jokes

[Diego Santana de la Vega]

Ah geez, i left a wet spot....

Nope not even gunna touch that one

Other than to say I think all of you are really out doing yourselves here entertaining the gorillas! Huzzah!

[Barbados Sam]

Quality jokes to offend everybody.

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and

good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?

Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?

He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on

Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?

They named him "Sum Ting Wong".

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?

They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage

along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." -A southern fairytale

begins "Y'all ain'tgonnabelievethisshit....

Why is there no Disneyland in China?

No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

[Durty Mick Moon]

I drive a BMW.....

[Christine]

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, my goodness, those are so damn funny! I have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard! Thank you Barbados!

[tishsparrow]

is THAT why my school doesnt get to use the driver's ed cars too much?

[Rummy3]

The Husband Store

A store that sells husbands has recently opened. The store is a place

where women may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is

composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the

shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the

door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go

up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

A woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: "Floor 1 - These men

have jobs." The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well,

that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The 2nd floor sign reads -- "These men have jobs and love kids." The

woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?"

And up she goes again.

The 3rd floor sign reads -- "These men have jobs, love kids and are

extremely good looking." "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder

what's upstairs?"

The 4th floor sign reads -- "These men have jobs, love kids, are

extremely

good looking and help with the housework." "Wow," exclaims the

woman, "very tempting ... BUT, there must be better picks further

up!" And

again

she heads up another flight.

The 5th floor sign reads -- "These men have jobs, love kids, are

extremely

good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."

"Oh, mercy me! But just think ... what must be awaiting me further on?"

So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The 6th floor sign reads -- "You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor.

There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that

women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at Husband-Mart

and have a nice day."

[Skull pyrate Carter]

That is one of my favorite jokes!

[Christine]

Ah, yeah, I remember hearing that one at work. Except it was told a little differently, no mention of kids or housework. The first floors were of short and not attractive men, but are rich. Then it had tall and attractive men, but not rich. The one before the last was tall, attractive and rich men. Of course the last being nothing and how you can't please a woman. Funny stuff-lol!

[Christine]

One of the birthday cards I got was piratey, rather funny too:

On the front has a red-bearded Captain barking orders, "Arrgh! For yer birthday I told me crew to lavish ye with some fine pirate booty."

Open up the card and 3 of the crew members's pants fall down and moon you, "Not that kind of booty!" the Captain yells.

The 3 crew members say this, "Got any sunscreen?" "Is this the poop deck?" "Does this tattoo make my butt look big?"

Have ye a Happy Birthday!

[Diego Santana de la Vega]

The Husband Store

A store that sells husbands has recently opened. The store is a place

where women may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is

composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the

shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the

door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go

up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

A woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: "Floor 1 - These men

have jobs." The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well,

that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The 2nd floor sign reads -- "These men have jobs and love kids." The

woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?"

And up she goes again.

The 3rd floor sign reads -- "These men have jobs, love kids and are

extremely good looking." "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder

what's upstairs?"

The 4th floor sign reads -- "These men have jobs, love kids, are

extremely

good looking and help with the housework." "Wow," exclaims the

woman, "very tempting ... BUT, there must be better picks further

up!" And

again

she heads up another flight.

The 5th floor sign reads -- "These men have jobs, love kids, are

extremely

good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."

"Oh, mercy me! But just think ... what must be awaiting me further on?"

So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The 6th floor sign reads -- "You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor.

There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that

women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at Husband-Mart

and have a nice day."

God I love you!

[Barbados Sam]

A nurse is going through the check out at the grocery store. She pulls out her checkbook and starts to write out the amount when she realizes she has a rectal thermometer in her hand.

"Great", she says, "Some asshole has my pen"

[Christine]

Oh, yuck-LOL!

[Diego Santana de la Vega]

I'd be the first to say "Sam you crack me up, butt not today!"

[Rummy3]

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

1. Sag, you're It.

2. Hide and go pee.

3 . 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN:

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.

4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

Thoughts for the weekend

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?

Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen a sleep yet.

My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

But Most Of All, Remember !

A Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!

[Barbados Sam]

Two elderly gentlemen were chatting on a park bench. The first one says "I need to eat more fiber or something, I can't seem to have regular bowel movements"

The second guy says, "That ain't a problem for me. I have a bowel movement every single morning at 7:00. Unfortunately, I don't wake up until 8:00"

[Christine]

Those last 2 sounds like stuff that goes on at the retirement home where I work-lol!

TWO MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE:

Lesson One:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit on my ass like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting on your ass and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

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Lesson Two:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my manure droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients.

"The turkey pecked at a lump of manure, found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fourth night, he was proudly perched at the top of the

tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

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Lesson Three:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was.

The dung was actually thawing him out. He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lessons:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends your two-minute management course.

[Rummy3]

ICK!

[Rummy3]

During a visit to the Mental Asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug."

So ... do you want a room with or without a view?? hehehe ~<{ )

[Skull pyrate Carter]

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.

About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.

"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"

The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"

"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.

The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!"

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.

The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.

"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.

The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"

Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"

The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"

The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"

[Skull pyrate Carter]

one more:

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,

A carton of eggs,

A quart of orange juice,

A head of romaine lettuce,

A 2 lb. can of coffee,

And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check

out,a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of

the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk

calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was

intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly

unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk

to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know

what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, " 'Cause you're ugly"

[Barbados Sam]

Actual conversations with customers:

Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?

Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?

Customer: Yeah....

Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?

Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen.....

Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!

===============

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

Female customer: A white one...

===============

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.

Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?

Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.

Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.

Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....

===============

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen.

Customer: Your left or my left?

===============

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?

Male customer: Hello... I can't print.

Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...

Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, damn it!

===============

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

===============

Customer: I have problems printing in red...

Tech support: Do you have a color printer?

Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

===============

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?

Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

===============

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.

Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

Customer: OK

Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes

Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?

Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work

===============

Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.

Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

===============

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.

Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five stars.

===============

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?

Customer: Netscape.

Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.

Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

===============

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

===============

Tech support: How may I help you?

Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.

Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

===============

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.

Tech support: Are you running it under windows?

Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."

===============

And last but not least:....

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."

Customer: I don't have a P.

Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: What do you mean?

Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

[Diego Santana de la Vega]

you just can't top dumb!

[Skull pyrate Carter]

A contractor dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."

Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the contractor sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive." "Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!" The contractor is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty."

"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."

[Rummy3]

Good One Carter! How about this...

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free

speaker-function and

begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather

coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the

new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the

options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking

$950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000.

They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra

50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are

staring at

him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs

to?"

[Barbados Sam]

Why, Why, Why

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen tim! es with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.