jokes

[Biker]

...I'm afraid I already have!

Can I buy you a drink?

[Merrydeath]

if a wench works at Hooters, where does a pirate work??

IHOP

[Barbados Sam]

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be the Man of Your House."

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a

finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know that I

am the man of this house and my word is law!

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess."

[Merrydeath]

What does it mean when your husband is moaning in your bed???

you aren't holding the pillow on his face hard enough.

[Rummy3]

Cowboy Boots

Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!

A Texas teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his

cowboy boots. He'd asked for help and she could see why...even with her pulling

and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, by the

time the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong

feet." She looked and, sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the

boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together

they worked to get the boots back on -- this time on the correct feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't

you say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him

pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. Just about the time the boots came off,

he added, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up any

grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots back on his feet yet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

Her trial starts next month.

[Barbados Sam]

UNIONS

A dedicated union steel worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off

down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam

responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules." The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam.

Then she gestured to a 72-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 53 years seniority and she's next."

[Rummy3]

good one Barbados sam! OK, here's some more Irish Humor...

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important

> meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

>

> Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a

> parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and

> give up me

> Irish Whiskey".

>

> Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

>

> Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

[Capt. Bo of the WTF co.]

A local church had been losing members, and so decided to go on a recruiting drive to boost the numbers.

The Elders appointed one of the Deacons as their ambassador, and so he set out in search of new members.

Now this was a fundamentalist church with some strict principles and hardline views, so the task was difficult at best for the Deacon, as one of the most important requiorements of membership was that new members must abstain from sex for two weeks before being approved for membership.

Well, the Deacon finally got three couples interested in the church and they all agreed to the task.

Aty the end of the two weeks, the Deacon went out to meet with the couples to find out the results.

He approached the first couple, who were in their seventies, and aked them how it went...

Well, said the man, at our age sex isn't much of an issue, so we had no problems at all.

Very good! Welcome to the church! says the Deacon.

And on to the second couple, who were in their mid-forties, asked them the same...

Well, there were some difficult moments, but as we are mature enough to abide by our obligations, we managed to make it through sccessfully.

Very good! Welcome to the church! says the Deacon.

And on to the final couple, who were in their early twenties, asking them again the same...how did you do?

The young couple bowed their heads in obvious shame and the young man began to speak...

Well Deacon, we did OK until yesterday. You see, my wife was wearing her really short shorts, and a very tight tube top, and when she bent over to pick up something she dropped, I lost it and we did it right then and there.

WELL! said the Deacon... and very indignantly informed them..You are NOT welcome in the church!

The young woman spoke up and said... I'm not suprised, we're not welcome at the supermarket either!

Capt. Bo

[cap'n no-beard]

A blonde is driving down the motorway and sees another blonde sat in a boat, in a field furiously trying to row to the edge of the field, infuriated by this sight the blonde pulls her car over and shouts over to the blonde in the boat 'what the hell do you think your doing??? its people like you you give blondes a bad name, if i could swim i'd come over there and kick ur ass!'

[cap'n no-beard]

what did the retarded wheel-chair-bound child get for christmas???

cancer

[cap'n no-beard]

whats the only part of a vegetable you can't eat???

the wheelchair

[cap'n no-beard]

why is a waist called a waist?

its a waste cuz u could fit another pair of tits there

[cap'n no-beard]

An 18 year old virgin is on a plane home from her holiday when suddenly the pilot comes onto the intercom and says 'ladies and gentlemen, we have lost both engines and are going to crash land, say goodbye to your loved ones as this is the last chance you will have to speak to them.' hearing this the woman jumps up and screams 'ive never had sex but i dont want to die a virgin, can anyone make me feel like a woman before i die??' hearing this the pilot busts out of the cockpit, rips off his shirt and says 'here love, iron this'

[cap'n no-beard]

ok these aren't jokes there more observations but i hope u find em funny anyway.

i was flicking through the tv channels and i came across a programe with a scary looking televangelist was asking people from the audience if they had had any religious experinces, eventually a woman stood up and was asked to come on to the stage and share her story, she then revealed a story of when she was walking along the side of a cliff when she slipped and was convinced she was going to die when she felt a hand reach out and grab her and pull her back and when she looked around and saw no-one there she was convinced it was a guardian angel who had saved her from death... now it might be just me but i dont think if there was an angel who saved her it obviously didnt actually like her if it saved her cuz it didnt want her to die and come to heaven!!

the other one is also based around religion.

my aunt is a die-hard born again christain and is always trying to convince me god does exist, one day she was giving me her usuall speech when i exploded and shouted 'god does not exist! there is no actual evidence or any kind of proof!!' she clamly replied saying 'there may be no proof god exists but u cant show me oxygen, if u can prove oxygen exists i'll prove god exists'

so i asphyxiated her

[cap'n no-beard]

George Bush

ok so thats not strictly a joke but just mentiong him always makes me laugh

[cap'n no-beard]

Why is Dolly Parton jealous of Washington D.C.?

It has two of the biggest boobs in the world -

Bush & Dick

[cap'n no-beard]

What's the difference George Bush and a chimpanzee?

One has the mental abilities of a human child and the other likes to eat bananas.

[cap'n no-beard]

Why will they bury George Bush face down?

So he can see where he is going.

[cap'n no-beard]

What do you get when you cross James Dean with George Bush?

A rebel without a clue.

[cap'n no-beard]

O.K. so theres alot of satirical material in there but in all honesty i really love bush... i just cant stand george dubya!

im sorry i just couldn't help myself

[Barbados Sam]

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the

bottom for the result. This is not a trick question.

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a man she didn't know. She thought this guy was amazing, so much her dream guy, that she believed him to be just that! She fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and couldn't find him. A few days later she killed her sister.

Question: What is her motive in killing her sister? (Give this some thought before you answer).

SCROLL DOWN.

SCROLL DOWN.

Answer: She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same

mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly.

[Capt. Bo of the WTF co.]

We... the voices in my head... held a conference and decided she's definitely one of US!!! :) ( ...is that you Sybil? Is this me?)

Capt. Bo.....I think!?!

[Biker]

A group of men go upi nto the mountains to go bear hunting. The first morning out, the one man named Bill, goes out on his own. He comes to a clearing on a hill overlooking a field and sees a bear slowly strolling across the field. He gets the bear in his sites and fires. He then looks all around, but he can't find the bear.

All of a sudden, he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around, and there's the bear. The bear knocks the gun out of his hands, and Bill stands there shaking in his boots.

The bear yells at him, saying he's sick and tired of being shot at and gives Bill an ultimatum. The bear tells him, that either he can drop to his knees and blow him, or the bear will eat his face.

Bill immediately drops to his knees and obliges the bear. The bear walks away contented and Bill finds his way back to the cabin.

The next morning, Bill takes an even bigger gun with him, and goes to the same place he saw the bear before. And sure enough, there was the bear strolling across the field again. Bill gets all excited, as he gets the bear in his sites and he shoots! He looks all around, no bear. All of a sudden he feels a tap on his shoulder again. He turns around, and surprise, there's the bear. The bear looks at, knocks the gun out of his hand and says, "You know the routine."

Bill drops to his knees and obliges the bear again. When he's done, the bear walks away smoking a cigarette and Bill stumbles back to the cabin.

The following day Bill is all pissed off now. He grabs the biggest gun he can find and heads to the same spot again. And sure enough, there is the bear strolling across the field once again. He gets the bear in his sites, and says to himself, "Now this bear is going to fuckin' get it!" He pulls the trigger and "Ka-boom!" He looks around again, but no bear. Then , just as before, he feels the same tap at his shoulder. He turns around, there's the bear standing there with a big smirk on his face. He looks down at Bill and says, "You're not in this for the hunting are you?"

[Barbados Sam]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car

and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the

policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,

"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

[Barbados Sam]

More pearls o' wisdom from Barbados Sam....

31. I took an IQ test and it came back negative.

32. OK, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

33. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

34. Be nice to your children. They'll be chosing your nursing home.

35. DNA = National Dyslexic Association

36. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

37. How much deeper would the ocean be without sea sponges?

38. Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

39. DARE to keep cops off donuts.

40. Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.