Cap'n Coyote

Artemis, I love dragons! I have about 25 so far (no two of the same material). My favorite is a dragon that serves as an oil lamp. He holds the wick in one hand, and has his head in the other. When the lamp is lit, he is staring into the flame. I also have one made out of folded leaves. I try not to light that one. I saw a picture of one in a Thai restaurant that was comprised of butterfly wings. I am on the lookout for one similar. I also collect Wile E. Coyote stuff (hence the name), and have a large shrine to him at my office.

Bless ya' lass! Ya made me day. I'll print it out on me parchment paper first thing tamorry! I just wish me customers could see it, but that be th' burden o' phone tech.

LOL, LP! That be awesome! BTW, ye wouldn' 'appen ta 'ave th' original from yer tech supportin' days would ye? Be mighty nice ta replace me "I'll be nicer when you are smarter" poster.

Thanks to ye, Emerald, lass! I'd a ne'er forgiv'n meself if'n I 'ad missed th' good captain's birthday. Only been groanin' at 'er scandalous witticisms fer a week, an' already consider 'er a closer mate than many I've known longer. :)

'Ave th' 'appiest o' days, Capt! Hope ye get a 'old full of terrible saucy jokes to replace those ye've shared wi' this mangy crew! Cheers! *upends barrel*

Well, 'ere 'tis. Twice as long as the first 'un. I 'ad not intended it ta be so involved, but th' backstory demanded tellin' (you writers know how it goes when characters start doin' th' most unexpected things). Now th' damn thing's turnin' inta an epic. Another stormy night has come, I duck inside the bar And check out all the sailors who have come so very far Surely one can take me out to where my fortune lies (But I’ll not go with that one, for I do not like his eyes) My mother always wanted me to have some gold set by “Rely not on a sailor, for he’ll leave you high and dry” A voice full of experience, my dad had by then left His wife of nine long years, with me upon her breast There was no word for many years, we waited here in vain Until the day the map arrived, a letter sent from Spain I opened it in Mother’s name, for she was in the ground And read it through while crying, for this is what I found “My dearest wife, I miss you so. Allow me to explain. Our ship was taken captive, our captain quickly slain. The rest of us were pressed aboard a black-sailed Pirate crate And kept in chains below the decks, there to await our fate Most our crew did walk the plank, the Articles refused But as I was a carpenter, it was my skills they used For nineteen years I’ve wished to look upon your face again And watch our dear girl Brandy grow, and hold tight to her hand I know I’ll never walk again with you out in the sun For I am gravely wounded from a Navy frigate’s gun We had anchored off an isle, pursuit was coming soon Our hold was full of plunder: silver plates and gold doubloons The frigate soon arrived and then the battle loud and hot I felt a pain beneath my heart, and knew that I’d been shot I never knew how long it took to kill the Pirate band For I was being pulled onto a deck by Navy hands I told my tale, they patched me up, and took me back to shore But now my strength is fading and I cannot linger more I hoped to be a good man, both hardworking and true But though I can’t be there in flesh, I have a gift for you On the back of this last letter is a fragment of a chart Where the crew did meet their end, and the ship was blown apart The waters there are not too deep, but deep enough to hide A sunken ship of treasure for a man to give his bride I hope that I will see you soon upon that golden shore And hope that you forgive me, and we can walk once more” And now I prowl around the bar appraising drunken louts And look for likely candidates to make the voyage out And one does beckon to me from the table by the stair His brought his ship in yesterday, the proud King Neptune’s Lair A faster ship could not be had in this small of a town I straightened up my bodice, then walked over and sat down Before too long it was quite clear he could not hold his brew And by the time we went upstairs, I knew what I would do I worked him over good and rough, until he was quite worn And stole away in darkest night, he’d sleep ‘til late that morn The sun came up and lit the sea, the wind whipped through my hair I set my course with firm resolve, and I would soon be there

Or the milkmaid that had to choose between her Spanish Pirate boyfriend or her job... That's right, between Juan or th' udder.

Another modified tale, an' includin' some o' me new mates. A pirate walks into the pub with an octopus on his shoulder. All conversation stops as he makes his way to the bar. Snickers are heard, then some laughter, then outright roaring and spitting of grog. The pirate just stares until everyone quiets down. He says “I know what yer thinkin.’ What self-respectin’ pirate would give up ‘is parrot fer a slimy creature o’ the deep? Well, me ‘earties, it jus’ so ‘appens that this is me first mate, an’ can outdo any o’ ye rummies at any shipboard tasks ye care to name. I’ll stake me ship on it!” Of course, that kind of wager was not about to be ignored. First up was Seaskull: ‘I got a mess o’ plunder in me ‘old what needs to be stowed in me chests. I could do it in an hour.” So everyone climbs on board and watches as the octopus does it in 15 minutes. Royaliste was next: Me cannon need polishin,’ an’ it takes me near 6 hours to do it properly.” The octopus does it in 2. Lucky Penny Hawkins challenges with: “That’s all well an’ good fer deck-swabbin.’ But ‘oo ar’ ya’ gonna call on when yer coats need mendin’?” Quick as lightning, the octopus strips off her coat with two arms, picks her sewing kit out of her pocket with a third, and proceeds to sew every tear closed perfectly. It then repacks the kit, puts it back in her pocket, and helps her back into the coat. It does all this without dropping a single needle. Now, Mad Maudlin McCrumb steps up to the bar, and places a set of bagpipes beside the octopus. “Let’s ‘ave a nice round of sea shanties, if’n ya’ please.” The octopus looks at the ‘pipes, picks up one arm and sets it back down. Picks up another arm and sets it back down. Picks up another arm… The pirate looks at it and says “Well? Ain’t ye goin’ ta’ play it?” “Play it?” the octopus replies. “If I can get its pajamas off, I’m goin’ ta f*** it!”

As fer me, I don't know a jib boom from a boom box, but I hope ta learn. This seems like th' right crew ta pay attention ta. Me gran'pappy was crew on the USS North Carolina, signalman and gunner, so I know sailin' is me blood somewheres. Avast, growin' up in the NC mountains doesn't avail many opportunities for hittin' the seas. On the other hand...er...hook...I paddle a mean canoe!

Aye, the lad will certainly 'ave a fine time wi' all th' swag. Please add me name t' th' list o' well-wishers!

Yer welcome, lass. 'Tis a fine thing ta meet a wench whose wit is as sharp as 'er cutlass, and 'er 'umor as black as me 'eart. I be likin' the new avatarrrr! A pirate named Cap'n John Nair Rushed to a milkmaid fair He was quite excited For he'd been invited To come feel her dairy air

I thank ye, lasses. I'll see if I can squeeze a couple more verses outta th' ol' melon. 'Course, rum would help...after all, rum's ta blame fer it in the first place.

Avast, Lucky Penny! I'm sure ye'll be excited ta' know that Jason Isaacs, ol' Lucius Malfoy hisself'll be playin the part o' Hook in th' new Peter Pan. :)

I am interested in comparisons between various types of wooden ships, and a good glossary of the various pieces and parts that comprise them (preferably with lots of pics/diagrams). Anyone have any good links/titles? Thanks.

You guys are awesome! I wish I had seen this early enough to contribute. Barkeep! Tap all the barrels for this generous crew of softhearted blackguards! Run 'em dry! We be partyin' like it's 1699 tonight!

Black Pearl's International House o' Grog and Snowcone Emporium It has a ring to it, don'cha think? Arrr!

Avast, me beauty! A finer group of rogues and wenches you'll never meet! They're quick ta welcome aboard new mates, as I found out meself, and as you've discovered to be sure. Buy 'em all a round. They LOVE that! Smooth sailin' lass!

Can you actually fit all of that on the spine of a jewel case? *makes mental note for next software release*

Where's my map? What map? If you tell me you don't know where it is, I'll nail your t*ts to the table. <thunk> Oh...that map. Bloody Brilliant!

Dark City The Crow Anything by Terry Gilliam Alien 1-4 (yes, even 3) BTW: Alien, the Director's Cut is being released on Hallowe'en this year. Limited play, though. Check your local listings. 13th Warrior Desperado American Werewolf in London Escape from New York/LA Evil Dead 1-3 Near Dark Thir13en Ghosts Tombstone Blazing Saddles Young Frankenstein Murder By Death and many, many others

Aarrr! That was beautiful.

And the old classic: Everyone together, now... I would rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

Here's one I wrote for a friend of mine to set to fiddle. He never did, though. You're welcome to if'n your talents lie in that direction. The storm will rage outside the pub, we’ll rage inside, ‘tis true And a droplet from the goblet claims the next round is on you And wine is fine and dandy if you want to sip a bit I’ll take draughts from tankards, and won’t remember shit The flame and smoke of grapeshot truly burns and stings the eye But pour a shot of grapes and we will raise our glasses high Rum and mead and a whiskey bead, all have cursed my head But the Devil Himself did curse me when I took Brandy to my bed A fine young lass full o’ salt and sass, I beckoned wi’ my flagon We shared the ales and made up tales to keep our tongues a-waggin’ I praised the fates that put her there, that night that I espied ‘er And prayed to Fortune, too, that I could soon be deep in cider *winces* We rose up shaky from the grog we drank there at the table And made our way upstairs just as soon as we were able The pounding of the surf outside did echo in our ear I took her there upon the stair behind a cask of beer She was a lusty wench I found with ample treasure chest She raised my mast and scaled it fast, and you can guess the rest The mornin’ came without the rain, a shaft of sunlight hit me I staggered to the bar to get the hair o’ the dog that bit me I ambled down upon the docks and there beheld my slip The poxy whore arose before and made off with my ship The storms still rage outside the pub, I rage inside, ‘tis true I watch the door with sharpened sword, and wait, Brandy, for you

Since I'm in the Technical Support racket, what better avatar than a Software Pirate?

Nothing Pirate-related, but it is a kickin fantasy series. Storm of Swords, the third in George R. R. Martin's Song of Ice and Fire epic.