Rummy3 Posted September 15, 2005 Posted September 15, 2005 My kind of Marine > As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a > five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. > No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him > down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. > > Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, a man in a US. Marine Corps uniform > is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered > mother with an upraised hand, the courtly, soft-spoken Marine leans down and > motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear. > > Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly > fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous > applause. > > As the Marine slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin > attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, sir," she ask quietly, "but > could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?" > > The Marine smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's > wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle > me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose, and > that I was just about to make my selection for this flight."
Diego Santana de la Vega Posted September 15, 2005 Author Posted September 15, 2005 this plane is crossing the atlantic coming from England and heading into New York when engine number four goes out. The captain takes evasive action and drops altitude and sometime later engine one goes out as before the captain drops altitude and keeps on his heading with two hundred miles to go both the remaining engines go out simultaneously and he announces the situation to the crew and passengers then they all begin throwing all the baggage out the cargo doors. with seventy miles left its appearant they aren't going to make land and four volunteers are asked to save everyones life they would need to jump and are asked to come foreward. first is an Englishman who simply says "God Save The Queen" and steps out the door..... The second is a Frenchman who jumps out yelling "Vive la France" the third is this big Texan man weighing about three hundred pounds and he picks up and throws a family of four Mexicans out the door and yells "remember the alamo" Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a knife in your back.
Captain Chelle Posted September 15, 2005 Posted September 15, 2005 I checked into a hotel on a business trip and I was lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths. I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the heck, I'll give her a call. "Hello?" the woman says.? Wow! she sounded sexy. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and rub me down. No, wait, I then said, I should be honest with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?" She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."
Rumba Rue Posted September 15, 2005 Posted September 15, 2005 funny. It's extremely hard to read anything of any length when it's in color, especially in red....
Captain Chelle Posted September 15, 2005 Posted September 15, 2005 funny.It's extremely hard to read anything of any length when it's in color, especially in red.... Oh I am sorry. I am so used to doing everything in red I hadnt considered that. *hands RumbaRue my flogger* go ahead..... punish me.
Diego Santana de la Vega Posted September 15, 2005 Author Posted September 15, 2005 two things! first: I am rolling on my desk thank you for that little tidbit. second: anytime a color in use is distracting to your eyes highlight the entirety of needed read and the problem goes pleasantly away. I know I know here it comes (Thank you dear Heloise) Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a knife in your back.
Rumba Rue Posted September 16, 2005 Posted September 16, 2005 I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling... Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday Morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even... Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.
Christine Posted September 16, 2005 Posted September 16, 2005 LMAO!!!!!!!!! I saw this bumper sticker the other day and just had to mention it. It said: "I wish I was rich.....instead of just being well hung!" I burst out laughing and tried to see what the driver looked like. Sort of average looking guy, but I just kept laughing.
delmar Posted September 16, 2005 Posted September 16, 2005 A Pyrate walks into a bar with a steering wheel around his thingy (you know). The bartender says, "hey do you know that you have a steering wheel around your thingy? Than pryate replies, " Ay, it drive me nuts!" Delmar
tishsparrow Posted September 16, 2005 Posted September 16, 2005 my friend took his halloween costume idea from that one! going to be interesting....
Diego Santana de la Vega Posted September 19, 2005 Author Posted September 19, 2005 LMAO!!!!!!!!! I saw this bumper sticker the other day and just had to mention it. It said: "I wish I was rich.....instead of just being well hung!" I burst out laughing and tried to see what the driver looked like. Sort of average looking guy, but I just kept laughing. " Bumper Sticker Thread" it appears! Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a knife in your back.
The Doctor Posted September 19, 2005 Posted September 19, 2005 I was told a revision to a joke I'd posted earlier, so here it is.... Q: What does a Scotsman wear beneath his kilt? Keep scrolling... Lower, lass... Aye, that's it... A: Lipstick, if he's lucky; Copenhagen, if he's not! Yo ho ho! Or does nobody actually say that?
Diego Santana de la Vega Posted September 19, 2005 Author Posted September 19, 2005 errgh a beard rash! Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a knife in your back.
Rummy3 Posted September 20, 2005 Posted September 20, 2005 A Texas redneck was stopped by a game warden in Azle > recently > with two ice chests of fish, leaving a river well known for > its > fishing. > The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to > catch those fish?" > "Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my > pet fish." > "Pet fish?" > "Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and > let 'em swim > 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back > into this ice > chest and I take 'em home." > "That's a bunch of bull! Fish can't do that!" > The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then > said, > "It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works." > "Okay, I've GOT to see this!" > The redneck poured the fish into the river and stood and > waited. > After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and > said, "Well?" > "Well, what?" said the redneck. > "When are you going to call them back?" > "Call who back?" > "The FISH!" > "What fish?" > We in Texas may not be as smart as some, but we ain't as > dumb as most.
Rummy3 Posted September 20, 2005 Posted September 20, 2005 ok - one more... Talking dog A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running." "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that sh**."
Diego Santana de la Vega Posted September 20, 2005 Author Posted September 20, 2005 perfect! Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a knife in your back.
Christine Posted September 20, 2005 Posted September 20, 2005 I was told a revision to a joke I'd posted earlier, so here it is....Q: What does a Scotsman wear beneath his kilt? Keep scrolling... Lower, lass... Aye, that's it... A: Lipstick, if he's lucky; Copenhagen, if he's not! LOL! Ah, yes, free moustache rides-lol!
Diego Santana de la Vega Posted September 20, 2005 Author Posted September 20, 2005 LOL! Ah, yes, free moustache rides-lol! Sorry moustache rides aren't free on Tuesday Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a knife in your back.
Diego Santana de la Vega Posted September 20, 2005 Author Posted September 20, 2005 They aren't? Awwww....too bad.... Too sday Afternoon Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a knife in your back.
Rummy3 Posted September 20, 2005 Posted September 20, 2005 So I'll be guessin Tuesday night is a two-for-one special?OR, will ye be shavin that thing before i sees ya tonight?
Christine Posted September 20, 2005 Posted September 20, 2005 Facial hair just feels really nice down there......um....yeah..... But tis true.
Diego Santana de la Vega Posted September 21, 2005 Author Posted September 21, 2005 Shave? I think not! But it's Wednesday and they cost more on Wednesdays....As the week gets longer the prices get higher but the consolation is....... Saturday is the only free day and night! Speaking of which??? Question??? Why is it that in english we add night to all the weeks names that end in day? Why don't all pyrates make a stand now to save energy and waste by addressing this issue and making the norm Saturnight or Monight you know? It's not like a rocks I Q wouldn't figure it out???? (well I know a few people with brains like a bag of hammers that might not ever put it together though....) nevermind Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a knife in your back.
tishsparrow Posted September 21, 2005 Posted September 21, 2005 is that a joke? or are you seriously puzzling over that?
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