The Doctor

The Summit Brewery here in the Twin Cities produces some wonderful beers. I do have some sad news to report; the original site of the Hamm's Brewery burned a couple days ago. A tragic loss for the Land of Sky Blue Waters.

That's a great one, Rummy! And a good tripod is very important... :)

Mad Jack's Big List O' Bagpipe Jokes Looks at it this way: after reading these jokes, you probably won't endure anything as painful for the rest of the day. "I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equalled the purity of sound achieved by the pig." -Alfred Hitchcock -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison? A. Shoot one. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What's the definition of a minor second? A. Two bagpipes playing in unison. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion? A. No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline? A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. Why did the chicken cross the road? A. To get away from the bagpipe recital. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch? A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded? A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What's the difference between the Great Highland and Northumbrian bagpipes? A. The GHB burns longer [but the Northumbrian burns hotter] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe? A. You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb? A. Five, one to handle the bulb and the other four to contemplate how Bill Livingston would have done it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. How many bagpipers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. 5-one to do it, and four to criticise his fingering style. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus? A. The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe? A. Add vibrato. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb? A. Five. One to handle the bulb, the other four to tell him how much better they could have done it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What's the definition of a gentleman? A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead bagpiper in the road? A. Skid marks in front of the snake. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road? A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What's the range of a bagpipe? A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A. A bagpiper. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test? A. Drool. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What's the definition of a quarter tone? A. A bagpiper tuning his drones. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning? A. They rarely strike the same spot twice. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune? A. Someone is blowing into it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. Why is a bagpipe like a Scud missile? A. Both are offensive and inaccurate. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What do bagpipers use for birth control? A. Playing love songs on the pipes. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. How do you know if a bagpipe band is at your front door? A. No one knows when to come in. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. Why did the bagpiper get mad at the drummer? A. He moved a drone and wouldn't tell him which one. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you took all the bagpipers in the world and laid them end to end-- it would be a good idea. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What do you call ten bagpipes at the bottom of the ocean? A. A start. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. If you drop a bagpipe and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first? A. Who cares? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play? A. To get away from the sound. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tom: "Hey, Buddy. How late does the bagpipe band play?" Buddy: "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. Why do bagpipers always walk when they play? A. Moving targets are harder to hit. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What does a bagpiper wear under his kilt? A. Shoes and socks. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. Why do they call it a "kilt"? A. Because a lot of people got kilt when they called it a skirt. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What's one thing you never hear people say? A. Oh, that's the bagpipe player's Porsche. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone? A: A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What's the definition of "optimism" A. A bagpiper with a beeper. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ANCIENT PIPING JOKE: The lads are marching into battle, with the piper playing away like mad.............The enemy's arrows, swords and spears are creating bloody slaughter all through the Irish ranks................Ten men down, and the piper plays on................Twenty men down, and still the pipes ring out. Finally fifty men have fallen, and the chieftain says to the piper, "For heaven's sake, can you not play something they like?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Man walks into a session with an octopus and declares that his critter can play any instrument in the room and $50 backs up his outrageous claim. So the fiddler hands over the fiddle, the octopus picks it up and plays beautifully, $50 to the octopus. Same for the drums, the guitar and banjo.... Then the piper declares he is sure to meet the bet and come out on top. So he hands over his pipes and the octopus turns them first one way then the other, and not a sound comes out of it. The owner looks little nervous and asks the octopus whats wrong. "Play it? I'm still trying to get her out of these pajamas!!!!!!!!!"

The Oldest Profession

:: Jack hears Rummy's voice, and turns to see the walking stick she's crafted for the Captain. As he does so, his knee fails to support him, and he loses his balance. Dorian grabs Jack's arm to steady him. Rummy kindly brings the cane to him :: Rummy, you are indeed a master of your craft! This rivals the finest gentlemen's canes I've seen in London! I would be most honoured if you would produce such a walking stick to assist in my recovery.

I believe you start out will a large expanse of open flooring - say, a warehouse - and you gather all manner of desireable naked folk together. Then, you break out the plastic wrap and gallons of water-based paint, and a Wagner power-sprayer... :)

Same folks who did "Sea Dogs" and "Pirates of the Caribbean". And I believe it's for PC and console. Have a looksee at Pirates Ahoy! for the most up-to-date info.

Ouch!

As one prone to offering my political opinion, I've often been asked where I stand on homeless people. Actually, I prefer to step over them. (I know, I'm going to Hell for that one...) Why don't pyrates win on "Wheel of Fortune"? Because Pat thinks they keep asking for an "R", and they are always trying to buy an "I".

You're more than welcome, love! And, if I may so humbly add, your school needs an enema! :) Whoops! Went off topic there... RUM!!!! Eggs? I forgot... Really bad eggs? *THUD*

I'm hanging on for "The Age of Pirates", due out 4Q05. "Pirates" is fun, as is "Pirates of the Caribbean (Build 12)", don't get me wrong. I'm just ready for new seas to terrorize and make my own.

You mean, this one? ... or this one? ... or maybe, this one? Just right-click, select "Properties", or better yet, select "Save Image As...", and as sure as your Aunt fannies your Uncle, you've got the smilies. :)

I will not eat them off your bum, I will not eat them without rum! I will not squash them with my thumb; Have I not asked you "Where's the rum?"

Q: What does a Scotsman wear beneath his kilt? Keep scrolling... Lower, lass... Aye, that's it... A: Lipstick, if he's lucky!

Jack be maddening and burn me a copy o that won't you? The scissorsisters I mean Ach! No, mate. I listened to it off their web site. I'd never buy their dreck. Not after what they did to my favorite song!

"A-Roving" - Ian MacFarlane

Mmmmmm.... Guinness. It's what's for breakfast!™ My Cajun Pizza turned out fantastic! I never realized how easy it is to make smoked Andouille sausage. I'll be making plenty more before winter sets in. This Friday will be nice and simple. Cuban sandwiches.

:: Jack makes his way below, pausing at the door of the Infirmary to talk to the Doctor :: Pardon me, Doctor Fitzgerald, and Armand. Doctor, your services are required upon the main deck. No hurry, nor particular need for your bag. The crew retrieved 3 quite deceased Dutch bodies from the water, one of them a woman. Monsignor Diego is no doubt administering Last Rites even now. Please forgive the interruption. Oh, and one last thing... Please pause to examine the handbill nailed to the mainmast by our own Captain Brand himself. Seems my earlier suspicions about him were correct, as well. :: Jack gives an uneasy, half-bewildered smile that quickly vanishes, and he heads off toward the Armoury. Once at his destination, he removes the worn doglock pistol from his belt. He examines it carefully, seeing that it is of English make. A short, stout weapon it is, and loaded past what's normally due. He sets about unloading it, mindful of it's reputation for misfiring. He clears the ball and charge, and sweeps the frizzen and pan of primer :: It's a wonder it hadn't discharged itself of it's own accord! Now, what's this...? :: He finds the butt of the pistol loose, and unscrews the ring and fitting to reveal a curled slip of paper, fitted into a deep hole in the handle of the weapon. He unfurls the paper, and finds upon it, written in the King's English, "I will arise and go to my Father, and say unto him, Father, I have sinned against Heaven, and before thee, and am no more worthy of being called thy Son." :: Heaven preserve us all! This weapon was intended for naught but mutiny!! :: Jack checks his own weapon, and pockets the damning slip of paper. He locks up the Armoury, and proceeds to the main deck in search of the Quartermaster. His bearing is that of an indignant senior English officer of the Crown, boiling mad at the thought of a mutiny aboard any ship he serves... So angry, in fact, that he has completely forgotten his makeshift cane. The full weight of his forgetfullness presents itself as he climbs the steps to the main deck, but that will wait for another time. He catches sight of the Quartmaster, and thrusts the curled bit of paper at him :: Mister Lasseter!! :: Jack's tone becomes a hiss, once Dorian turns his attention :: This bastard Van Buren has more in mind than just mischief! He has designs upon this vessel, and I have the proof here! See for yourself!

That would be very kind of you, Rummy. I shall find you later and we may discuss the matter over a tot of grog, then?

Aye, sir. Consider it done. And I'll have the current guard shifted out. :: Jack looks back at the now shrouded bodied lying upon the deck, shakes his head in pity for the poor souls lost in such a grisly manner, then heads aft toward the Armoury, and to fetch the Doctor ::

popgun

:: Jack stifles a laugh and nods his acknowledgement to the Quartermaster :: Aye, sir. And what of the Mr. Van Buren's undeclared doglock? Do you wish to impound it, or shall I? No doubt the scoundrel will after it yet, unless we fish him out of the blue as well.

50-caliber roof-mounted machine gun

:: Jack spies Rummy amidst the quiet commotion on the main deck, and makes his way to her :: Ah! Rummy, I have a favour to ask. I was hoping that you might find time to fashion a walking stick or cane for me. This broken oar-shaft is a tad too short. Whenever you may be able to, I would be most appreciative. :: He smiles, and turns as the Captain nails a worn handbill to the mainmast. Jack move in for a closer look, and reads the text damning his commanding officer as a pyrate. "Well, well, well." thinks Jack. "Looks like I'm not the only one to have his past climb over his back and demand to be faced." Jack walks over to the Quartermaster and stands besides the now cleanshaven man, and stares out to sea. Quietly, he speaks his mind :: Mr. Lasseter, about that poster upon the mainmast... please let the Captain know upon his return that his Master At Arms awaits his orders, no matter where those orders take us. :: He turns his head to face the Quartermaster to smile, but a look of puzzlement crosses his face :: There it is, then. I've lost another bet. I wagered Ciaran that you'd never lose that biscuit-duster.

Original Sin