jokes

[Diego Santana de la Vega]

is that a joke? or are you seriously puzzling over that?

Yarghhh! No Joke! Me thinks if the world is going to get serious about reduce reuse and recycle then lets make these stupid words shorter to begin with!

[Christine]

I'm all in favor of it! I'm also all for a 3-day weekend, what ye all think of it?

[Christine]

On the first day God created Dog.

God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

Dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and

I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.

On the second day God created Monkey.

God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year

life span."

Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed.

On the third day God created Cow.

God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."

Cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And

God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created Man.

God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my

twenty, and the forty Cow gave back, and the ten Monkey gave back, and the ten Dog gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves;

for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family;

for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren...

and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone!

Life has now been explained to you.

[Christine]

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, oops I mean Las Vegas:

Room Service (RS): "Morrin. ; Roon sirbees."

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"

G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

G: "What?"

RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"

G: "I don't think so."

RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bodder?"

G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."

RS: "Wad! ?"

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Excuse me?"

RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"

G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"

G: "Whatever you say."

RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."

G : "You're very welcome."

[Christine]

Mujibar was trying to get into the USA legally through Immigration.

The Immigration Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed most of the

tests, but there is one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot

enter the United States of America.

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and

Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am

ready."

The Officer said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it

up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you and works at a Verizon

help desk. I talked to him yesterday.

[Rummy3]

Nice one Christine, now here's one for you... (in black in honor of RumbaRue!)

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."

The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."

"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."

"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."

"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."

"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."

"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird shit!"

"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."

[Christine]

Yup, that's a good one-lol!

[Rummy3]

"A Wise Irishman"

An Irishman fell a hundred feet from a building site and asked if he was hurt by the fall. "Indeed not," he replied, "It wasn't the fall that hurt me at all, it was de landing."

[Christine]

Okay, I know, this is immature toilet humor, but I laughed so hard over it!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

How to Poop at work:

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is

inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, the following is the

survival guide for taking a dump at the office.

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or

forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after

you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be minimized with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it! You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a same-sex pooper entering your bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars

that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the

stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom

immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

[Rummy3]

totally hilarious - Diego needs to read this one - he has terminology that I never heard of that applies as well!

[Rummy3]

OK - next joke:

Two blondes were reading their daily newspapers and one of them sees a

headline that says:

"TWO BRAZILIAN SOLDIERS KILLED"

She thinks for a minute, and then whispers to her friend,

"Psssst.....how many is a brazilian?"

[Diego Santana de la Vega]

That is beyond blond!

[delmar]

This mouse falls into a hole and yells for help. An Elephant comes by and says I'll help ya. The elephant stands over the hole and drops his (aaa laa laa la, you know what I mean.) down the hole and the mouse runs up it to safety.

The next week the elephant falls in a hole and calls for help. The mouse looks in the hole and thinks " I can't do what you did, but I need to help".

The mouse runs home and gets all his money and then buys a porsche. He drives the porsche up to the hole and ties a rope to the bumper. He then lowers the rope and runs down it and ties the rope around the elephant. The mouse then runs back up the rope, into the porsche and pulls off...varoom!

This pulls the elephant right out of the hole.

The moral is:

If you have a big al la la la, You don't need a porsche!

Delmar

Thats why I drive a old van!!

[Rummy3]

how about this one:

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses! I

thought the results were pretty interesting:

85% of women think their ass is too fat...

10% of women think their ass is too skinny...

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and

they would have married him anyway!

[First mate Jeramiah]

So a pyrate stummbles inta a house o god early on a sunday, he seems to interupt the serman and the priest looks at him and asks him to approch the stage.

He surely does fer one doest wish to make god unhappy, the priest looks at him and tells the gathered group that he has lost Jesus, talkin about the pirate.

The priest took the pirate by the back o' the neck and dunked his head in a well o holy water fer a small bit, he pulled him up and asked

"Have you found Jesus?"

Pyrate replys "No" kinda confused.

Again the priest dunks him but hold him for a bit longer, he pulls him out and asks again "have you found Jesus?"

Again the pyrate replys "no" still confused.

Looking quite frustrated the priest grabed the pyrate and dunked him under the water and held him there for near a minute, he pulls him up and in a with mcuh passion in his voice he asks him one more time "HAVE YOU FOUND JESUS?"

Looking quite perplex the pyrate asks the priest, "you sure he fell in there?"

[Rummy3]

Here's a simple one (remember 'tis early here and my mind is relaxing!

Question: What did Captain Hook die from?

Answer: Jock Itch.

[Leatherneck]

Nice one Christine, now here's one for you... (in black in honor of RumbaRue!)

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."

The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."

"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."

"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."

"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."

"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."

"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird shit!"

"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."

That was a good one, i haven't heard that one before

[Leatherneck]

Here goes the first of many jokes!!!!

2 jews walk into a bar????

THEY BUY IT!!!!

Thank you, I'll be here all night, try the steak.

[Rummy3]

one for the weekend:

FLAT TARR (PEOPLE FROM THE SOUTH WILL UNDERSTAND THIS.)

There was this fellow from Arkansas who had a flat tire.

He pulled off on the side of the road, jumped out of his car, walked

down the hillside and picked a bunch of wildflowers, and proceeded

to put one bouquet of the flowers in front of the car and one behind it.

Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he

turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I have a flat tarr." In response the passerby asked, "But

what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they

tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did

understand it neither."

[Leatherneck]

George bush, saddam hussein, and osama bin laden are walking on the beach to decide what to do about the war between them.

As they are walking along the beach they come upon a genie lamp. Saddam picks it up as the 2 rub it and a genie pops out. The genie says" well i would normally give you 3 wishes but since there are 3 of you i will grant you each one a wish"

saddam says " i will go first since i saw it. I want all my people to live in Iraq and no one to bother us and I want 100 ft. wall around Iraq so no one can leave or come into our country. "

Then POOF!!! saddam is gone and his wish is granted.

Osama says" well thats a great idea, i want my people to live free from westernization and not be bothered. so I want a 200 ft. wall put around my country and all my people to live safe with in those walls and no one can get in or out!"

Then poof!!! Osama is gone and his wish is granted.

Bush says" wait a minute, saddam and all his people are in Iraq, and no one can get in or out?" Genie says " yes."

bush says" and Osama is back in his country and no one can get in or out of there?"

genie says " yep."

bush says" can we fill both those up with water?"

[Rummy3]

excellent! Leatherneck - you crack me up! Ok, here's one for you:

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?

So men can understand them.

[Red Jayme Flint]

i be hoping this doesnt count as a "naughty" word lol so here goes....

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your child's name is Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go home."

[Christine]

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!! Ah, good one lass!

[Cpt Thorn Ashrow]

Two (very) bad jokes for you, possibly more to the UK Markey but here goes!

Two Irishmen have taken a Safari holiday in Africa and are walking down the bank of a river taking in the sights. Ahead of them in the path is a crocodile who, has just eaten a man. All you can see is the mans head sticking out of the crocodiles mouth. As the two Irishmen approach this site. One turns to the other and says "Eh Paddy, will you look at that flash bloke in his Lacoste sleeping bag".

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are in a train compartment together and get talking to one another. The English man introduces himself "My name is George, I was born on St Georges day, so my parents named me after him"

"What a coinsdence, says the Scotsman. My name is Andrew, named after ST Andrew as I was born on his saints day"

The english man turned to the Irishman and asked "so what is your name?"

"Pancake" came the reply.

They are not the best jokes in the world but they made me laugh. An they are clean

TTFN

Thorn

[Diego Santana de la Vega]

excellent! Leatherneck - you crack me up! Ok, here's one for you:

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?

A. So men can understand them.

B. So blondes can tell them.

C. So women can repeat them to men.

D. So men can forget them.

Rummy that was originally a multiple choice joke!