jokes

[Durty Mick Moon]

thanks fer the laugh! ...the day is downhill from here....

[tishsparrow]

that was too funny...

[Shipwreck John]

A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big boobs

[Durty Mick Moon]

a simple one:

Guy goes into the doctors office with mashed potatoes in his hair, carrot sticks up his nose, and green beans hanging out of his ears.

"What's wrong with me doc?" he asks.

"Simple," says the doctor, "You're not eating right."

[Diego Santana de la Vega]

You know you're trailer trash .....

1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people."

6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch this."

8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

10. Your junior prom had a daycare.

11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines."

12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded jumped in the air and fell right off its wheels.

13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.

14. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

17. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

18. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

20. and last: Your sister is your mothers uncles daughter in laws niece.

[Durty Mick Moon]

thanks for making me day, Diego!

[Diego Santana de la Vega]

Here's a few more

1. Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.

2.You have a complete set of salad bowls. They all say Cool Whip on the side....

3. Your working T.V. sits on top of your non-working T.V...

4. You thought the Una-bomber was a wrestler...

5. You use your ironing board as a buffet table...

6. You think a quarter horse is that ride out in front of the K-Mart.

7. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.

8. A tornado hits your neighborhood and along with causing miilions in dammages actually causes $100,000 worth of improvements too.

9. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher

10. You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin?"

11. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty...

12. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph...

13. Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is...

14. You've stared at a can of orange juice because it said concentrate... {actually, this is if you're blonde}

15. You've been too drunk to fish.

16. The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart...

[oderlesseye]

How much does it cost a pirate to pierce his ears?

A buchaneer ! Oh...

[Shipwreck John]

I decided that I needed a few days off but realized that I had no

vacation, personal or sick leave left, so I figured the best way to

get the Boss to send me home was to act a little crazy. I figured he'd think I

was "burning out" and would give me some time off. I came in to work early the other day and began hanging upside down

from the ceiling. Just then one of my coworkers, (a blonde I might

mention) came in and asked me what I'm doing. "Shh," I said, "I'm acting crazy to get a few days off. I'm acting

like a light bulb."

A second later the Boss walked by and asked me what I was doing.

"I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.

"You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off."

With that, I jumped down and started walking out. My blonde coworker

started following me. The Boss stopped her and asked where she wa going...... .... .........................

> She said; "Going home, I can't work in the dark."

[Diego Santana de la Vega]

[Rummy3]

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.

In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.

The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "green side up!"

In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.

He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side up!"

The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.

In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.

The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "green side up!"

The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"

"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a fresh crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

[Blackbead]

A nun, a priest, a rabbi, and the Speaker of the House walk into a bar . . .

you'd think one of them would have seen it.

What's the difference between a politician and a catfish? One of them is a scum-sucking, bottom-feeder who lives off human garbage. The other one's just a fish.

More to come . . . Blackbead

[Barbados Sam]

Petee had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night with his buddies.

Ray the bartender says, "You'll not be drinkin' anymore tonight Petee" Petee replies "Aye Ray, I'll be on me way then." Petee spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

"Shite" says Petee and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shite, Shite!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' frocked,"

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to

the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Petee. I see you had a bit too much to drink last night”

Petee says, "I did lass. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"

"Ray phoned, . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub again."

[Shipwreck John]

A doctor and a lawyer were chatting at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer," and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

[Skull pyrate Carter]

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

 

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

______________________________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit.

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee =

overtime

_____________________________

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

_____________________________

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

_____________________________

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

______________________________

LONGEVITY

Women are dying to get married.

Married men are waiting to die.

______________________________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

_____________________________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

_____________________________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

And One more:

HER DIARY

>

> Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to

>

>

>

> meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all

day

>

>

>

> long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,

but

>

>

>

> he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that

we

>

>

>

> go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and

>

>

>

> absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if

it

>

>

>

> was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me

> and

>

>

>

> not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply

>

>

>

> smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know

> why

>

>

>

> he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had

lost

>

>

>

> him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat

there

>

>

>

> and watched TV. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to

go

>

>

>

> to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he

>

>

>

> responded to my caress and we made love, I still felt that he was

>

>

>

> distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep and

I

>

>

>

> cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts

are

>

>

>

> with someone else. My life is a disaster.

>

>

>

> HIS DIARY

>

> Today the Broncos' lost, but at least I got laid.

[Christine]

A Halloween Joke:

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party.

He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co.

[kaizoku]

Lol to the joke above. That is hilarious. I could just image getting to write those letters to someone hahaha.

[Capt. Morgan]

I'm laughing so hard, I'm crying... whew!

[Rumba Rue]

Ah geez, i left a wet spot....

[Barbados Sam]

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some

cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy", I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, and they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, Hell, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[Barbados Sam]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the

bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her

lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there

already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball." "That's nice. "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in

the closet together again.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy: "$750"

Man: "Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go

outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my

baseball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy: "$1,000"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that ..

that is way more than those two things cost. It's almost like stealing.

I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the

confessional booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again, you're in my closet now."

[Skull pyrate Carter]

LOL!!!

[Barbados Sam]

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the

very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why

he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't

want to offend you"

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am

and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and

hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:

#1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!

OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfils the cab driver's fantasy with a kiss that would make a

hooker blush. Then to his astonishment, the nun unzipps his pants and gives him the best head he's ever had.

When they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied.........and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a gay costume party!"

[Rumba Rue]

Thanks for the morning laugh! I really needed it!

[Rummy3]

LMAO~ Ok, speaking of nun jokes...

Sister Margaret dies and gets to the pearly gates.

St Peter greets her there and explains that she must complete a few tasks to enter. She must first return to earth and smoke a cigarette.

Sister Margaret does so and returns a short time later explaining to St Peter that it was awful, and she now understands the evils of smoking.

St Peter explains that now she must return to earth and consume alcohol.

Sister Margaret complies and visits a pub near her convent on earth and downs a shot of Irish Whisky. She returns to St Peter and explains that it was so hot in her throat, she now understands the evils of intoxicants.

St Peter tells her that her third task is to return to earth and she must be with a man in the biblical sense.

Sister Margaret returns to earth to meet the requirement. Days pass and St peter is deeply concerned that this task was just too great for her to accomplish. Finally he gets a call from Sister Margaret, "Yo Pete, this is Maggie. It's gonna be a while!"