jokes

[CaptainBloodscalp]

How to fight terrorism.

Take all American women

who are within five years of menopause -

train them for a few weeks,

outfit them with automatic weapons,

grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15,

Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna -

drop them (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let them do what comes naturally.

Think about it.

The anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff

like grocery shopping and paying bills,

is formidable enough to make even

armed men in turbans tremble.

[Dorian Lasseter]

er...... lose th' prozac n' chocolate.... then it'd take 'em a week ta bring th' "emeny" ta their knees....

[CaptainBloodscalp]

New prefix:

If blondes and bimbos were the same thing, the prefix 'bim' could be used to create new words that describe them:

Bimbabble - noises coming from a group of blondes

Bimbaffled - constant mental state of blondes

Bimbait - short skirts, sheer blouses, string bikinis or other clothing worn by blondes in an attempt to attract the attention of males

Bimbar - a bar where blondes hang out wearing bimbait

Bimbag - a blonde's purse

Bimbrushes - essential equipment in a bimbag

Bimbastic surgeon - specialist in breast enhancements for blondes

Bimbeeper - special instrument used as a homing device for lost blondes

Bimbellow - sound emanating from a blonde after she finally got the most recent blonde joke she heard

Bimbillion? - a blonde giving an estimate of anything

Bimblaze - the result of a blonde trying to cook

Bimblues - a blonde's state of mind after her latest boyfriend ditched her

Bimboette - a young blonde

Bimbonese - language spoken by blondes, largely unintelligible to anyone else

Bimbonique behavior - airhead behavior, unique to blondes

Bimboozle - to fool a blonde

Bimbore - a blonde who uses "like" more than 10 times in a sentence

Bimbozo - another name for a blonde

Bimboron - a blonde even less intelligent than most other blondes

Bimbrownie - a well-tanned blonde

Bimbrunette - a blonde who dyes her hair brunette, usually to appear smarter than she actually is

Bimburden - blonde carrying too many bags at the mall

[Rumba Rue]

Well that reminds me NOT TO SIT IN YOUR LAP! HMMMFFFFFF!!

[CaptainBloodscalp]

I wazzzz only kidding!!!!! Me so sorry.

[Merrydeath]

funny but you never said Blond women.. just blondes. So I guess you also mean blond MEN too..

and no lap dances for you..

[CaptainBloodscalp]

LoL!Urmm okay by me I'm faithful to me wife,It's all in fun,And I have blond hair by the way.

[Patrick Hand]

and no lap dances for you..

WOH..... glad I didn't tell that joke.....

Hey... if I sent it to someone, does that loose my chance for lap dances ?

[CaptainBloodscalp]

Stages of Drunkeness

0 - Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.

1 - Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.

2 - Lager warming up head. Pretzles are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.

3 - Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.

4 - Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of pretzles one by one.

5 - Have brilliant discussion with guy on the next bar stool. Devise fool-proof scheme for wining lottery, sort out Denver Broncos defense problems.

6 - Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on cocktail napkin. Realize that everybody loves you. Call parents and tell them you love them. Call girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing ass.

7 - Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five cocktail napkins and Frisbee them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a Slim Panatela.

8 - Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the bar hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.

9 - Head-ache kicks in. Michelob tastes off. Send it back. Next bottle comes back tasting same. Say, "That's much better". Fight nausea by trying to play old Space Invaders game for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign.

10 - Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four bartenders. Talked down by bartender's wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.

11 - Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realize you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turning. Vomit. Pass out.

12 - Put in cab by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can't get key in door. Realize you've given address of your local gym. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.

[CaptainBloodscalp]

Need Samples

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

[Barbados Sam]

Religious Methods

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

[Red-Handed Jill]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and one woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife in a chair. Kill Her!" The man said, "You can't be serious - I could never shoot my wife!" The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

[Biker]

Posted: Wed Apr 26, 2006 12:56 pm Post subject: Quiz

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q.) What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs,

Wife, Blowjob?

A.) Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife,but you can't beat a blowjob.

Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end?

A.) So men can be open minded.

Q.) What's the speed limit of sex?

A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

Q.) What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?

A.) The longer you play with them, the harder

they get.

Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?

A) You don't have to beg your wife to blow

your paycheck!

Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego...

A.) "Is it in?"

Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?

A.) A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just

had sex?

A.) One of his fingers is clean.

Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?

A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q.) What does bungee jumping and hookers have

in common?

A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the

rubber breaks, you're screwed.

[Merrydeath]

a beautiful redhead goes to the doctor..

she says that her skin hurts all over. She takes her finger and pushes her arm with it.. OW!

she pushes her other arm with it.. Ow!

She pushes her tummy with it.. ow!

The Doctor asks if she is a natural redhead or really blond.

The woman replies that she is a blond, but why did she ask?

"You don't have sensitive skin, your finger is broken."

[Merrydeath]

LoL!Urmm okay by me I'm faithful to me wife,It's all in fun,And I have blond hair by the way.

I guess that is why you are Bloodscalp?? cause you ARE blond?

and yes, Pat, you still have a chance at a lap dance..

If its still ok with Captbloodscalp to do it..

[CaptainBloodscalp]

LoL!Urmm okay by me I'm faithful to me wife,It's all in fun,And I have blond hair by the way.

I guess that is why you are Bloodscalp?? cause you ARE blond?

and yes, Pat, you still have a chance at a lap dance..

If its still ok with Captbloodscalp to do it..

If its still ok with Captbloodscalp to do it..

I'll be leaving the swank up to you las.

Social Security

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

[Patrick Hand]

A salty Pyrate Captain walks into a house of ill repute...

(well I didn't wanna type whorehouse just in case there were any underaged in here......)

Anyway.... after choosing a saucy wench they head up to her room....

Once there she disrobes, but is astonished when the Captain unbuttons and drops his slops....

"It's" only 3 inches long........

"Who do you think you'll satisfy with That little thing ? " asks the tart....

The Captain just looks at her, grins and replys... " ME"........

[Red-Handed Jill]

ZEN SARCASM

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[CaptainBloodscalp]

12 Year Old Scotch

A guy comes into a bar and asks the barman for twelve-year-old scotch. The barman thinks "This guy is pretty pretentious" and proceeds to pour him a drink of six-year-old scotch.

He gives it to the customer who takes a drink, exclaiming, "This isn't twelve-year-old scotch, this is six-year-old scotch"

The barman thinks, hey this guy knows what he's talking about, and the two of them get into a conversation about where the customer is from etc..

At one point an old guy, who was sitting at the other end of the bar comes over with a glass and hands it to the customer. The latter takes a drink, and spits it out.

"This is piss!" he yells.

The old guy nods and says, "Yeah, but how old am I?"

[Red-Handed Jill]

For the gents:

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.....though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator..(applies to engineers mainly).

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't....and if you are feeling amorous afterwards... .then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.

[CaptainBloodscalp]

A Really Bad Day

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

[Christine]

Inquiring minds might want to know......

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers, "Well, son, it happened like this.......

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set

up a date via email with your Mom and we met a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, I upgraded my floppy to a stiffy and then your Mom agreed to do a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us

had used a firewall, and since it was to late to hit the delete button,

nine months later a blessed little Pop-up appeared and said.......

"You've got male!"

[CaptainBloodscalp]

Smartest Man in the World

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

[Christine]

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while

his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours

while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the

kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the

checkbook. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the

dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the

beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the

ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing

vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to

make love, which he managed to get through without

complaint. The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:

"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to

envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have

learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things

back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months,

though. You got pregnant last night."

[Christine]

A California Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in the statewide safety competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman. "Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered. "Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk." This woke up the guy in the back seat who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car." At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"