Pirate Jokes & Evil Humour

[Charity Sweetlove]

Dearest Dorian,

Well I do think that Charity would sing the lustier of the verses, but Brenna would have the better voice. As far as I can see the chorus is different between the two songs, little else. So iffn' you know the tune for one you know the tune for the other. But without further ado here are all the collected verses I could find of Friggin in the Riggin, with some verses of The Good Ship Venus mixed in.

Cho: Frigging in the rigging

Frigging in the Rigging

We're Frigging in the Rigging

'cos there's nothing else to do!

(Or if you prefer the Good Ship Venus)

Aboard the Good Ship Venus

You really should have seen us

The figure head was a whore in bed

Astride a rampent penis!

It was at the China Station

by way of celebration

we sunk a junk with jets of spunk

by mutual masturbation.

We sailed to the Canaries

to screw the local faeries;

we got the Syph in Tenerife

and the clap in Buenos Aires.

We sailed to the Bahamas

where the girls all wear pajamas;

They wouldn't screw our motley crew-

they much preferred bananas.

The Captains' name was Mugger

A dirty-minded bugger;

he wasn't fit to shovel shit

from one deck to the other.

The first mate's name was Morgan,

By god he was a Gorgon;

Six girls could ride with legs astride

upon his sexual organ.

The second mate's name was Abel;

His arsehole bore this label:

I'll give the crew their daily dew

Though I'm no Betty Grable.

(takes a breath, then types more)

The third mate's name was Walter

At love he'd never falter.

The bloody stiff had given Syph

to all the girls in Malta.

The stoker was McGuire,

he really was a trier

for though on shore he kept a whore,

on board he pulled his wire.

The steward's name was Topper;

Boy did he have a whopper!

Twice round the deck, once round his neck

and up his arse for a stopper!

The Bosuns' name was Andy,

a bastard bald and randy;

They filled his bum with boiling rum

for pissing in the brandy.

Butthe bosuns' plan was prosperous

He dipped his cock in phosphorous;

All through the night it kept alight

to guide us through the Bosporous.

The pursers name was Lester;

He was a hymen tester;

Through hymens thick he'd shove his prick

and leave it there to fester.

That purser came from Wigan

by god he had a big'un!

We bashed his cock with a lump of rock

for Friggin in the Riggin!

The fireman was McTavish

and young girls did he ravish;

his missing tool's in Istanbul,

he was a trifle lavish.

The carpenter Caruthers,

Beloved of all the others;

He wasn't quite a hermaphrodite,

but a mistake of his mother's.

The engineer McPhearson

to snatch had an aversion,

so he stuck his cockup a water-cock,

a peculiar perversion!

The musician's name was Carter

he tuned his arse as a farter.

He could play anything from "God Save The King"

to Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.

The cook's name was O'Malley,

he didn't dilly-dally;

He shot his bold with such a jolt

he whitewashed half the galley.

The cook's offsider Riemann,

he was a filthy demon;

he served the crew with a filthy brew

of foreskins boiled in semen.

A third cook's name was Aiken;

Each morning he'd awaken

to scrape the spunk from off his bunk

to fry the skipper's bacon.

The trainee cook was Wooden

by Christ he was a good'un

He toosed off twice in a bag of rice

and called it sago puddin'

The radio operator

he was a masturbator;

to get a jolt he'd shoot his bolt

acrossthe oscillator.

A stowaway named Tupper

We rubbed his balls with butter;

The charge whizzed past the mizzen mast

and foamed against the scupper.

The stewardess was Dinah.

She sprang a leak off China

We had to pump poor Dinah's rum

to empty her vagina.

The cabin-boy's name was Nipper

A dirty little flipper;

he filled his ass with broken glass

and circumcised the skipper.

The ladies of the nation

arose in indignation

and stuffed his bum with chewing gum

a smart retaliation!

The captain's was was mabel,

Always willing and able

Behind the door or on the floor

or on the chart room table.

The captain had a daughter,

She fell into the water;

ecstatic squeals revealed that eels

had found her sexual quarter.

When we put into Calais

The captain's daughter Sally

Dressed as a whore and rushed ashore

and won the Grand Prix Rally.

Another daughter Charlotte

she was a filthy harlot.

Her thighs at night were lilly-white

but by morning they were scarlet.

The ship's dog's name was Rover,

the whole crew did him over

they ground and ground that faithful hound

from Land's end round to Dover.

The ship's cat's name was Kitty,

her arse was black and shitty;

her feline twat was kept red hot

by a crew who knew no pity.

When we reached our destination

through careful navigation

the ship was sunk in a wave of spunk

from mutual masterbation!

*falls over*

*eyes the lyrics* bugger, I know I'm forgetting some too. the song's kind of like "Roll your Leg over" where more and more verses keep getting made as one puts together more rhymes.

[Charity Sweetlove]

oh! The Pirate's Alphabet!

There's not to many letters in the pirate's Alphabet but here goes with what I remember.

We all know the Pirate's favorite letter. it's RRrrrrr

Their least favorite is Tea *takes a sip of it then sprays it out* T? are ye trying to kill me?

Then there's the last and final letter in the pirate's alphabet, and most aptly chosen for it's the last sound a pirate makes as they're run though by a cutlas and that's OooooOooooo

*curtsies*

*then wanders off to scrub herself clean*

*hums*

the captain's daughter Maybell

We laid her on the table

and $*@*ed and $*@*ed and $*@*ed

fliped her over, strapped her down, $*@*ed her again

IN THINE EYE WENCH! *pauses* *blinks* *resumes song*

As oft as we were able.

[Capt. Flint]

Charity Sweetlove... your sick, twisted and perverted if you like what you wrote. It's nice to know, I'm not alone.......still laughing.... argghhh.. The Capt.

[capnwilliam]

Redhand,

The song's title or at least its' chorus is "I'll go no more a-rovin' ".

Some verses of it were sung early in the movie "Moby Dick" (the 1950's version starring Gregory Peck).

Capt. William

Capt. William

[Booga]

Actually, those who made Friggin´ famous in the pop/rock scene was SexPistols who used it on the soundtrack of their rather odd movie "the Great Rock´n Roll Swindle". Anthrax may have recorded it too, but since I know they know their punk-history, I´ll bet my cannons they did it as a homage to Sid and the lads...

[Capt. Westyn Elizabeth Roberts]

All right, all right. I'm getting fussed at about my dirty jokes, so here's one you can tell to the kiddies.

Once upon a time (ugh), there was a baby rabbit hopping down the road. He had hopped for a long time until he was so tired he could hardly keep his eyes open. Then, he spotted a refrigerator turned over on its side with the door open, apparently dropped by a truck on the highway. So, he climbed inside and took a nap.

A little while later, a grown rabbit came hopping down the same road. When he got to the refrigerator and noticed that a baby rabbit was sleeping inside it, he said, "Baby rabbit, baby rabbit, why are you sleeping in that refrigerator?"

The baby rabbit raised his head and looked around, confused. Then, he shrugged and said, "The sign on the outside said White Westinghouse, so I thought I'd stop here and west for a while."

:)

Heh, heh. That's all the clean jokes I have in me.

Yours,

Capt. WE Roberts

[Charity Sweetlove]

The song's title or at least its' chorus is "I'll go no more a-rovin' ".

*perks up ears at this* That suddenly reminded me of a song called "The Amsterdan Maid"

*scritches scalp and thinks*

Cho:

A roving, A roving,

I'll go no more a roving with you dear maid....

Gah! I can't remember much more of it, save that it's about a lad who sees this sweet little skirt and puts his hand on her foot, (way to low sir!) then on her knee then on her leg and then under her skirt and she makes wonderful little replies to each part he touches until, when he's under her skirt then done she says, "That'll be two fifty please.... with gratuity." (well at least that's how it goes in the Naughty Nymph's version that I have)

[Cookie]

The song's title or at least its' chorus is "I'll go no more a-rovin' ".

*perks up ears at this* That suddenly reminded me of a song called "The Amsterdan Maid"

*scritches scalp and thinks*

Cho:

A roving, A roving,

I'll go no more a roving with you dear maid....

Gah! I can't remember much more of it, save that it's about a lad who sees this sweet little skirt and puts his hand on her foot, (way to low sir!) then on her knee then on her leg and then under her skirt and she makes wonderful little replies to each part he touches until, when he's under her skirt then done she says, "That'll be two fifty please.... with gratuity." (well at least that's how it goes in the Naughty Nymph's version that I have)

*clears throat*

The Maid of Amsterdam

In Amsterdam there lived a maid-

Bless you young woman!

In Amsterdam there lived a maid-

Mark well what I do say!

In Amsterdan there lived a maid,

And she was mistress of her trade,

I'll go a roving with you, fair maid,

Chorus:

A-roving, a-roving, since roving's been my ru-i-n,

I'll go no more a roving wiht you, fair maid.

I put my hand around her waist-

Bless you young women!

I put my hand around her waist-

Mark well what I do say!

I put my hand around her waist;

She says. "Young man, you're in some haste."

I'll go no more a-roving with you, fair maid.

I put my hand on her knee-

Bless you, young women!

I put my hand on her knee-

Mark well what I do say!

I put my hand on her knee;

She says, "Young man, your are rather free."

I'll go no more a-roving with you, fair maid.

I put my hand on her thigh-

Bless you, young women!

I put my hand on her thigh-

Mark well what I do say!

I put my hand on her thigh;

She says. "Young man, you're rather high."

I'll go no more a-roving with you, fair maid.

I put my hand on her snatch-

Bless you, young women!

I put my hand on her snatch-

Mark well what I do say!

I put my hand on her snatch;

She says, "Young man that's my main hatch."

I'll go no more a-roving with you, fair maid.

She rolled me over on my back-

Bless you, young women!

She rolled me over on my back-

Mark well what I do say!

She rolled me over on my back;

And fucked me 'til my bollocks cracked!

I'll go no more a-roving with you, fair maid.

And when I slipped her on the blocks-

Bless you, young women!

And when I slipped her on the blocks-

Mark well what I do say!

And when I slipped her on the blocks;

She says, "Young man, I've got the pox."

I'll go no more a-roving with you, fair maid.

And when I'd spent my whole year's pay-

Bless you, young women!

And when I'd spent my whole year's pay-

Mark well what I do say!

And when I'd spent my whole year's pay;

She slipped her line and sailed away.

I'll go no more a-roving with you, fair maid.

From "What Do You Do With a Drunken Sailor?", by Douglas Morgan. A book well worth taking a look at if you get the chance to.

[Capt. Flint]

ok me scalliwags. This one isn't exactly piratical, but, I found it funny.

Zulicha was fair to see

a fair virgin maiden was she

and she lived in baghdad

where all men are bad

but none was so bad as she

Her husband was very old

with millions in silver and gold

and he kept her locked in

away from all sins

for persians are very bold

now on her head she wore a turban

wich came from the looms of iran

where no-one could see

she kept a small key

wich she through out again and again

The first time she through out the key

it fell by the old banion tree

and she sighed and she cried

as the door opened wide

and in walked her lover zahie

The next time she through the key out

it fell by the old water spout

and she sighed and she cried

as the door opened wide

and in walked her lover Mahoud

she through the key out once again

expecting her love Suliman

but she sighed and she cried

and she virtually died

as in walked a whole caravan

now the leader did bow his head low

and awaited her wishes to know

though most of you stay

Zulicha did say

that the children and camels must go

Zulicha was fair to see

a fair virgin maiden was she

she lived in Baghdad

where all men are bad

but none were so bad as she........

[Charity Sweetlove]

So, this old sea dog wanders into a tavern and convinces one of the local gals to go up stairs for a bit with him. Well, the commence to a stripping and the sailor's a working on the working girl. Halfway through he pauses and says, "Well lass how fast do ya think I'm going?"

the harlot with a droll tone replies, "I'd say you're doing about three knotts."

"Three knotts?" Says the sailor with a but of a lustful chuckle.

"Yeah, yer not hard, yer not in, and yer not getting your money back."

[captweaver65]

Charity, that was sick-my dad will love it .

:)

A young boy dressed as a pirate captain knocked on the door of a house to get some Halloween treats. A woman answered the door and recognized that he was a pirate.

"Where are your buccaneers?" asked the woman.

The boy replied "Under my buccan-hat!"

[captweaver65]

Smart Parrot

A guy decides that he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud,"Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?." "I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot." "Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me." I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird." "Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it cause of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy, you really can understand and answer, can't you?" "Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy ...and I am especially good at ornithology.You ought to buy me. I am a great companion." The guy looks at the price tag. $200. He says. "I can't afford that." "Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20, just make an offer." The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "pssst," And motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman..." "What?" says the guy. "What?" "Well," the parrot says, when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth." "What happened then?" asks the guy."Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot."My God!!" the guy says. "Then what?" "Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts slowly going down and down..."The parrot pauses for a long time ..."What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.

"I don't know," says the Parrot, "My dick got hard and I fell off my perch."

[Capt. Westyn Elizabeth Roberts]

That was sick! I'll have to tell everyone! Argh, hargh, hargh!

Okay....

There once was a pirate named Pete who went into a saloon/brothel. He went up to the bartender and said, "Arrgh! Gimme two bottles of your worst beer and the meanest whore you have!" The bartender handed him two bottles of beer and called for Bertha. Then, Pete the pirate took the two bottles and Bertha, and went upstairs.

Bertha led Pirate Pete to her room and unlocked the door. She grabbed him, picked him up and threw him on the bed. Then, she grasped the hem of her skirts, threw them over her head and got down on all fours with her bare bum sticking straight up in the air.

Pirate Pete chuckled and stood up, very excited. "Wow, Lass! How did ye know that I liked it that way?"

Bertha shrugged and sighed. "I didn't. I just thought ye might like to open the beer first."

Capt. WE Roberts

[captweaver65]

this is one of me jokes that got the heave ho

In days of old, this young sailor was about to sign up for a 6-month trip on a sailing ship. He xasked the captain about sex life, since there would be no women on the ship.

"Don' ye worry about it, lad. We'll make sure your needs are taken care of."

After about 2 weeks at sea, the lad had a bone that wouldn't go away, so he went to ask the captain how to take care of it.

"Aye, lad, 'ere's ya key. Go open up the door under the ladder. In there you'll find a barrel, take the bung out of the hole and insert your manhood. I think you'll find this arrangement satisfactory."

The lad went down, opened the door, removed the bung, inserted his prick and got his rocks off in record time. In fact, it was SO good he asked for the key the next five nights in a row.

On the sixth night, the captain said, "Not tonight, laddie; it's your turn in the barrel."

[captweaver65]

A lady was looking for a present for her husband Harry, the pirate. She went to the only pet shop in town to buy one. The pet shop owner refused to sell her the one parrot he had.

"You don't want this one, it has lived in a brothel all its life."

"Yes, I must have it", said the pirate's wife." Harry has wanted a parrot all his life, and this is a beautiful bird!"

"Thanks, gorgeous," said the parrot, and he was soon taken to the lady's house. She put him into the corner, covered him up, and waited until the party that night to show her husband his gift. When she uncovered the parrot, her husband was amazed. Then the parrot said.

"Nice house, better broads; oh, Hi, Harry!"

[captweaver65]

DRUNK PIRATE

A drunken pirate got into a big mud puddle in the street and was looking for something there. Soon two other pirates came over and asked him: "Ahoy,Mate, what er ya lookin' fer?"

"can ya lend a fellow a hand, men?" said the drunk.

The new arrivals walked into the puddle too and set about searching something unknown.

At last the first drunk got out of the puddle and exclaimed: "I've found it!"

"What did you find?"

"The shore!" he exclaimed.

[captweaver65]

this one is sure to offend someone-just remeber all cabin 'boys' are 18 or older.

A sailor walks in to the head. A soon to be cabin boy who was on his way out looks at him, smiles, and asks, "Are you a REAL sailor?"

The sailor replies, "Why yes I am boy... Say - you want to wear my hat?"

The boy replies, "Sure mister!", and puts the hat on his head. As the sailor entered a stall the boy placed himself on "guard duty" by the door. Shortly, a pirate entered.

The boy again looked up, smiled, and asked, "Are you a REAL pirate?"

The Sailor replied, "Why yes I am... You wanna suck my d***?"

The boy quickly took the hat off his head and said, "Oh no - I'm not a real sailor - I'm just wearing his hat!"

[captweaver65]

DON'T TALK TO THE PARROT

One morning, Mrs. James woke up and her dishwasher wasn't working. She called a repairman and he said that he would be able to come out and service the dishwasher that afternoon.

Since Mrs. James worked during the day, she said, "You can come out this afternoon but I won't be at home. I'll leave a key under the back door mat, you fix the dishwasher and leave me a bill. I'll mail you a check tomorrow. I need to tell you, though, that I have a Pit Bull. He's a gentle dog so don't worry about him. I also have a parrot. He's not so nice, so whatever you do, DON'T TALK TO THE PARROT!!"

Later that day, the repairman let himself into Mrs. James house and sure enough, there was her Pit Bull. He was a gentle dog . . he just lay on the rug and watched the repairman do his work.

The parrot, however, was another story. He screamed, and squawked, and lunged at the repairman the entire time he was in the house.

Finally the repairman couldn't take the bird's screaming any longer and he yelled, "SHUT UP YOU STUPID BIRD."

At that, the parrot looked at the Pit Bull and said "Sic 'em, Brutus."

[captweaver65]

Pirate Cookies?

"What is a pirates favorite kind of cookie? "

"Ships ahoy"

[Capt. Flint]

I thought it was arghhhios....... Compliments of fair Katey... The Capt.

[captweaver65]

ya get an extra groan fer that one

:)

[captweaver65]

A Boater's Blessing... from Days of Yore

May there always be water under your boat,

May she always be seaworthy and ever afloat,

May your bilge pump be certain to work all night and all day,

May your compass and charts always show the safe way,

May you find gentle harbor as every day ends,

May you lower your anchor amidst peace and good friends.

A Boater's Blessing...Nowadays

May your outdrive be saved after hitting that rock,

May your bow be rebuilt after ramming your dock,

May you find your new watch that fell overboard,

May your neighbor quit stealing your slip's power cord,

May Lysol mask the musty smell under your berth,

May you someday owe less than the damn boat is worth.

[captweaver65]

A pirate galleon’s slave driver looked down at the galley slaves as they struggled with the enormous oars of the ship and bellowed, "I have some good news and some bad news."

"The good news is that you all will receive double rations tonight and tomorrow morning!"

The surprised (and hungry) slaves immediately began cheering, but their shouts were interrupted by the slave driver...

"The bad news is that right after breakfast the Captain wants to go water-skiing!"

[Stynky Tudor]

Arr, I cast a vote that we rename this topic after our favorite pirate humorist, "Captain Weaver's Sick Pirate Jokes and Evil Humor".

Capt Weaver, you be very funny and make this spot pretty popular on the forum, thanks for the entertainment.

[captweaver65]

yer welcome,Stynky.

I try to find the funny stuff,but its gettin pretty slim.

I'm down to the really bad jokes/riddles that all have to do with aarrrr.

:)

and where'd ya get them way kool smilies? love em.