jokes

[Merrydeath]

thank you thank you.. I now have a drink to ask for at the bars.. and a smile..

[Barbados Sam]

Do a few of these ring a bell with you?

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila®.

Tequila® is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila® can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Tequila® almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila®.

Tequila® may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila®. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, ###### lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night

rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Tequila®: Leave Shyness Behind!

[Dead_Men_Tell_No_Tales]

Three pirates had a bit 'o' bad luck and were drifting aimlessly at sea after their ship went down and were near death. Suddenly a bottle floated up beside the boat and one of the pirates snatched it up thinking it was rum. Upon opening the bottle a genie came out in a plume of blue smoke. "I am the genie of the sea" said he, and for freeing me I will grant each of you a wish.

The first pirate cried out, "I wish I were in Tortuga and rich".... *poof* he disappeared and reappeared in tortuga, filthy rich.

The second pirate cried out "I wish I were in Tortuga also, and rich"...

*poof*.... same thing.

"And now for your wish", said the genie to the third pirate.

"Well.... it sure is lonely here in this boat now that my two mates are gone.... I sure wish they was back here with me".

[Barbados Sam]

You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one...

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening.

They turned on a night light, turned on the phone answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.

They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long", he says as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cabdriver hit a parked car...

[Patrick Hand]

I stole this from the blackpowder group.....

Top Ten reasons why Men prefer guns over Women

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN

[Merrydeath]

you can use blanks for the gun and no one minds...

but then again, a gun won't curl your toes and make you do (huuuuuuh)

[Jonathan Hawks]

But shooting blanks isnt good either.

[Merrydeath]

it is when you don't want to be a POP gun..

[Barbados Sam]

[Rumba Rue]

Patrick, this is my answer to your gun post:

Nine out of ten men who have tried camels, prefer women.

[Rummy3]

A MAN ESCAPES FROM PRISON WHERE HE HAS BEEN FOR 15 YEARS.

HE BREAKS INTO A HOUSE TO LOOK FOR MONEY AND GUNS; HE

FINDS A YOUNG COUPLE IN BED.

HE ORDERS THE GUY OUT OF BED AND TIES HIM TO A CHAIR.

WHILE TYING THE GIRL TO THE BED HE GETS ON TOP OF HER,

KISSES HER NECK,

THEN GETS UP AND GOES INTO THE BATHROOM.

WHILE HE'S IN THERE, THE HUSBAND TELLS HIS WIFE:

"LISTEN, THIS GUY'S AN ESCAPED CONVICT, LOOK AT HIS CLOTHES!

HE PROBABLY SPENT LOTS OF TIME IN PRISON AND HASN'T SEEN

A WOMAN IN YEARS.

I SAW HOW HE KISSED YOUR NECK.

IF HE WANTS SEX, DON'T RESIST, DON'T COMPLAIN; DO

WHATEVER HE TELLS YOU.

SATISFY HIM NO MATTER HOW MUCH HE NAUSEATES YOU.

THIS GUY IS PROBABLY VERY DANGEROUS.

IF HE GETS ANGRY, HE'LL KILL US.

BE STRONG, HONEY. I LOVE YOU"

TO WHICH THE WIFE RESPONDS:

"HE WASN'T KISSING MY NECK. HE WAS

WHISPERING IN MY EAR.

HE TOLD ME HE WAS GAY, THOUGHT YOU WERE CUTE,

AND ASKED IF WE HAD ANY VASELINE.

I TOLD HIM IT WAS IN THE BATHROOM.

BE STRONG HONEY. I LOVE YOU TOO!!"

[Rumba Rue]

ROTFLMAF!

[Leatherneck]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in Vietnam and his plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't fuck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

[Pirate Petee]

[Rummy3]

hey! I think I used to date him~

[Biker]

rejected titles for brokeback mountain

10. "Not-That-There's-Anything-Wrong-With-That Mountain"

9. "How The West Was Hung"

8. "Little Bathhouse on the Prairie"

7. "For a Few Dollars More We Can Make It a Threesome"

6. "Go West, Young Man...Now South..A Little More To The South... Oh God, Yes! Right There!"

5. "Clint Eastwood's Nightmare"

4. "The Good, The Bad and The Fabulous!"

3. "Broke My Back Mounting Him"

2. "Oklahomo"

1. "Fun With Dick In James"

__________________

[Biker]

A fire fighter is working outside the station when he notices a little

girl in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides, a garden

hose coiled in the middle, and wearing a fire fighter's helmet.

The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter

takes closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter

says with admiration.

"Thanks," the girl says.

The fire fighter notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's

collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how

to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's

collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right,

[Biker]

knock knock

whos there?

little boy blue

little boy blue who?

Michael Jackson

[Biker]

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness. After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood..... big, stately residences.. no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all.........

NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

&nb! sp;

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness's. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know." "I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie..."Just follow me". He leads him to a "Back delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away SIR, anywhere you want." The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen... manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is gre! atly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call "British Hospitality?"

"No sir," replied the Bobbie.. "that is what we call the French Embassy."

[Rummy3]

Ireland Declares War on France

Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when

his

telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy

Down

at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you

that we are officially declaring war on ye!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How

big

is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is

meself,

me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts

team

from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my

army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is

still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor,"

answers Paddy.

Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks

and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army

to

150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is

still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified

Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the

cockpit, and four boyos from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as

well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must

tell

you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My

military

bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites.

And

since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you

back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o'the mornin', Mr.

Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the

war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden

change

of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few jars of Guinness,

and

decided there is no fostering way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."

[Diego Santana de la Vega]

that is funny

[Biker]

asain comic

[Rummy3]

OMG Biker! That made me laugh out loud!

Q. How do you get a redhead's mood to change?

A. Wait 10 seconds

[Biker]

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below:

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

[bailang]

A couple o' sea farin' lads are sittin' in a pub, havin' a few pints, tellin' yarns to each other about their time at sea...

In walks a man with an eyepatch, a hook and a peg leg.

He bellys up to the bar and sit next to these two lads.

Curiosity gets the best o' them, so one o' them leans o'er n' asks,

"Oy Mate, 'ow'd ye get the pine drumstick?"

The old salt looks them up an' down with his one eye,

"Oh, this 'ere wooden leg? Well we was out in a gale an' the mizzen boom parted wi' the mast an' crushed me leg..."

Th' two lads nod, "'Ere's ta yer leg!" and they all down a pint.

a short while later the other lad leans o'er an asks,

"So, wot 'appened ta yer 'and?"

An' the old salt loks 'em up 'n down again an' proudly says,

"We was bein' boarded, an' before I's able ta run thru me opponent, 'e chopped me 'and off, but 'e's dead, n' I's still 'ere..."

Again the lads nod in approval, "To yer 'and!" and they all down a pint.

Again a short time passes and the lads curiosity get the best o' them, one o' them leans o'er an' asks,

"Right, then, Wot 'appened ta yer peeper?"

And again the old salt looks 'em up n' down, then sheepihly says,

"Oh tha', me eye..... well..... a seagull pooped in it...."

The two lads look at him, then at each other, then exclaim,

" A seagull pooped in yer eye?"

The old salt, turnin' red suddenly blurts out,

"Well, it were me first day wi' th' hook....."

Slainte!

ouch