Barbados Sam Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 Here's one fer all ye current an' former Marine pyrates.. U.S. Marines are always taught: 1) Keep your priorities in order; and 2) Know when to act without hesitation. A U.S. Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an a vowed atheist and a member of the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU). One day he shocked the class when he came in, looked to the ceiling, and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the MARINE got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The MARINE went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the MARINE and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?" The MARINE calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an asshole. So He sent me! " "There be the chest, inside be the gold, we took them all. Spent them and traded them. We frittered them away on drink and food and pleasurable company. The more we gave them away, the more we came to realize... the drink would not satisfy, food turned to ash in our mouths, and all the pleasurable company in the world could not slake our lust. We are cursed men....Compelled by greed we were, and now we are consumed by it."
Barbados Sam Posted December 20, 2005 Posted December 20, 2005 A man at a tool-and-die company died today when he was hit by a tool. (George Carlin) "There be the chest, inside be the gold, we took them all. Spent them and traded them. We frittered them away on drink and food and pleasurable company. The more we gave them away, the more we came to realize... the drink would not satisfy, food turned to ash in our mouths, and all the pleasurable company in the world could not slake our lust. We are cursed men....Compelled by greed we were, and now we are consumed by it."
lady renee Posted December 20, 2005 Posted December 20, 2005 another pun: when good birds tern bad. a pirate's life for me(gold, rum and men).
Barbados Sam Posted December 20, 2005 Posted December 20, 2005 It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. "There be the chest, inside be the gold, we took them all. Spent them and traded them. We frittered them away on drink and food and pleasurable company. The more we gave them away, the more we came to realize... the drink would not satisfy, food turned to ash in our mouths, and all the pleasurable company in the world could not slake our lust. We are cursed men....Compelled by greed we were, and now we are consumed by it."
Patrick Hand Posted December 20, 2005 Posted December 20, 2005 "The rain falls on the just and on the unjust.... but usually it falls on the just, because the unjust stole his umbrella..."
Merrydeath Posted December 26, 2005 Posted December 26, 2005 whats the difference between rum and cat hairballs?? remind me never to drink from your bottle of rum.. Pirate Lass with sass, brass, a cutlass, an a nice *ss. Capt of the FOOLS GOLD PIRATES BLAST BREAST CANCER! GET A MAMMOGRAM AND SAVE YOUR TREASURED CHEST: http://www.myspace.c...iratesthinkpink http://www.myspace.c...oolsgoldpirates CAPT OF THE ONLY PYRITE SHIP AFLOAT: THE FOOL'S GOLD- look for us and Captain Merrydeath on facebook!
Barbados Sam Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 Thanks Rummy......now I need a nap......... "There be the chest, inside be the gold, we took them all. Spent them and traded them. We frittered them away on drink and food and pleasurable company. The more we gave them away, the more we came to realize... the drink would not satisfy, food turned to ash in our mouths, and all the pleasurable company in the world could not slake our lust. We are cursed men....Compelled by greed we were, and now we are consumed by it."
Merrydeath Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 funny but I'm wide awake.. Pirate Lass with sass, brass, a cutlass, an a nice *ss. Capt of the FOOLS GOLD PIRATES BLAST BREAST CANCER! GET A MAMMOGRAM AND SAVE YOUR TREASURED CHEST: http://www.myspace.c...iratesthinkpink http://www.myspace.c...oolsgoldpirates CAPT OF THE ONLY PYRITE SHIP AFLOAT: THE FOOL'S GOLD- look for us and Captain Merrydeath on facebook!
Barbados Sam Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 19 DEEP OBSERVATIONS ON LIFE 1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown 2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children." --Author Unknown 3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey 4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy 5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry 6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger 7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim'." --Paula Poundstone 8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." --Conan O'Brien 9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery 10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni 11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson 12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez 13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld 14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson 15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." --Oscar Wilde 16) "Suppose you were an idiot And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain 17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown 18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" --Dave Barry 19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased "There be the chest, inside be the gold, we took them all. Spent them and traded them. We frittered them away on drink and food and pleasurable company. The more we gave them away, the more we came to realize... the drink would not satisfy, food turned to ash in our mouths, and all the pleasurable company in the world could not slake our lust. We are cursed men....Compelled by greed we were, and now we are consumed by it."
Merrydeath Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 LOL.. thank you for those, Barbados Sam! Pirate Lass with sass, brass, a cutlass, an a nice *ss. Capt of the FOOLS GOLD PIRATES BLAST BREAST CANCER! GET A MAMMOGRAM AND SAVE YOUR TREASURED CHEST: http://www.myspace.c...iratesthinkpink http://www.myspace.c...oolsgoldpirates CAPT OF THE ONLY PYRITE SHIP AFLOAT: THE FOOL'S GOLD- look for us and Captain Merrydeath on facebook!
Blackfoot Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 One night a very heavy and poorly dressed woman walked into a bar and sat down amongst the men enjoying their drinks. Suddenly the woman raised her arm and yelled, "who will buy this woman a drink?" When she raised her arm, she revealed a very hairy unshaven armpit. Old Bill, a regular drunk and bar patron sitting at the end of the bar yelled, "I will! Bartender, give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the woman a drink. The woman chugged it down and slammed the glass down on the bar. Again, the woman raised her arm and yelled the same thing, "who will buy this woman another drink?" Again, old Bill yelled back, "I will! Bartender, another drink for the ballerina." Now, this happened a few more times. Finally the bartender asked Bill, "It is awfully nice you buy the drinks for the lady, but why do you call her a ballerina?" Bill replied, "any woman who can lift her leg that high must be a ballerina!" ]
ebythesea Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 har har Blackfoot! that was a good one! ** with a bow and a wave **
ebythesea Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 what do you get when you cross a mule with an onion? ........ a piece of ass that will bring a tear to yer eye ** with a bow and a wink **
Barbados Sam Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 ROE VS. WADE Ray Nagin, the mayor of New Orleans, was asked his views on Roe vs. Wade. He said he didn't care how people got back to their houses. "There be the chest, inside be the gold, we took them all. Spent them and traded them. We frittered them away on drink and food and pleasurable company. The more we gave them away, the more we came to realize... the drink would not satisfy, food turned to ash in our mouths, and all the pleasurable company in the world could not slake our lust. We are cursed men....Compelled by greed we were, and now we are consumed by it."
Diego Santana de la Vega Posted January 3, 2006 Author Posted January 3, 2006 Dating: When everything is never enough! Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a knife in your back.
tishsparrow Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 this is just some stuff I was wondering... When man discovered milk came from cows, what did he THINK he was doing? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"? who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg? Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them? Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?
ebythesea Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 what happens when you give a politician viagra?........ ................................................................................ ............................................................................he gets taller.
Barbados Sam Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 What do politicians and lesbians have in common? They both don't do dick. "There be the chest, inside be the gold, we took them all. Spent them and traded them. We frittered them away on drink and food and pleasurable company. The more we gave them away, the more we came to realize... the drink would not satisfy, food turned to ash in our mouths, and all the pleasurable company in the world could not slake our lust. We are cursed men....Compelled by greed we were, and now we are consumed by it."
Biker Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!" " Never knock on Heaven's door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that" ' Whatever is not nailed down is MINE. Whatever I can pry loose, is not nailed down."
Biker Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 passed onto me from my palestinian wife Jokes from Muslim stand-up comic Goffaq Yussef ... > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > Good evening gentlemen, and get out, ladies. > > On my flight to New York there must have been an Israeli in the > > bathroom the entire time. There was a sign on the door that said, >"Occupied." > > > > > > > > > > > > What do you say to a Muslim woman with two black eyes? Nothing! You >told >her twice already! > > > > > > > > > > How many Palestinians does it take to change a light bulb? None! They >sit >in the dark forever and blame the Jews for it! > > > > > > > > > > Did you hear about the Broadway play, "The Palestinians"? It bombed! > > > > > > > > > > What do you call a first-time offender in Saudi Arabia ? Lefty! > > Did you hear about the Muslim strip club? It features full facial >nudity! > > > > > > > > > > Why do Palestinians find it convenient to live on the West Bank ? >Because it's just a stone's throw from Israel ! > > > > > > > > Why are Palestinian boys luckier than American boys? Because every >Palestinian boy will get to join a rock group! > > > > > > > > > > > > A Palestinian suspect was being grilled by Israeli police. "Honest, I'm >not a suicide bomber," he said. "I didn't say I wanted to blow myself up >so I could sleep with 72 virgins. > > > > All I said was, 'I'm dying to get laid!'" > > > > > > > > > > > > What does the sign say above the nursery in a Palestinian maternity >ward? >"Live ammunition." > > > > > > > > > > Palestinian girl says to her mommy: "After Abdul blows himself up, can >I >have his room?" > > > > > > > > > > " Never knock on Heaven's door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that" ' Whatever is not nailed down is MINE. Whatever I can pry loose, is not nailed down."
Biker Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vital signs from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir." The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely...... "Are - my - test - results - back?" " Never knock on Heaven's door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that" ' Whatever is not nailed down is MINE. Whatever I can pry loose, is not nailed down."
Merrydeath Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 ow ow ow... don't read Biker's jokes while drinking pop.. dang. Pirate Lass with sass, brass, a cutlass, an a nice *ss. Capt of the FOOLS GOLD PIRATES BLAST BREAST CANCER! GET A MAMMOGRAM AND SAVE YOUR TREASURED CHEST: http://www.myspace.c...iratesthinkpink http://www.myspace.c...oolsgoldpirates CAPT OF THE ONLY PYRITE SHIP AFLOAT: THE FOOL'S GOLD- look for us and Captain Merrydeath on facebook!
Bunnycutlass Posted January 6, 2006 Posted January 6, 2006 So true Merry! I have a short joke... here it is.... "There is notihng wrong with sex on TV...........as long as you don't fall off!" Bunny Cutlass
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