The Pirate Hunter's Smarter Brother!

[The Doctor]

Jack catches the beaten and bewildered Inigo wandering about the pub. He plants a boot in Inigo's lower back propelling him toward Lady Barbosa.

"Enjoy, love! Leave enough for the liivestock!"

[Inigo Montoya]

Montoya rises from the lap of LadyBarbossa, and addresses Mad Jack. "Who say anyt'ing about roughing up ladies, jou eedeeot? I say she gon' enjoy sheself, once she ties sheself up! Doan' jou just hear dis Rumba Rue? She say, 'No hanging, no tables over, no rough stuff.' Jou know she run a tight pub. No rough stuff! No accordion players. No cow tipping. She hav' iron fist, she Rumba does."

He continues circling the periphery of the pub, skirting Mad Jack's reach, but regarding him angrily. "Who jou theenk you are, anyway: "The Pirate Hunter Hunter?" Well, two can play at that game, Meester Jack. (Can I jus' call you "Mad" for short?) I had hoped to avoid thees, but jou leaves me no choice. Prepare to meet..."The Pirate Hunter Hunter Hunter!"

He steps briskly to the door, withdraws a small silver whistle from beneath his shirt (wincing at the red stripe across his shoulder), and blows three sharp blasts. The door bursts open and is filled with a sudden mass of men in red satin robes. The one in the lead, brandishing a crozier, glares wildly round the room. He twirls the end of his mustache and shouts, "No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!"

At a brief nod from Montoya in the direction of Mad Jack, the Cardinal mutters to his subordinates, "We start with this one. Bring out...the rack!" Instantly several red-robed interlopers surround Jack, pinion his arms, yank him to his feet, and tie him to a dishrack. (Montoya watches their rapid progress with the ropes with deep approval, and some puzzlement.) Jack looks down at his abdomen in disbelief.

The Cardinal paces up and down past the bar, declaiming. "Yes, we have one weapon against the likes of you... Fear! Yes, fear, and sarcasm -- two...two weapons against you: fear, sarcasm, and whining--(sigh) all right, three, three weapons we have against you evil pirates: fear, sarcasm, and whining. And being holier than thou. ...Gahhh! Our four weapons are--"

Suddenly he stops in front of a particularly well-dressed pirate. "As for jou, Senor...Capitan...we have prepared our most diabolical torture. Oh jes, senor, we know too well that the rack and even the comfy chair are merely to be laughed at," the Spanish primate continues, "but there is one thing, one of our seegnature tortures, that will break even jou! Can jou guess what it is? Think!"

The pirate's defiant stare wavers slightly, as the realization dawns. "Surely not..." he begins, tentatively. The Cardinal's eyebrow raises sardonically. "Jes, Capitan. What ees the worst theeng to haunt your nightmares?" The hapless man's lower lip begins to tremble almost imperceptibly. "No...not..."

"Jes!" the Spaniard crows triumphantly. "Jeeeeessssss! ...The Hot Tub!"

"No! All that...!" The Pyrat's reserve cracks, and he emits a small shriek, in spite of himself. "Not that! Anything but that, I beg you!"

"Hahahahahahahh!" the Monsignor cackles. "And afterwards, one hundred posts in "The Dating Game!" The color drains from the pirate's face, his eyes roll backwards and he slumps to the floor.

[LadyBarbossa]

:: slightly raising a brow in a rather odd dull look, then rolls eyes as she makes a motion with the hand of yapping too much followed by a rolling over and over of the hand:::

"Said enough? Finished? Must ya go on an' on?" Those harsh eyes glaring at the Spanairds.

"Spanairds are good for only one thing...." pausing a moment with a devilish grin.

"Killing."

::Withdraws large saber and the pistol; wicked devils grin::

"Even God himself couldn't save ya now, bastards!

[Inigo Montoya]

Oh, for God's sake. I give up.

Just shoot me, LadyB. I'm sure that will make everyone laugh.

[Silkie McDonough]

Again I am moved to post from work! What’s with all the hostility! What's with running everyone through here at the pub? Can't you all just sit back and laugh a bit? Has the man done any harm? Jack is tied to a dish rack! ...Excuse me, a dish rack is tied to Jack ...I don't know but I find that rather humorous. His method of torture ...the Hot Tub and the Dating Game? Don’t you see the irony? Pleeeeeeease! Get real, this guy is funny! Let him do his stick!

[Merrydeath]

Merrydeath sits back to watch the show.. its not quite as good as Monty Python, but then no one expects.............. the Spanish Armada. That floating drek of a navy, proof that the Spanish are only good for finding uneducated natives and killing them. Imprisoning thousands just so they can have coffee and gold. No wonder they are called Come-kiss-my-drawers....

[Capt. Sterling]

Knowing better than to sit on his lap she sits beside him and offers a toast.

T'Capn' Sterlin'!

     

Interupting briefly.... Cheers Silkie... Sterling says bandaging up his own knee... Okay Spanish Dogs carry on with Jack there....

[LadyBarbossa]

Oh, for God's sake. I give up.

Just shoot me, LadyB. I'm sure that will make everyone laugh.

Laugh at your demise? No.

Take pleasure in it? Yes.

No.. I won't shot ya since ya requested it, sir.

I'm at the moment too generous to let ya be. Otherwise I'd have you an' your Spanish Inquisition layin' flat upon the floor all bound up and ready for the slaughter.

I think some descendents of the Aztecs and Incas would prefer some Spaniards... for the sacrifice. As much as I would LOVE to see that. What you being Spanish an' all... to watch them remove your hearts without killing you first.

It's an honor to be a sacrifice of theirs, ya know. Only the greatest of warriors and the sort are selected to be sacrificed to the Gods.

:::evil grinz:::

[Joaquin Andamun]

Eh, Inigo, I t'ink mebbe Lady B ees not yawning and weeshing jou jus' shut up wit de awful jokes. I t'ink mebbe she jus' dissing jou 'cause jou Spaniard. Eet called "beeing a carrot" ...no, dass note right... "beeing in a carrack"...ehhm... "in char-act-or." Sabe?

...Okay, I admit. Mebbe it ees de awful jokes after all.

[Inigo Montoya]

Eh, Inigo, I t'ink mebbe Lady B ees not yawning and weeshing jou jus' shut up wit de awful jokes.  I t'ink mebbe she jus' dissing jou 'cause jou Spaniard.  Eet called "beeing a carrot" ...no, dass note right... "beeing in a carrack"...ehhm... "in char-act-or." Sabe?

It ... I ... er ... uh ...

oh.

...Okay, I admit.  Mebbe it ees de awful jokes after all.

One of dese days, Joaquin. I warn jou... one of dese days jou gon' be Joaquin Andamun.

H'okay, den. Whose turn ees eet "to do ... something ... really ... stupid?"

[LadyBarbossa]

:::watches the 2 of them; amused:::

Well... it's either have your hearts ripped out by Aztecs and then your souls can belong to Billy Bones... or... sent to the the Depths by Davy Jones.

Your choice, gents.

:::evil grinz:::

[Inigo Montoya]

Merrydeath sits back to watch the show.. its not quite as good as Monty Python, but then no one expects.............. the Spanish Armada. That floating drek of a navy, ...

But dat's just an opinion, right? Nothing dere to indicate friendliness or unfriendliness?

[Inigo Montoya]

:::watches the 2 of them; amused:::

Well... it's either have your hearts ripped out by Aztecs and then your souls can belong to Billy Bones... or... sent to the the Depths by Davy Jones.

Your choice, gents.

:::evil grinz:::

Montoya glances up at Lady B, consternation on his face. "Jou sure about dis, Lady B? My HMO always make me get second opinion on major surgery. Second, I allergic to calamari." Lady Barbossa merely crosses her arms and looks implacable.

"Ohhhh...kay, den. I ... ehhhh.... choose what's behind Door Number Juan."

A random pirate leaps up and shouts enthusiastically, "It's a BRAND NEW CAR!" A thrown knife thunks into the doorjamb, missing his nose by a fraction of an inch. He blanches and swallows hard. "I mean, uh, it's uh, an all-new, expense paid vaction in TENOCHTITLAN!" Lady Barbossa nods in a satisfied manner.

The door bursts open and is filled with a boiling mass of natives. They sweep into the pub, and all is obscured in the ferocity of their occupation. A voice, Montoya's, is heard thinly above the din: "Don't turn over any tables! Rumba Rue weel be bery unhappyeeeee...." The throng rushes out the door, carrying Montoya, Andamun, and one or two spares with it.

[Thane Blackthorn]

Upon hearing 'bout the trouble in the pub involvin' me mates I grabs the scariest scallywags from me crew 'board the Red Hand and make for the pub.

We crashes into the pub. "What be goin' on in here!!!" says I. Behind meself I bring two lads who look more like trees then men who are always sayin' "NI!!!" Another French lad who can taunt like nobody's business. A rather tall man carrying a very menacing banana. And the scariest of the lot, a used boat salesman wearing a very loud plaid jacket.

I looks 'ver at me mate Mad Jack and sees the dish rack that he be tied to. Me eyes grow wide like.

"Ximinez!!!! Ye scurvy dog!! I be rememberin' that dish rack. That be the one ye tied me to two years past. And now I be seakin' me revenge." says I. Though I not be seein' him straight off I be knowin' he's 'round.

"Use the grapes, use the grapes." The tall fella wit the banana be tellin' me.

I holds up one hand and starts to count off just how many there be on the other side so to speak. "Let's see here, 1,2,3,4,5,err 6?" I says countin' the six fingers on me one hand.

All o sudden like one of the men dressed in a red robe (not Ximinez) come at the tall one wit the banana wit a cornflower blue seat cushion. The tall one let loose o the rope he be holdin' (where it came from I dinna know) and a 16 ton weight falls on the robed man.

"Ah, that be showin' him lad." Says I.

The French lad looks 'ver at Inigo Montoya and says, "yoor madder was a carbuncle, and yoor fadder smeelt of turtle droppings."

At first I be thinkin' I sees a tear in Montoya's eye, and a half crouch into the fetal position. But this Montoya be a strong one and held up under the pressure of the French mans taunts.

"Take who'ver ye please lads, but Ximinez is mine." says I.

[Merrydeath]

Merrydeath sits back to watch the show.. its not quite as good as Monty Python, but then no one expects.............. the Spanish Armada. That floating drek of a navy, ...

But dat's just an opinion, right? Nothing dere to indicate friendliness or unfriendliness?

I'm guessing you will jus have ta wait and see fer yourself.. if you don' t wake in the mornin... I guess I was unfriendly. (big evil smile, even the rats shiver)

you have til Three to make an apology about the HOT TUB, the closest thing we have to an orgy fest.. or an Ozzie fest.. or even a jello room..

Juan.. dose.. tree.... kwatro... Damn my spanish ain't what it used to be.. I used to be able to at least speak Menu..

Okay, you have until Thursday ta kiss up and make nice about me tub.. or I'll have squidface dancing with ya and holding ye TIGHT!!

Damn furrineers... and I don't mean foriegners... Spanish armada, my hiney!

[Admiral Von Uber-Pirate]

Vile all ze scurvvy dogs vithin the pub are laughink at der apparent defeat of the zwei spanish pirates; zeh fail to notice the landing of 25,000 crack imperial pirates of ze Master Crew. Zey have landed from the 1000 ships zat surround ze island. Ze Blitz landing!

Ze door to ze pub blasts open with the force of 25, 24lb cannon!!!!

As ze smoke begins to clear, ze pirates see 200 storm pirates rush into ze pub with zer blunderbuss gleamink from a fresh polishink und behind them comes the most fearful sight of all ..............

ADMIRAL VON UBER PIRATE ................ooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Ve of ze Master Crew have taken an interest in zis harbor und ze worthless inhabitants here. Ve have no intention of allowink inferior pirates to debase the purity of ze hallowed image of pirates everywhere!"

He strides back and forth ze floor of ze pub wit his right hand on his formidable Prussian pistol, with a precision made spyglass with 500mm Zeiss optics tucked under his left arm.

"Ve vill line up every pirate in zis island to see who passes our high standards of piratical perfection. Zose passing (which I assume will be perhaps ..........none!!!) vill be permitted to remain as pirates within ze Master Crew's fleet of perfect pirates."

"All others vill be stripped of their frivolous titles and comissions and zent to work at VAL-MART ....und you vill not be allowed to ever vander about besmerchink the image of pirate perfection ....und remember resistance is futile ....ve know vhere you live und ve know vhere your families are"

[Inigo Montoya]

you have til Three to make an apology about the HOT TUB, the closest thing we have to an orgy fest.. or an Ozzie fest.. or even a jello room..

Juan.. dose.. tree.... kwatro... Damn my spanish ain't what it used to be.. I used to be able to at least speak Menu..

Okay, you have until Thursday ta kiss up and make nice about me tub.. or I'll have squidface dancing with ya and holding ye TIGHT!!

The Cardinal turns to Merrydeath with unctuous solicitude. "My dear Ms. Death, where was it ever said that I disapprove? We merely tailor our ... mortifications ... to the particular perceptions of the recipient. For example, for you," suddenly his gaze turns steely cold, " we have... the Feather Boa! And ... the Glass of Cognac!"

[Capt. Sterling]

ADMIRAL VON UBER PIRATE ................ooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Talk about the ultimate Thread Nazi!

[Admiral Von Uber-Pirate]

Ve will tolerate no fancy pantz pirates here luitnant take ziz man out und shoot him zen hang him!!!

Zer vill no no reference to nazi's here! Zat is an insult to ze Master Crew und such insults vill not be tolerated! Ve have taken over zis island and you are now under ze order of ze MASTER CREW!!!!!

[Inigo Montoya]

The Cardinal eyes the Admiral coldly, a repressed fury glowing faintly in his eyes.

'So, we meet again, Admiral. You told me in your last ... confession ... that you would stop this nonsense in the future. Have you relapsed? Need I subject you once again to the torture of "The Ladies' Underwear"?'

[LongTom]

LongTom looks up to see the swiftly shrinking figures of Montoya and his sidekick, carried off on a sea of naked backs.

"Hey.... He never bought me my drink..."

[Admiral Von Uber-Pirate]

"take zis girly man in ze red dress out und keel haul him ....und for future reference i do no vear undervear it is a decadence ve will not permit"

"now ze first point of our inspection will begin ....let me zee your feet i do not want to see any man or woman wearink shoes zat vere made from cows killed and tanned after 1720!!! zey are not authentic pirate shoes ......und zey vill be hand cobbled!! failure to have ze proper footvear vill result in the deportation to ze nearest VAL-MART und assigned greeter duties!!!"

[Rumba Rue]

[Admiral Von Uber-Pirate]

"Und now to ze ladies...... every brasier will be removed and tossed onto ze fire!!! Und zer will be no lace or thong or bikini knickers you will each be expected to present yourselves in period crothless pantaloons and underpinnings with no exceptions with bodices of the proper period designs (no Victorian corsets trying to be passed off as period correct bodices) with proper whalebone stays; unless you choose to shed female attire all together and dress and perform as men on board ships of the Master Crew! But ve will only accept 1% of female crew members; ze rest must be either harlots or servink wenches or zey must leave ze pub area!!!

[LadyBarbossa]

::: having sat back and watched all this::: French, Spanish, English, Prussian...

Gents... I must say now.. you have finally amused me to no extent. :)

Brazier?

Admiral... what makes you think that we Ladies wear any braziers? Hmm?

:::Swiftly withdraws saber and puts it to the Admiral's throat::: Sorry, luv. I don't take orders 'specially when it's bad for my health. Nor shall I be the wench to be at the beacon call of mortal men.

Please... don't threaten this Lady... I can have you facing Davy Jones faster than you can have me dancing at the end of the Hangman's Necklace.

Oh, and Admiral... keep your bleedin' Jagercorps at bay. I'd hate to damage those pretty horses. I did learn from some of the best in Europe and the Colonies in warfare.

As to you Spanairds... :::motions to the sacrificing table:: the Natives await. Step to!!

Otherwise... I'll have t' send you to the tiger's pit. I'm sure the Rajah would enjoy a specticle.

~Lady B