The Touring Gentleman

Good to see our brothers on distant shores sharing in the piratical ways... *** Myself: a Chicago native, haunted NYC, NJ and Albuquerque for years, now a resident of Burbank (the Los Angeles area). ~The Touring Gent

Indeed, Rumba, you sparked something... Undeniably present, you are. M'appy to be remembered, but it goes both ways: this lot is damned hard to forget. Characters, all, and it's an honor to be among you.

Great shirt. I'd just be a little nervous about the giggling fool that follows you around all day... The one wearing really, really baggy pants.

Good site, Mr. Monkey. Though I half expected your model pirate to start grooving ala "Dancing Paul." Alas not. Perhaps next time? Either way, funny stuff.

A sour stomach is nobody's friend. I remember a trip back from Anacapa last year... we were in a 69-footer and we hit 15' swells in the channel. Whole crew was whooping it up like cowboys - except one poor kid that made a dash for the rail. I swear he disappeared in the water - we were ready for a man overboard - but somehow the kid held on. He was drenched, but at least the "spray" took off all the bits that didn't quite make it to sea... My stomach is medium-strong, but I still get bouts. The Bonine/Dramamine I only use as a backup. If you don't have room to stock a couple cases of ginger ale, try your local vitamin store. They sell ginger capsules and they probably work better (in my experience). Pure ginger, doncha know. Second, and a hair pricier, are the scop patches. The "ear patches," if you will, are worth their weight in gold. Stick it on and it'll last you a couple days. Doesn't knock you out quite as bad as OTC stuff, and it keeps working without you having to down another pill. I'd recommend starting with a patch, get used to the motion, let it peter out, then keep an eye on the weather. If it looks like you're gonna hit chop, stick that lil' sucker behind the ear about three hours before it hits the fan and you'll be ready to bull fight Davy Jones himself. Best of luck ~The Touring Gentleman

Birthday salutations? Splendid! I thank you all. Why this reminds of a time I was sailing with - eh, nevermind. But thank you all, regardless. ~Now, see? You gone and gotten me all soft. ...Though I suppose that's better than the alternative. Theodore Sebastian "The Touring Gentleman"

'Ello, Rumba! Pirates? Us? Of course not. Why? What 'ave you heard? Tell us who spilled the scuttlebutt and we'll plug that leak in short order... ...And 'ello to all! 'Twas a fine time to revisit all the scurvy dogs on Lake Ojai. Arrived with just enough time to dent the wallet and help break down the encampement. Fortunately, Blind Jeff lubricated the process (with a sturdy brew, that is). It was good to see the faces, both new and familar.

Don't know if this lil' shanty made it into December's NQG (I haven't heard, so I doubt it), so I'm sharing it with you scurvy dogs... Sing it loud, sing it proud (and remember to duck when the cannonballs start heading your way). ********************************************************* God Arrest These Hairy Gentlemen God arrest these hairy gentlemen, They left the town in flames; And what they did to our livestock, They all should be ashamed. Please save us from his cannonades Before we’re made to marmalade; O tidings of cannons and gold, Cannons and gold, O tidings of cannons and gold. From North in the Caribbean The ship “Revenge” did come. And into our ports Blackbeard did sail, With some two hundred guns. Why couldn’t he have been stillborn? That Son of a Gun! O tidings of cannons and gold, Cannons and gold, O tidings of cannons and gold. "Fear me," said that demon, "I’ll leave nothing quite right, If you bring out all your gold, Survive the night you might!” But he blasted us with his broadsides That whole ungodly night. O tidings of cannons and gold, Cannons and gold, O tidings of cannons and gold. “We’ll give no quarter and take none!” Teach was heard to cry. Maynard heard those words And knew they were no lie. So by an inlet they did fight And Blackbeard finally died. O tidings of cannons and gold, Cannons and gold, O tidings of cannons and gold. copyright and all that

Here's a lil' somethin' I did for th' '03 EDMT. I think it applies for the rest of you swabs, too... ********************************************************** 'Twas the Night Before Christmas or: On the Account of Captain Nicholas 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the port Pirates were lurking, and casing the fort; Spaniards were huddled in the barracks with care, With hopes King Philips’ reinforcements soon would be there. The soldiers were nervous, awake in the beds, With visions of cutlasses flying toward their heads; My first mate was causing mischief, laying some traps, As we sharpened our dirks and weighted our saps. When out from the gate arose such a clatter, The guards all rushed in to see what’s the matter. It started with a BOOM! Some smoke and some flash – In a breath, the air was filled with grapeshot and ash. There were old scores – and gold! – we wanted a fight But most those dumb lubbers cowered in fright. Then, in a blast of powder, who should appear, But the captain, a vision that inspired utter fear. With whirling steel and flintlocks a-blazing, He marched through the town, looting and razing. I knew in a moment it was Captain Nick, And the smell of gunpowder got ever so thick. “Now MOVE, ya scurvy dogs, there’s GOLD in this town! And if there’s not, I’ll burn it all down!” He bellowed through smoke and raged and roared, He was pure fury, he was out of his gourd! It was an inferno, with yelling and screaming, Yet even in moonlight, our steel was still gleaming. O’er our heads, cannonballs whistled, And the guards in the fort were blasted and gristled. And then, through the smoke, I heard a mate cry: “The gate has fallen, regroup inside!” The words tickled me ears with such a pleasure: We were a step closer to that sparkling treasure. We’d endured hard tack and mosquitoes; A curse every mate here knows. So we gathered among ricochets and flame To treasures of kings, we soon would lay claim. The Captain appeared with a captive in tow, He knew where the gold was and by God, he’d show! We marched to the dungeon, doubloons in our eyes… We’d soon be back in Port Royal, with silk gracing our hides! But the garrison was tough, they’d learned from past raids: They stuck to their guns and delivered Cannonades! They turned their iron inward and the walls shook in seizure; They’d bury us with rubble and recover in leisure. I couldn’t die yet, there was gold left to spend; But if debris was calling it – this was the end! So we abandoned the treasure, gold Aztec, Incan and Mayan; Our purses too light, our wallets were cryin’. But by God, those cannons filled us with rage. And the Spaniards found it was a mistake to engage. We crawled up the walls and sliced them to bits – But the blood wasn’t all theirs, we took our hits. So remember our comrades, our Brethren of the Coast; Those on distant shores, and those that… gave up the ghost. We miss them all, those lost from our sight. And to the rest of you swabs, I raise my glass: WE’RE ALL PIRATES TONIGHT!

Fantastic! I love a good argument! It's what makes this country great! Now, ironically, the Blokes of Baghdad will have the same opportunity to piss and moan that everybody here has! I think that's fantastic! A tip of the tricorn to the troops for a job well done. A pat on the back for the intelligence services for finally congealing their feces. Iraq has been a problem in one way or another for a long time. Now that problem is more one way than the other. It's not a solution, but it's a step in the right direction. Now, as we head for the exit, we stomp a few cockroaches on the way. As for Sodom himself? Good riddance. Note to Assama: pack up your dialysis machine and round up your wives, ***hole, we're still lookin' for ya...

Couldn't vote... too split to decide. Went to DisneyWorld a lil' over twenty years ago and have fond memories of Epcot. Now, with the new space thingy, it looks like it would be pretty neat. OTOH, I've got an annual pass to DisneyLand and the Holy Trio of Rides Mad Gracie and I do every trip: POTC, Haunted Mansion and Indiana Jones. We'd do Space Mountain but there's not really much open in the TomorrowLand section of the park right now (a serious bummer... I blame Micheal Eisner (but then, who doesn't?)). I'd lean LAND, but not so much to cast a vote on it.

Merry Christmas to all you privateers and pirates. Remember to keep a weather eye on the roads, mates - thar be revelers and nog and sometimes not enough asphalt for the two of yas. So keep the spirit of the season but don't be a spirit this season. ...And enjoy the one day your bags are full going into a house and empty going out. On December 26th, the raiding starts again! (Can you say "gift certificates"?!)

Okay, the movie "Master and Commander - The Far Side of the World*" is coming out in November. It's got big ships, big guns, some nasty privateers... any buzz? Any thoughts? I've had the book on my shelves for years but I've never gotten around to reading it. Anybody read it? *Despite the title, I understand that Gary Larson was not consulted during the production...

Hm... I tried the link but got an error saying that "hot linking is not cool." Don't know what that means (though it sounds a bit snotty), so I can't really figure out the confusion. More than one sword is distinctly possible -- maybe a 1750 sword as a model and new one produced to handle the rigors of stage combat. Just a guess though, I haven't seen any press kits... just the Sword & Stone shop.

We're in the same boat, Daniel. Different genres, but same boat... Not necessarily. By "strict historical bent" I would mean novelizing real-life events (with or without creative liberties). Sort of a Mark Boden doing "Black Hawk Down" on things piratical. In retrospect, though, that might be a little rigid. So what do you need? You need enough realism to induce "suspension of disbelief". If you took great pains, that should translate as an easy slide into the world you've created. Either that, or it has to be so colorfully outrageous that it takes us on a fantastic ride (ala "POTC-Curse of the Black Pearl"). Good luck, chief.

Congrats and good luck. The fun part is over... I'd recommend looking up Jeff Herman's guide to agents and editors. If you can afford it, get it; otherwise, do what I've seen a bunch other folk do: sit down in the store and pirate your information. On your side: a slightly increased market demand for pirate stories. Against you: unless you've got a strict historical bent or you're writing a romance with pirates in it, the genre is a notorious low-seller. That makes submission even harder unless you've got some cred to back up the prose (such as... you were a part of the u/w archaeology team studying sunken Port Royal).

Missed the party, I'm afraid... but happy birthday nonetheless. It's always a good thing when you can celebrate another year around the sun.

I feel it all coming back to me now. Or is it just coming up again? Been diving and met some good seas on the way back. On a 100-some odd footer out of Santa Barbara and we hit mere 15' seas. Still gives a little rock and roll if you're not used to it. One lubber decided to feed the fish dead amidships and I swear to God he disappeared in the spray. We were all expecting to throw life preservers, etc., but somehow he held on. This seems to work for Jenny, and me too if it's light enough, but heavier chop keeps me from falling asleep. Under those circumstances, if you stand on the bow, get some fresh air and synch your sight lines with your middle ear, you can calm it down. :) If you've got work to do, and Bonine puts you to sleep, try Scopalamine. Tell your ship's surgeon that you've issues on the water and he'll give you a cheap prescription. Best way (only way I've done it) is in patch form. This little, round band-aid lookin' thing you put behind your ear and no problems. Another option, used in conjunction with either of the above, is ginger. Any form will help, but powdered in capsule form packs the most punch. Unlike the others, which have their effect on the middle ear and sinuses (AFAIK), ginger chemistry has an effect directly on the stomach.

Oustanding display on the "beach", Captain... And a tip of the tricorn to you, Cap'n. Hauling heavy metal can be a chore, but your regular salutes gave the faire a fine atmosphere. Thank you for your efforts, sir. The Touring Gentleman

I usually avoid popular costumes and with POTC, everybody and their mailman is going to be a pirate this year. OTOH... I've been a pirate since I was a wee lad and I'll be a pirate this year, too. It just feels odd when the world catches up to what's actually cool.

We thanks ya, Bess! The donuts were a sweet counterpoint to a half-yard of Hefeweisen. To borrow the words of young Will Turner: "She's a pirate... and a good woman!"

Okay, I'll listen... Very, very funny. And well pirated, too! Maybe an idea for the next tallships festival...

Captain Weaver, I do wish you a very pleasant day on this anniversary of your birth and hope that your coming year will grace you with fair winds and health. The Touring Gentleman

Funny bits, Lucky Penny! It'll regretfully glaze the eyes of 75% of everybody that looks at it, but for the rest... good stuff.

Why that would be sweet! (and a very nice thing, too...) I'll be on my dinner break, so I suppose it would be good to cut the ale with something...