It has begun.....

[Mad Matt]

So.....for those of you who have been there before, tell me what to expect. If you want to use this thread just to vent about your ex, carry on. I've never even KNOWN any close friends in my life who've been divorced, so I have no clue what to expect.

I may be planning weekend trips to the ocean every now and then to try and collect what's left of my sanity!

[Blackfoot]

Mad Matt, Oh no, it doesn't sound good. I have been divorced for a few years now. All I can say after broken or angry hearts, sadness, and bad or good memories, take a deep breath and go on. Life has it's low points but it can't stay like that forever. With my divorce I kept it simple. No lawers and we had a verbal agreement on child support. It's still working and I am fortunately still friends with my Ex. Children it's a whole new ball game. That's what made me hurt. Not living with your children could be tough. No matter how much divorce might be wanted from one or both people, it still hurts some way or some how. It does get better and easier. I am there for you Brother!!

[Mad Matt]

Aye. We have a daughter together. That may be the most difficult part of it all....

[Blackfoot]

Definately! The separation is difficult. The other is when your ex finds another man who seems to think he has "taken over" as a father to your daughter. Not so! What I did with my kids is have a long talk with them telling them, "I will always be their Dad." I would call them every other night just to remind them and show my support. The biggest test for them is when my ex re-married, the pastor told my kids they could change their last names to the man my ex-wife married. My kids knew it was dumb advice. I am sure that daughter of yours knows you love her with all of your heart. That's all that matters.

[hurricane]

Sorry to hear that lad. As a two time striker outter, I can tell you that you will recover, move on and have a great life. My son is now 3000 miles away from me, but we teleconference via video and call all the time. And he spends holidays and the summers with me. In many respects our relationship is better because we actually spend a lot more quality time together - not the go play video games in your room type things. My daughter is now 24 and she turned out great - far better than 95% of all people her age. And her mother and I were divorced when she was 2. So it's all about how you approach things. You have to go through the loss thing and then stop looking back and only look forward.

PM me if ya got specific questions. As I said, I've been through it all.

-- Hurricane

[Fox]

Only been through the divorce mill once. I won't lie and pretend it was easy, but it sure does get easier with time. Once we'd actually got to the stage of the divorce we both knew where we were and where we were going, so in many ways it was the months between the marriage breaking down and the divorce which was the hardest. We were fairly lucky, we had no kids and our stuff was easy to divide, so there was no disagreement. And yeah, trips to the sea is no bad thing. I went a bit wild, became a teenager again, drank anything put in front of me and slept with everyone that didn't say no. Moving back to the sea sorted me out overnight.

On the subject of kids though, my girlfirend's parents were divorced when she was about 4, and her stepdad (a complete shit) insisted that contact was broken between the kids and their father. This very weekend she has gone to see her real dad for the first time in 16 years, and they've had a wonderful time, memories flooded back, and they knew instantly they saw each other what they'd missed and how much they still loved one another after all these years. Kids never forget their love for their parents, even if they don't see them for 16 years. You'll be fine Matt and whatever happens your daughter will always love you.

Have a beer mate.

[Caraccioli]

It pretty much goes like this:

1. Denial

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

Someone told me about the 5 stages of grief at the outset and I didn't want to follow them, but it pretty much went exactly like that. You may even go back and forth for awhile (2-3-4, 2-3-4. 2-3-4). Just don't get stuck in any of them for extended periods of time and you'll be all right at the back of it.

If you take the time to learn a bit about yourself in the process, it can even be rewarding on a certain level as several people have suggested.

[Rumba Rue]

Ah, you guys got it lucky, me on the other hand...the first two were no problem to get a divorce from, but the third, gave me absolute hell and beyond! (and no children involved)

I guess that's why I've shied away from marriage, I don't want to go through what I went through with number 3.

It's been 12 years since the nasty divorce, but it has left a wound in me that will never heal. Trust me, it was soooo bad, that it just pisses me off everytime I think about it...

There were many things we fought over like how much alimony I was going to get and for how long.

But the worst (and I'll never forget it) was when he accused me of faking my back problems even though he knew it was true! He even made me go to a doctor who tried to prove me wrong, but couldn't.

There were other things too, but I don't want to go into it.

It was just ugly- there is no other word for it.

[Red-Handed Jill]

I haven't been divorced myself, but have seen quite a few friends through the process. From the standpoint of frequent observer, my best advice is to keep things in perspective, particularly if there are children involved. This is a lot easier if the reason for the divorce was "we just can't live together anymore/we've both grown apart" rather than "you slept with my (former) best friend!"

I did have a rather bizarre breakup in a common-law relationship that involved getting entangled in an FBI investigation and having a third party threaten to kill me because of a misunderstanding about my role in this case. The reason my ex became my ex was because he crumpled like wet tissue and refused to do anything to help the situation, other than look for an escape for himself and then give up. I suddenly had a giant millstone around my neck and had to constantly look over my shoulder (and in my truck for bombs) and he was more of a hindrance than anything else. I didn't want go through this with him every time something got tough, so we parted ways. So, no fighting about alimony or child custody, but I got to experience nine months of hell and wondering if I was going to live or die. But, I was able to solve the case for the FBI and when the fugitive in question called me from jail, I was able to tell him with great pleasure who put him there.

[Mad Matt]

Thanks for everyone's thoughts.

I've seen emails back and forth from the wife with her friend. (No, not bein' sneaky, it's a family email account.) Looks like she's making plans to go drinking with friends, maybe get a new tattoo or a piercing....yeah, well....

So, as I was saying.....uhhhh....looks like it won't be getting any better, although I do still try to be cordial. Luckily our work schedules don't let us see each other much. Unfortunately, our days off coincide. This weekend is gonna be a bitch!

My current job affords me WAY too much time to think. I began thinking of the emptiness once I move out. I've had someone with me for 10 years and soon it will be just me. I found I can't listen to the radio much anymore. Every other song is "love this" or "love that".

Wish me luck. It's time t' start drynkin'. Might hafta crank up the Metallica. No chance of love songs, there!

[BLACK JACK SHALAQ]

.....MY BEST ADVICE TO YOU OL' MATE IS TO DRINK HEAVILY AND TAKE UP A HOBBY. SOMETHING LIKE STARTING A GUN COLLECTION.

[Mad Matt]

I've been thinking about moving back to Cali. If I didn't need the money t' move, gun collecting would be right up my alley.

[Caraccioli]

My current job affords me WAY too much time to think. I began thinking of the emptiness once I move out. I've had someone with me for 10 years and soon it will be just me. I found I can't listen to the radio much anymore. Every other song is "love this" or "love that".

Yeah, I remember that part succinctly. It really sucks. Don't listen to the radio...sad songs say wayyyyyy too much. (Although the radio problem does go away after a week or two - unless you're an Feeling type. Then it probably never goes away, but you're probably used to that by now.)

[Mad Matt]

Never thought I was a feeling type before. Maybe things have changed, somewhat.

After everything's said and done, maybe I can get my guitar and become a musical virtuoso. Well, maybe not, but I'll need an outlet.

I've recently been almost living in and around my weights. I'm already getting bigger. At the rate I'm going, I'll be huge if I don't get hurt first. It's nice to take out the agression on something inanimate.

I'm gonna try to be off the board for a while. I don't know when or if I will come back. Thanks for all the help, everyone. Keep this thread around for those that may need it.

Vaya con Dios.

[Merrydeath]

Good luck, Matt... and I hope all goes well.. I noticed you taking off too late for me say good night, but I do hope things work out..

hugs....

[Diego Santana de la Vega]

mate you gave me council beyond any others compare I see it as though it were prqctice in your favor. I hates ta see any break up I been through a few and one nasty arsed one here with all me friends about. Stay close to yer little girl she'll always love you if you always tell her the truth. The truth is an important thing some people never understand. God be with you and all you endeavor.

[Bonnie Red Weasel]

The truth is an important thing some people never understand.

True.

[Red-Handed Jill]

Aye, but isn't truth subjective? What is true to one person might not be as true for another. I think that's where a lot of difficulties lie, in the distance between the two. But being honest and upfront with someone tends to go a long way towards closing the distance. This goes for one's children as well as other loved ones.

Matt - I hope you make it back here!

[DeadcrowIsland]

Aye, divorce be a nasty thing. Many o' me friend's lives have been near shattered by it. One man in me neighbourhood spends almost every wakin' minute that ain't spent at work drinkin', I'm surprised he hasn't gotten alcohol poisoning. I always knew he was a heavy drinker, but he now drinks so much he forgets everyones' name, and he's lived 'ere long as I can remember. Hope ye make it through all right mate.

[Black Hearted Pearl]

Mad Matt,

The Lake Pleasant racing season is starting up. It's not that far from Prescott. There's always people (male boat owners) looking for crew, especially a strong male. (They don't like female crew too much, so we have all female crews...ba$tard$.) There's no better calling then the water or better mistress than a boat.

[Christine]

Well Matt luv, I've never been married, but I know many friends, even my parents who went thru divorce. It's not an easy thing. I hope everything goes well. Hugs, kisses and good thoughts I'll send to ya!

[PyratePhil]

I was married for one gloriously happy year.

Well...I was married for 15 years, actually, but only one of them was happy.

(Ba-DUMM)

Truth - the first 13 years were great. The last two were getting progressively worse, with no attempts on either of our parts seeming to make a difference. With us, it was just a slow shift apart of our basic ways and ideas of living, i.e.- change, inevitable change. Which now makes me agree more with some folks that the entire premise of marriage is somehow skewed - if not for everyone, then at least for me. Yet, I still feel the urge to be committed to one person...go figure.

We did the deed ourselves without a lawyer, drew up our own papers and child support agreements, have been divorced now for about 4 years. It DOES get, if not easier, at least more bearable after a while, Matt. We still consider ourselves "co-parents" (definition: we BOTH beat the kids ) and we are on fairly friendly terms. She has a steady guy friend now, and at first it struck me as being strange seeing her with another guy, but then I think I learned to accept it and wish her happiness.

Me?

Awww...I'm just saving myself for Christine.

Good luck, my friend - you'll do well, I know you will.

[Mad Matt]

Just an update since so many have expressed well-wishes.

The wife (soon-to-be-ex) took a trip to SoCal this weekend (her family is there). She came back late last night. Told me today when I got home from work that she will probably be in Cali within two months. Her mother offered her a place to stay until she can get working and then her own place.

Our daughter will stay with me until school is out, then she will go to Cali with her mother. We have so far been mostly amiable about the situation and have also agreed that we can divide our own assets and will also "co-parent" with her as the person our daughter will reside with.

For now, that leaves me here in Aridzona. But like I imagined, I will probably move back to SoCal somewhere to be closer to my daughter. Just not sure of the timeline, yet.

Thanks to everyone for your support. Some days are worse than others. I tend to keep an even keel, but there are days she goes high and to the right.

Still sucking it up and driving on....

-Matt-

[Rumba Rue]

I think I remember you saying you worked for the police dept.? I don't know what aspect (though you seem to be on the computer to here a lot), but I do know that jobs at the police depts. here are always looking for good guys.

Unfortunately living in So.Cal. is far more expensive than Arizona.

[Durty Mick Moon]

aye, Matt, me friend, I be most sorry to hear o yer troubles....I be thinkin times that half o life be troubles n the other half none....someone once said somethin like "that which doesn't kill ya makes ya better n stronger"....er somethin to that effect.....so think o how strong ye be gettin....and I think it be through adversity, when we be truly challenged, that we become better and wiser folks.....I toast the great wise pyrate ye be turnin into....