Tall Mike Bismuth van der Bulge

Arr, I be wearin' an Iced Earth T-shirt right now, as it be. Another couple o' bands ye might want t'be checkin' out are Masterplan and ARK. Very good music, and quite unconventional at times. Arr, ARK be hippie flamenco metal!

Arr, uh-oh! Double entendre, mateys! And a pun, too. Ye be good, Cap'n Booty. Maybe too good... arr.

Too much sense, ye still be makin'. -gives Deadcrowisland the weirdo pirate eye, despite the fact that the good captain is at loss of his ocular organs- ... Bring us a beer bong!

Arr, extreme ironing my le... peg! Where would the ironers be without us humble folders?

Well, then! We better be gettin' on that, now shouldn't we? Ray, a round 'o the rotgut fer me hearties!

I've been listenin' t'this Italian band, Rhapsody, lately, and I jest be wantin' t'be bringin' 'em up. If ye like the likes o' Dragonforce, Stratovarius, or anythin' else fast an' energetic, ye'll be blown away by these guys. Here's a couple o' links: http://www.mightyrhapsody.com - Their official site. http://www.youtube.com/?v=Taunio9A2hs - Their video fer me favourite song by them. The image be grainy, but the music be excellent. Sorry, I can't be findin' this in downloadable formats o' any kind.

Arr, may the winds of fortune be in her sails.

Arr, excuse the cap'n if he be insultin' yer interests on a personal level. Captain Tall Mike Bismuth van der Bulge be a scoundrel, and Captain Tall Mike Bismuth van der Bulge be brash, and Captain Tall Mike Bismuth van der Bulge speaks in the third person, but Captain Tall Mike Bismuth van der Bulge does not offend anybody personally. Not without apologizin', anyway. But Captain Tall Mike Bismuth van der Bulge still be holdin' his own opinions about Beatallica. Arr, avast!

Arr, on the Happy Salmon, we be coatin' the keel with coarse grain sandpaper. 'Cept when it be travelin' through space; sandpaper kinda gets in the way o' atmospheric reentry. But the whole decompression thing seems t'be a good substitute fer splinters an' scrapes.

Arr, I used t'be wearin' hats. More o' baseball caps than anythin' else, as I be not havin' a tricorne. I been contemplatin' makin' one. Alas, I be at lack of materials. However, I do wear me sea green bandana around me house, and occasionally in public.

Arr, what if ye acquired yer ship through mutiny and betrayal? Ye know, like Captain Blood, or as in Mutiny on the Bounty?

Arr, I be havin' a book o' bold-script fonts, among which be havin' a few fonts lookin' like that. If at all possible, I'll be tryin' t'be scannin' those pages, and ye can be makin' yer own fonts.

Arr, a band which goes upon similar lines be Richard Cheese. He does lounge versions of popular songs (often sexually explicit in nature), and four outta five cap'ns agree: It be mighty funny shit, matey. As fer Beatallica, it be crappy music. Tequila!

Arr, I be havin' the Balls to the Wall video on me computer. Very good choreography, but I didn't like the way they be cuttin' out the middle o' the song. The wreckin' ball thing is kinda out o' place, but I like things that be out o' place (i.e.: a stack of CD's full of metal with the Barry White Ultimate Collection randomly in there). As fer Udo Dirkschneider, I be thinkin' that he be born old.

Arr, that and it be me given name. And right ye be, "van der Bulge" does go without sayin'.

Arr, I be thinkin' that the eyepatch be sayin' it all. As fer me personally, it be the greatest cult I ever been in. Except fer that Heaven's Gate thing, but thar wasn't too many of 'em left around t'be conversatin' with after a while. But seriously, me first mate and I jest started actin' like pirates out o' the blue one day, and it be like that ever since.

Arr, rest assured, Greenighs; I be here t'kill the threads now. My own name is a bit o' fried gold, if ye ask me. I be lookin' fer a pirate name, ye see, and I be usin' our favourite ficticious literary personality, Long John Silver, as me model (as far as the name goes). Basically, I be wantin' t'be makin' it sound cheesy, unnecessarily lengthy, and with a bit o' innuendo. I be tall, so that solves the first part o' that, Mike be a name which fits a pirate pretty darn well (though ye don't see it often), and Bismuth is a semi-precious element which makes ye sound a little cheaper than a guy named "Silver". So I says t'meself, "Arr, Cap'n Tall Mike Bismuth, that be good! Wait, no, t'ain't right. T'aint right at all," so I be talkin' t'me first mate, and somewhere along the line, I be transformin' inta a funky black cop from the nineteen-hundred and seventies named "Von Bulge". Ye know, like Truck Turner. Anyway, so I be bustin' up a mafia operation, outsmartin' me future first mate (who was a knight at the time) who be tryin' t'bomb me with carpet, an' eventually, I got in a pirate ship, transformed back inta me pasty-white self, and found me name still had the word "Bulge" on it. Well, "Captain Tall Mike Bismuth Bulge" doesn't sound too good, and given the origin of the new addition, I be decidin' t'go Dutch. Methinks that has a sexual pretense, "to go Dutch", but I be meanin' that I be makin' the greatest damn pirate name in all the history of Musicology and Scientology combined. No clue what that be meanin'. Gyar.

I'll drink t'that, matey. However, the music does sound kinda catchy when the dread wanker Michael Angelo Batio is doin' his thing. He tries t'give his band a chance every now 'an the, 'an it sounds like crap when thar be a random two-second solo between some otherwise tolerable synth and the crappy drummer.

Arr, it actually ain't that difficult. In fact, the only thing remarkable about it be that he be usin' two hands to perform two different operations and that he be usin' what must be the world's most amazin' pickups. The music itself ain't complicated, just fast. Arr, and I think ye can find a picture of the quad guitar on thar, too. Yes, that be four guitars conjoined. It be funny watchin' him play that, it be.

Arr, this one be kinda tricky fer me, but I'll manage. 1. Die Toten Hosen - Kauf MICH! (I don't normally listen t'punk, but this be the best damn punk music I ever been hearin'.) 2. Kreator - Violent Revolution 3. Running Wild - Rogues en Vogue (Arr, can't be strayin' too far from piratey basics.) 4. Accept - Balls To The Wall (Check out this album if ye like power metal; the title track be as piratey as it be kickass.) 5. Masterplan - Masterplan (Excellent music, period.) 6. ARK - Burn The Sun (Same singer as the last album, a little bit o' flamenco in thar, though.) 7. Comme Restus - Pharmácia Ananáz (A humourous mix of metal and punk from Portugal. Check out this song: Morte aos Ciquelistas. Kind of odd, but it grows on you as soon as you realize that the title means "death to bicyclists" in English.) 8. DragonForce - Sonic Firestorm 9. Prince - Girl 6 10. Prince - Purple Rain Arr, that be it. A collection worth all of King Midas' riches t'import. Keep in mind they be not in order of how much I been listenin' to 'em.

Arr, t'be not kinky enough fer the Bulge.

Arr, this is jest ridiculous. I've a-been across the seven seas, journied through the final frontier, gone t'Nevada, and the digestive tract of an overweight man (t'was kinda like "The Magic Schoolbus"), but never in all me days have I been witness to this level of guitar masturbation. But hear me no more! Click the link, ye brigands. http://www.deanguitars.com/angelo/mab_videos/

Arr, that video be shiverin' me timbers. I woulda downloaded it, alas, I know not how to be locatin' flash movies out of source code. Arr, t'would be interestin' t'be doin' that with me own landworthy vessel. Ye could fit six o' those rogues in me trunk!

T'was probably One Eyed Willy who be killin' 'er.

I be learnin' the guitar as of late, but I be quite proficient in playin' the vibraphone. I also played the B flat concert clarinet fer some time, but it has run the blockade of me memory banks since. I be interested in learning all musical instruments, though, and I do be plannin' on takin' up the clarinet again. P.S. I, like many of ye scurvy dogs out here, also sing, but not well, by the reactions I be gettin'. No matter; anybody who complains gets a good keel-haulin'.