jokes

[Rummy3]

I shared your joke with my girlfriends, Captain Bloodscalp!

Here's one:

It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung the wash out

to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went downstairs

to pick up some dry cleaning.

"Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she

walked down Main street.

She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" so

she walked in and took a seat at the bar.

The bartender came up and asked her what she

would like to drink.

"Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot I tink I'll have

myself zee cold beer."

The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"

Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und

how's yer pecker?"

[CaptainBloodscalp]

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the

crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could

manage, he took

himself to the doctor. He said, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my

honeymoon next

week and my fiancee is still a virgin -- in every

way."

The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your Willie in a splint to let

it heal and keep it

straight. It should be okay by next week."

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided

splint and taped it all

together ... an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on

their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her

beautiful breasts.

She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these."

He immediately drops his pants and replies..

"Look at this, .. still in the CRATE"

[Biker]

I'm headed to Mexico...

MR. PRESIDENT, I'M HEADED TO MEXICO...

Dear President Bush:

I'm about to plan a little trip with my family and extended family, and I would like to ask you to assist me. I'm going to walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and I need to make a few arrangements. I know you can help with this.

I plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws. I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here.

So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Vicente Fox, that I'm on my way over? Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:

1. Free medical care for my entire family.

2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.

3. All government forms need to be printed in English.

4. I want my kids and Grand kids to be taught by English-speaking teachers.

5. Schools need to include classes on American culture and history.

6. I want my kids and Grand kids to see the American flag flying on the top of the flagpole at their school with the Mexican flag flying lower down.

7. Please plan to feed my kids and Grand kids at school for both breakfast and lunch.

8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.

9. I do not plan to have any car insurance, and I won't make any effort to learn local traffic laws.

10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from Pres. Fox to leave me alone, please be sure that all police officers speak English.

11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my housetop, put flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.

12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, and don't enforce any labor laws or tax laws.

13. Please tell all the people in the country to be extremely nice and never say a critical word about me or about the strain I might place on the economy. I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all the people who come to the U.S. from Mexico. I am sure that Pres. Fox won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely.

However, if he gives you any trouble, just invite him to go quail hunting with your V.P.

Thank you so much for your kind help.

Sincerely,

Carl Zanger

[CaptainBloodscalp]

{The Christmas Party}

Eddie had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the

stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from

humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries

once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or

so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and

sees a huge, bearded man standing there.

"Hi, my name's Lars, your neighbor from 40 miles up the road. Having a

Christmas party Friday night...Thought you might like to come. About 5

PM."

"Great", says Eddie, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some

local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Got warn you...There's gonna be some

drinkin'."

"Not a problem" says Eddie. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink

with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be

some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks

again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."

"Now that's really not a problem" says Eddie, warming up to it now. "What

should I wear?"

"Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."

[Christine]

[The Doctor]

For all you horse enthusiasts -

Lessons From Your Horse

• 1. When you're tense, let me teach you that there are lions in the woods, and we need to leave. NOW!!
  
• 2. When you're short tempered, let me teach you how to slog around the pasture for an hour before you catch me.
  
• 3. When you're short-sighted, let me teach you to figure out where, exactly, in 40 acres I'm hiding.
  
• 4. When you're quick to react, let me teach you that herbivores kick much faster than omnivores.
  
• 5. When you're worried, let me entertain you with my mystery lameness.
  
• 6. When you feel superior, let me teach you that, mostly, you're the maid service.
  
• 7. When you're self-absorbed, let me teach you to pay attention!! (I told you about those lions in the woods...)
  
• 8. When you're arrogent, let me teach you what 1,200 pounds of yahoo-let's-go! speed event horse can do when suitably inspired.
  
• 9. When you're lonely, let me be your companion. Let's do lunch. Also breakfast, dinner, and snacks.
  
• 10. When you're tired, don't forget the 600 pounds of grain that need to be unloaded.
  
• 11. When you're feeling financially secure, let me teach you the meaning of "veterinary services, additional."
  

[The Doctor]

Rummy! I just saw your Minnesota joke. I love it!

"Hello? Funeral home?"

"Yes?"

"Yah, it's Ole. My wife Lena up and died."

"Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. We'll send someone right away to pick up the body. Where do you live?"

"At de end of Eucalyptus Drive, y'know."

"Can you spell that for me?"

"How's 'bout if I drag her over ta Oak Street and you pick her up der?"

[CaptainBloodscalp]

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN GOLF BUT AREN'T

10. Nuts...my shaft is bent.

9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

7. Look at the size of his putter.

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.

1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.

[Rumba Rue]

For all you horse enthusiasts -

Lessons From Your Horse

• 1. When you're tense, let me teach you that there are lions in the woods, and we need to leave. NOW!!
   
  
• 2. When you're short tempered, let me teach you how to slog around the pasture for an hour before you catch me.
   
  
• 3. When you're short-sighted, let me teach you to figure out where, exactly, in 40 acres I'm hiding.
   
  
• 4. When you're quick to react, let me teach you that herbivores kick much faster than omnivores.
   
  
• 5. When you're worried, let me entertain you with my mystery lameness.
   
  
• 6. When you feel superior, let me teach you that, mostly, you're the maid service.
   
  
• 7. When you're self-absorbed, let me teach you to pay attention!! (I told you about those lions in the woods...)
   
  
• 8. When you're arrogent, let me teach you what 1,200 pounds of yahoo-let's-go! speed event horse can do when suitably inspired.
   
  
• 9. When you're lonely, let me be your companion. Let's do lunch. Also breakfast, dinner, and snacks.
   
  
• 10. When you're tired, don't forget the 600 pounds of grain that need to be unloaded.
   
  
• 11. When you're feeling financially secure, let me teach you the meaning of "veterinary services, additional."
  

Man do I know that one! Yep that last one is the best! Been there done that. Funny funny funny!

I'd like to add to that:

Horse horrors:

Let me show you what a fraidy cat I am and then see how fast I run laughing all the way

Let me show you how bumpy I can make your ride in the show ring

Let me pull all my alfalfa out of the feeder and throw it in the mud demanding better quality

Let me see you eat one of those hard little alfalfa bricks that are called cubes

Let me blow myself up when you're saddling me so you can't tighten the cinch. And if you kick me in the side, I'll make your life a living hell.

[The Doctor]

I know that last one! Apollo, the Incredible Inflating Horse! You start to tighten the cinch, and you can see his nostrils flare! We have to saddle him, get the cinch tight enough for the saddle to stay put, then walk him out to the arena or warm-up pen. By then, he's gotten distracted and you can get the cinch nice and snug. I don't know how many times Janelle's threatened to paint "Goodyear" on his side!

[CaptainBloodscalp]

The Redneck Entertainment Challenge

1 Point: You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.

1 Point: The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.

1 Point: You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.

1 Point: You go to the stock car races and don't need a program. (Double Points: Cars & Entertainment = 2 total)

5 Points: You took a fishing pole to Sea World.

5 Points: You buy two CB radios so you can talk to yourself.

5 Points: You've been too drunk to fish. (Double Points: Booze & Entertainment = 10 total)

5 Points: You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment. (Double Points: Alcohol & Entertainment = 10 total) 10 Points: You celebrate Groundhog Day (cause ya believe in it!!) 10 Points: You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".

20 Points: You win the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".

Clyde Calpepper, holder of the top score (75 points) in this category, has wide ranging interests: Conrad Twitty, wrestling, and stock car racing to name a few. For winning the Groundhog Day Spittin’ Contest last year, he received 2 C.B.s, a bug-zapper, a year’s supply of beer and a trip to Sea World. Clyde says, “Ah bean too drunk ta walk, but dis was da first time I ever bean too drunk ta fish. Else ah wooda got me one of dem Or-a-kin fish

[Rummy3]

Carmen~

A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an

attractive woman standing alone. He approached her

and asked her name.

"My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family

name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It

reflects the things I like most ----- cars and men."

"What's your name?" she asked.

"Beertits," he said.

[CaptainBloodscalp]

Good one Rummy3!

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in ATLANTA. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings...It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"

Jim says,"I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well there's just one thing..."

"What's that?"

"Have you farted yet?"

"No....."

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!!!"

[Christine]

The Pastor

There was a Pastor whose wife was expecting a baby so he went to the

congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and

discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the Pastor's family

expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get

expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to

discuss the Pastor's salary. There was much yelling and bickering

about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the

church.

Finally, the Pastor stood up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a

gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail

voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of

it, we wear rubbers." And the congregation said, "Amen"

[CaptainBloodscalp]

Good Old Sayings...

Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who farts in church sits in own pew.

Crowded elevator smells different to midget.

[Merrydeath]

Two Alligators

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near Washington,DC.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you kin be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big 'gator, What you been eatin' boy?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'gator.

"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"

"Down 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"

"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the manure out of 'em, and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the manure out of a Politician, there ain't nothin' left but the hind quarters and a briefcase."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Child Rearing FAQ

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?

A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?

A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?

A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?

A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?

A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.

A: So what's your question?

Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?

A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).

[Captain_Jack_Sparrow]

Three Brothers Immigrate from Italy in hopes of a better life in America. Sadly they only know enough English to ask for the Restroom. So they decide to Take an English Class at the local Community College.

They go through their classes doing very well, until one day the professor informs them that they will be taking an oral pop quiz that day.

The teacher asks of the class, "Who can tell me what Easter is?"

The First brother stands up and says, "I will tell you. Easter is the beautiful day that we celebrate Christ's Birth. And you put the Presents under the tree and Santa comes with presents for the children!"

The Professor says, "Im sorry thats not right Im going to have to give you an F"

The Second brother stands up and says, "I am sorry my brother. he is not so smart. I'll Tell you what easter is. Easter is the Day we give thanks for all of the wonderful things given to us throughout the year, with the turkey and the cranberries~"

The professor cuts him off, informing him that he too will be given an F.

The Third Brother Gracefully stands to his feet and says, "I am so sorry for my two brothers. they are not so smart. I will tell you what Easter is.

Easter is the day we Celebrate the Lord Jesus Christ rising from the grave 3 days after dieing on the Cross...

But if he see's his shadow we will have 6 more weeks of winter!"

[Christine]

I'm fine!

>

>

>A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking

>company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.

>

>Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine" asked the

>lawyer?

>

>Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just

>loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

>

>"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted.

>

>"Just answer the question? Did you not say, at the scene of the

>accident, "I'm fine!"?

>

>Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was

>driving down the road...."

>

>The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to

establish

>the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway

>Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after

>the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.

>

>Please tell him to simply answer the question."

>

>By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and

said

>to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite

>mule, Bessie".

>

>Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had

just

>loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her

>down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop

sign

>and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch

and

>Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't

>want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I

>knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the

>accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie

>moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her,

he

>took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

>

>Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me,

and

>said "How are you feeling?" Now what the hell would you say?"

[CaptainBloodscalp]

The Captain

Observing a light across the water,

the captain had his signalman instruct the other vessel to change her course ten degrees south.

The response was prompt:

Change your course ten degrees north."

"I am a captain," he responded testily.

"Change your course ten degrees south."

The reply: "I'm a seaman first class--change your course north."

The captain was furious.

"Change your course now.

I'm on a battleship."

"Change your course ten degrees north, sir--

I'm in a lighthouse!"

[Biker]

After a night of drinking, Jack crept into bed beside his wife

Ann who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek

and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing

at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who

the hell are you?" demanded Jack, "and what are you doing in

my bedroom?"

The mysterious man answered, "This isn't your bedroom. I'm St.

Peter."

Jack was stunned, "You mean I'm dead! That can't be! I have so

much left to do. I haven't even had a chance to say goodbye to

my family. You've got to send me back right away."

St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a

catch--we can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Jack was devasted, but knowing they were

far from

his house he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light

later and he was covered in feathers and clucking around

pecking the ground.

"This ain't so bad," he thought until he felt this strange

feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new

hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad," replies Jack, "but I have this strange

feeling inside like I'm about to explode."

You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've

never laid an egg before."

"Never," replied Jack.

"Well just relax and let it happen."

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds an egg

popped out. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and

his emotions got the better of him as he experienced

motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg,

the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that

being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had ever

happened to him!

The joy kept coming, and as he was just about to lay his

third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head

and heard his wife shouting, "Jack, wake up you drunken

bastard! You're shitting all over the bed."

[Merrydeath]

LOL.. that is just so wrong.. but funny.

[CaptainBloodscalp]

TAXED AGAIN.

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, those turkeys deducted $95.00 in taxes.

[Barbados Sam]

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway

when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a

handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15

minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another

handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old

lady, " Why then don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth," she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate coatings."

[Biker]

A Plan to save bankrupt airlines:

Replace all female flight attendants with some good-looking strippers!

What the hell? The attendants have gotten old and haggard looking.

They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would double, triple, perhaps quadruple the alcohol

consumption and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of

course, every heterosexual businessman in this country would start

flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked

women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt and the airline

industry would see record revenues.

Why the hell didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do

everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

[Christine]

Peter met Sharon in a nightclub.

They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Peter to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other. After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Peter's manhood.

Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more already?"

Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and miss the days when I had mine."