jokes

[Rumba Rue]

LOL! A true California joke!

[Christine]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong."

[Christine]

Helpful Tips for PMS:

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?

SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?

SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?

SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.

SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!

ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?

SAFER: What did I do wrong?

SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?

SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.

SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

ULT RASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?

SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.

SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!

ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

13 Things PMS Stands For:

1. Pass My Shotgun

2. Psychotic Mood Shift

3. Perpetual Munching Spree

4. Puffy Mid-Section

5. People Make me Sick

6. Provide Me with Sweets

7. Pardon My Sobbing

8. Pimples May Surface

9. Pass My Sweatpants

10. Pissy Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly; Men Suck

12. Pack My Stuff......

13. Potential Murder Suspect

[The Doctor]

A pyrate on "Wheel of Fortune"...

"Pat, I'd like to by an eye..."

[Merrydeath]

By the time the sailor pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning, the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better!"

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?"

"Nope. I shut him up in no time," said the Navy guy.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the sailor explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Good night, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

[Arthur Richards from Kent]

Helpful Tips for PMS:

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?

SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?

SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?

SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.

SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!

ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?

SAFER: What did I do wrong?

SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?

SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.

SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

ULT RASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?

SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.

SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!

ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

13 Things PMS Stands For:

1. Pass My Shotgun

2. Psychotic Mood Shift

3. Perpetual Munching Spree

4. Puffy Mid-Section

5. People Make me Sick

6. Provide Me with Sweets

7. Pardon My Sobbing

8. Pimples May Surface

9. Pass My Sweatpants

10. Pissy Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly; Men Suck

12. Pack My Stuff......

13. Potential Murder Suspect

definition of PMS

Pack My Suitcase

[Barbados Sam]

Things that "STRESSED WOMEN," will say at work:

1. Okay! Okay! I take it back. Unfuck you.

2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

3. Well this day was a total waste of makeup.

4. Well, aren't we a damn ray of sunshine?

5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.

6. Do I look like a people person?

7 This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.

8. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.

10. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?

11. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

14. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

15. Stress is what you have when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet.

16. Back off! You're standing in my aura.

17. Don't worry, I forgot your name too.

18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.

19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

20. Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

21. Chaos, panic and disorder...my work here is done.

22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

23. You look like shit. Is that the style now?

24. Earth is full. Go home.

25. Aww, did I step on your little itty bitty ego?

26. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

27. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

28. You are depriving some village of an idiot

29. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.

30. Look in my eyes...do you see one ounce of gives-a-shit?

[Christine]

That's great! I love the one, "If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport!" LOL!!!!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot over to an

attractive woman.

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from

the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the

man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a

Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants".

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his

own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and

instructed him to return it to the woman.

It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a

BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty-million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back!"

[Patrick Hand]

A guy aproaches a beautiful woman in a bar....

"Would you sleep with me for $5,000.00 ?" he ask...

She thinks about it for a moment.... there is a lot she could do with $5,000.00

... so she ansewers back....."Sure...."

The man says... "Well how about $50.00"

She gets peaved....."What kind of woman do you take me for.....?"

The man replys...." We have all ready established what kind of woman you are..... we are just dickering about the price.... "

[Merrydeath]

shakes head... and he would settle for a $50 wench. ha!

---------------

A True Friend

When you are sad,

I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the scummy bastard who made you sad.

When you are scared,

I will laugh at you and tease you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried,

I will tell you how much worse it could be and to quit complaining.

When you are confused,

I will use little words to explain it to your dumb butt.

When you are sick.

I will hold your hair while you pay homage to the porcelain God.

When you fall,

I will point and laugh at your clumsy butt.

This is my oath.

I pledge till the end.

Why you may ask?

Because you're my friend.

[Rumba Rue]

My favorite bumper sticker I use to have:

If only closed minds, came with closed mouths

[Christine]

I was having trouble with my computer.

So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over.

Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him,

"So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,

"An, ID ten T error?

What's that .. in case I need to fix it again?"

Harold grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error

before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down

I D 1 0 T

I used to like Harold.

[Biker]

fun car ad

[CaptainCiaran]

(I've not read this entire thread, so forgive me if this one has already been posted)

Did you hear that Pfizer is teaming up with Pepsi to distribute a liquid form of Viagra?

It'll be called 'Mount & Do'

[The Doctor]

Turn up your spearkers and enjoy!

The Blue Ball Machine

Ultimate Suffering

[Barbados Sam]

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and

feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says happily.

A little while later he goes to McDonald's for lunch and asks the order

taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?" "Nope, I am actually 47." He's starting to feel really good about himself.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was

young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your penis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47," Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's".

[Biker]

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The countergirl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her.

She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register.

I sensed her discomfort and told her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help.

When he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.

Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

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1. Teaching Math In 1950s:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

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2. Teaching Math In 1960s:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price,or $80. What is his profit?

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3. Teaching Math In 1970s:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

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4. Teaching Math In 1980s:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and, therefore, his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

5. Teaching Math In 1990s:

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger was cutting down their homes?

(Note: There are no wrong answers.)

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6. Teaching Math In 2006:

Un hachero vende una carretadade maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Es verdad. Muchas gracias.

[lady snow]

Turn up your spearkers and enjoy!

The Blue Ball Machine

Ultimate Suffering

the blue ball machine reminds me of rube goldberg! i loved his drawings! and princess bride is one of my favorite movies! 'my name is inigo montoya - you kiilled my father - prepare to die!'

[Patrick Hand]

Disclaimer..... someone sent this to my boss, and she sent it to me.... and I thought someone might kinda like it.........

ROAD RAGE

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on

a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even

though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the

intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming

in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection,

dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window

and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched,

finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and

opened the door.

She was escorted back to the booking desk where the

arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake.

You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing

your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue

streak at him.

"I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What

Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday- School' bumper

sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian Fish emblem on the trunk.

Naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car."

[Rumba Rue]

LMAF! Oh that's a good one Patrick!

[Biker]

Did you hear about the scotsman who got a realy bad rash and thought it was a STD?? turns out he was allergic to wool.

[Rummy3]

My girlfriend that works for Homeland Security wants this to be her new Voice Mail message:

Press 1 for English

Press 2 for Deportation

[Barbados Sam]

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says, "Hi, there, good lookin'! How's it going?"

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, .

"Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my

place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean ... it just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?"

[Barbados Sam]

Too often we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. When somebody annoys you remember it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. But it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bitch slap that dumb-ass upside the head.

[Barbados Sam]

HER DIARY

Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V.

Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he

came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got laid.