Rummy3 Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 The Poker Game~ Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses £500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "OK, me boys, someone's got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?" They draw straws. Sean Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me." Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost £500 and is afraid to come home" "Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife. "I'll go tell him." says Gallagher. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeadcrowIsland Posted January 31, 2006 Share Posted January 31, 2006 As they say when buying suppositories; with friends like these, who needs enemas? "A Merry Life To Savage Men Who Stand by Freedom's Right, Fuiling Rum To Arm Our Drive And Raid This Ship In Sight. YARRR!" -"Voyage" by Verbal Deception Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cap'n Pete Straw Posted January 31, 2006 Share Posted January 31, 2006 My wife made this up in the car on the way home, and was so proud to rush home and tell me, hoping that no one posted this one before (someone HAS probably already thought of this)... Where do pirates get their coffee? At Ahhrrr-Bucks! "He's a Pirate dancer, He dances for money, Any old dollar will do... "He's a pirate dancer, His dances are funny... 'Cuz he's only got one shoe! Ahhrrr!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barbados Sam Posted January 31, 2006 Share Posted January 31, 2006 Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton. One smart ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories. His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report: Titanic: $29.99 Clinton: $29.99 Titanic: Over 3 hours to read Clinton: Over 3 hours to read Titanic: The story of Jack & Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Titanic: Jack is a starving artist. Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist. Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar. Clinton: Ditto for Bill. Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. Clinton: Ditto for Monica. Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit. Clinton: Let's not go there. Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry. Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts. Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life. Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack....... Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen. Clinton: Monica.....ooh, let's not go there, either. Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death. Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary......basically the same thing. "There be the chest, inside be the gold, we took them all. Spent them and traded them. We frittered them away on drink and food and pleasurable company. The more we gave them away, the more we came to realize... the drink would not satisfy, food turned to ash in our mouths, and all the pleasurable company in the world could not slake our lust. We are cursed men....Compelled by greed we were, and now we are consumed by it." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barbados Sam Posted January 31, 2006 Share Posted January 31, 2006 An Indiana farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called -- and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found: 1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar. 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called. 4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground. 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning. "There be the chest, inside be the gold, we took them all. Spent them and traded them. We frittered them away on drink and food and pleasurable company. The more we gave them away, the more we came to realize... the drink would not satisfy, food turned to ash in our mouths, and all the pleasurable company in the world could not slake our lust. We are cursed men....Compelled by greed we were, and now we are consumed by it." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Santana de la Vega Posted January 31, 2006 Author Share Posted January 31, 2006 Clinton, Bush and Gore are all captured in the saudi by unknown rebel forces they are about to be shot by firing squad Clinton addresses his comrads and says do what I do if you want to get away and he starts yelling earthquake earthquake and as the rebel firing squad starts to look all around Clinton jumps the wall and makes a hasty escape. Gore starts yelling Flood flood look at the wall of water and the rebel firing squad turns around to look and wwhooosh Gore is gone over the wall. Bush standing there alone is shaking in his shoes and the rebel firing squad is raising their rifles and looking through the sites at him and so bush jumps out and yells fire fire........... Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a knife in your back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greenighs Posted January 31, 2006 Share Posted January 31, 2006 A buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says, "Make me one with everything." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Santana de la Vega Posted February 1, 2006 Author Share Posted February 1, 2006 my joke lasted nine minutes! I tells ye, If I didn't have bad bad luck I wouldn't have no luck at all! Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a knife in your back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greenighs Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 What do you call a man with no arms and legs in a pile of leaves? Russell. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Santana de la Vega Posted February 1, 2006 Author Share Posted February 1, 2006 Clinton, Bush and Gore are all captured in the saudi by unknown rebel forces they are about to be shot by firing squadClinton addresses his comrads and says do what I do if you want to get away and he starts yelling earthquake earthquake and as the rebel firing squad starts to look all around Clinton jumps the wall and makes a hasty escape. Gore starts yelling Flood flood look at the wall of water and the rebel firing squad turns around to look and wwhooosh Gore is gone over the wall. Bush standing there alone is shaking in his shoes and the rebel firing squad is raising their rifles and looking through the sites at him and so bush jumps out and yells fire fire........... and the speech was? Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a knife in your back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rummy3 Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 A WENCH'S POEM I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong One who loves to listen all day long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I want him to be gainfully employed, And when I spend his cash, not be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind, and knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?" I want this man to love me to no end, And forever be my very best friend. A PYRATE'S POEM I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a boat. I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh*t. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barbados Sam Posted February 4, 2006 Share Posted February 4, 2006 A few bits o' advice from yer uncle Barbados Sam...... 1. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 2. Borrow money from a pesimist. They don't expect it back. 3. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once. 4. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. 5. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian. 6. Never answer an anonymous letter. 7. It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better. 8. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. 9. Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours. 10. Few women admit their age. Few men act it. "There be the chest, inside be the gold, we took them all. Spent them and traded them. We frittered them away on drink and food and pleasurable company. The more we gave them away, the more we came to realize... the drink would not satisfy, food turned to ash in our mouths, and all the pleasurable company in the world could not slake our lust. We are cursed men....Compelled by greed we were, and now we are consumed by it." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greenighs Posted February 4, 2006 Share Posted February 4, 2006 A few bits o' advice from yer uncle Barbados Sam......... 3. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barbados Sam Posted February 4, 2006 Share Posted February 4, 2006 More advice from yer Uncle Barbados: 11. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat and why do they taste so damn good? 12. No one is listening until you make a mistake. 13. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. 14. We have enough youth. How about a Fountain of Smart? 15. He who laughs last thinks slowest. 16. Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes. 17. Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else. 18. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 19. There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't. 20. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? "There be the chest, inside be the gold, we took them all. Spent them and traded them. We frittered them away on drink and food and pleasurable company. The more we gave them away, the more we came to realize... the drink would not satisfy, food turned to ash in our mouths, and all the pleasurable company in the world could not slake our lust. We are cursed men....Compelled by greed we were, and now we are consumed by it." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barbados Sam Posted February 5, 2006 Share Posted February 5, 2006 Seems yer Uncle Barbados is chock full o' wisdom.... 21. Nuke the whales. 22. I started out with nothing and still have most of it. 23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 24. Out of my mind....back in 5 minutes. 25. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 26. As long as there are finals, there will be prayer in the public schools. 27. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. 28. Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Most of the time I let her sleep. 29. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it. 30. You can't have everything. Where would you put it? "There be the chest, inside be the gold, we took them all. Spent them and traded them. We frittered them away on drink and food and pleasurable company. The more we gave them away, the more we came to realize... the drink would not satisfy, food turned to ash in our mouths, and all the pleasurable company in the world could not slake our lust. We are cursed men....Compelled by greed we were, and now we are consumed by it." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patrick Hand Posted February 5, 2006 Share Posted February 5, 2006 31. I realy miss my Ex........ but my aim is improving Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merrydeath Posted February 6, 2006 Share Posted February 6, 2006 http://www.dorks.com/html/Superbowl-Commer...-Bud-Light.html was just thinkin about the joke of the lad's turn in the barrel... and you thought you had a BAD day.. sorry about the weird link.. try this one.. called BAD CAPTAIN http://www.funmansion.com/html/Bad-Captain...quot;>Random Pictures > Bad Captain Pirate Lass with sass, brass, a cutlass, an a nice *ss. Capt of the FOOLS GOLD PIRATES BLAST BREAST CANCER! GET A MAMMOGRAM AND SAVE YOUR TREASURED CHEST: http://www.myspace.c...iratesthinkpink http://www.myspace.c...oolsgoldpirates CAPT OF THE ONLY PYRITE SHIP AFLOAT: THE FOOL'S GOLD- look for us and Captain Merrydeath on facebook! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merrydeath Posted February 6, 2006 Share Posted February 6, 2006 and just in case you are bored and have a weekend free... you can help shovel.. http://www.funmansion.com/html/Snowed-In.h....html"> Random Pictures > Snowed In Pirate Lass with sass, brass, a cutlass, an a nice *ss. Capt of the FOOLS GOLD PIRATES BLAST BREAST CANCER! GET A MAMMOGRAM AND SAVE YOUR TREASURED CHEST: http://www.myspace.c...iratesthinkpink http://www.myspace.c...oolsgoldpirates CAPT OF THE ONLY PYRITE SHIP AFLOAT: THE FOOL'S GOLD- look for us and Captain Merrydeath on facebook! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rummy3 Posted February 8, 2006 Share Posted February 8, 2006 Catholic Logic - or is it Irish? An Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest. "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I almost had an affair with another woman." "What do you mean, almost?" "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over. "I saw that Paddy. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christine Posted February 8, 2006 Share Posted February 8, 2006 The bird flu is a big topic these days; and a pretty scary one. Seek medical help if you have any of these symptoms! The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately: 1. High fever 2. Congestion 3. Nausea 4. Fatigue 5. Aching in the joints 6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christine Posted February 8, 2006 Share Posted February 8, 2006 Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself. Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?" Maxine: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs." Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?" Maxine: "No, they open!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dasNdanger Posted February 8, 2006 Share Posted February 8, 2006 Why do cavemen drag their women by the hair? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . When they drag 'em by the feet, they fill up with dirt. das http://www.ajmeerwald.org/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barbados Sam Posted February 9, 2006 Share Posted February 9, 2006 Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself.Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?" Maxine: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs." Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?" Maxine: "No, they open!" I'll drink ta' that "There be the chest, inside be the gold, we took them all. Spent them and traded them. We frittered them away on drink and food and pleasurable company. The more we gave them away, the more we came to realize... the drink would not satisfy, food turned to ash in our mouths, and all the pleasurable company in the world could not slake our lust. We are cursed men....Compelled by greed we were, and now we are consumed by it." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rummy3 Posted February 9, 2006 Share Posted February 9, 2006 ...I'm afraid I already have! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Bob Posted February 10, 2006 Share Posted February 10, 2006 A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign which reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...." "Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door." He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway." He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign: GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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