Black Syren Posted June 2, 2006 Share Posted June 2, 2006 ok I know in places it does not flow smoothly but I would be honored for feedback... The winds were sneaky this day coming and going, teasing the senses and the sails then skipping away again. A call was sent to reef the sails and they would sit until the winds were more favorable. Now that the men had free time some played dice on the decks, others strolled or slept. But not the Siren, she stood at the bow and watched as the fog crept over the sea like long fingers of death seeking to stop them. The heavy pewter shroud soon surrounded them and the air grew heavy and humid, unnatural. The men grumbled and rose to move to the rails discomfitted by the happenings, but not the Siren. She moved away from the rails and walked the decks mingling with her men teasing them, drawing them from their unease. Suddenly a sound shattered the stillness and being on open sea sound carried, her crew immediately went silent;listening. Many voices speaking spainish resounded in the unnatural mire and Siren grinned. A galleon if they were lucky. She decided to have a wee bit of fun and bolster here crew so she moved to the rails listening and shaking ehr head at the foolish spainards. Her crew gathered round knowing what was to come and cleary enjoyed the consequences as they all grinned. A voice surreal and soft swept from her to tease and tantalize the senses. She paused her eyes glinting with mischief as discord suddenly broke out La Sirena being called out in panic. She had to bite her lip to keep from laughing several of her own crew chortling. When she had regained herself she took a deep breath and the power of her voice rose to the heavens, passionate, sultry. The notes rippled and soared then dropped to rise yet again and then fade softly. Panic gave way to chaos and she laughed tossing her knee length braid. "They are stuck here as we are, when the fog lifts we will take them. Until then I shall keep them on their toes eh?" she called softly. All her men agreed and preperations for battle at sea were soon silently underway. Blue green eyes heavily lined with kohl swept over the fog as if seeking her victim. She moved to her cabin and knelt, making the sign of the cross she prayed for the safety of her crew and then returned to the bow and said a prayer to Neptune to keep them safe. Suddenly the winds blew and the sails were unfurled and the small sloop Posedion bucked and skipped over the waves. now for their victims..Again her voice sang out, luring them just as any good Siren should. The prow of the Galleon broke through the mists large and cumbersome in the seas, the waves crashing into it's bulk which seemed more like an albatross compared to the deadly elegance of the small royal sloop that awaited it like a sea eagle graceful and swift. The sails were being reefed and was already presenting a broadside when the belch of single canonfire resounded, the ball aimed over the bow of the ship. A warning shot, friendly yet deadly earnest. The Galleon was cumbersone but had more men and cannon than the sloop, but the sloop was agile and could quickly cut the Galleons masts leaving them assunder. And if that were not enough the triple blades that shone like fins as the light caught them through the waters guaranteed a hull ripped and savaged leaving them to the mercy of the sea and Davy Jones hisself. The Capitan looked over the small ship having never seen such a thing. It not only bore blades in it's hull but was fantastical for the rails held carvings of Sirens and sea creatures, the figurehead was that of Neptune his trident upraised and a malice filled look given to all. Truly it was a trrifying visage and yet it was spellbinding as had been the voice. But still they had much to protect on board and would not easily give. The call for battle was given and Siren overhearing this gave a grim smile. "Let's make this quick fellas, I smell gold on that ship and Tortuga be not that far away and neither is Port Royal. Take them and let's leave them with a parting gift eh? Load the long nines with chain shot and take the main mast. Send a volley of grape shot afterwards towards the rest of their sails. Lets disable them first. Then we'll blow them to hell and back." She said with a steely look in her eyes. "Capitan' this is your last chance for surrender else ye will not have much of a ship nor crew left. Tis your final warning. Oh and allow me to introduce myself..." Here she moved to the rail and gave a mocking bow long knee length raven braid whipping about her, shirt half unlaced, leather breeks that molded to her figure and showed bare skin from knee to hip as they were laced. A baldric crossed ehr chest fully armed, a cutlass rested at her left hip and her whip rested slightly above that. "I am the Siren at your service." She could see the shock on the Capitans face as he weighed his options, defeat to a woman, and a pirate at that. Or fight their way free, but then his chances there were nil for her sloop was favorable in these waters due to it's size and agility in the sea. He called the orders to hold their stations and bid her come aboard. Grappling hooks were soon cast and Siren and Chavez quickly swung across with the rest of her crew. Still she remained alert for any trickery that may come to pass, for they were outnumbered here and well she knew it, and by the gleam in the Capitan's eye he knew it as well. "I shall need to see your manifest Capitan please send someone for it, until then you are a hostage of sorts for good behavior.' Seeing his surprise she smiled grimly "Im a woman Capitan not stupid." She inclined her head regally to him then called to those on the ship "I am The Siren and I will curse this ship and all upon it if all is not done exactly as I wish it. If there is anything hidden upon this ship not upon the manifest my crew will find it. Again I ask you to speak now for a curse will be laid if it is not." Men were damned easy to speak to, one just really need know of their fears and being sailors these were afraid of Women on board ships, and of course one professing to be a Siren…Did any other words need to be spoken? And Of course not for now there was a scurry of activity and many voices speaking at once and the Capitan suddenly looked well and truly defeated. One word did pass her attention and she tilted her chin with aggression. "Women? You have women captives upon this ship Capitan? For shame. Bring them up as my men divest you of your treasures." By now Chavez and Mullet were reviewing the Manifest and directing the Capitans crew to bring up what was listed and what was not. She in turn awaited the women. She would drop them in the next port, no women should be forced to travel with such foreign bilge rats as these. http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v519/Dara286/trident01-11.png If you got a dream chase it, cause a dream won't chase you back...(Cody Johnson Till you Can't) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PyratePhil Posted June 2, 2006 Share Posted June 2, 2006 WHOA!!! Where'd THAT come from??? I prostrate myself before you, Lady... That...is...fantastic... ...Qui desiderat pacem, praeparet bellum... ~ Vegetius Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Black Syren Posted June 2, 2006 Author Share Posted June 2, 2006 It's something I wrote for a rp im in..but im thinking of adding more to it and doing something with it. Is it really ok? *anxious nibbling on nails* http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v519/Dara286/trident01-11.png If you got a dream chase it, cause a dream won't chase you back...(Cody Johnson Till you Can't) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PyratePhil Posted June 3, 2006 Share Posted June 3, 2006 Depends what you want to do with it... Who is your audience? Why should they care about The Siren? What makes her special? What is her Tragic Flaw? Do you want to write a book, a series, use it solely for RP...each use will have its own set of conditions that you need to meet. Have you developed an in-depth background on her? It's SO much easier to write a character when you know their history...make it as plush as possible... Aside from those points, and the usual sniddly things like punctuation and grammar that are corrected in later drafts (usually over several bottles of strong rum!), I think you have the nucleus of a winner! ...Qui desiderat pacem, praeparet bellum... ~ Vegetius Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Black Syren Posted June 3, 2006 Author Share Posted June 3, 2006 Well as I created her and she is near and dear to me I would have to say I know her very well. Im thinking maybe a short story or a comic book type...not sure yet. http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v519/Dara286/trident01-11.png If you got a dream chase it, cause a dream won't chase you back...(Cody Johnson Till you Can't) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PyratePhil Posted June 3, 2006 Share Posted June 3, 2006 Okey-doke. Don't be fooled, though - I've created a LOT of characters that surprised me, amazed me, or just downright stumped me in the middle of a story because I wasn't aware of one of their qualities. I can't emphasize this enough: WRITE DOWN a detailed bio for La Siren. If nothing else, the time you spend doing it may produce fruit from an unexpected direction... I'm not familiar with comic book storyboarding or character development, so that's something you'd need to research on your own. Sorry. For short stories - sure, she'd be a natural. Again, think of who your audience will be - gender, age range, intelligence...just like taking a marketing approach to a new car, you need to target Siren very carefully. When the day comes that you want to sell the rights to Bantam or some such, the acquisitions editor will want to know exactly WHO she appeals to, and WHY. ...Qui desiderat pacem, praeparet bellum... ~ Vegetius Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Black Syren Posted June 3, 2006 Author Share Posted June 3, 2006 Thanks Phil..those are very good suggestions. I will work on her bio and go from there. Im thinking maybe teens...not sure just yet. Could turn her into a romance..*grins* http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v519/Dara286/trident01-11.png If you got a dream chase it, cause a dream won't chase you back...(Cody Johnson Till you Can't) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PyratePhil Posted June 3, 2006 Share Posted June 3, 2006 Could turn her into a romance..*grins* Well, if you need some cover art of the hunky, bare-chested naughty Pyrate, you know where to look... ...Qui desiderat pacem, praeparet bellum... ~ Vegetius Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Black Syren Posted June 3, 2006 Author Share Posted June 3, 2006 Of course...I would be honored..*grins* still have a long way to go with it..Just wanted opinions first. By the way Fabio..Ill be needing to see some of yer pics..*laughs* http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v519/Dara286/trident01-11.png If you got a dream chase it, cause a dream won't chase you back...(Cody Johnson Till you Can't) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PyratePhil Posted June 3, 2006 Share Posted June 3, 2006 ...Qui desiderat pacem, praeparet bellum... ~ Vegetius Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Black Syren Posted June 3, 2006 Author Share Posted June 3, 2006 Your hired! Be that really you? http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v519/Dara286/trident01-11.png If you got a dream chase it, cause a dream won't chase you back...(Cody Johnson Till you Can't) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PyratePhil Posted June 3, 2006 Share Posted June 3, 2006 Be that really you? ...actually, it's my first wife... Of course it's me - not a very good pic, but that's me... ...Qui desiderat pacem, praeparet bellum... ~ Vegetius Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Black Syren Posted June 3, 2006 Author Share Posted June 3, 2006 Well you are hired but should you not have auditioned in full Pyrate togs? http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v519/Dara286/trident01-11.png If you got a dream chase it, cause a dream won't chase you back...(Cody Johnson Till you Can't) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PyratePhil Posted June 3, 2006 Share Posted June 3, 2006 *sigh*...the things we do for money...very well... ...Qui desiderat pacem, praeparet bellum... ~ Vegetius Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Black Syren Posted June 3, 2006 Author Share Posted June 3, 2006 A parrot and the pub pin... Yep now that be the mark of a Pyrate! Very nice pics by the way. http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v519/Dara286/trident01-11.png If you got a dream chase it, cause a dream won't chase you back...(Cody Johnson Till you Can't) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PyratePhil Posted June 3, 2006 Share Posted June 3, 2006 Dorky but true! ...Qui desiderat pacem, praeparet bellum... ~ Vegetius Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Black Syren Posted June 3, 2006 Author Share Posted June 3, 2006 Ill have to keep Christine away from my model's pics..Drooling tends to make horrid things happen to pictures. :) still I do thank you for your input..I almost did not post it here at all... http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v519/Dara286/trident01-11.png If you got a dream chase it, cause a dream won't chase you back...(Cody Johnson Till you Can't) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PyratePhil Posted June 3, 2006 Share Posted June 3, 2006 I'm glad you did - it was / is great! ...Qui desiderat pacem, praeparet bellum... ~ Vegetius Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Black Syren Posted June 3, 2006 Author Share Posted June 3, 2006 Well I was very nervous about posting it and I know it has errors and it could be way better. But it's always good to get others opinions as well. All the stuff I have done were more for children and I have a series im writing based on The Littlest Pirate. And history recently helped actually finding the remains of the Littlest Pirate. This was just something for a rp but snared my fancy and of course I have been working on a romance as well..We shall just have to see. I have another short story I am working on as well that I can send you if intrested. The Serpent Queen..Again it's a very rough draft...But I can see it going places. http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v519/Dara286/trident01-11.png If you got a dream chase it, cause a dream won't chase you back...(Cody Johnson Till you Can't) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PyratePhil Posted June 3, 2006 Share Posted June 3, 2006 ...The Serpent Queen?... ...didn't that star Ron Jeremy and... ...oops...sorry...wrong genre... ...Qui desiderat pacem, praeparet bellum... ~ Vegetius Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Black Syren Posted June 3, 2006 Author Share Posted June 3, 2006 Aren't you funny. Want to read it if so Ill post it here..it's a very rough draft like I said.. http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v519/Dara286/trident01-11.png If you got a dream chase it, cause a dream won't chase you back...(Cody Johnson Till you Can't) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PyratePhil Posted June 3, 2006 Share Posted June 3, 2006 Yes Yes Yes! Then I'll have to return the favor and send you something I'm working on - almost ready for publication (e-book / maybe self-published softcover)...totally different than yours - sort of a semiautobiographical novelette ...Qui desiderat pacem, praeparet bellum... ~ Vegetius Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Black Syren Posted June 3, 2006 Author Share Posted June 3, 2006 Ok this is An Elven Maiden facing a Drow....Fantasy. Go here Captain's Quarters- The Serpent Queen. http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v519/Dara286/trident01-11.png If you got a dream chase it, cause a dream won't chase you back...(Cody Johnson Till you Can't) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PyratePhil Posted June 3, 2006 Share Posted June 3, 2006 Wow - you must have spent a lot of time on that! Lot of rich detail... Excellent! ...Qui desiderat pacem, praeparet bellum... ~ Vegetius Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Black Syren Posted June 3, 2006 Author Share Posted June 3, 2006 Actually it took me about an hour to write. But Thank you. I have been working on changing some things within it to make it better and I still need to finish writing it as well. http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v519/Dara286/trident01-11.png If you got a dream chase it, cause a dream won't chase you back...(Cody Johnson Till you Can't) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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