Pirate Jokes & Evil Humour

[captweaver65]

Pity poor Molly McGrew,

Who declared she knew not what to do.

After being had in due course

By three dogs and a horse,

I'd visit the vet, wouldn't you?

[Cap'n Slappy]

So, this kid is trick-or-treating one Halloween as a pirate.

He comes to the door of a house, all by himself and rings the doorbell.

A man answers it and asks, "So, where are your Buccaneers?"

The kid looks somewhat confused, but recovers quickly,

"They're on either side of my Buccan Head!"

Cap'n Slappy

[captweaver65]

There once was a man from Vercado,

Who sure liked to screw a tomato.

He would play and then toss,

To make his own sauce,

His name was sailor Jack Saito.

CW

[crow]

There once was a man from bombay who fashioned a c*nt out of clay the heat from his prick turned the clay into brick and it wore all his foreskin away :) ..

[Mad Maudlin McCrumb]

Owww, dude... I'm a girl, adn that sounds AWFUL!!! hehehehe

[captweaver65]

This woman dies and goes to heaven. While waiting in line, she hears this terrible screaming and moaning. This disturbs her somewhat, so she tracks down St. Peter to find out what is going on. "Oh, that," he says, "that's just the woman in front of you. They are drilling holes in her back to attach her wings." The woman is still a bit upset by this and is pondering her position when the screaming starts again. This time it is louder and more blood curdling than before. She calls St. Peter over again to find out what is happening to the woman now. "Oh, that," he says, "they're just drilling holes in her head to attach the halo." The woman decides that she wants out and tells St. Peter that she has changed her mind and wants to be sent to hell. "Are you sure you want to go there?" he says. "It's a terrible place, you'll end up getting sodomized and raped and even worse!" "That's okay" says the woman, "I already have the holes for that!"

[captweaver65]

There once was a mate named Dave

who found a dead whore in a cave.

he said what the hell,

you get used to the smell

And think of the money I saved.

[Capt. Westyn Elizabeth Roberts]

Ewwww!

Captain Weaver, as always, your humor amazes (and horrifies) me!

Here's one in your honor:

There once was a man named Nate,

Who couldn't find a woman to mate,

He looked all around,

And all on the ground,

But still had no luck with a date.

-CWER

Capt. WE Roberts

[Capt. Westyn Elizabeth Roberts]

There once was a man named Jesse

Who liked his loving kind of messy

He got drunk off his bow

And fell in love with a cow

And woke up in the hay beside Bessie

Capt. WE Roberts

[captweaver65]

always happy to amaze and horrify

:)

and I see that the sick animal sex limericks are apparently contagious-hehe

[captweaver65]

An adventurous fun-loving polyp

Propositioned a cute little scallop

Down under the sea:

"Nothing doing," said she;

"By Triton, you think I'm a trollop?"

[crow]

There once was a man from Darjeeling

Who's morals were rather revealing

He read on the door don't shit on the floor

So he casually shat on the ceiling...

[crow]

Mary had a little sheep

Of which wth her she took to sleep

The sheep turned out to be a ram

Mary had a little lamb ..

[Lucky Penny Hawkings]

Lucky Penny's Bad Joke of the Day

....

Humor me, oh those who might know this one or a variant..

So....Captain Jack Sparrow walked into a bar in Tortuga with the wheel of his beloved Black Pearl dangling around his waist. He promptly swaggered over to th' bar and sat down, flagging the bartender for a drink. The bartender gives him a lookover, an' he says, "Cap'n, 'as somethin' come over ye? Ye got th' wheel o' th' Pearl tacked on to yerself!"

"Aye, mate," ol' Jack replied. "An' it's been drivin' me nuts!"

Did I not tell ye, mates?

[Capt. Westyn Elizabeth Roberts]

Heh, heh...

Good one, Penny.

Here's one I got in my emails today. I'll change it, so's not to offend any pirates...

PICKLE SLICER

There once was a...pirate named...George who worked in a pickle factory...after the king's army stole his ship. Unfortunately, he had a very great and powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.

This went on for years, and Pirate George couldn't stand it any more. So he decided to seek professional help for this infatuation of his. He spent a few months with a shrink who finally gave up and told George that since his desire was so powerful to put his penis in the pickle slicer, the only way to get over it was to do it.

George the Pirate gladly agreed to do it the next day at work.

The next day he came home from work very early, about 11:00 a.m. His wife, Sarah, was very worried and asked why he was home so early.

George explained to her for the first time the desire he had to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He explained that he couldn't take it any more and today he did it and he got fired as a result.

Sarah gasped and ran over to him, yanked down his pants and briefs, only to see his penis perfectly normal and intact. She looked back up and said, "I don't understand...what happened to the pickle slicer?"

George gave a sad little smile and said, "I think she got fired too."

Capt. WE Roberts

[captweaver65]

There was a young pirate named Bruno

Who said, "Screwing's one thing I do know.

While women are fine,

And sheep are divine,

Cabin boys are numero uno!"

[captweaver65]

A Captain was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing spot and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite cabin boy. One day the cabin boy, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.

"Yes, but you know how I love to fish..."

"But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?"

"Yes, but she's got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish"

A few hours later, "I understand, but that's not the only way to have sex."

"I know, but she's got diarrhea; and you know how I love to fish..."

The following day: "Sure, but that's still not the only way to have sex."

"Yeah, but she's got phyrrea(*mouth rot*); and you know how I love to fish..."

Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated the cabin boy comments, "I guess I'm not sure why you'd marry someone with health problems like that."

"It's 'cause she's also got worms;

and you know I just love to fish..."

[Eliza]

Capt. Weaver I applaud you m'dear, that's truly hideous!

[captweaver65]

*takes a bow*

thank you,thank you

there are some jokes that just stop ya in yer tracks and ya just say,"what were they thinking"

[Cap'n Coyote]

Here's a tasty little animated number I just found that hearkens back to captweaver65's first contribution. I apologize if it's been posted before, I haven't had time to read all of these posts yet.

BTW, love the limericks! Thanks for adding to my collection!

Star Wars Spoofs

[Cap'n Coyote]

Did ye hear about the pirate ship full of red paint that crashed into the pirate ship full of blue paint?

Both crews were marooned.

[Cap'n Coyote]

Captweaver should be well rewarded

Her twisted jokes are ne’er hoarded

She’s a lusty young lass

Who’ll slam you on yer ass

And shout “Prepare to be boarded!”

[captweaver65]

hehe

thanx Cap'n Coyote

the welcome page is so big and work calls far too often fer me ...so... welcome aboard!

[captweaver65]

There was a young girl named Sapphire

Who succumbed to a sailor's desire.

She said, "It's a sin,

but now that it's in,

Could you shove it a few inches higher?"

[Cap'n Coyote]

hehe

thanx Cap'n Coyote

the welcome page is so big and work calls far too often fer me ...so... welcome aboard!

Yer welcome, lass. 'Tis a fine thing ta meet a wench whose wit is as sharp as 'er cutlass, and 'er 'umor as black as me 'eart.

I be likin' the new avatarrrr!

A pirate named Cap'n John Nair

Rushed to a milkmaid fair

He was quite excited

For he'd been invited

To come feel her dairy air