Pirate Jokes & Evil Humour

[super_intelligent_shade_of_azure]

well..Azure,

you sound like LOTS of fun!!!

all except the poison fingernails

I am sure we would have a grand wrestle ifn ever we were to meet,as I too have had my share of martial arts over the years.

:)

I hate being tickled.

so.....do you like to wrestle in mud?

MUD?!? What sort of person wrestles in /mud/? There are far better things to wrestle in! Including, but not limited to blood... ect. ect.

What can I say? I'm violent

[the Royaliste]

Click roll tape! :)

[Darkmalkin]

Well, once upon a time, far far away, there wuz an elderly pyrate, sittin' in the retired pyrates park, feedin' the pidgeons. (don't ask with what. that's another, and more gruesome story.) Anyhow, this elderly pyrate is sittin there, with pidgeons roostin' on his peg leg an' all, when up walks this kid.

And the kid is all in black leather, and he has one o' them newfangled spike hairdos, big long spikes stickin' straight up all over like Godzilla, and in all the colors of the rainbow. And the ole pyrate squints his eye (the one what ain't covered by the patch, o'course) and gives this kid a long careful appraisal.

And the kid has a boombox on his shoulder, and the multicolored spikes of his hair are bobbin' to the music, and he sits down on the park bench in the Retired Pyrate's Park next to the elderly retired pyrate. And he's rockin' out, groovin to the music, and the elderly pyrate continues to stare at him from 'is single watery blue eye.

And the kid feels like he's bein' stared at, but, being used to that, at first he ignores it. But the retired ol' pyrate continues to give him an appraising stare...

And the kid finally says, "something wrong, ole man? Aintcha ever seen nothing like me?"

And the pyrate responds, "No, quite the contrary. Ye see, I did a parrot once when I was feelin' desperate in Port Royal. And I was wonderin' if ye were me kid."

[the Royaliste]

R R R R R

[the Royaliste]

R R R R R

[Stynky Tudor]

Arr, it looks like I'll be making another Captain Weaver special.

[Capt. Westyn Elizabeth Roberts]

Okay...here's a joke. Not really a pirate joke, but you can change it to suit your needs.

There were these two blondes (pirates?) that were at a pub one night. Each one thought the other one was supposed to be the designated driver, so they each got hammered. When the pub closed, they couldn't even find their car (carriage?), much less drive it.

So, they started walking. It got so dark that they couldn't tell which way they were going. Soon, they knew they were off the beaten path, because they could feel grass underneath their feet.

Finally, the blonde in the lead turns around and looks for the other one. She's not there. Soon, the first blonde finds a book of matches from the pub. She strikes one and realizes that she is in a cow pasture. She frantically looks around for her friend. When she finds her, she is lying underneath a cow, sucking on its udders.

Thinking her friend had gone quite crazy, the first blonde said, "What are you doing?! We're lost! We're drunk! We need to find a way out!"

Just then, the second blonde looks up from underneath the cow and says, quite plainly, "I know, and if you'll shut up for a while and let me finish, maybe one of these four guys will give us a ride home!"

Capt. WE Roberts

[Rumba Rue]

Whoooooeeeeeeeee, laughing my ass off!

RumbaRue

**Sweet, loveable, deadly, pick one**

[the Royaliste]

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

[MadMaryFlint]

I think I'll just watch or run the cameras or something..

or serve drinks!

[Capt. Flint]

Not a joke, but, a true story...... Two men were treated for minor injories and then issued citations for reckless driving and a few other things too. What happened was simple. A couple of guys were out celebrating one of the fellows birthday. As they were driving home, they lost control of the car and wrecked. Needless to say they were drunk. When the officer arrived on the scene and got statements, he became so confused, he radioed for his superior to come and help. The guy driving the BMW that he wrecked was blind. He always wanted to drive and so as a birthday gift, his buddy let him drive his car, while he shouted out the navigation to him. The actual owner of the car said in his statement, "he was driving pretty good until he hit that tree."...... I thought it wa funny anyhow......... The Capt.

[captweaver65]

[MUD?!? What sort of person wrestles in /mud/? There are far better things to wrestle in! Including, but not limited to blood... ect. ect.

What can I say? I'm violent

mmmm...blood wrestling

sounds lovely

[captweaver65]

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times sake. He finds a little prostitute and goes up into the room with her, draping his sailor suit across the bed.

He's goin' at it as best he can for a guy his age and asks, "How am I doin'?" The prostitute says, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"What's that?", he asks.

She says,"You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back."

thanx Stynky for the cute new piratey angel

[Stynky Tudor]

Arr, just figured that I would make it less girlie and more pirate-grrl.

I think I'm done with it now.

[captweaver65]

a pirate went to a bar and proceeded to get veeeery drunk. He fell off his stool and when he managed to drag himself to a standing position, the bartender told him he couldn't have any more to drink. He then fell down again and couldn't bring himself up again. He decided to crawl outside. Once outside he managed to grab the wall of the building and drag himself to a standing position, only to fall down again. He said to himself: "The heck with it , I'll just crawl home, which he did. He got home and crawled into bed. In the morning his wife woke him up and said, " You went to the bar last night, didn't you?" He answered a weak yes. "And you got blind drunk, didn't you ?" Once again he weakly said, "Yes." "And you crawled all the way home, didn't you?" "Yes, but how did you know that?"

"You left your peg leg in the bar."

[Morgan La Scylla]

How do you get a Pirate into a bath?

Throw in a piece of eight into it...

How do you get him out again then?

Throw in a soap...

[Morgan La Scylla]

What is the difference between bouncing on a royal naval officer and bouncing on a trampoline?

You´ve got to take your boots of when bouncing on a trampoline...

[Morgan La Scylla]

It's not how big your chest are, it's how you shake your booty...

[Morgan La Scylla]

How do you save a spanish Governor from drowning?

Take your foot off his head...

[Morgan La Scylla]

The captain of a tanker saw a light dead ahead. He directed his signalman to flash a signal to the light which read.... "Change course 10 degrees South."

A reply was quickly flashed back..."You change course 10 degrees North."

The captain was somewhat annoyed and sent another message....."I am a captain. Change course 10 degrees South."

Back came the reply...."I am an able-seaman. Change course 10 degrees North.'"

By now the captain was outraged and flashed the message...."I am a 240,000 ton tanker. CHANGE course 10 degrees South!!

Back came the reply......."I am a LIGHTHOUSE. Change course 10 degrees North!!!!"

[Morgan La Scylla]

Five pirates and one woman wash up on a desert island after a shipwreck.

Before long they are all getting pretty horny so they all make a deal.

Each pirate will marry the woman for one week at a time, at which point the next pirate in line will marry her and so on.

All the pirates get sex every five weeks and the woman gets sex as often as she wants with a different pirate each week.

The situation works wonderfully for five years. When the woman suddenly dies...

The first week after wasn't too bad.

The second week was getting sort of bad.

The third week was getting pretty bad.

The fourth week was really bad.

The fifth week was horrible!

By the sixth week it was unbearable...

So they buried her.

[Morgan La Scylla]

Two pirates of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to board a dingy.

On the sixth day, half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating towards them in the water.

As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that is was an oil lamp (the kind that genies come in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. Out popped a tired old genie who said, "OK, so you freed me from this stupid lamp, yadda, yadda, yadda. But hey, I've been doing this three wishes stuff for a long time now and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You pirates get only ONE wish and then I'm OUTTA here. Make it a good one."

The first pirate, without hesitation or thought blurted out, "Arrgghh! I be wishin' for

all the rum we can drink for the rest of our lives I say!!!"

"Fine," said the genie, and turned the entire ocean into rum.

"Great move ya daft git!" said the second pirate, slapping the first pirate upside the

head.

"NOW we're gonna have to pee in the BOAT!"

[Morgan La Scylla]

A young pirate was marooned on a remote island. Although he had plenty of food and water, there was nothing for him to do except play with himself. After many years, even that became so monotonous that he couldn't even get an erection.

Now, completely without any happiness, he started to lose his sanity.

One morning, as he was lying on the beach, he thinks he sees a ship in the distance. He quickly starts a fire, then throws wet seaweed on top until smoke is billowing high in the air. The ship starts to come his way! He gets all excited and thinks, "Finally! I'm going to be saved! The first thing I want is to take a long, hot bath. Then they're going to give me some clothes and I'm going to have a nice dinner. I will find a wench and we can kiss and I can fondle her body. She'll start to take off her clothes and she'll be wearing red silk panties!"

At this, he starts to get an erection.

He slips his hand into his shorts, grabs his pecker, and yells, "Ha Ha Ha!! I lied about the ship!!

[Morgan La Scylla]

One day an old pirate gets on a sailboat.

Several minutes later a punk kid with red, green, and orange hair gets on.

The kid notices that the old pirate keeps staring at him.

The kid looks at him and says, "What you staring at old man, ain't you ever done anything wild in your time?"

The old pirate replies, "Yeah, I screwed a parrot once. I was just wondering if you were my kid?"

[Morgan La Scylla]

So there's this Pirate, marooned on his homestead with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor - I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the pirate who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then he gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a madam blush.

At that point, he is so mad that he throws the it into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very... very quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my very best to improve my vocabulary from now on. By the way, what did that chicken do?"