Pirate Jokes & Evil Humour

[captweaver65]

Well,down in the Pyracy Pub

For the blackest of souls,it's our club

Our passions we stoke

With the smell of gun smoke

And for many a fine place to rub.

CW

[Merrydeath]

several fine women are traveling aboard ship when a small cove is found. They decide to wait until all aboard are gone, then disrobe and enter the cove to swim and frolic.

As they skinny-dip in the surf, a sailor of old comes upon them. They scold the tar, saying they won't leave tim he does!

The old grizzled gob looks at the women in their birthday suits, and tells them..

" you ladies have no fear of me! I am just here to feed shark tank!"

[captweaver65]

There once was a lady from France

Who took a long ship ride by chance.

The captain he fucked her

A great sex instructor

while the bosun's mate came in his pants.

[captweaver65]

there was an old sailor named Dale,

Whose dick was as big as a whale

Though he fell off his boat

His dick made him float,

And blew him around like a sail.

[Cap'n Coyote]

In Darjeeling, a pub wench named Taft,

Claimed, "It's great to be best at yer craft,

For while aiming to please,

I serves beers on me knees,

So each sailor gets head with his draft."

[captweaver65]

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

My kinda pub

[captweaver65]

One day a tired sailor goes into a bar and orders a beer. While he's enjoying his drink, he notices a little old man with a peg-leg and a head the size of a fist. Curious, he ask the man, "How in the world did your head get to me so damn Tiny?"

The old sailor replies "I used to be a pirate, and I gots drunk and insulted the Captain. I was marrooned on a deserted island.I lived there for about three years. One day a beautiful mermaid came up on shore. she gave me three wishes. For the first wish, I asked to be back in civilization, for the second i wished for 25 million dollars. For the third wish i told her that i wanted to have sex with a mermaid. She told me 'sorry, but this mermaid dont have the right equipment to have sex. So i said "how about a little head then?"

[the Royaliste]

Ah, Weaver, made me mornin'!.. Rollinonthefuggindecklaffinmefrigginarseoff!

[captweaver65]

always glad to serve me Captain superior

:)

[captweaver65]

There was a pirate wench of Brighton,

Whom nothing could possibly frighten.

She plunged in the sea

And with infinite glee,

Was fucked in the ass by a Triton.

[the Royaliste]

Aw Shit!..Gotta stop readin' these early in the mornin'!

[Thomas B.]

Long John

Long John was delighted when he found a young maiden who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him.

In fact, he couldn`t bring himself to tell his fiancee` about his leg.

All he kept saying was, "Arrrgghh, I`ve got a big surprise for you I say!"

The wedding night came and went, and the couple were at last alone on the ship.

"Now don`t forget, Long John, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride.

Unable to mutter a word, Long John turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife`s hand on the stump.

"Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise, pass me the Vaseline

and I`ll see what I can do!"

The lubber that came up with that one should be flogged twice and made to scrub the cabin boy.

[Dorian Lasseter]

"How about a litle head" Eh?

Bloody Hell Weaver!!!! I second Cap'n Gary ROTDLMFHO!!!!

I haven't had tyme ta peruse this strand in awhile... Oh hell!

me stomache is startin' ta hurt from laughin'!

[Cap'n Coyote]

A woman finds an old bottle on the beach and starts to polish it. A genie appears and says he will grant her three wishes. "But since you are married," he says, "your husband will get 10 times what you ask for."

"That's fine", she says. "First, I want more money than I could ever spend in my lifetime."

"Remember, your husband will get 10 times as much."

"That's okay, since I will have my own money."

POOF! The genie hands her a receipt for her checking account, and there are many many zeros on it. "It's all computerized nowadays," he explains.

"Next, I want to be the most beautiful woman in the world."

"Remember, your husband will be the most handsome, and will have the eye of every lady."

"He will only have eyes for me, as I will outshine them all."

POOF! The genie hands her a mirror, and she is stunning.

"And for your final wish, mistress?"

"I'd like to have a mild heart-attack."

[Mr.Bubbles]

Arr that be a fine joke, I'll hafta be telling my ship mates that'n.

Here's another genie joke...

So there's 3 british "capt'ns" stuck on a island, they find a old jamp and out pops a genie, he says "I'll grant each of you 1 wish" so the first wishes that he was back on shore, the second also wishes to be back on shore, and the third says "I want my friends back"

[captweaver65]

been busy with work and not checkin in here much...

thanx fer the praise n groans. don't think I can't all hear you all groanin out there.

:)

Thomas B, I'd be more n happy ta scrub the cabin boy,n flog him n lick him...

[captweaver65]

A passionate wench from Madrid,

Once had an affair with a squid.

She said,"I've tried eels

And disported with seels,

But once you've been squid,you've been did.

[the Royaliste]

AAh, Ye've not lost your touch!!

[Thomas B.]

been busy with work and not checkin in here much...

thanx fer the praise n groans. don't think I can't all hear you all groanin out there.

:)

Thomas B, I'd be more n happy ta scrub the cabin boy,n flog him n lick him...

Captweaver65, ya be heartless and cruel to the cabin boy, (raise my glass) probably likes it.......

[captweaver65]

I am heartless and cruel,yet infinately kind.

My cabin boys do like it,or I send em home to their mommas

[captweaver65]

Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean, looking for something to do. They came up underneath a ship that was hauling potatoes. Bob, the first sea monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and ate everything on the ship.

A little while later, they came up to another ship, again hauling potatoes. Bob again capsizes the ship and eats everything onboard. The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes and Bob once again capsized it and ate everything.

Finally his buddy Bill asked him, "Why do you keep tipping over those ships full of potatoes and eating everything on board?"

Bob replied, "I wish I hadn't, but I just can't help myself once I start - everyone knows you can't eat just one potato ship."

[the Royaliste]

Rollinonthedeckagainlaffinmefrigginarseoff!

[Capt. Westyn Elizabeth Roberts]

ROTFLMAO! Great one! My honey is Bob! Ha! Okay, here are some jokes for your...uhm...enjoyment.

<= I can tell these jokes freely. Note the blond hair.

JOKE #1:

Q: How do you know a blonde has had a bad day?

A: She has her tampon behind her ear and is wondering what she did with her pencil.

JOKE #2:

There were two blondes walking around in the woods. All at once, they came upon some tracks. Blonde #1 said, "They're bear tracks." Blonde #2 said, "No, stupid! They're deer tracks!" They kept arguing back and forth for an hour until a train came and ran over them.

JOKE #3:

There was once a blonde who was cooking and accidentally set her house on fire. She called 911. When the fireman asked how to get there, the blonde got angry and said, "Duh! The big red truck!"

JOKE #4:

There were two blondes at a bar. They each got so hammered that they couldn't find their car, much less drive home. So, they started walking. They felt grass underneath their feet, so they knew they'd strayed off the beaten path. It was very dark, so Blonde #1 got out her cigarette lighter and lit it. She found that she was standing in the middle of a cow pasture. What was worse...she couldn't find her friend. Finally, when #1 did find #2, she ways laying underneath a cow, sucking each of its udders. #1 looked at her and said, "Are you nuts? We have to get out of here!" #2 just looked up and grunted, "I know, and if you'll let me finish, maybe one of these four guys will give us a ride home!"

Capt. WE Roberts

[captweaver65]

Capt Roberts,

har har har!!!

but...you look just too angelic in yer new avatar.I see that picture and wonder ifn I stepped into the foo foo pub,where they play brittany spears music and paint each others fingernails.gives me the shivers when I get that image.

just teasing ya.you are a very stunning woman...and blond,very blond.

[captweaver65]

Jack, a successful pirate Captain, is walking along the shore of Tortuga. He finds an odd shaped lamp, so he picks it up and rubs it to get the sand off.

Out pops a Genie and promises to grant Jack only one wish. "Gee, I have everything I need. I can have any wench I want when in port, more money than I could ever spend, and I am free to travel anywhere in the world fighting and pillaging. I really can't think of anything that I really need," says Jack. "Think hard," says the Genie, "there must be something you wish that you had."

So Jack thinks long and hard for 20 minutes. Finally he says, "You know, I really do love drinking good rum, but sometimes I just can't find it when I want some. Therefore, I wish that I could piss rum." "Very well," says the Genie, "Pissing rum you shall have." The genie hands him a glass and instructs him to piss in it. He does. Then she asks him to smell it. He does. Then she asks him to taste it. He does. "This is the best rum I've ever tasted!" Jack exclaims. "Thank you." The Genie disappears, and Jack returns to his favorite pub.

When he gets there he finds 2 glasses and pisses into each one. He takes them over to Evelyn,his favorite wench and gives one to her to drink and one for himself. "This is delicious," Evelen tells him. So every night for the next 2 nights he comes to the pub, pisses in 2 glasses and enjoys the drink with Evelyn. On the third night he comes to the pub but only pisses rum into one glass. When Evelen sees him and asks him,"Where is my drink dear Captain Jack."

"Ah," Jack replies, "Tonight I will teach you how to drink right from the bottle."