captweaver65 Posted April 26, 2003 Share Posted April 26, 2003 This is the place to drop all those foul and oft time dubiously humourous tales, jokes, puns and other such offal. Capt Weaver "fifteen men with a dead man's wench yo ho ho and a bottle of rum." Capt Weaver "No man will be a sailor who has contrivance enough to get himself into a jail; for being in a ship is being in a jail, with the chance of being drowned. A man in jail has more room, better food, and commonly better company. " Dr. Samuel Johnson Capt Weaver's Pirate Perversions Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
captweaver65 Posted April 26, 2003 Author Share Posted April 26, 2003 COOKIE'S TALE A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea.Seeing the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch The sailor asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies "We was caught in an evil storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off". "Blimey!" said the sailor. "What about the hook"? "Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off." "#%&$#$!" remarked the sailor. "And how came ye by the eye patch"? "A seagull droppin' fell into me eye", answered the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. "Well..." said the pirate, "..it was me first day with the hook." Capt Weaver "No man will be a sailor who has contrivance enough to get himself into a jail; for being in a ship is being in a jail, with the chance of being drowned. A man in jail has more room, better food, and commonly better company. " Dr. Samuel Johnson Capt Weaver's Pirate Perversions Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Evil Tiny Posted April 27, 2003 Share Posted April 27, 2003 "What be the difference between a Pyrate and a Privateer?" "Witnesses!" "What be the difference between the Union Jack and the Jolly Roger?" "Not a bloody thing." Evil Tiny I'm not really evil...oh wait...yes I am! Discipline is on the severe side of harsh, and I likes it that way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Luigi Posted April 28, 2003 Share Posted April 28, 2003 Here's a question me crew 'n I coulda notta answer. Who came first...da Captain or da Cabin boy? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capt. Flint Posted April 28, 2003 Share Posted April 28, 2003 First of all.. The difference between pyrate and privateer is, not only witnesses, but, getting caught. As to whom came first, the capt. or the cabin boy.......well.... I don't think there is enough rum in the world to make want to know the answer to that one......... aarrrgghhhhh The CAPT. ..... never a cabin boy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
captweaver65 Posted April 28, 2003 Author Share Posted April 28, 2003 How do you get a scottish Pirate into a bath? Throw in a piece of eight into it... How do you get him out again then? Throw in the soap... Capt Weaver "No man will be a sailor who has contrivance enough to get himself into a jail; for being in a ship is being in a jail, with the chance of being drowned. A man in jail has more room, better food, and commonly better company. " Dr. Samuel Johnson Capt Weaver's Pirate Perversions Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rumba Rue Posted April 28, 2003 Share Posted April 28, 2003 Funny, funny stuff! Sorry can't add any, cuz the ones I know aren't for printing to the public. RumbaRue **The best kept secrets are in my bloomers** Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
captweaver65 Posted April 28, 2003 Author Share Posted April 28, 2003 ok Rumba,this is the best worst one I got-almost unprintable,sick and definately twisted BE WARNED-NO CHILDREN OTTA READ THIS. Five pirates and one woman wash up on a desert island after a shipwreck. Before long they are all getting pretty horny so they all make a deal. Each pirate will marry the woman for one week at a time, at which point the next pirate in line will marry her and so on. All the pirates get sex every five weeks and the woman gets sex as often as she wants with a different pirate each week. The situation works wonderfully for five years. When the woman suddenly dies... The first week after wasn't too bad. The second week was getting sort of bad. The third week was getting pretty bad. The fourth week was really bad. The fifth week was horrible! By the sixth week it was unbearable... So they buried her. Capt Weaver "No man will be a sailor who has contrivance enough to get himself into a jail; for being in a ship is being in a jail, with the chance of being drowned. A man in jail has more room, better food, and commonly better company. " Dr. Samuel Johnson Capt Weaver's Pirate Perversions Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Booga Posted April 28, 2003 Share Posted April 28, 2003 How do you get a scottish Pirate into a bath?Throw in a piece of eight into it... How do you get him out again then? Throw in the soap... Hehe.. I see you´ve visited one of our websites Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
captweaver65 Posted April 28, 2003 Author Share Posted April 28, 2003 Booga,yer probably right-I saw that joke with other groups named,but since the scottish pirates I know are some of the smelliest,I thought it was most appropriate. Capt Weaver "No man will be a sailor who has contrivance enough to get himself into a jail; for being in a ship is being in a jail, with the chance of being drowned. A man in jail has more room, better food, and commonly better company. " Dr. Samuel Johnson Capt Weaver's Pirate Perversions Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Luigi Posted April 29, 2003 Share Posted April 29, 2003 Captweaver65, I've a gotta say you are sick anda twisted. I like it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
captweaver65 Posted April 29, 2003 Author Share Posted April 29, 2003 thank you Captain Luigi and ifn you ever need a theraputic flogging,you know where to come (floggin's good fer th skin-hehe) and I always have a cabin boy er three around ta take care of me needs(wink,wink) Capt Weaver Capt Weaver "No man will be a sailor who has contrivance enough to get himself into a jail; for being in a ship is being in a jail, with the chance of being drowned. A man in jail has more room, better food, and commonly better company. " Dr. Samuel Johnson Capt Weaver's Pirate Perversions Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
captweaver65 Posted April 29, 2003 Author Share Posted April 29, 2003 How do you save a spanish Governor from drowning? Take your foot off his head... Capt Weaver "No man will be a sailor who has contrivance enough to get himself into a jail; for being in a ship is being in a jail, with the chance of being drowned. A man in jail has more room, better food, and commonly better company. " Dr. Samuel Johnson Capt Weaver's Pirate Perversions Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Luigi Posted April 30, 2003 Share Posted April 30, 2003 Argh Captweaver...I'ma loven da joke about da five men and a woman. Coulda use some ofa dat therapy ya speaken of. As for cabin boys me thinks I'va wore my out. He's a scotish young lad named Phil McCrack in Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
captweaver65 Posted April 30, 2003 Author Share Posted April 30, 2003 Long John Long John was delighted when he found a young maiden who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn`t bring himself to tell his fiancee` about his leg. All he kept saying was, "Arrrgghh, I`ve got a big surprise for you I say!" The wedding night came and went, and the couple were at last alone on the ship. "Now don`t forget, Long John, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride. Unable to mutter a word, Long John turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife`s hand on the stump. "Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise, pass me the Vaseline and I`ll see what I can do!" Capt Weaver "No man will be a sailor who has contrivance enough to get himself into a jail; for being in a ship is being in a jail, with the chance of being drowned. A man in jail has more room, better food, and commonly better company. " Dr. Samuel Johnson Capt Weaver's Pirate Perversions Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
captweaver65 Posted May 1, 2003 Author Share Posted May 1, 2003 What is the difference between bouncing on a royal naval officer and bouncing on a trampoline? You´ve got to take your boots off when bouncing on a trampoline... Capt Weaver "No man will be a sailor who has contrivance enough to get himself into a jail; for being in a ship is being in a jail, with the chance of being drowned. A man in jail has more room, better food, and commonly better company. " Dr. Samuel Johnson Capt Weaver's Pirate Perversions Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charity Sweetlove Posted May 1, 2003 Share Posted May 1, 2003 What has 6 eyes and 6 legs? 6 pirates! What kind of movies to pirates like to watch? the ones rated Arrrgh! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
captweaver65 Posted May 2, 2003 Author Share Posted May 2, 2003 There once was a treasure ship on its way back to port. About halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving in the breeze! "Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate. "First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea chest, and bring me my red shirt." The first mate did so. Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to fight. So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled without casualties. A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two pirate sloops! "Captain, captain, what should we do?" "First mate, bring me my red shirt!" The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many casualties. That night, the survivors had a great celebration. The first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt. "It`s simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not show, and the crew continues to fight without fear." A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the pirate confederation were approaching! "Captain, captain, we`re in terrible trouble, what do we do?" The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker. Pale with fear, the captain commanded, "First mate...bring me my brown pants!" Capt Weaver "No man will be a sailor who has contrivance enough to get himself into a jail; for being in a ship is being in a jail, with the chance of being drowned. A man in jail has more room, better food, and commonly better company. " Dr. Samuel Johnson Capt Weaver's Pirate Perversions Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
captweaver65 Posted May 4, 2003 Author Share Posted May 4, 2003 So there's this Pirate with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the pirate who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then he gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran pirate blush. At that point, he is so mad that he throws the parrot into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on. By the way, what did the chicken do?" Capt Weaver "No man will be a sailor who has contrivance enough to get himself into a jail; for being in a ship is being in a jail, with the chance of being drowned. A man in jail has more room, better food, and commonly better company. " Dr. Samuel Johnson Capt Weaver's Pirate Perversions Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rumba Rue Posted May 5, 2003 Share Posted May 5, 2003 Oh Gawd! That's hysterical! I'm laughing my fool head off! RumbaRue **I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges?** Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Evil Tiny Posted May 6, 2003 Share Posted May 6, 2003 So the crew is ashore in our favorite pub, The Thirteen Whistlin' Pigs, an off in the corner is our cabin boy with one of them tavern wenches. We kin hear the heavy breathin, and the movin' of furniture alongs with the rustle of cloth, when all of a sudden like we hears the wench say "Would ye like ta go upstairs?" "No, not right now." says the cabin boy, and we starts ta congtratulatin ourselves fer our teachin' him ta be fixin' the contract afore takin' on the job. A few minutes later we hears the scrapin' of chairs and tables, the rattle o' dishes and the shiftin' of clothes, when in a husky voice the wench asks, "Does ye want ta go upstairs now?" "No, not now" says the lad. Now we be wonderin' what be wrong with the lad! We been back ta our drinkin' and singin' fer not more than 5 minutes when we hears the crashin' o' chairs, the breakin' o' china and the tearin' of cloth when the wench screams "Does ye wants ta go upstais now???" A small voice answers back, "No, I wants ta be stayin down here with you." Evil Tiny I'm not really evil...oh wait...yes I am! Discipline is on the severe side of harsh, and I likes it that way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
captweaver65 Posted May 6, 2003 Author Share Posted May 6, 2003 Oh Gawd! That's hysterical! I'm laughing my fool head off! RumbaRue hehe in service to me fellow scoundrels Capt Weaver, keyboard pirate bard of the day and master plagerist Capt Weaver "No man will be a sailor who has contrivance enough to get himself into a jail; for being in a ship is being in a jail, with the chance of being drowned. A man in jail has more room, better food, and commonly better company. " Dr. Samuel Johnson Capt Weaver's Pirate Perversions Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
captweaver65 Posted May 13, 2003 Author Share Posted May 13, 2003 I know some of ya are gonna dislike me fer this little poking fun at the sca,but its all fer humor and nothing taken too seriously.I actually love the sca on the west coast,where most people don't take themselves too seriously and just want to have a good time. Capt Weaver YOU KNOW YER A MISPLACED PIRATE IN THE SCA WHEN... ...you prefer cheap rum instead of expensive wine,but drink the pilaged wine anyway 'just fer emergencies' ...you think that the proper way to greet kings at events is: Arrh, ye peacock, give me yer money or I´ll burn yer tent! ...you show up for the boffer cutlass demo and wonder why everyone has padded sticks. ...when you notice the catholic girls school down the way and ask who wants to go wenching. ...you are not very interested in SCA rapier fencing cause "they've banned fleche and suicidefencing" and you dont really understand that crap bout "chivalry" either. ...you get thrown out of meetings cause you know too much about "slitting throats, ARRH!". ...the people at work starts to talk about you as the one who puts jolly rogers on everything and talks funny. ...another household challeges you to a rubber band gun ship battle and you can't really understand why all their guns er made of wood and have no place ta put powder. ... when you bring your 1/4 scale carrack to an event that listed shipholds welcome,only to find no water to set her in when ya get there. ...you bring your flintlock to an event and the sca rules nazis claim they aren't period,so you pull it out and give em a nice n loud test firing. ...people stand WAAY back when your household starts to pull out rapiers, sabres, cutlasses and daggers. ...your woke up at 1pm after a night of drinking n wenching to the sound of the herald who you threaten to decorate yer boarding pike with his head ifn he don't shut his mouth. ...you get really angry when the person next to you at the banquette, who claims to be a pirate, doesnt know anything about "loading guns with rusty nails" and you challenge him to a cutlass duel, he turns up and then runs away cause you brought your real cutlass. ...your topic for the evening is smuggling, and your fellow sca-dians listens politely until you mention "fast motor boats" and starts complaining about how the price on greens has gone down. CW added verses Capt Weaver "No man will be a sailor who has contrivance enough to get himself into a jail; for being in a ship is being in a jail, with the chance of being drowned. A man in jail has more room, better food, and commonly better company. " Dr. Samuel Johnson Capt Weaver's Pirate Perversions Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rumba Rue Posted May 13, 2003 Share Posted May 13, 2003 Oh that's WICKED- I LOVE IT! Not a member, nor ever have been and never plan to be! I'm a hell of lot smarter than that! (Don't even get me started on SCA, I'll bash forever!) RumbaRue **Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious** Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charity Sweetlove Posted May 20, 2003 Share Posted May 20, 2003 So, there's this pirate hanging in a cage at the docks of a sea side town. He's been there for a few days, parched, hungry, to cramped to sleep and exposed for the winds and sun and birds to abuse. A former member of his crew wanders by and seeing him the pirate calls out to him. "Thomas. Thomas, come here Thomas." Well Thomas, hearing his friend's voice calling from above looks for him and spies him in the cage. "Neptune's Beard man, what happened to you?" "Thomas, can you help me?" The pirate rasps. Thinking that he might be looking for a spot of rum or maybe a way out of the blasted cage Thomas steps closer. "What can I do for you? How can I help?" "Thomas." The pirate coughs, his breath rattling in his lungs. "I forgot the safety word." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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