jokes

[Diego Santana de la Vega]

there jet is full. it's four hundred miles from its destination, Houston. It's coming from South America and the captainrealizes the calculations on gas use and auxillary tanks aren't going to get them back. he shuts of two of the giant turbine jets. after recalculating he is three miles short still. He announces: "Ladies and gentlemen, you probably noticed we shut down two of our propution jets this was done to save fuel as my calculations leads me to think we won't make land safely now after this effort we still fall short of our destinationI will need ten of the strongest and biggest men to assist in throwing cargo and luggage from the jet please follow the attendants" twenty men jump too, they all get below open a rear hatch and start dropping the cargos entirely. Completed they return. The captian again on the speakers says: "we are one mile short are there any volunteers to jump and a tall and thin Englishman jumps up runs to the door opens it yelling God save the queen as he jumps, not to be outdone this French man too jumps and says Viva La France. A stocky man in a cowboy hat walks to the rear of the plane grabs this 300 pound mexican by his nose and ass and walks him up to the door and throws him out....

Turns brushes his hands off and says: Remember the damn Alamo

[Barbados Sam]

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a

sex shop.

Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk:

"Dooo youuuu hhave ddiiiiilllldooos?" The clerk, politely trying not to

burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildoss. Actually we carry many different models.

"The old woman then asks: "Dddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lloooong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss ththiickk that Vvvviiiibbbbrrrraaaates?"

The clerk responds, "Yes we do." The poor old lady replies,"Ddddooo

yyoooouuuu knnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe fffuuccckkkinggg ttthingggg ooffffffffff?!?!?!?!

[Rummy3]

Getting Old :

The cardiologist's diet:

if it tastes good, spit it out.

Maybe it's true that life begins at sixty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.

You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

Old age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the damndest time for a guy to get those odds?

You know you're getting on in years

when the girls at the office start confiding in you.

Old age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,

he's too old to go anywhere.

Old age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

Of course I'm against sin; I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy.

Billy Graham has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends. What must hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?

A man has reached old age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

Being a senior adult is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

You know you're into old age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

[Rummy3]

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still

a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to

temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is

it

still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our

faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the

temptations of the flesh?

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke

with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for

about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

[Kendra The Sea Maid]

A woman was walking along the beach and she found a lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and a Genie popped out saying, "I will grant you 3 wishes!" She thought for a moment and said, "I want a million dollars!" *Poof* A million Dollars!

"Next I want I big beautiful house!" *Poof* She got a big beautiful house

" I would like you to turn my cat into a handsome man! *poof* and there before her eyes stood the most hansome man she had ever seen!

She then turned to the man and said, " I have everything I could ever want, a millon dollars, and this big beautiful house. Now I want you to take me upstairs and make mad passionate love to me!"

With that, the man said, "Well. . .you should have thought of that before you had me fixed!"

[Patrick Hand]

Noah in 2005

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.

They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

[Merrydeath]

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the c orrect aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton

balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday,

I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,

and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling

papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own ..so does she.

-------------------------------------------------------

A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club.

One day she goes up and knocks on the club's door.

A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door.

She announces, " I want to join your club."

The biker is amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join.

He asks, " Do you have a motorcycle?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep

The little old lady replies, "Yep ... my bike's parked over there," and points to a Harley in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep ... like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."

The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep...smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs a day and a couple of cigars in the evening when I'm

shootin' pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question. Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and replies,

"Nope...but I've been swung around by the nipples once or twice."

[Barbados Sam]

The Pope is visiting Washington, D.C., and President Bush takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac , sailing on the Presidential yacht, the Sequoia. They're admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water.

Secret Service guys start to launch a boat, but President Bush waves them off, saying, "Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry."Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over picks it up, then walks back to the yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.

The next morning, the headlines in the New York Times, Boston Globe, Atlanta Constitution, Washington Post, Boston Herald, Buffalo News, Houston Chronicle, Milwaukee Sentinel-Journal, Minneapolis Tribune, Denver Post, Albuquerque Journal, Los Angeles Times and San Francisco Chronicle all proclaim:

"Bush Can't Swim!"

[Biker]

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her.... "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my backyard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game; a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" "So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say: "$20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."

[Patrick Hand]

ethics question

This test only has the one question, but it's a very important one. By

giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The

test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

You are in Florida; Miami be specific. There is chaos all around you

caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical

proportions.

You are a photo journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're

caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and

people swirling around you...some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer...

somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is.

It's George W. Bush!

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take

him under ... forever

You have the two options:

1. You can save the life of G.W.Bush,

or

2. You can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men.

So here's the question, and please give an honest answer:

Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the

classic simplicity of black and white?

[Barbados Sam]

Kris walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:

"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a

sheep, you idiot."

The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

[Biker]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed; then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. "Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the

cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,

"Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!"

****

Two terrorists are chatting. One of them opens his wallet and flips through pictures.

"you see, this is my oldest. He's a martyr. Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too."

The second terrorist says, gently,

"Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"

[Biker]

Farmer Steve lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the

>traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and

>so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a

>day.

>

>So one day Farmer Steve called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got

>to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all

>of my chickens."

>

>"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

>

>"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

>

>So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that

>said:

>

>SLOW:

>

>SCHOOL CROSSING

>

>Three days later Farmer Steve called the sheriff and said, "You've got to

>do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make

>them go even faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers

>and they put up a new sign:

>

>SLOW:

>

>CHILDREN AT PLAY

>

>

>That really sped them up. So Farmer Steve called and called and called

>every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are

>doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

>

>The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to

>let the Farmer Steve do just about anything in order to get him to stop

>calling everyday to complain. The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer

>Steve. Three weeks later, curiosity go the best of the sheriff and he

>decided to give Farmer Steve a call.

>

>"How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"

>

>"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got

>to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.

>

>The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better

>go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE

>could use to slow down drivers..."

>

>So the sheriff drove out to Farmer Steve's house, and his jaw dropped the

>moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

>

>

>NUDIST COLONY

>

>Go slow and watch out for the chicks

[Biker]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One

wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her

horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh My God! Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover, "and

jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath

the sheets. "It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.

"He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the

least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the

window! As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he

quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's

annual marathon.

So he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in"

as best he could. It wasn't that effective!

After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying

him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh, yes!" he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free

having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."

Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your

clothes with you under your arm?"

"Oh, yes!" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get

dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you

always wear a condom when you run?"

"Only when it's raining," he replied.

[Biker]

this is bad.

[Biker]

Little Margie usually slept through the class. One

day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she

was napping, "Tell me, Margie, who created the

universe?"

When Margie didn't stir, Little Johnny, who was

seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and

jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Margie.

The Nun said, "Very good" and Margie fell back

asleep.

A while later the Nun asked Margie, "Who is our

Lord and Savior?"

Margie didn't even stir from her slumber.

Once again, little Johnny came to the rescue and

stuck her again.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Margie.

The Nun said, "Very Good" and Margie fell back

asleep.

Then the Nun asked Margie a third question. "What

did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third

child?"

Again Margie didn't s tir and Johnny came to the

rescue.

This time Margie jumped up and shouted, "If you

stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll

break it in half!"

The Nun fainted.

[Biker]

Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

A. Ask your mother.

Q. How do you embarrass an archeologist?

A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

A. Wiped his ass.

Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?

A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?

A. A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

Q. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?

A. Spitting, swallowing and gargling

Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job?

A. You know she'll swallow.

Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?

A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.

Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?

A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.'

Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?

A. Same thing as a "quickie,"only you do it yourself.

Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?

A. No one to talk to during orgasm.

Q. What do you call a smart blonde?

A. A golden retriever.

Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?

A. A mechanic!

Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?

A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!

Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse?

A. The one with the dirty knees.

Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A. A battery has a positive side.

Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade:Who has the biggest tits?

A. The blonde, because she's 18.

Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?

A. Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.

Q. The three words most hated by men during sex?

A. "Are you In?" or "Is It In?"

Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sex

A. "Honey, I'm home!"

Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?

A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

Q. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?

A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.

Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?

A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went..

Q. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep.

A. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

Q. How can you tell a macho women?

A. She rolls her own tampons.

Q: What's the leading cause of death among lesbians?

A: Hair balls.

Q: What's good on a pizza, but bad on a pussy?

A: Crust.

[Biker]

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The

frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3

wishes."

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to

mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish

for,

your husband will get 10 times more of what you wish for or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to

be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your

husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock

to."

The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful

woman and he will only have eyes for me."

So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and

he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said,

"That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."

So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a

mild heart attack."

Moral of the story:

Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them.

[Biker]

The Top 10 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.

9. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter

the trailer park."

8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.

7. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

6. Only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is "an apple a day."

5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill

last month.

4. "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.

3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.

2. With your last HMO, your Prozac didn't come in different colors with

little "m"s on them.

And Number 1 Sign You've Joined a Cheap HMO...

1. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape

[Biker]

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold,

blustery January day.

The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold."

The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will

warm them up."

So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend, and he said, "My

hands are freezing cold."

The daughter replied, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up."

The next day, the boyfriend was again driving in the buggy with the

daughter.

He said, "My nose is freezing cold."

The daughter replied, "Put it between my legs. It will warm up."

He did, and his nose warmed up.

The next day, the boyfriend was once again driving with the daughter and

he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and

she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"

The slightly concerned mother says, "Sure, why do you ask?"

The daughter says, "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they defrost!"

[Biker]

mental disorders for the holidaze

SCHIZOPHRENIA:

Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:

We Three Queens Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA:

I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas

NARCISSISTIC:

Hark! The Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC:

Deck The Halls and Walls and House and Lawn

and Streets and Stores and Office and Town

and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and

Fire Hydrants and . . .

PARANOID:

Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me

PERSONALITY DISORDER:

You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry,

I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

.........(better start again)

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY:

On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me

(and then took it all away).

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:

Thoughts of Roasting On An Open Fire

SADISTIC PERSONALITY:

I Saw Mommy Spanking Santa Claus

[Biker]

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St.

Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most

awful blood-curdling screams. "Don't worry about that," says St.

Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder

blades for wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the

conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams

Oh my God, "says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to

worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit

the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't

go there, "says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."

"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for

that !"

[Biker]

A woman and her boyfriend are out for New Years having a few drinks.

While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts

talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it

the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend

into having one.

After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The

bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- a salt

shaker, a shot of Baileys and a shot of lime juice.

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.

"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the

shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the

lime juice."

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He

puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot of

Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK.

Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it .... in one second

the sharp lime taste hits... at two seconds the Baileys curdles... at

three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits. This triggers his

gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his

girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally chokes it

down he turns to his girlfriend.

She smiles widely at him and says, "So, how did you like it? It's

called 'Blow Job's Revenge.'"

[Barbados Sam]

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a

young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a

chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets

on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen,

this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably

spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw

how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't

complain do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he

nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets

angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in

my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we

had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey.

I love you.

[Biker]

There was this man sitting at the bar having a beer. His body was very muscular. Broad shoulders, muscular arms and legs, but he had a small head. The bartender was dying to ask him why his head was so small and yet his body was fully developed. So after the man downed a couple of drinks the bartender then asked him why his head was so small.

The man began to tell his story to the bartender. He told him he was a fisherman, the one who throws out the net and reels it in. Hence, his muscular built.

One day, he was doing his job when he noticed his net was heavier than usual. The fisherman looked inside and saw a mermaid. Now he knows that mermaids have the ability to grant wishes so he decided to let her go so he could have a wish granted. After he let the mermaid into the water she turned to the fisherman and said, "For letting me go, I'll grant you any wish you want." The fisherman, being out at sea for several days yells out to her, "Hey, how about a little head?"