Nelson Cooke

The situation in Somalia is not unlike that in the Caribbean in the second half of the seventeenth century. As most of you know, piracy in the Caribbean had swelled to the point that the European governments effectively threw up their hands and adopted a policy of “if-you-can’t-beat-’em-join-’em.” Pirates were designated “privateers” when they bought or were otherwise granted a “letter of marque and reprisal” by their own governments. These were essentially licenses to prey upon the ships of nations with whom the issuing nation was at war, which, often as not in those days, was just about everybody. Somalia is similarly unable to stop the pirates, NATO help notwithstanding. But privateers might have fiscal motivation, to go with glory. If Somalia issued letters of marques and reprisal, would you consider being part of a privateer crew? Do you have piratic-minded chums who might. In any case, what do you think of the privateer idea? Honest or otherwise quote-worthy responses may turn up in an article proposing the privateer solution in my blog on The Huffington Post (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/keith-thomson).

This was on the air today. Click to station's web site with insta-mp3 or (if it's already too loud on your brig) there's a transcript: today's review of Gus Openshaw's Whale-Killing Journal

I'm pretty sure Howard's got no beef with you, Bloody Jack.

I like your style, shipmate. Keep it up!

Pirate an icebox.

Mimi: Burnie says if you like music, walks on the beach, playing cards by the fire, or just drinking rum, send him a b-mail.

My self-portrait done on a cocktail napkin (medium of all self-respecting artists):

Thanks to certain fast-talking pirates among you, my publisher was convinced to put this festival on the reading tour for my new book! Of course, by Saturday afternoon, when I'm supposed to go on, I expect none of us will be in either book-reading or listening-to-a-book-reading condition. The challenge now is to contrive a way for my publisher to pick up our grog tab.

Dashing, shipmate. And it hides blood, I bet!

I appreciate it, Foxmorton. This suds for you:

Enigma, by authentic, I mean something about which there wasn't much suspicion that it was fake. Foxe, I plan to look into both the Rogers and Shelvocke. Daniel, the Blackbeard entry makes me wonder if in fact they ran out of rum. Interesting either way. Thanks, bloaks, a rum for each of you:

Has any authentic pirate's diary ever been published?

Skull, getting published isn't hard. It took a week. Writing the suckers, well that's another story.

Thanqs, Mimi. Aye, I am also to blame for Pirates of Pensacola. I was in Pensacola over the weekend and wanted to see the ship, but decided to drink instead.

Jim-sib, I am going to Charleston, thanks. As for the others, my wench is due May 11, so I'm looking for stuff post-June 1 or so. I should've said that before. They both seem like great fests.

Thanks, your Highness. You too, Rogue. I'll check out these links seconds from now.

My publishers will send me anywhere to hawk my new book, (Gus Openshaw's Whale-Killing Journal). As it's more maritimey than piratey (although one of the main characters is a pirate) in the market for decent maritime festivals, and would be much obliged if anyone tells me of one. Charleston, SC, is the only one on the docket so far.

Well, then, this shot of rum's for you, Capt. Siren:

My publishers will send me anywhere to hawk my new book, (Gus Openshaw's Whale-Killing Journal). As it's more maritimey than piratey (although one of the main characters is a pirate) in the market for decent maritime festivals, and would be much obliged if anyone tells me of one. Charleston, SC, is the only one on the docket so far.

I write under an alias as I am, like you, wanted in most of the Seven Seas. My new maritime novel, Gus Openshaw's Whale-Killing Journal comes out Friday, published by Macadam/Cage. For all sorts of book info and whaling news posted as soon as it comes in (or we post it), drop anchor the website, blubberybastard.com Here are a couple early reviews: From bilgemunky.com: "If you read only one happy-go-lucky account of whale slaughter this year... Gus Openshaw is just your average joe, seeking to make a life with his wife and new son. When his plans are thwarted by an angry whale (who swallows his family whole, along with Gus's right arm), Gus must find a way to make that all-too-common transition from humble catfood cannery worker into whale hunting avenger. This is easier said than done, especially considering that in these kinder, gentler days whale killing is generally frowned upon. One is certain to become entangled in all sorts of legal fiascos. But that's only the beginning - mutinous crews, renegade princesses, foreign navies, discount arms dealers, and (of course) pirates all serve to make Gus's adventures a sight more interesting than he'd like. Readers of Keith Thomson's previous work, "Pirates of Pensacola" (which I hereby declare the official 2005 Bilgemunky Book of the Year) will recognize several nods and references as Gus travels throughout the Caribbean, including occasional visits to the Spice Islands. Also familiar will be Thomson's love of creating unique, bizarre, quirky, and dangerous characters, and then putting them into a world just skew of reality. But where "Pirates of Pensacola" was kept in check enough to be nearly believable, with "Gus Openshaw" Thomson has thrown caution to the wind entirely, allowing mechanical squids, mind-bogglingly stupid crewmates, and Bob the Rat to make frequent appearances. But by casting all observations through the eyes of Gus's dry, blue-collar matter-of-fact personality, even the ludicrous becomes almost believable, and highly comical. Ivy-league torturers named Kip, farts used as an offensive weapon, whale-worshipping island nations with broadband internet connections, Yahoo - it's all here, and it's all good." From John Ol' Chumbucket Bauer, Co-Founder of Talk Like A Pirate Day and author of the book Pirattitude: "Move over Melville! Outta the way, Ahab! In the world of obsessed whalers, Gus Openshaw and his crew of misfits (and that's being kind) are second to none as they chase a rogue whale across the Seven Seas � pursued by lawyers, pirates, several navies, and a tribe of Caribbean whale worshippers. Keith Thomson (author of the side-splitting novel Pirates of Pensacola) has done it again with this hilarious adventure of a bad-luck captain single-mindedly chasing the whale dubbed 'the Blubbery Bastard' to exact revenge for the loss of his wife, son and arm. Gus Openshaw's Whale-Killing Journal beats the classic Moby-Dick on every count�it's a lot shorter, has more amazing adventures, is far less likely to be assigned as school reading, and is much, much funnier." From Kirkus Review of Books: "A blogger-slash-whaler goes hunting for his prey in the Caribbean-where the waters are shark-infested, the crew is always on the verge of mutiny and absurd plot twists arrive with every other paragraph. Thomson's raucous comedy of errors is the tale of Gus Openshaw, a worker at a cat-food cannery who spends his summer hot on the trail of the "blubbery bastard" who swallowed his wife, child and right arm. Openshaw obsessively details his pursuit on his blog, and he's a little surprised to learn that his readership knows of other obsessive, one-limbed whalers. ("I've been calling [the whale] 'Dickhead,' " he writes. "Everybody always laughs and says that's a witty reference. Hell if I know why.") Joining him on the trip are a short-tempered, murderous cook, a deckhand who's addicted to hull cleaner, the appropriately named Stupid George (who at one point heaves a harpoon handle-first) and Flarq, a Queequeg-like deckhand who draws "scrimshaws" of the events in the story (illustrations appear throughout). Thomson constantly subverts the narrative by concocting increasingly ridiculous turns of events-Openshaw's sued for libeling Dickhead on his blog, after which he falls for the Princess of Whales, the ruler of a small whale-worshipping island who, in turn, happens to work for a black-market arms dealer who appears at crucial moments with, say, a prosthetic arm, or an F-15 fighter jet. Yet Thomson never loses his grip on the plot-he works hard to make the story hang together logically; the brief, blog-length chapters, meanwhile, keep the jokes punchy and entertaining. If Moby-Dick was a richly symbolic work about the whole of human experience, this is just an assortment of riffs on adventure tales, love stories and human idiocy in general. Thomson is no Melville, but there's no question who's the better gag-writer. Dumb fun, smartly imagined."

Bilgemunky gets my overall vote. Another site that's indispensible is the International Commercial Crime Services Weekly Pirate Blotter.

An Actual Pirate Compelled Me I grew up in a small coastal town in New England that for me was whatever the opposite of fun is. However, as anyone who's looked out at it knows, however, the ocean offers boundless possibilities. There was a somewhat famous pirate in the early 19th Century named William Thompson. He spelled Thompson (the alias my family was using at the time was Thomson without a P), but I knew pirates weren't known for their literacy, so I just figured he'd misspelled it. Thompson disappeared in around 1825, but being eight, you can look out to sea and believe there's a pretty good chance your pirate ancestor's mast might appear on the horizon one morning, or that his proxy might show up and say, "Kid, we need you to go on an adventure to get gold." This was basically the premise of my first published book, Pirates of Pensacola--a landlubbing accountant's life is anything but exciting until his estranged pirate father shows up after twenty-some years in jail and says, "Let�s hit the sea, lad, there�s treasure to be got." So there you have it. Incidentally, a common misnomer about pirates is they buried treasure. Think about it. You swing through cannon fire and onto an enemy deck full of dark smoke with rapiers whining all about. You somehow manage to persevere and get away with a bunch of gold. Why in the hell would you drop anchor at some island and stick it in a hole? William Thompson did bury treasure though. And maybe someday I'll find it.

I am writing a new book where I, Nelson Cooke the pyrat, am a main character. Why I didn't think of this on my last book, I have no idea. In fiction, you can do anything you want and everyone thinks it's autobiographical. I will get so many more wenches this way. For instance, here is the picture of me from the new book:

I'm thinking if I'm going to go after a boatload of sperm, it's not going to be a thousand miles to sea in giantsquidland. The Nantucket whalers were famous for having "second wives" on the islands. I will use this as an excuse to draw one of those wives. For historical research-type reasons:

Flash takes a Saturday to learn, maybe part of Sunday depending how hung over you are. You can make the things any size, doesn't take no extra time. And the animation is easy. I found my old sig. You basically just tell Flash to move the brigs wherever you want: