Elvira Montoya

This leetle Pop Tarta has spice darlin and Im not sure ye can handle it, besides Sirens do have secret weapons, and i turly doubt you will stand to the song of the sea..Shall we test it?

Uncurls her frame to stand atop the bar and uncoils her whip slowly....

"I'm spanish I like mi meals spicy. Jou hab a lot of actitud por a lunch entree! " Elvira leaps to the bar. "Jou wan to danze first, let's danze! No wait, jou said sing? Jou sing dat bad, jou tink es a weapon?"

Grins most wickedly at the advancing femme fatale and winks at her most boldly.  "My my my what do we have here?  Now all know tis not smart to tangle with a Siren, and one so well equipped....... With a Whip!  *Bet I know what ya'll were thinkin!

"Do jou really tink, jou can keep dis tiger at bay, wid dat equipment? I mean whip." Elvira moves closer and licks her lips in anticipation.

"Jou ar going to taste deliciosa, comb here mi leetle pop-tarta!"

Strolls in to sit upon the bar and watch with intrest the goings on of the new Pub soap opera. "Say did we find the directions to the sheep yet?"

Elvira turns and sees Siren sitting on the bar. "Oh, look! Lunch is served."

Elvira leaps to the top of the bar, shaking her head wildly and spraying everything and everybody with holy water. She is spinning across the bar like a whirling dervish. The lads stop singing, and she leaps off the end of the bar and lands in front of Inigo.

Steam is rising off her sweaty, wet body. There is less of the dress left than before.

"Muy refreshing, what's next boys?"

"Inigo, por favor no more agua!"

Jacky sees Elvira huddled in the corner and she looks petrified. Inigo is ranting and waving a crucifix at her.

"Jacky por favor, Inigo es loco. He es going to hurt mi."

Elvira is shaking now, and weeping.

Jou alraidy got Bickering, Bulimia, Ennui and Flatulence; whad more could jou possibly want from me??

"Have it jou way. I bite jou!"

Elvira's fangs come out.

"Who needs blood sucking abogados (lawyers), I can do it mi self."

Elvira quickly over powers Inigo.

The wetted ink has flowed into a largely illegible mass of black.  Only a few scattered letters and words remain:

"<long illegible smear>...Inigo Mont... <more dripping black> ... said ... <big blur> ... to Elvira ... <faded> ... bi ... te ... me.....<the rest completely run together and obscured>"

He looks up sharply at Elvira.  "Jou tryin' to pool a fast one?  I not signing thees.  No telleeng whad' I be agreeing to!"

"I hab dry copies which read <long legal babble>... Inigo Montoya ... <more legal babble> ... does not contest the annulment of his marriage to Rosarita ... <more B.S. > ...Here by decree Elvira my executer of all my properties and future properties.."

She pouts and bends forward.

"See es legal, es legible, es por jou own bueno. Elvira takes care of her hombre."

In the process of Elvira's dress drying, it is shrinking dramatically. She is looking less like the Mistress of Dark and more like a Hooter's girl. Inigo is perspiring and can't keep his eyes focused above Elvira's shoulders.

Elvira sensing she now has the cards stacked in her favor, and he'll sign anything!

"Is it getting hot in here? Or is it mi? Oh.. it's mi!

"Jou no sign dis one an dare going to be graves consecuencias, like jou lose de Pirate Hunter franchise!'

... gesturing with an ill-shielded index finger.  He whistles harder.

"Give it up Inigo, Rumba she sees everyting!"

Elvira thrusts the documents into Inigo's face.

"Inigo sign de documentos!"

When nobody appears to be looking, Inigo gives the table a not-so-subtle nudge.  It goes over with a characteristic crash and clatter of crockery.  Rumba sticks an angry head out of the back room.  The combatants suddenly freeze, looking surprised, embarrassed and guilty.  Inigo, whistling tunelessly to himself while a look of angelic innocence suffuses his countenance, rolls his eyes meaningfully and points a covert, accusing finger in the direction of Elvira and "the boys."

Ray is boarding up the window; so, that no other characters will fall and plunge to their deaths on the jagged rocks below (now that the tide has gone out).

Elvira is soaked to the skin, and the lads at the bar are chanting something about her dress. Elvira turns toward the bar and all fall silent. She turns her attention back to the sheepish looking Inigo.

"Inigo how is it that Izzie, Rosie, Pepe and Jacky gets in a big brawl, and not one patron of de pub spills a drink or cracks a pieza of pub crockery? But jou jes standing dare and oops mi bad, dare goes a tabla of crockery!"

Rosie is not going down without a fight. She wraps her whip around Izzie's neck and trys to strangle her. Izzie tries to get Rosie to release the whip...

Izzie is starting to black out and turns toward the open window. She stumbles and falls out the open window with Rosie on her back.

"Madeja go after jou hermana now!" Without hesitating he jumps out the same window.

The two remaining children remain with their mother. Elvira turns again to face Inigo.

Dat's not a smile, dat's gas.

Gas indeed. (taps her foot impatiently)

"Inigo, jou sign des documentos, an des leetle tragedia is historia!"

"Adiós Rosie! Cheeldrens help Rosie find her way to de door."

The four move toward the booth...

Elvira Montoya and the younger children return to the pub, and find Hank prostrate on the floor with a noose around his neck and Izzie standing over him. See notes that Rosie is missing.

"I leafs jou two alone por a few hours an I returns to find jou like dis! Izzie help boredom... Ennui... I means Medeja to his feet. I suppose jou tink maybe if jou tie each udder up, Madre not notice Rosie is missing?"

"Wait, de aroma of spanish cologne es stronger than before, y antiácido?" She turns and sees the smiling and always elegante Inigo...

He returns his attention to the slumbering pair. "Eef dere is Juan t'ing dese two really good at, eet's being violent. But eet gon' bite dem Juan day. Watch dees." Montoya produces a noose, which he has cleverly borrowed from Colonel Walker. He flings one end over a rafter. Careful not to disturb their snoring, he slips the noose over Flatty's neck, and places the other end in Hank's hand. Placing himself out of the sightlines of both, he gives a hearty pull on Hank's half of the rope, jerking Flatty's head into the air. As Flatty bellows to sudden wakefulness, Inigo fades to a darkened corner of the Pub to enjoy the fun.

Izzie (Flatty) wakes to find her brother Madeja (Hank; which means skein in English. 'Perhaps Inigo knits!') attempting to hang her. Izzie swings to a table top to loosen the noose, before her brother's joke kills her!

Removing the noose from her own neck, and placing it around the neck of the unsuspecting Hank; she then takes the end of the rope from his hand and yanks Hank into the air.

Hank, who is not as good natured as Izzie, pulls a dagger from his belt and throws it at Izzie, before he realizes it is her. Izzie lets go of the rope to avoid the incoming dagger, which flies past her and into a darkened corner of the Pub.

Elvira and two of the four hulks leave the pub to find an unsuspecting Inigo. The other two remain to stand watch over the badly beaten Rosie. Their madre has given them orders to prevent anyone from freeing Rosie.

"Dese are pirates, no heroes here!", chuckles hulk one.

"Jou mean pie-rats", chortles hulk two.

"Rosie jou might wan to tink about working here. Jou see I aim here to take Inigo back to de casa to be wit his real cheeldrens. I hab spoken wit de Cardinal an he will declare Inigo's matrimonio nulo! I hab put a lien on de casa por back payments por cheeldren support. So, Inigo can go to de casa wid mi, or debtor prisión."

"Niños, bind Rosie wid dat whip she likes so mucho."

The four enormous, hulking, ugly, hairy, battle-scarred, drunken children over power and tie up Rosie.

"No Señora, I aim not empleared here. Why arr jou seeking work?"

"Mi work, no work is por peons y servants. Speaking of de peons, was dat leetle Pepe? Inigo gave mi Pepe as a wedding presente."

Turns flashing blue eyes on Rosie. "And as for FLAT, well my dear, I can't suppose, after all those little Montoya's you're so proud of, you're quite as "pert" as you used to be, eh?" Gives a sly wink. "Better to be flat, than falling!"

"Ransom, jou were in Pilates class, no? I had mi first Montoya bebe when mi es jus fifteen. Mi still es under thirty; so, gracias a Dios, nada es fallen yet!"

Elvira catches a whiff of cigarillos and spanish cologne, and knows she has come to the right place. She spies a familiar figure, that she did not expect to see. It is her former servant little Rosie.

"Rosie, santita! Jou are employed here? Go fetchee mi an de cheeldrens somting to drink, por favor."

What is this? Everyone knows that pirates and monsters don't mix!

"Who are jou calling a monster? I aim de former wife of Inigo Montoya and dese ar his cheeldrens!"

An eerie fog drifts into the pub, pushed in by a cold damp breeze. The door swings open and a tall dark female form shrouded in fog enters the pub, she is followed by four enormous, hulking, ugly, hairy, battle-scarred, drunken creatures.

"Ello my name is Elvira Montoya, I aim looking for Inigo Montoya he owes mi alimonies an cheeldrens support."

Elvira steps into the dimly lit pub, she is beautiful and terrifying to behold. Her black dress shows off her pale ample abundance. The dress is slit above the knee and reveals her shapely legs. Her eyes are the color of a stormy sky, and her lips are blood red. Black hair cascades about her shoulders, and behind her looms the four horsemen of the apocalypse.