jokes

[Diego Santana de la Vega]

i be hoping this doesnt count as a "naughty" word lol so here goes....

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your child's name is Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go home."

I'll pray for you my child!

[Rummy3]

Here's one for you Padre:

One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, strange-looking fish. A man was walking by and said, "Wow! What a nice Gauddam Fish!" The sister said, "Sir, you shouldn't use God's name in vain."

The man said, "But that's the species of the fish - a Gauddam Fish." The sister said, "Oh, okay."

The Sister took the fish back home and said, "Mother Superior, look at the Gauddam Fish I caught." Shocked, the Mother Superior said, "Sister, you know better than that."

The nun said, "That's the species of it - a Gauddam Fish." So, the Mother Superior said, "Well, give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it."

While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother Superior said, "Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister caught." Nearly fainting, Monsignor said, "Mother Superior, you shouldn't talk like that!"

Mother Superior said, "But that's the species of it - a Gauddam Fish." Monsignor said, "Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll cook it."

That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said, "Wow, what a nice fish." In reply, the sister said, "Thank you, I caught the Gauddam Fish." And Mother Superior said, "I cleaned the Gauddam Fish." And Monsignor said, "I cooked the Gauddam Fish."

The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said, "I think I'm going to like this f%$@# ing place!"

[Red Jayme Flint]

HAHA thar be a good one lass!

[Rumba Rue]

[Leatherneck]

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?

So men can understand them.[/b][/color][/font]

Good one, but proving you wrong!!!YARGH!!!!!

A blonde is driving down the highway in Nebraska listening to the radio as the radio DJ is telling blonde jokes (all one liners). She starts getting frustrated so she turns the radio off. Just as she does she sees a girl,who happens to be a blonde, out in the middle of a field rowing a boat. So she says thats it, I can't take it anymore and pulls over and gets out of the car. She walks up to the fence on the side of the highway and yells "You know, its blondes like you that give us a bad name. And if I could swim I would come out there and kick your ars!!!!"

THank you, thank you!!!!

[Leatherneck]

Here is another a friend sent to me via e-mail its not to shabby!

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the

> pharmacist she needs some

> cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do

> you need cyanide?" The

> lady then explained she needed it to poison her

> husband.

>

> The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord

> have mercy", I can't give

> you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the

> law! I'll lose my

> license, and they'll throw both of us in jail and

> all kinds of bad things

> will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any

> cyanide!"

>

> Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out

> a picture of her

> husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The

> pharmacist looked at the

> picture and replied,

>

> "Well, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[Barbados Sam]

What does it mean when a baby in Arkansas drools out of both sides of it's mouth?

The trailer is level.

[Barbados Sam]

How do you circumcise a man in Tennessee?

Kick his sister in the chin.

[Barbados Sam]

A blind man walks into a department store and starts swinging his seeing-eye dog by the leash in circles over his head. The horrified clerk rushes over to the man and asks "Can I help you sir?" to which the blind man replied, "No thank you, I'm just looking."

[Barbados Sam]

What's the difference between a Nun and a woman in a bathtub? One has hope in her soul.......

[Barbados Sam]

(OK, last one for tonight)

What's the difference between the Panama Canal and Hillary Clinton? One's a busy ditch......

(wait a minute, that reminded me of another one)

The Democrats have put out a new bumper sticker that is popular with both Democrats and Republicans. It says, "Run Hillary". The Dems put it on their back bumper, and the Republicans put in on their front bumper......

[Durty Mick Moon]

OUCH!...now me tummy hurts....

[Christine]

This joke was done to me by a friend of mine.

A bee was flying close to the open car window of his Mustang. His wife and I freaked and told him to quickly roll up the window. After rolling it up he turned to me and said, "you know how to scare a bee away don't ya?" He puts his finger on my chest. "Boo bee!"

Oh, goodness we all laughed so hard over that! LOL!

[Rummy3]

Here's one for the wenches...

---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

[Christine]

LOL! Good one Rummy!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I got this in an email:

George Carlin on the situation in New Orleans

Been sitting here with my ass in a wad, wanting to speak out about the bullshit going on in New Orleans. For the people of New Orleans... First we would like to say, Sorry for your loss. With that said, Let's go through a few hurricane rules: (Unlike an earthquake, we know it's coming)

#1. A mandatory evacuation means just that...Get the hell out.

Don't blame the Government after they tell you to go. If they hadn't said anything, I can see the argument. They said get out... if you didn't, it's your fault, not theirs. (We don't want to hear it, even if you don't have a car, you can get out.)

#2. If there is an emergency, stock up on water and non-perishables. If you didn't do this, it's not the Government's fault you're starving.

#2a. If you run out of food and water, find a store that has some. (Remember, shoes, TV's, DVD's and CD's are not edible. Leave them alone.)

#2b. If the local store has been looted of food or water, leave your

neighbor's TV and stereo alone. (See #2a) They worked hard to get their stuff. Just because they were smart enough to leave during a mandatory evacuation, doesn't give you the right to take their stuff...it's theirs, not yours.

#3. If someone comes in to help you, don't shoot at them and then complain no one is helping you. I'm not getting shot to help save some dumbass who didn't leave when told to do so.

#4. If you are in your house that is completely under water, your

belongings are probably too far gone for anyone to want them. If someone does want them, let them have them and hopefully they'll die in the filth. Just leave! (It's New Orleans, find a voodoo warrior and put a curse on them)

#5. My tax money should not pay to rebuild a 2 million dollar house, a sports stadium or a floating casino. Also, my tax money shouldn't go to rebuild a city that is under sea level. You wouldn't build your house on quicksand would you? You want to live below sea-level, do your country some good and join the Navy.

#6. Regardless of what the Poverty Pimps Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton want you to believe, The US Government didn't create the Hurricane as a way to eradicate the black people of New Orleans; (Neither did Russia as a way to destroy America). The US Government didn't cause global warming that caused the hurricane (We've been coming out of an ice age for over a million years).

#7. The government isn't responsible for giving you anything. This is the land of the free and the home of the brave, but you gotta work for what you want. McDonalds and Wal-Mart are always hiring, get a damn job and stop spooning off the people who are actually working for a living. President Kennedy said it best..."Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country."

Thank you for allowing me to rant.

[Barbados Sam]

(I hope I don't cross the line here, but I thought this was funny....)

BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER

Dear Connie,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me.

I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.

Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.

She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before.

I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then It hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.

Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order.

I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is.

So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it.

Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the fu***ing remote is.????

Love, Paul

[Red Jayme Flint]

hahaha thats great!

[Christine]

Oh, yeah, I hadn't gotten that in an email, that is SO damn funny!

[Rummy3]

Never ask a Drunk Pyrate!

Never Question a Drunk

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,

A carton of eggs,

A quart of orange juice,

A head of romaine lettuce,

A 2 lb. can of coffee,

And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a

pyrate standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the

pyrate calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelicts intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the pyrate to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,

you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The pyrate replied, "Cause you're ugly."

[Rummy3]

just one more...

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He

breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young

couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of

her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While

he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, "Listen, this guy

is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of

time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed

you're a neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do

whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.

This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us

both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my

ear. He told me that he's gay, he thinks you're cute, and asked if we

had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I

love you too".

[Red Jayme Flint]

HAHA Rummy thats great!!

[Rummy3]

Yeah! Thas is my kind of humor all right!

[Diego Santana de la Vega]

i was going to write out a joke but I am laughing too damn hard to typeeeeaaah ahh ahhh ahhh ahhh sorry

[Durty Mick Moon]

okay, now it's me own turn....hope ye haven't seen this one yet, if ye have, my apologies....

While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a

dog and sheep and began a conversation.

Cowboy: "Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' alright."

Indian: Look of shock.

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at the Indian.

Dog: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and

takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: Look of total disbelief.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: Extreme look of shock.

Cowboy: "Is this your owner? " pointing at Indian

Horse: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,

brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."

Indian: Total look of utter amazement.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep liar."

[Rummy3]

I love that! OK, here's one for you:

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to

other

people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a

Transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over

sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... He in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am,I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own blanket!" After a moment of silence and reflection, he farted.