!"

Ray motions to Jacky, and taps on a brass plate on the edge of the bar. The plate reads, 'Reserved for Jacky Tar'. Jacky smiles and takes his place at the bar. Ray nods to Jacky and goes back to wiping glasses.

[Elvira Montoya]

Elvira Montoya and the younger children return to the pub, and find Hank prostrate on the floor with a noose around his neck and Izzie standing over him. See notes that Rosie is missing.

"I leafs jou two alone por a few hours an I returns to find jou like dis! Izzie help boredom... Ennui... I means Medeja to his feet. I suppose jou tink maybe if jou tie each udder up, Madre not notice Rosie is missing?"

"Wait, de aroma of spanish cologne es stronger than before, y antiácido?" She turns and sees the smiling and always elegante Inigo...

[Rosarita Montoya]

Rosie enters the pub through the back door. She makes her way to the lost and found box behind the bar; where, she retrieves her whip and picks up a serving tray. Hiding her face with the tray she walks to the booths in the back of the pub. He sees Inigo smiling at Elvira, and she spots a dagger stuck in the side of the booth. She quickly pulls the dagger and places the tip against Inigo's throat.

"While dos Hoarse Men of de Alpaca Lips beat me, jou folick on de beech wid Capitan Siren?" (see 'You in yar garb')

[Inigo Montoya]

Rosie enters the pub through the back door. She makes her way to the lost and found box behind the bar; where, she retrieves her whip and picks up a serving tray. Hiding her face with the tray she walks to the booths in the back of the pub. He sees Inigo smiling at Elvira, and she spots a dagger stuck in the side of the booth. She quickly pulls the dagger and places the tip against Inigo's throat.

"While dos Hoarse Men of de Alpaca Lips beat me, jou folick on de beech wid Capitan Siren?" (see 'You in yar garb')

Inigo rolls his eyes and says under his breath, "I no freaking believe dis...Rosie too? Dere somet'ing wrong wid' de acoustics in here, or what?" Raising his voice, "Rosie, what de hail de madder wid' jou? Jou no speak Eengleesh eidder? Jou note know whad' beach means? I be talking about de sand!"

"I hab jou know, I note apprechiate jou calling me a playa."

[Inigo Montoya]

She turns and sees the smiling and always elegante Inigo...

He sees Inigo smiling at Elvira,

Dat's not a smile, dat's gas.

[Inigo Montoya]

Inigo gingerly eases the dagger point away from his jugular and warily eyes Rosarita's injuries.

"Rosie, I sorry jou get messed up, but I deed warn jou! What deed I say before I leave for here, eh? 'Jou weel naiver fin' a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.' Dat whad' I say! But do jou stay away an' let de Pirate Hunter™ do hees work? No, jou waltz een here and get ever'boady all worked up about the -- um, beeg theeng in de water! How I supposed to provide for our keeds -- no wait... um... whose keeds are dose again? ...well, somebody's keeds, anyway ... when jou start getting de whole pub eenterested in getting a share? Before long, dey gon' t'ink dey own my monedas so much, dey espect me to buy dem all dreenks!"

"Den, I go out lookeeng for a new place to bury de -- (he halts, eyes sliding melodramatically in both directions, and places one hand aside his mouth) ... de treasure... before dese roaffians get dere hans on eet, and JOU theenk it mean me foolin' aroun'! I tell jou true, Rosie, all I see dere is a bonch of hot sand and a likely lookeeng cliff. (See, when jou buries a treasure, jou make a mark on de cliff, so's jou can comb back later and find eet. Dey call dat 'cliff notes'.)"

"Dat all. A hot beach and a cliff. Not'ing else. Well, h'okay, I deed look twice when a pair of dirty socks wid' no feet in dem go ronning past ... but odder den dat, not'ing."

[Rosarita Montoya]

Inigo gingerly eases the dagger point away from his jugular and warily eyes Rosarita's injuries.

"Inigo I aim sorry! Pero estos ultimo dias!"

"Elvira combs to de pub an tells mi she going to hab de Cardinal nulo hour matrimonio. She say jou owe her monies, an she es taking de casa. De ugly step cheeldrens beat an tie mi up!"

"I go to see jou cussin de priest, an heem sez Elvira signs documentos, dat sez de sheep belongs to de church!"

"I see jou on a beech wid Capitan Siren, mio English es terrible, an I tink jou sez Siren is muy caliente. Witch she is!"

"If we no un matrimonio, den Elvira can sell mi an hour seex cheeldrens to Capitan Sterling!"

Rosie slumps into Inigo's booth and begins to weep.

[Elvira Montoya]

Dat's not a smile, dat's gas.

Gas indeed. (taps her foot impatiently)

"Inigo, jou sign des documentos, an des leetle tragedia is historia!"

"Adiós Rosie! Cheeldrens help Rosie find her way to de door."

The four move toward the booth...

[Rosarita Montoya]

The four move toward the booth...

They reach the booth and begin to drag Rosie out of the booth.

"Please Inigo do somting. Jou wan mi out of jou lifes, fin. But, not like dis. Don't let dem take de sheep of jou dreams too!"

Rosie breaks free for the moment. Kicks Hank in the groin, grabs her whip to keep the other three at bay.

Jacky breaks a rum bottle against the back of Izzie's head. This gets her attention and she throws him out an open window. Pepe tries to tackle Izzie, and he is thrown out the same window.

Rosie is not going down without a fight. She wraps her whip around Izzie's neck and trys to strangle her. Izzie tries to get Rosie to release the whip...

[Elvira Montoya]

Rosie is not going down without a fight. She wraps her whip around Izzie's neck and trys to strangle her. Izzie tries to get Rosie to release the whip...

Izzie is starting to black out and turns toward the open window. She stumbles and falls out the open window with Rosie on her back.

"Madeja go after jou hermana now!" Without hesitating he jumps out the same window.

The two remaining children remain with their mother. Elvira turns again to face Inigo.

[Silkie McDonough]

Will Rosie, Izzi and the other sibling survive the fall?

Will Elvira be able to survive the daylight?

Will Inigo ever post again?

Will Jacky get carpal tunnel syndrom from so much typing?

Tune in tomorrow (or later today) for the answers on:

"Pyrates of the Slapstick Humor"

or

"Pyrates of the Drunken Sooper"

or

"As the Pub Burns"

or

"Sheep Montoya"

or

...

[Rumba Rue]

[Ransom]

Ai, Madres de Dios!

[Jacky Tar]

I thought I'd take a moment to answer a few letters from our readers.

Dear Jacky,

Do you really look like Willie Nelson?

Merrydeath

------

Dear Merrydeath,

No, but if I told everybody I looked like Tom Cruise, no one would read my posts.

Jacky

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Dear Jacky,

Is it true jou shaved jou legs to play Elvira?

Elvira's biggest fan,

Joaquin

-------

Dear Joaquin,

No, I didn't shave my legs to play Elvira.

Please, quit leaving me those voice mails.

Jacky

------

Dear Jacky,

Is Rosie's foredeck real? They can't be after six kids!

False Ransom

------

Dear False Ransom,

Sorry, but they are as real, as she is.

Jacky

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Final Letter.

-------

Dear Jacky,

How come you don't say I'm hot, everybody else does?

Siren

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Dear Siren,

Last time we ran together, I was too winded to say anything. Heck, you were hot, I was hot...

Jacky