Emerald Posted September 23, 2003 Posted September 23, 2003 So. Captain Jack Sparrow walked into a bar one day carrying a live crocodile. "Bartender!" he said," A pint o' ye best rum please." The bartender said "Hang on Jack, you can't bring that in here" "oh it's ok" says Jack, "he's quite tame. Look".... Jack placed the croc on the bar, prised open its savage jaws, unzipped himself and placed his most prized possession into the croc's mouth. He then proceeded to produce a large baseball bat and whacked it down onto its head. The crocodile did not flinch. Just for good measure, Jack again brought down the baseball bat onto the croc's head. Again, it did not move. "You see?" said Jack and looking around the bar said,"Would anyone else like to have a go?" Immediately, a little ol' lady appeared from the back of the bar. "Ay lad", says she, "but promise you won't hit me too hard with the bat!"
Lucky Penny Hawkings Posted September 23, 2003 Posted September 23, 2003 Ohdear.... Jack be chased by wee ol' ladies!! "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because I am robbing you, tossing you overboard, and stealing your ship!" -the only thing more dangerous than her.. is her needle-
the Royaliste Posted September 23, 2003 Posted September 23, 2003 Aye originally 'eard it was a truck driver an' a monkey, but wot the 'eck!!
Emerald Posted September 23, 2003 Posted September 23, 2003 Yup. Modified to adapt to the pyratical flavour. (You clearly keep the same sort of company as me!)
Cap'n Coyote Posted September 24, 2003 Posted September 24, 2003 Another modified tale, an' includin' some o' me new mates. A pirate walks into the pub with an octopus on his shoulder. All conversation stops as he makes his way to the bar. Snickers are heard, then some laughter, then outright roaring and spitting of grog. The pirate just stares until everyone quiets down. He says “I know what yer thinkin.’ What self-respectin’ pirate would give up ‘is parrot fer a slimy creature o’ the deep? Well, me ‘earties, it jus’ so ‘appens that this is me first mate, an’ can outdo any o’ ye rummies at any shipboard tasks ye care to name. I’ll stake me ship on it!” Of course, that kind of wager was not about to be ignored. First up was Seaskull: ‘I got a mess o’ plunder in me ‘old what needs to be stowed in me chests. I could do it in an hour.” So everyone climbs on board and watches as the octopus does it in 15 minutes. Royaliste was next: Me cannon need polishin,’ an’ it takes me near 6 hours to do it properly.” The octopus does it in 2. Lucky Penny Hawkins challenges with: “That’s all well an’ good fer deck-swabbin.’ But ‘oo ar’ ya’ gonna call on when yer coats need mendin’?” Quick as lightning, the octopus strips off her coat with two arms, picks her sewing kit out of her pocket with a third, and proceeds to sew every tear closed perfectly. It then repacks the kit, puts it back in her pocket, and helps her back into the coat. It does all this without dropping a single needle. Now, Mad Maudlin McCrumb steps up to the bar, and places a set of bagpipes beside the octopus. “Let’s ‘ave a nice round of sea shanties, if’n ya’ please.” The octopus looks at the ‘pipes, picks up one arm and sets it back down. Picks up another arm and sets it back down. Picks up another arm… The pirate looks at it and says “Well? Ain’t ye goin’ ta’ play it?” “Play it?” the octopus replies. “If I can get its pajamas off, I’m goin’ ta f*** it!” Rumors of my death were right on the money.
Mad Maudlin McCrumb Posted September 24, 2003 Posted September 24, 2003 AAAAHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA! (falling off my chair, screaming with laughter, scaring the neighbors..) "You have a woman's skin, m'lord! I'll wager that hides never been rubbed with salt and flayed off to make stockin's for a pirates best cabin boy!"
Lucky Penny Hawkings Posted September 24, 2003 Posted September 24, 2003 Lucky Penny Hawkins challenges with: “That’s all well an’ good fer deck-swabbin.’ But ‘oo ar’ ya’ gonna call on when yer coats need mendin’?” Quick as lightning, the octopus strips off her coat with two arms, picks her sewing kit out of her pocket with a third, and proceeds to sew every tear closed perfectly. It then repacks the kit, puts it back in her pocket, and helps her back into the coat. It does all this without dropping a single needle. ARRRR! Bloody octopus took all th' character outta me coat! It's me tradmark 'tis! Kidding! My GODS that was bloody amazin'! *falling over into hysterics* "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because I am robbing you, tossing you overboard, and stealing your ship!" -the only thing more dangerous than her.. is her needle-
the Royaliste Posted September 24, 2003 Posted September 24, 2003 (catchin' Penny 'afore she falls overboard)...Hardee,har,har,......still laffin' me arse off!!!.....
Cap'n Knifehand Ken Posted September 24, 2003 Posted September 24, 2003 Thar once be a pirate name o' Kurt To all was known as a flirt When a wench would walk by He'd politely say hi Then put 'is hand up 'er skirt!!! The pirate Knifehand Ken captured many galleons, killing over five-hundred men in cold blood. He would tear the captains hearts out and swallow them whole. Often forcing his victims to eat their own lips.
Lucky Penny Hawkings Posted September 24, 2003 Posted September 24, 2003 (catchin' Penny 'afore she falls overboard)...Hardee,har,har,......still laffin' me arse off!!!..... Yie! Would be a bad thing t'stumble off, it would.. Thank ye, my Cap'n! "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because I am robbing you, tossing you overboard, and stealing your ship!" -the only thing more dangerous than her.. is her needle-
captweaver65 Posted September 24, 2003 Author Posted September 24, 2003 HARRR HARRR HARRR! Capt Weaver "No man will be a sailor who has contrivance enough to get himself into a jail; for being in a ship is being in a jail, with the chance of being drowned. A man in jail has more room, better food, and commonly better company. " Dr. Samuel Johnson Capt Weaver's Pirate Perversions
captweaver65 Posted September 24, 2003 Author Posted September 24, 2003 After being at sea for 2 years,a sailor is finally ashore on leave.he runs up to the first whorehouse he sees. He entered and promptly went up to the Madam and asked her what he could get for $20. The Madam gave him a lengthy stare and told him to go upstairs, last door on the left. He proceeded to march up the stairs and entered the room. To his shock and pleasure he saw a beautiful blonde waiting naked on the bed. So he tore off his clothes and jumped on and started pumping away for dear life. Upon orgasm he noticed that stuff started oozing out of her eyeballs. He runs down to the Madam to report this and she looks at him turns around and yells, "Hey Charlie....... The dead one's full again!" Capt Weaver "No man will be a sailor who has contrivance enough to get himself into a jail; for being in a ship is being in a jail, with the chance of being drowned. A man in jail has more room, better food, and commonly better company. " Dr. Samuel Johnson Capt Weaver's Pirate Perversions
Zephyr Posted September 24, 2003 Posted September 24, 2003 by far too tame for this scurvy lot...you know about the dread and dangerous old and toothless Egyptian pyrate? His barque is worse than his bite.
Mad Maudlin McCrumb Posted September 24, 2003 Posted September 24, 2003 That was painful.... ooooohhh.. both the last ones... arrr... heehee "You have a woman's skin, m'lord! I'll wager that hides never been rubbed with salt and flayed off to make stockin's for a pirates best cabin boy!"
Cap'n Coyote Posted September 24, 2003 Posted September 24, 2003 by far too tame for this scurvy lot...you know about the dread and dangerous old and toothless Egyptian pyrate? His barque is worse than his bite. Or the milkmaid that had to choose between her Spanish Pirate boyfriend or her job... That's right, between Juan or th' udder. Rumors of my death were right on the money.
captweaver65 Posted September 24, 2003 Author Posted September 24, 2003 CW, that one is decidedly...... that is just the cutest puking smilie... and my last joke deserves it :) Capt Weaver "No man will be a sailor who has contrivance enough to get himself into a jail; for being in a ship is being in a jail, with the chance of being drowned. A man in jail has more room, better food, and commonly better company. " Dr. Samuel Johnson Capt Weaver's Pirate Perversions
Cap'n Coyote Posted September 24, 2003 Posted September 24, 2003 Thanks to ye, Emerald, lass! I'd a ne'er forgiv'n meself if'n I 'ad missed th' good captain's birthday. Only been groanin' at 'er scandalous witticisms fer a week, an' already consider 'er a closer mate than many I've known longer. :) Rumors of my death were right on the money.
captweaver65 Posted September 25, 2003 Author Posted September 25, 2003 thanx fer the birthday wishes Emerald and Coyote. high praise. it's good to be appreciated/loathed/feared/etc... :) I do have a somewhat questionable sense of humor that bends toward the perverse...but... if ya got it,flaunt it. hehe Capt Weaver "No man will be a sailor who has contrivance enough to get himself into a jail; for being in a ship is being in a jail, with the chance of being drowned. A man in jail has more room, better food, and commonly better company. " Dr. Samuel Johnson Capt Weaver's Pirate Perversions
captweaver65 Posted September 25, 2003 Author Posted September 25, 2003 In Milan, a young dyke named Orsini Served her lesbian friend a martini, Then suggestively said, "Let's have pasta in bed!" Which, of course, meant cunnilinguini. Capt Weaver "No man will be a sailor who has contrivance enough to get himself into a jail; for being in a ship is being in a jail, with the chance of being drowned. A man in jail has more room, better food, and commonly better company. " Dr. Samuel Johnson Capt Weaver's Pirate Perversions
highlyeccentric Posted September 25, 2003 Posted September 25, 2003 Captain Weaver, you are terrible! That is a perversity possessed almost solely by males, yet the intelligence and wit one only finds in women. My poor, innocent little-girl mind shall never by the same!
the Royaliste Posted September 25, 2003 Posted September 25, 2003 Aw,shit, shaking head....Damn, Weaver!!!!...cunilinguini!!!!!.......
Cap'n Coyote Posted September 25, 2003 Posted September 25, 2003 In Milan, a young dyke named Orsini Served her lesbian friend a martini, Then suggestively said, "Let's have pasta in bed!" Which, of course, meant cunnilinguini. *slaps hand to head, falls over backwards, describing a perfect arc in the transition from vertical to horizontal* Rumors of my death were right on the money.
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