jokes

[Christine]

LESSON TO BE LEARNED FROM TYPING THE WRONG EMAIL ADDRESS:

A MINNEAPOLIS COUPLE DECIDED TO GO TO FLORIDA TO THAW OUT DURING A PARTICULARLY ICY WINTER.

THEY PLANNED TO STAY AT THE SAME HOTEL WHERE THEY SPENT THEIR

HONEYMOON 20 YEARS EARLIER . BECAUSE OF HECTIC SCHEDULES, IT WAS DIFFICULT TO COORDINATE THEIR TRAVEL SCHEDULES.

SO, THE HUSBAND LEFT MINNESOTA AND FLEW TO FLORIDA ON THURSDAY, WITH HIS WIFE FLYING DOWN THE FOLLOWING DAY. THE HUSBAND CHECKED INTO THE HOTEL. THERE WAS A COMPUTER IN HIS ROOM, SO HE DECIDED TO SEND AN EMAIL TO HIS WIFE. HOWEVER, HE ACCIDENTALLY LEFT OUT ONE LETTER IN HER EMAIL ADDRESS,

AND WITHOUT REALIZING HIS ERROR, SENT THE EMAIL.

MEANWHILE, SOMEWHERE IN HOUSTON, A WIDOW HAD JUST RETURNED HOME FROM HER HUSBAND'S FUNERAL. HE WAS A MINISTER WHO WAS CALLED HOME TO GLORY FOLLOWING A HEART ATTACK. THE WIDOW DECIDED TO CHECK HER EMAIL EXPECTING MESSAGES FROM RELATIVES AND FRIENDS.

AFTER READING THE FIRST MESSAGE, SHE SCREAMED AND FAINTED. THE

WIDOW'S SON RUSHED INTO THE ROOM, FOUND HIS MOTHER ON THE FLOOR, AND SAW THE COMPUTER SCREEN WHICH READ:

TO: MY LOVING WIFE

SUBJECT: I'VE ARRIVED

DATE: DECEMBER 16, 2005

I KNOW YOU'RE SURPRISED TO HEAR FROM ME.

THEY HAVE COMPUTERS HERE NOW AND YOU ARE

ALLOWED TO SEND EMAILS TO YOUR LOVED ONES.

I'VE JUST ARRIVED AND HAVE BEEN CHECKED IN.

I SEE THAT EVERYTHING HAS BEEN PREPARED FOR YOUR

ARRIVAL TOMORROW. LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING YOU THEN.

HOPE YOUR JOURNEY IS AS UNEVENTFUL AS MINE WAS.

PS SURE IS FREAKING HOT DOWN HERE!!!!!

[Christine]

Subject: Getting Even

One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat."

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my husband "El-Cheap-O," my husband calls him El-Take-O." They love to hate each other and constantly "snipe" at each other, with my husband getting in the last word on this occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see him. A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's pussy is finally clean and shaved and she now smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God knows who the father is!" And he closed the door.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even.

[The Doctor]

For all you "Red Green" fans out there, here's a bit I found in a dusty corner of the Internet. Enjoy!

The Seven Stages of Parking

Stage One - You're a kid. All you have to park is your butt.

Stage Two - You're a teenager and you park with a girl who has a good chance of being your future wife.

Stage Three - You're married with kids and are parking a mini-van at McDonald's.

Stage Four - The kids are grown and working at McDonald's, you've got a sports car and are caught parking with a girl who has no chance of being your future wife.

Stage Five - You're parking in the garage for a while, where you're also living.

Stage Six - You're old, no car no license no parking spot.

Stage Seven - You're parked. Permanently. In your own space. Even has your name over it.

[cap'n no-beard]

What's blue and doesn't fit anymore????

A dead epileptic

[Barbados Sam]

[Barbados Sam]

More pearls o' wisdom from BS....

41. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

42. Dyslexics of the world, untie!

43. God made mankind. Sin made him evil.

44. I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.

45. I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.

46. Don't steal. the government hates competition.

47. Humpty Dumpty was pushed.

48. Never fly on a plane. It's safer inside the plane.

49. All generalizations are false.

50. The more people I meet, the more I love my dog.

[Barbados Sam]

If you remember the original Hollywood Squares and it's comics, this will

bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo magazine, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's

married?

A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hand

while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I will give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.

One is politics. What is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose

do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!"

What does this mean?

A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,

what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh

[Silkie McDonough]

OMG! ROTFLMAO! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

[Christine]

What did you give Mom?

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge! I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!" "Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

[Rummy3]

WooHoo - I have missed these - WTG Barbados Sam and Christine! I love to laugh~

OK - here's one from my Irish group:

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City,

where

a

woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the

entrance is

a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the

attributes

of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular

floor,

or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except

to

exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good

looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking

and

help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: .

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help

with

the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign

reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on

this

floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to

please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

A New Wives store opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

[Rumba Rue]

LMAF!

[cap'n no-beard]

why did the pervert cross the road???

because his dick was stuck in the chicken

[tishsparrow]

this is just too funny, so I'll put it here... Its from a convention, I found it while looking for ideas...

[Merrydeath]

Things to Remember During a War

1. The only things more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire.

2. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

3. Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at.

4. No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat.

5. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection.

6. Remember: your aircraft was made by the lowest bidder.

7. Never draw fire, it will irritate the rest of your formation.

8. Never share a cockpit with someone braver than you.

9. You are not Tom Cruise.

10. SAMs and AAA have the right-of-way.

11. If you aren't sure, the SAMs are pointed at you.

12. If hit, landing near the people that just shot you down is not a good idea.

13. Close only counts in horseshoes, nukes and proximity-fused missiles.

14. Smart bombs have bad days too.

15. The best defense is to stay out of range.

16. If you are short on everything but enemy, you are in combat.

I'm not sure if these are exactly jokes, but they do make ya think.

[Rummy3]

Subject: Shopping at Wal-Mart

> >

> >

> > A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's

> birthday.

> > She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes

> > over to the counter.

> >

> > A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says,

> > "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?

> >

> > He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the

> counter, I

> > can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it

> makes".

> >

> > She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

> >

> > He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404

> reel

> > and 10-lb test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on

> sale this

> > week for only $20.00."

> >

> > She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound

> of

> it

> > dropping on the counter I'll take it!"

> >

> > As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

> >

> > "Oh that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

> >

> > She bends down to pick it up and accidentally lets out a thundering

> fart.At

> > first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way

> the

> blind

> > clerk could tell it was she who farted.

> >

> > The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

> >

> > The woman is totally confused by this and asks,"Didn't you tell me it

> was on

> > sale for $20.00?

> > How did you get $34.50?"

> >

> > He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck

> Call

> is

> $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.

[Rumba Rue]

oh gawd, that's hysterical! Keep 'em coming!

[Barbados Sam]

More....

51. Work is for people that don't know how to fish.

52. If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own.

53. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

54. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

55. I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?

56. I used to think I was indecisive, now I'm not sure.

57. I can handle pain until it hurts.

58. No matter where you go, you're there.

59. If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.

60. It's been Monday all week.

[Biker]

The end is near

Comments by patients during Colonoscopies

Colonoscopies are no joke , but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of all...

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up here?!

[Barbados Sam]

[Barbados Sam]

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts;

they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and

solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard

someone coming? That was me."

[Barbados Sam]

CHINESE WEDDING NIGHT

A Chinese couple get married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is

not too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring.

"My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firss time and you berry frighten.

I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting

you want. Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for

her request.

She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I wan try somethin I have

heard about . Numbaa 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries...

"You want...Beef wiff Broccori?"

[Christine]

Restroom Conversation:

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:

"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't

know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,

"Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:

"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.

"Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them,

"No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously...

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"

[Christine]

Roses:

This woman and her husband have this really bad fight. He goes off to work the next day without talking to her, but she doesn't care.

She's busy doing her thing around the house. All of the sudden, around 1:00 in the afternoon, the doorbell rings. She goes to the door and opens it and there is a young delivery guy from the local florist shop with an enormous, beautiful bouquet of long-stemmed red roses...the expensive ones...from her husband.

She says to the delivery guy with disgust, "Oh CRAP!"

The delivery guy says, "What's a matter lady? You don't like roses?"

She replies, "Yeah, I like roses, but do you know what this means?"

He says, "No, Lady, what does this mean?"

She answers, "It means for the next two weeks I'll be laying on my back with my legs in the air."

He replies, "Geez, Lady, don't you have a vase?"

[Christine]

And this is why I'll never get married!

A couple had only been married for two weeks, the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the

bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the

Refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12

Different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could

think of Saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know...

they have frozen Glasses... "

He di dn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him

by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer

mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just

holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the

bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't

be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in

blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty

words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"

and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

[Patrick Hand]

Subject: what do retired people do all day

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into ashop.I was only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So I called him a s---head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.