jokes

[Skull pyrate Carter]

Okay some of those had me rolling.

[Rummy3]

Good ones, Barbados Sam!

Try this:

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how

many kinds of boobies are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of

breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round

and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice

but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum,

how many kinds of 'willies' are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles &

answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases.

In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In

his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After

his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

[Barbados Sam]

Arrrrr....and it only comes once a year!

[Barbados Sam]

Helen Keller Jokes

How did Helen Keller burn her ear?

Answering the iron.

How did she burn her other ear?

Call waiting.

Why don't blind people parachute?

It scares the hell out of the dog.

What did HK do when she fell off the cliff?

She screamed her hands off.

Why was HK's leg wet?

Her dog is blind too.

What is HK's favorite color?

Corduroy.

How can you tell if HK brushed her teeth?

By the Gleem in her eye.

How did HK meet her husband?

On a blind date.

Why was HK's face scarred?

Learning to eat with a fork.

What did HK say when she picked up a cheese grater?

It was the most violent book she ever read.

Why does HK masturbate with her left hand?

So she can moan with her right hand.

How did HK learn to masturbate?

Trying to read her own lips.

[Barbados Sam]

An Irish man walks into a pub and orders three shots of whiskey. The bartender asks why he wants them all at once. The Irish man replies,

"Me two brothers moved away, and we all agreed before they left that every day we would have a drink together."

This went on every day for about a year. Then one day the Irishman walks in quietly and just orders 2 shots.

The bartender brings over the shots and asks "Laddy, yer only drinkin' two shots....did one of yer brothers pass on?

"Nah", he replies, "My doctor told me I had to quit drinking"

[Diego Santana de la Vega]

Barbados Sam Posted on Nov 15 2005, 07:24 AM

Arrrrr....and it only comes once a year!

Try this:[/b][/color][/font]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how

many kinds of boobies are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of

breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round

and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice

but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum,

how many kinds of 'willies' are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles &

answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases.

In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In

his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After

his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

Hey! I'm fifty (plus) and I don't resemble that remark! Either of em!

[Rumba Rue]

Rummy, that joke was so good I had to pass it onto some friends.

[Barbados Sam]

BEER, FISHING, GOLF AND SEX

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

[Barbados Sam]

An attractive professional woman and a business man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning in upstate New York just south of Plattsburgh; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God Works in Mysterious Ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!

There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be intimate friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered and interested, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!" The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle.

My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.

Surely

God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and Immediately puts the cork back in, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are clever....don't mess with 'em

[Barbados Sam]

An elderly woman is visiting Spain and attends her first bull fight. After the fight, she overhears a couple next to her say they are going to rush accross the street to a nearby restaurant to have the Matador Special.

So, she wanders over and as she enters the restaurant, music starts playing, everyone stands up and cheers erupt as a man in a white suit emerges from the kitchen holding a silver platter high above his head.

The lady watches as the waiter brings the platter to a very happy guest, sets the platter down, removes the cover and displays two very large round objects covered in sauce. The lady asks the host what is going on, and he tells her that the platter is the Matador Special. After a bull fight, the bull's testicles are removed and prepared with special seasonings and sauces, then served to a lucky guest. It is considered a regional delicacy.

The lady is salivating now as she asks to have the Matador Special herself. I'm sorry, the host replied, but there is only one bull fight per day, so only one special.

The next day, the lady is determined to have the Matador Special, so instead of attending the bull fight, she waits at the restaurant and is the first person seated. "I'll have the Matador Special" she exlaims. Very well, she is told....as soon as the fight is over, her special will be prepared and brought to her table.

She hears the roar of the crowd across the street and knows the fight has just ended.....now she waits in anticipation for her meal.

Suddenly, the kitchen doors fly open, the music starts, people stand and cheer as her platter winds it's way over to her table. She can barely contain her excitement as the waiter sets down the platter and pulls off the lid.

Much to her suprise, instead of finding two softball sized orbs on her plate, she sees two tiny golf ball sized nuggets swimming in sauce.

"Wait a minute buster", she stammers, "Yesterday the guest was served two large, juicy, lucious looking testicles....why are mine so small?"

"Well Senora....sometimes the bull doesn't lose"

[Rummy3]

A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a

gorgeous woman. He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He

asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book. It says

that American Indians have the longest penises and Italian men are

the best in bed. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"

"Tonto Tortolini, nice to meet you."

[Diego Santana de la Vega]

The Three Rings Of Marriage:

The engagement ring

The wedding ring

and

The suffering

[Rummy3]

BRAT! - I guess that's why there are no rings on my fingers!

OK - try this one:

A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club.

One day she goes up and knocks on the club's door.

A big, hairy, bearded biker guy with tattoos all over his arms answers

the door.

She proclaims, "I want to join your club."

The biker was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker

requirements in order to join. The biker asks, "Do you have a motorcycle?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep...my bike's parked over there," and

points to a Harley in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?"

The little ole lady replies, "Yep...drink like a fish.I'll drink any

man in your club under the table."

The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney.

At least 4 packs a day and a couple of cigars in the evening when I am

shooting pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks the Last Question.

"Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says,

"Nope, but I've been swung around by the nipples."

[Rummy3]

A bachelor tried to take a vacation every summer. He

was a golf nut and spent two weeks at Hilton Head. Last summer he met a

woman out there and fell head over heels in love with her. On the

last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a

serious talk about how they would continue the relationship. They agreed

that total honesty was important so there would be "no surprises" later

that would destroy their love.

"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed

said to his lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a

problem, you'd better say so now." "Well, if we're being honest with

each other, here goes," she replied.

"I'm a hooker."

"I see," Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment. Then

he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your

wrists straight when you tee off."

[Diego Santana de la Vega]

And she said no! really I'm a hooker and he said that's ok I'm a cop marry me!

[Captain Bob]

A man moved into a nudist colony. Soon thereafter, he received a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current picture of himself at his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know he was living in a nudist colony, he cut a photo in half, but accidentally sent the wrong half of the photo. He worries when he realizes what he has done, but remembering how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, he hopes that she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives another letter from his grandmother. It says:

"Dear Grandson:

Thank you for the picture. You didn't tell me you changed your hair style! It makes your nose look short.

Love, Grandma"

[Barbados Sam]

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state,

dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.

If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

[Barbados Sam]

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog For Sale"

He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting

there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I

was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government. So, I told the CIA about my gift. In no time at all, they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so

cheap?"

Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

[Barbados Sam]

Diego was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up booze and women"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Diego looked up again and said "Never mind. I found one."

[Rumba Rue]

BAWAHAAAAAAA!

Two very good ones Sam!

[Barbados Sam]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a

little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both

breasts for a while in a detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is

underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

[Biker]

Hey Rummy, have ya heard there is 3 stages of sex in a marriage?? there's the newlywed sex where ya go at it wherever. then come bedroom sex, where its only in the bedroom. and after 15 years you have hallway sex. thats where ya pass each other in the hallway, look at each other and say "Fuck You"

How about some puns?

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2 Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, " I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ...(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[lady snow]

for you musical types:

a 'c', 'e flat' and a 'g' walk into the bar. the barkeep takes one look at them and yells, 'get out of here, i don't serve minors!'

[Durty Mick Moon]

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock" the drunk replied.

A talking clock? "Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup." replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it. "Watch" the man said.

He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed "For god sake, you sshole....it's ten past three in the morning!"

[Shipwreck John]

Young Kristin, the editor of our trivia publication, was having

trouble with her computer. So she called Wes, the computer guy,

over to her desk.

Wes clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was

walking away Kristin called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

And he replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

A puzzled expression ran riot over Kristin's face. "An ID ten T

error?" What's that in case I need to fix it again?"

He gave her a grin. "Haven't you ever seen an ID ten T error before?"

"No."

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So she pulled out a piece of paper and marked down, I-D-one-zero-T,

and stared at it for a second while Wes beat a hasty retreat.

Needless to say he gave Kristin's desk a wide berth the rest of the day.