jokes

[Shipwreck John]

A very handsome and even more confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and can't help but ask, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The woman is intrigued and asks, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

The man taps on the face of the watch and explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

[Shipwreck John]

Blonde in a Circle

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a large truck. The driver was outraged and was eventually able to make her pull over. He got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde in his most threatening voice, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.

When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!"

He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.

When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.

Now he's getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.

Now she's laughing.

The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets an extra can of diesel fuel, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.

He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.

She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"

[Barbados Sam]

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

***********************************************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

[Christine]

Well, gee, I guess I'm more like a male then-lol!

[Diego Santana de la Vega]

say! do you know why elephants paint their toe nails red?

so they can hide in strawberry plants!

it works you know!

Oh yeh! have you ever seen an elephant in a strawberry plant?

[tishsparrow]

i did. long story.

[Rummy3]

(Did I mention that I used to work in a bakery? )

...RAISIN BREAD

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear

very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and

glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length

of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he

has a brilliant idea."I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says

politely.

The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin

bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing

almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as

he surmised he would.

Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get

two loaves, as he is having company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the

other male customers notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he

requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the

view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the

eye of another male customer.

Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread,

just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips she is tired,

irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread

herself.

Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes,

glaring at the men standing below She notices an elderly man

standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her.

Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man,

"Is it raisin for you, too?"

"No," stammers the old man, "but it's a quiverin'."

[Barbados Sam]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and when he shares his , She listens.

After paying for everything, she as! ks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap . and stay for breakfast.

They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed!! Everything has been SO incredible!!!!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies........."

"You just happened to catch my eye."

[Biker]

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline..."

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the

line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you

which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,no

one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a

representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number,

date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y &

c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or

before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory

loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have

short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to

talk to you."

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You

won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

[Rummy3]

Good One Biker! OK - how about this:

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches there than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from so many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks.

Didn't see it comin' did ya?!?!

[tishsparrow]

oh, wait. i get it now.

[Biker]

*An old man happen to come in contact with a very attractive young lady

one day, and thought to himself," Boy, if only I could make love to a

young lady like that again, but I know that I don't appeal to her."

This is what followed as they approached each other.*

*The man said, "I want to have SEX with you right now! I'll drop 500

dollars on the ground at your feet, and in the time it takes for you to

pick it up, I will have sex with you from behind and be on my way!* *The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She

called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's

proposition.*

*Her girlfriend said "When he drops the $500 on the ground, I'm sure you

can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and

tell me what happened."

* *An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back.* *"What happened?" the girlfriend asked.*

*The lady said, "That S-O-B had $500 in quarters!"*

[Rummy3]

Excellent! - now try this one:

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

"I'd like to be six again," she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster... everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling, and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, Dear, what was it like being six again??"

Her eyes slowly opened, and her _expression suddenly changed.

"I meant my Dress Size, you dumb ass!!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.

[Patrick Hand]

Dang.... I couldn't find the funny button thread..... but I did find a site with some funny bumper stickers quotes.....

http://www.lotsofjokes.com/cat_31.htm

[Biker]

A new monk joins an order know for the perfect translation of earlier texts of the bible into modern language... one day after a long day of work he ask the monk in charge, "has anyone ever made a mistake?"

The monk in charge responds "NO! We have never made a mistake!'

"Never?" asks the new monk "really?"

"let me prove it to you," Replies the older monk and down into the archives they go picking up random ancient manuscripts and comparing them to the translations and never a single mistake... this goes on for an hour until at last amongst the oldest manuscripts the older monk suddenly falls to his knees crying and clutching an ancient script, the younger monk, concerned for his master rushes to his side asking "what is wrong?" The older monk looks up with tears in his eyes, holds up the parchment in his shaking ands and whispers... it says CELEBRATE...not Celibate!!!!

[Dread Mach Brannigan]

Riddle: Why can't lesbians who wear make-up go on a diet?

Hmmmmm...

are ye thinkin?

Answer: Cause they can't eat Jenny Craig while Mary Kay's on their face.

[Christine]

Oh, geez-lol!

[BLACK JACK SHALAQ]

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital

when during her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was

masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!!" screamed the woman, "That's disgraceful!!! Why is

he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained,

"I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a

serious condition where his testicles

rapidly fill with semen, and

if he doesn't do that at least 5 times a day, he'll be in extreme pain

and his testicles could easily rupture".

Oh well, in that case, I guess it's ok." commented the woman.

In the very next room, a male patient was lying in bed and it

was obvious that a nurse was performing oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD!! How can THAT be

justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly, Same illness, better health plan.

[lady renee]

some puns:

an elephant was waiting at the airport for his trunk.

i bought a smoking jacket at a fire sale.

what you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?

a flat minor.

[Red-Handed Jill]

An adult toys store was having a sale on dildoes. The manager had to step out to run a couple of errands, so she left the cashier in charge.

A few minutes later, a brunette walked into the store and said, "I saw from your sign that you're having a sale on dildoes. How much?" The cashier replied, "Ten bucks each - every color." The brunette said, "I'll take a blue one. That's my favorite color." She paid for it and left.

Then a redhead entered the store and asked about the sale. The cashier replied with the price and the redhead said, "Of course, it has to be red!" She paid for the dildo and left.

A blonde entered the store and said, "A sale on dildoes? How much" The cashier replied, "Ten bucks. We've got all kinds of colors: red, blue, purple, green..."

"How much for the plaid one?" the blonde asked. "Uh, that one is fifty bucks." replied the cashier. "It must be really special then," said the blonde, "I'll take it." She paid the fifty bucks and left.

The manager got back to the store and asked the cashier how the morning went. The cashier reported, "I sold a blue one and a red one for ten bucks each and your thermos for fifty!"

[Red-Handed Jill]

A group of people fed up with the way the Pope was running the Catholic church held a thousand people hostage and sent a note to the Vatican.

"We are tired of the Papacy Infallibility Clause. We know you are as human as the next person and it's time for the world to realise this as well. You must deflower a young maiden and allow it to be filmed as proof of this. If you don't, the consequences to our hostages will be considerable."

The pope gathered his staff together to decide what to do. After debating, the pope bowed to the inevitable and decided that it was best to concede to their demands rather than let a thousand hostages be harmed.

"I have three requests." the pope said, "First, she must be blindfolded, so she doesn't see what is happening to her and be traumatized by the sight."

"It will be done." said his staff.

"Second, she must be fitted with earplugs, so she can't hear what is happening to her."

"It will be done." said his staff.

"And third, she has to have big tits..."

[Biker]

December 1st

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place

on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked

eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols ... feel free to sing along.

And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light

the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time;

however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty Lewis - Human Resources Director

December 2nd

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.

We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with

Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're

calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are

celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no

Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty Lewis - Human Resources Director

December 3rd

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous

requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but,

don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous

anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the

union members feel that $10 is too much money.

Patty Lewis - Human Researchers Director

December 7th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet

and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other.

Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will

be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now?

Patty Lewis - Human Racehorses DirectorDecember 9th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

People, people-nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus!

Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation

to our own "little man in a red suit."

Patty Lewis - Human Ratraces

December 10th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Vegetarians-I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit

whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death,"

as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know,

tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream.

I'm hearing them right now. Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?

The Bitch from Hell!

December 14th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness.

I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanatorium. In the meantime, management has decided

to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Terri Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director

[Caraccioli]

An attractive freshman student lingered in the classroom after all the final exams had been handed in.

The professor looked at her and asked, "Were you waiting to see me?"

"Yes," she answered, "I'm really worried about my grade and I would just do anything to make sure I pass."

"Really?" the professor replied incredulously. "Anything?"

"Oh yes," the student assured him, smiling demurely, "I really would. Just name it."

"Okay." The professor leaned close and asked in a confidential whisper, "Would you study?"

[Barbados Sam]

Here's a fun little Christmas song fer ye...

http://www.toonedin.com/movies/WhiteTrashXmas.html

[Skull pyrate Carter]

This one is for Lady Renee and all you other "Pun"dits.

True story, but I thought it was funny afterward.

I was talking to a co-worker and was telling her how I had found a website to help increase your memory in 14 days,

However I forgot where I saw it.

anyways, the stupid humour doesn't end there. Here's my all-time favorite joke, and I've remembered it since third grade.

Q. What do you get when you mix a joke book & a motorcycle?

A. A Yam-a-Ha-Ha-Ha!!