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Balls to Yer Partner


Kalum

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Whilst I can't take the credit fer pennin' this here fine tune...I felt the need t' be sharin' it...so 'ere it is. Enjoy it mates...

Here be a little back story fer ya:

"This song tells of a lavish ball at the castle of Cairrigh Muir, that was sabotaged by evil-minded pranksters. It involved three crucial elements: the punch being spiked with a potent aphrodisiac; painfully itchy rose-hip seeds being thrown on the dance-floor, where they were kicked up into the ladies' undergarments; and, at a crucial and premeditated moment, all the lights in the castle being extinguished. What followed next was, by all accounts of the day, 'an orgy of sich greet magnituid, that twenty-four acres of corn wuir f***ed absolouitly flat.'" -Anonymous

Four and twenty virgins

Came down from Inverness

And when the ball was over

There were four and twenty less

Chorus: Singin' balls to your partner

Arse against the wall,

If ye never been laid on a Saturday night

Ye never been laid at all!

(Chanting, "Wank, wank, wank..." etc.)

There was screwin' in the parlor

There was screwin' on the stones

Ye couldnae hear the music

For the wheezin' and the groans

The Queen of England she was there

Backed up against the wall

"Throw yer money on the table, boys

I'm goin' tae do you all!"

James the First and Sixth was there

A sight you should've seen

He was the King of England

But he wanted to be the Queen...

Ivan Grozhniy, he was there

That awful Russian cad

The Boyars called him "Terrible"

But the ladies said "Not bad..."

The Count and Countess, they were there

A screwin' on the stair

The bannister broke, and down they fell

They finished in mid-air

The village baker he was there

And causing quite a scene

When he bent the lassies over

And he filled their buns with cream

The undertaker, he was there

He was wrapped up in his shroud

A-hangin' from the chandelier

And pissing upon the crowd

The village cripple he was there

But he could not do much

So he lined the lassies against the wall

And did 'em with his crutch

The village postman, he was there

But the poor man had the pox

He couldnae do the lassies

So he did the letterbox...

The village idiot, he was there

A sittin' by the fire

Tryin' tae "get it on"

With an India-rubber tyre

The village magician he was there

And he gave us all a laug

When he pulled his foreskin over his head

And disappeared up his arse...

When he went out next morning

The farmer nearly shat

For four-and-twenty acres of corn

Were fokkit nearly flat!

And if you think I'm wicked

Now I've sung this awful song

The original's twice as dirty

And it's fourteen times as long...

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  • 1 month later...
Oh Phil ya should...ya know they'll just love it. :huh:

Oh, they surely would...

Unfortunately, the director drilled it into our skulls today at rehearsal that, except for some slightly bawdy stuff on the beer-tent stage, it's strictly "G" rated... :huh:

...beer-tent stage, here I come... :huh:

...Qui desiderat pacem, praeparet bellum...

~ Vegetius

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Well, for one thing, I am Irish. So I actually had heard it first when I was little from records my grandmother had-lol!

Could've left it at the Irish there darlin' :ph34r:

So you actually have this tune on record?! How cool...My folks used to have a copy of it as well, but I have no idea where that got off to these days.

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Bedlam Bards: Take Out The Trash

Their's is called the " The Ball Of Ballinor "

"Take Out the Trash is fifty minutes of songs that Hawke, Cedric, and Lilly couldn't sing in front of their mothers (well, okay, not in front of Lilly's mother). Recorded deep in the recesses of the lost pines, TOT includes original songs not available anywhere else.

Parents Beware: The explicit lyrics warning is no joke, even if everything else on the album is. "

Order the CD here....

And since we be talking "BARDS" and it is one week 'till Glastonbury Faire- Oregon's first for the season!!! HUZZAH!!!

Here's one of me favorite pieces of filk by the

BROBDINGNAGIAN BARDS:

If I Had A Million Ducats

Background: Medieval parody of Barenaked Ladies song "If I Had A $1000000". Original Words and Music by Steven Page & Ed Robertson.

From: A Faire To Remember

music by Steven Page & Ed Robertson, words by Andrew McKee, Marc Gunn & Nancy e. Pearsall

If I had a million ducats (If I had a million ducats)

I'd buy you a keep (I would buy you a keep)

If I had a million ducats (If I had a million ducats)

I'd buy you furniture for your keep (Like a Louis the XIV or an armoire)

If I had a million ducats (If I had a million ducats)

I'd buy you a big coach (with all the pretty with fringe on the top)

If I had a million ducats I'd buy your love.

If I had a million ducats (We wouldn't have to hunt for our game)

If I had a million ducats (We'd hunt for sport cuz it's not the same)

If I had a million ducats (We'd have peasants grow food all around the keep)

And we'd have a big garden. (A maze garden)

With high protein-enriched food (like lentils)

And bambi and thumper playing in it.

If I had a million ducats (If I had a million ducats)

I'd buy you a fur cloak But not a woolen cloaks. That's cruel

If I had a million ducats (If I had a million ducats)

I'd buy you an exotic pet (Like a dragon or a leviathan)

If I had a million ducats (if I had a million ducats)

I'd buy a saint's remains (And all those crazy lucky saint's bones)

If I had a million ducats I'd buy your love.

If I had a million ducats (We wouldn't have to walk to the faire)

If I had a million ducats (We'd hire a knight carry us there)

If I had a million ducats (We wouldn't have to get our feel all dirty)

We wouldn't have to walk in the filth.

(We'd have people throw cloaks on the ground like for Sir Walter Raleigh)

Or even better, peasants (on all fours)

If I had a million ducats (If I had a million ducats)

I'd be you a bed (But not bed of nails. That's cruel)

If I had a million ducats (If I had a million ducats)

I'd buy you some art (a Michaelangelo or Donatello)

If I had a million ducats (If I had a million ducats)

I'd buy you a monkey (haven't you always wanted a monkey?)

If I had a million ducats, If I had a million ducats

If I had a million ducats, If I had a million ducats

We'd be kings.

:lol:

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