jokes

[Sir Beachem Quick]

Phone conversation between two blonds.

1st blond - I saw on the news today that there was a terrible earthquake in South America

2nd Blond - Oh no that's so sad.

1st blond - it's a shame over a hundred brazillions lost their lives.

2nd blond - ok so how many is in a brazillion?

[Red Dog]

Ok, so a horse walks into a bar and takes a seat at the end.

The bartender then asks, "so, why the long face?"

A fish takes a seat at a local restaurant.

The waiter arrives shortly and asks "what can I get for you sir?"

The fish replies "WATER YOU IDIOT"!

>>>>>>GROAN>>>>>>>>

[Theprofessionalpirate99]

i got a few

this is an oldie but a goodie.....

1.Jesus walks into a motel lays 3 nails down on the table and says Can you put me up for the night?

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So there is this guy who had a long day at work so he goes to the top of his building where there is a bar.So he asks the bartender for a drink, and the guy say hey you know this building is magic and the first guy replies Yeah Right. The second guy says no realy if you jump off the top you'll float down fly around the second floor and come back in. The first guy replies I still dont beleave you. So he says ok i'll prove it to you. So the second guy jumps off the top floats down flies around the second floor and come back in. so the first guy says ok ill do it. So he jumps off falls 20 stories and dies. The Second guy goes back to the bar, and the bartender says You know Superman your a real asshole when your drunk.

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What do blondes and tornaidos have in common? At first theres alot of suckin and blowin then you loose your house.

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i cant resist i have to put it up

How much does it take for a pirate to get his ear peirced?

A buck-an-ear

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What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?

RUN! Shes got a granade!

[Merrydeath]

Again, Where Do You Live?

You live in the Deep South when...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

2. "ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.

3. After five years you still hear, "Ya ain't from 'round here, are ya?"

4. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.

5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc.

You live in Colorado when...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You live in the Midwest when...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"

5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

You live in Florida when...

1. You eat dinner at 4:15 in the afternoon.

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

[Captain Bob]

I made this one up all by myself.

No, Really! I did!.

Well, okay. I didn't, but it's still pretty good.

Boudreaux, a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana, was an older, single gentlman, who was born and raised a Baptist, living in South Louisiana. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Now, all of Boudreaux's neighbors were Catholic... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The priest came to visit Boudreaux, and suggested that Boudreaux convert to Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Boudreaux attended Mass... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are Catholic."

Boudreaux's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Boudreaux's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped in amazement and watched.

There stood Boudreaux, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, and you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish."

[Barbados Sam]

Negative People

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their

best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time

someone who knows nothing and cares less, tries to make your life

miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to

Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who

responded "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and

dirty. Your crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply, "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline.

Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're

always late.

So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive lit tle place over on Rome! 's Tibe r River

called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna

be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst

hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and

they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser, "You and a million other people

trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on

this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser

asked her about her trip to Rome:

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in

one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they

bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I

had a handsome 28-year-old stew ard who waited on me ! hand an d foot."

"And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling

job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.

They,too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's

suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know

you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican a

Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope

likes

to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his

private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

"Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and

shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh really! What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?"

[Rummy3]

LMFAO! Great one, Barbados Sam! I have to share that one with my folks!

[Rumba Rue]

Oh that's terrific!

course I shouldn't talk, I can be negative a lot of time....

[Silent]

The iron man contest

A guy walks into a bar.

sits down and sees behind the bar a jar full of 100 dollar bills with a little sign hung around it that says iron man.

he asks the bartender about the money and he replies,

"well bubby you see we've got an iron man contest in this bar. you give me 100 dollars and then theres 4 tasks you have to do.

First you have to down six shots of tequila,

then you have to knock big al off his bar stool in one punch, hes the toughest guy in town.

thirdly, theres a rotwieler out back with a bad tooth that you have to pull out,

and finally theres a 92 year old woman upstairs that you have to make cum twice...do all that and your the iron man and you win the money.

the guy says no at first but after a few beers that money is looking really tempting and hes getting a little drunk.

" I'M YOUR IRON MAN!" he screams and slaps down a hundred dollar bill.

the bartender then procedes to line up 6 shots which the man pounds down intensely one after the other.

he stumbles down to the end of the bar grunting and squinting through one eye he cocks back and POW! one ounch knocks big al of his barstool.

staggering sideways he gos outside and all you can hear is the dog screaming god awful sounds. HOWL BARK YIP GRRR HOWL!

PANTING AND SWEATING HE SAYS TO THE BARTENDER " OK BUDDY, WHERES THE OLD BAG WITH THE BAD TOOTH?"

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Politics in the USA

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "what is politics?"

Dad says, " Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I'm the head of the family, so call me the president.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so call her the government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people.

The nanny, we'll consider the working class,

and your baby brother, we'll call him the future.

Now think about that and see if it makes any sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying.

So, he goes to his brothers bedroom and finds that he has shit his diaper and it is leaking.

He goes in to his parents room to get his mom, but she is sound asleep.

Not wanting to wake her he goes to find the nanny, but her bedroom door is locked. He looks through the keyhole and there is his dad in bed with the nanny.

Finally, he gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning the little boy says to his father, "dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "the president is screwing the working class while the government is sound asleep.

The people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit."

[Barbados Sam]

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian.

I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

[Barbados Sam]

THE POPE VISITS ALASKA

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Alaska for some sight-seeing.

He was cruising along the campground in the Pope mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat, and a "To Hell with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10 foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched horrified, a group of

Republican loggers came racing up.

One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest.

The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp.

Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them.

"I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic Environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that guy?"

"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting!

By the way, how is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and snatch another one?"

[Red-Handed Jill]

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[The Doctor]

The price of a barrel of crude oil has topped $78, and President Bush tries to break the news to a toddler that the child's college fund has been raided in order to keep the family lawn mower running.

[Red-Handed Jill]

TWENTY DOLLARS

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than

three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

[Barbados Sam]

A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were loose and flapping. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery

be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell

anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.

[Rummy3]

Subject: You could see this one coming...

A blonde finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help and she begins to pray....

"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

That night the blonde dreams she wins the lotto. Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.

The next day she prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes, and again somebody else wins it.

Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me?

I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving.

I don't often ask

you for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and the blonde is confronted by the voice of God, Himself...

"Sweetheart, work with Me on this........... Buy a ticket!."

[The Doctor]

[Rummy3]

Sex, Church & Pancakes

Teen age sex: The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:

"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

Church: A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"

The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."

The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

The preacher said, "No shit?"

Pancakes: Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."

[Merrydeath]

http://www.dorks.com/html/Nothing-Under-Kilt-Gag.html

and I get to see some kilts this weekend.. but I havn't done a real kilt check yet.. but give me time and a stiff breeze.

[Barbados Sam]

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my Labrador

Retriever and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

[Merrydeath]

Not sure if you ever told that one, but its a HOOT.. I tell people that see me in garb that I am in a religous cult and on a crusade to Disneyland.

[The Doctor]

A husband found himself in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife angrily told him," Tomorrow there better be something for me in the driveway that goes from zero to 180, in under five seconds." The next morning the wife went outside and there, right behind the mini-van was a brand new, shiney, bathroom scale. Visiting hours for the husband are limited due to the extent of the injuries.

[The Doctor]

Excerpt from a cat's diary -

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding on the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed (again).

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was ...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.

But I can wait; it is only a matter of time....

[Rumba Rue]

That tickled my Elmo!

[The Doctor]

You just knew somebody would do this...