Kalum Posted March 9, 2005 Share Posted March 9, 2005 Whilst I can't take the credit fer pennin' this here fine tune...I felt the need t' be sharin' it...so 'ere it is. Enjoy it mates... Here be a little back story fer ya: "This song tells of a lavish ball at the castle of Cairrigh Muir, that was sabotaged by evil-minded pranksters. It involved three crucial elements: the punch being spiked with a potent aphrodisiac; painfully itchy rose-hip seeds being thrown on the dance-floor, where they were kicked up into the ladies' undergarments; and, at a crucial and premeditated moment, all the lights in the castle being extinguished. What followed next was, by all accounts of the day, 'an orgy of sich greet magnituid, that twenty-four acres of corn wuir f***ed absolouitly flat.'" -Anonymous Four and twenty virgins Came down from Inverness And when the ball was over There were four and twenty less Chorus: Singin' balls to your partner Arse against the wall, If ye never been laid on a Saturday night Ye never been laid at all! (Chanting, "Wank, wank, wank..." etc.) There was screwin' in the parlor There was screwin' on the stones Ye couldnae hear the music For the wheezin' and the groans The Queen of England she was there Backed up against the wall "Throw yer money on the table, boys I'm goin' tae do you all!" James the First and Sixth was there A sight you should've seen He was the King of England But he wanted to be the Queen... Ivan Grozhniy, he was there That awful Russian cad The Boyars called him "Terrible" But the ladies said "Not bad..." The Count and Countess, they were there A screwin' on the stair The bannister broke, and down they fell They finished in mid-air The village baker he was there And causing quite a scene When he bent the lassies over And he filled their buns with cream The undertaker, he was there He was wrapped up in his shroud A-hangin' from the chandelier And pissing upon the crowd The village cripple he was there But he could not do much So he lined the lassies against the wall And did 'em with his crutch The village postman, he was there But the poor man had the pox He couldnae do the lassies So he did the letterbox... The village idiot, he was there A sittin' by the fire Tryin' tae "get it on" With an India-rubber tyre The village magician he was there And he gave us all a laug When he pulled his foreskin over his head And disappeared up his arse... When he went out next morning The farmer nearly shat For four-and-twenty acres of corn Were fokkit nearly flat! And if you think I'm wicked Now I've sung this awful song The original's twice as dirty And it's fourteen times as long... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
queenrogue Posted March 10, 2005 Share Posted March 10, 2005 thats great. does anyone have a recording of that song? "Time Flies When Your Having RUM!!!!" "But everyone talks with a British accent when they drink." Stow Away on the Juryrig Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalum Posted March 10, 2005 Author Share Posted March 10, 2005 I'll see if I can dig one up. Someone has to have recorded it somewhere Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoshuaRed Posted March 10, 2005 Share Posted March 10, 2005 Sounds like the aristocrats joke! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain_MacNamara Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 I want to see the "original" that's twice as dirty and fourteen times as long... LOL Captain of the Iron Lotus It is the angle that holds the rope, not the size of the hole. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PyratePhil Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 LOL! Oh, what I'd give to be able to just recite that one at the Endless Mountains' Fest...maybe with a little body English thrown in... ...Qui desiderat pacem, praeparet bellum... ~ Vegetius Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cap'n Mad Eye Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 I want to see the "original" that's twice as dirty and fourteen times as long... LOL Well damn...that might take me a lil while to dig up. I know I have it somewhere round these parts Oh Phil ya should...ya know they'll just love it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PyratePhil Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 Oh Phil ya should...ya know they'll just love it. Oh, they surely would... Unfortunately, the director drilled it into our skulls today at rehearsal that, except for some slightly bawdy stuff on the beer-tent stage, it's strictly "G" rated... ...beer-tent stage, here I come... ...Qui desiderat pacem, praeparet bellum... ~ Vegetius Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christine Posted April 26, 2005 Share Posted April 26, 2005 LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Such a funny damn song! I've heard it many a time, keeps getting funnier each time tho-lol! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cap'n Mad Eye Posted April 26, 2005 Share Posted April 26, 2005 Hmmm...'eard it bef're ya have Christine? Where might ya be hearin' such songs of debauchery? The curious must know... :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christine Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 Well, for one thing, I am Irish. So I actually had heard it first when I was little from records my grandmother had-lol! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cap'n Mad Eye Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 Well, for one thing, I am Irish. So I actually had heard it first when I was little from records my grandmother had-lol! Could've left it at the Irish there darlin' So you actually have this tune on record?! How cool...My folks used to have a copy of it as well, but I have no idea where that got off to these days. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PyratePhil Posted April 28, 2005 Share Posted April 28, 2005 Google Search on Balls ...Qui desiderat pacem, praeparet bellum... ~ Vegetius Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rumba Rue Posted April 28, 2005 Share Posted April 28, 2005 leave it up to Phil to find his balls in Google... Rumba Rue **LMAF** Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PyratePhil Posted April 28, 2005 Share Posted April 28, 2005 leave it up to Phil to find his balls in Google... ...and you'd LOVE to "search within my results"... ...Qui desiderat pacem, praeparet bellum... ~ Vegetius Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lorien_stormfeather Posted April 28, 2005 Share Posted April 28, 2005 Bedlam Bards: Take Out The Trash Their's is called the " The Ball Of Ballinor " "Take Out the Trash is fifty minutes of songs that Hawke, Cedric, and Lilly couldn't sing in front of their mothers (well, okay, not in front of Lilly's mother). Recorded deep in the recesses of the lost pines, TOT includes original songs not available anywhere else. Parents Beware: The explicit lyrics warning is no joke, even if everything else on the album is. " Order the CD here.... And since we be talking "BARDS" and it is one week 'till Glastonbury Faire- Oregon's first for the season!!! HUZZAH!!! Here's one of me favorite pieces of filk by the BROBDINGNAGIAN BARDS: If I Had A Million Ducats Background: Medieval parody of Barenaked Ladies song "If I Had A $1000000". Original Words and Music by Steven Page & Ed Robertson. From: A Faire To Remember music by Steven Page & Ed Robertson, words by Andrew McKee, Marc Gunn & Nancy e. Pearsall If I had a million ducats (If I had a million ducats) I'd buy you a keep (I would buy you a keep) If I had a million ducats (If I had a million ducats) I'd buy you furniture for your keep (Like a Louis the XIV or an armoire) If I had a million ducats (If I had a million ducats) I'd buy you a big coach (with all the pretty with fringe on the top) If I had a million ducats I'd buy your love. If I had a million ducats (We wouldn't have to hunt for our game) If I had a million ducats (We'd hunt for sport cuz it's not the same) If I had a million ducats (We'd have peasants grow food all around the keep) And we'd have a big garden. (A maze garden) With high protein-enriched food (like lentils) And bambi and thumper playing in it. If I had a million ducats (If I had a million ducats) I'd buy you a fur cloak But not a woolen cloaks. That's cruel If I had a million ducats (If I had a million ducats) I'd buy you an exotic pet (Like a dragon or a leviathan) If I had a million ducats (if I had a million ducats) I'd buy a saint's remains (And all those crazy lucky saint's bones) If I had a million ducats I'd buy your love. If I had a million ducats (We wouldn't have to walk to the faire) If I had a million ducats (We'd hire a knight carry us there) If I had a million ducats (We wouldn't have to get our feel all dirty) We wouldn't have to walk in the filth. (We'd have people throw cloaks on the ground like for Sir Walter Raleigh) Or even better, peasants (on all fours) If I had a million ducats (If I had a million ducats) I'd be you a bed (But not bed of nails. That's cruel) If I had a million ducats (If I had a million ducats) I'd buy you some art (a Michaelangelo or Donatello) If I had a million ducats (If I had a million ducats) I'd buy you a monkey (haven't you always wanted a monkey?) If I had a million ducats, If I had a million ducats If I had a million ducats, If I had a million ducats We'd be kings. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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