LongTom

Yeah, but there are other aspects of the view that are consistently nice from up there. And when ya get caught looking, you can just shrug and say, "Sorry, can't help it. It's the height."

The scent of noble fir filling the living room. Mmm. Followed by the scent of steam issuing from both ears, when the ding dang bling blang rackin frackin lights fail to light yet again!

The family goes to see The Christmas Revels! We've been going to that for ten years now. It's a celebration of the Solstice, Christmas, and Yule in general. One of the neat things that they do is to involve the audience in the dancing and the singing, in which I participate with hearty abandon every year. Funny thing is, pretty much every year, someone a row or two immediately in front of me would turn around at the end of the program and say something to the effect of "Why aren't you down there on stage?" Well, this year I took them up on the idea. Singing tenor with the local chapter. San Francisco Bay Area pirates who might be interested, the local site is California Revels.

^ Has more friends than she thought.

That points out another pitfall of relationships: Knight in Shining Armor syndrome. We all want to help others out when they are in distress. Being able to assist feels really good. But when you tangle that up with residual romantic feelings, the whole thing gets blown out of proportion. Not only do you feel noble and good, it feels like you are proving your valor to this person in some fashion. Very validating to your sense of self. A side effect is that your wife is unhappy about the communication, which translates to stress in your marriage. So you have a one-two sucker punch to your marriage: feelings of euphoria surrounding someone else, combined with subtle unhappiness connected with your spouse. Again, being aware of the dynamics may help you cope with them better, since they have to operate under cold hard scrutiny. It's sort of like turning on the work lights in the middle of a play -- all the dramatic atmosphere just goes pffft!

I'm hoping it that rather than breaking your heart, letting go can free it. You are clearly torn now. Be whole. Pragmatically speaking, the person to whom those events happened literally doesn't exist now. You have recycled basically all the cells of your body, probably several times. Most of the atoms that were you at the time have gone on to participate in other parts of the great dance that is Creation. If you are wondering why I am harping on this concept, you asked how do we soothe our wounded spirits. This is one way that I do. I have friend who once said something wise to me. I forget what I was grouching over, but he said, "That's okay, you can have that story if it makes you happy." This story isn't making you happy. The story that you are holding onto is really someone else's story now. Someone who looks and acts a lot like you did a long time ago, but who isn't you. Someone who is now basically a fictional character. This story is very compelling; you identify with it strongly; but it isn't your story anymore, not who you are now. You have within you the capacity to put the book back on the shelf and go back to your real life.

It is worth noting that Internet relationships take on an artificially heightened sense of intimacy and intensity. Something about the level of concentration that is exercised while at the keyboard, I think. Bear that in mind and it will help to temper your reactions. Your current experience of her is as a disembodied set of words, which is in some strange way akin to a memory, in terms of its sensation of reality/unreality. Also, your brain fills in the gaps in the experience, substituting what you knew about her back then -- and are imagining about her now -- for what doesn't get transmitted down the ethernet cable. Thus your current chatting reinforces the old memories, and is in some way de-linking you from your present reality. If you choose to continue contact with her, I'm wondering what you can do to integrate your current relationship with her into your real life. Invite your wife to chat with you both?

Ah, I see. What happened in the past happened for a reason. Your present reality is happening for a reason too; and both the past and present create the story that a relationship with this person is unreality. The version of the story that would have ended differently is now essentially and for all purposes an alternate universe. See it for what it is, and wave goodbye to it as it drifts back into obscurity, just another among the endless legions of variant outcomes. Also, embrace the present. Meaning, do some work to ground yourself in your marriage and family, in your present identity as husband and father. You are haunted by something that almost was, but isn't. Focus on what IS.

Could be she's smitten by you and nervous, Patrick. Sometimes people get shy and withdrawn in social situations with high stakes, and it comes across as cold. (raises hand sheepishly) So, no telling how she feels at this point. The question is, how do you feel about her? Another vote for what Syren says, though. What is she interested in? If she's interested in pirates, you will instantly have a lot to talk about. Even if not, finding out her interests will provide conversation material.

Cold? Hah! Fight harder! Yarrr! I know, I know... I'm from California, I don't even know what cold IS.

That's a generous offer, Emerald! I have to say I'm not prepared to conduct a running auction at this point. Right now I'm embroiled in preparing for a theater performance in December, so I will be swamped through the end of the year. On the other hand, Syren's situation is of sufficient magnitude that there will be opportunities to contribute for quite a while. (save a lottery win by some generous soul, which I wouldn't mind seeing one bit!) We have some time to continue to make things happen. I would suggest that for these sorts of items, folks draw upon their local communities (for instance, local fan base for performing troupes) for support. The way I see it, I don't make a particularly effective face for the effort, going out into the world in general. People will look at me and say "who the heck is LongTom, and who the heck is Black Syren, and who the heck is TLotSK? Tell me again why I should want this T-shirt?" People that know you will have a lot fewer questions. They already know they want your T-shirt, and they trust that you think it's a worthy cause based on their relationship with you. I can't possibly compete with all y'all in terms of being well-connected. Everybody working within their networks is where things get rolling. I know of at least one other Friend Of Syren who has successfully gathered a sizeable contribution through ad-hoc donations from her own community on Halloween night. (Nudge, nudge. You know who you are. Care to relate your success story?)

If it is something that you wish had turned out differently -- especially if it is wishing that the other person had behaved differently -- you need to reconcile yourself to the idea that what happened is the only thing that could have happened, given the situation and who the people were at the time. When what should have been is more attractive than what actually was, it is too easy to hang onto the former, instead of moving past the latter.

And a fine pair of piratesses ye make! Good on ye, says I.

Coin slot

I'll pass.

Personally, I'd prefer to call her long distance. Better yet, not at all. Sort of like Lord Moldyvolt...Moodywart...Vorde--oh, heck, He Who Can't Be Pronounced. LongTom pours a tankard of ale over a chunk of cornbread. "Look, Pirate Polenta! Mmmm..."

Well, it is a funeral home, after all... "Oi! Clear out, you lot! This is me personal office, not some establishment for the procurement of spirits!"

Back to my weight workout after slacking off for about a month. (Had a camping trip to prepare for, and then Halloween.) Feels good to be sore again. I've managed to bob around between 180-185 ever since early summer. Frustrating to be stuck. I think I shall stop worrying about the poundage and start concentrating on losing inches. (And hopefully gaining inches in some other places where they'll be appreciated, like delts and lats.) 32 waistline, here we come!

Aye! Part purest atmospherically distilled water, part roof dirt. But fun to eat nonetheless. The smell of woodsmoke lingering in camping clothes.

Does fifteen trips from the yard up to the third floor attic count? (putting away Halloween. whooo... pant...)

It amazes me sometimes how much making other people happy brightens my own outlook. The most recent example for me is my silly Halloween haunted yard display. By the end of the evening, I, with my goofy ghosts and gravestones and schtick about being Victor Frankenstein in his laboratory, had made several hundred people laugh and scream and come away with a smile and a wow on their face, in addition to the obligatory candy. It feels really...really...good. All the "thank-you's" and the "wow, this is the coolest house ever" are nice too, but just watching them have a good time was the best. It's like the proverbial contact high.

Lady B, I am sorry that you are going through hell. I don't know your situation, so I can't comment in any but the most vague way. I will suggest that Love is wise to be cautious of an overfondness for roguery. I will also suggest that if you observe Davy Jones, you will see that he is not at peace, despite having locked his heart away beyond all hope of his ever using it again. He tore his heart away to get away from the pain, and yet he is clearly still tortured. His solution is no solution at all. I wish for you healing, and peace. And eventually, love. The true kind, this time.

Don't trust anything that happens on Halloween night. Or when either of you are drunk. Or when either of you are on the rebound. All three at once...all bets are off. Offhand, it doesn't sound like she was designing to use you to make Matt jealous up front. Otherwise she would have been more public with her attentions at the party. (If you want a story to get around, waiting until nobody else is around to see would be counterproductive.) So by that token her friendliness with you was not faked (allowing for the alcohol). However it sounds like she is still not over him, and either decided to go for the jealous reaction on the spur of the moment, or maybe just was a little fuzzy in the moment (you did say she told him while she was drunk, right?) I have to ask, if this person is known to get overly friendly when tipsy, isn't that a bit of a red flag to you? (I.e., when you are the boyfriend and she's getting friendly with somebody else?) Sorry you're going through such a string of bad luck. I gotta admit, it's a little better than getting shot down or ignored, though.

I want to make edible ones out of Chinese almond-milk gelatin (aka "almond lake"). I'm thinking maybe for the irises use gummy Life Savers. I don't know how I would go about making bloodshot veins, or a black pupil (or whether I'd bother, seeing as all that work would just get eaten).

It's getting to the point where I'm not finding anything I want to buy at the halloween stores. Aside from not wanting to look like everyone else's haunt, they are now selling mass-market versions of the things I made by hand in previous years. This year I only bought the skull-shaped muffin tins and some plastic eyeballs that went into a jar in my mad scientist lab. It takes some careful mix and match of the retail stuff, and preferably a bunch of scratch-built or heavily modified items that nobody else has.