jokes

[Biker]

Jesus Christ walks into a hotel, throws 3 nails on the counter and says to the clerk "Hey can ya put me up for the night?"

[The Doctor]

Ladies and Gentlemen, the President of the United States!

EDIT: Damned web hosts! I'll do it meself...

[Leatherneck]

How many A.D.D. kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

.........................................wanna ride bikes?

[The Doctor]

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts and not trousers?

Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away!

[Red-Handed Jill]

Rolling Stones:

"Hey - you, get off of my cloud."

Scotsman:

"Hey - McLeod, get off of my ewe."

[Patrick Hand]

Why do Scottsmen get married....?

Sheep can't cook....

[Rummy3]

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune as soon as his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one night he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

[Merrydeath]

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make this wonderful woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[lady snow]

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts and not trousers?

Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away!

part 2 to mad jack's joke

why does an irishman wear a kilt?

because a scotsman can heard a zipper at 100 yards

[Merrydeath]

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

( a drink to anyone who is offended by that)

[Christine]

BLACK ROBBERS - True Story

By far the best email I've read so far....For anyone who didn't see David Letterman's take on this: (And it's a true story...)

On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner

with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room.

"I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator. As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black.

One of them was tall...very tall...an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot; they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind, but gosh, they had to know what she was thinking!!! Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious now. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and the another second, and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My goodness, she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore. Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor."

Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor.

A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. The woman

lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet. "When I told my friend here to hit the floor," said the average sized one, "I meant that

he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing. The woman thought: What a spectacle I've made of myself. She was humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn't know what to say. The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.

The next morning flowers were delivered to her room -- a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill.

The card said: "Thanks for the Best laugh we've had in years!"

It was signed:

Eddie Murphy and Michael Jordan

[Patrick Hand]

I had a situation almost like that... but it wasn'nt as funny..............

[Arthur Richards from Kent]

COWBOY IN A GAY BAR

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar.

What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, " What's the

name of your willy?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me

the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan

'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because

'It really Satisfies.' "

The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer,

"Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a

smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "

'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!" A little shaken, the

cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity

Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?" The first manturns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because 'Quality is Job One'." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!"

And gives a wink! Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks,

"Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE

FOR A WOMAN!

[lady snow]

that's good! touche!

[BLACK JACK SHALAQ]

A catholic priest and a rabbi were marooned on a deserted island. After a few weeks of solitude the priest confessed to the rabbi, "Oh, I sure wish we had an alter boy here". The rabbi replied, "Why"? Immediately the priest replied," So we could fu** him! That's why"! Surprised, the rabbi said,"Great idea! But, fu** him outta what"?

[Christine]

Blonde guy joke:

A BLONDE GUY GETS HOME EARLY FROM WORK AND HEARS STRANGE NOISES COMING FROM THE BEDROOM. HE RUSHES UPSTAIRS TO FIND HIS WIFE NAKED ON THE BED, SWEATING AND PANTING.

"WHAT'S UP?" HE SAYS.

"I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK," CRIES THE WOMAN.

HE RUSHES DOWNSTAIRS TO GRAB THE PHONE, BUT JUST AS HE'S DIALING, HIS 4-YEAR OLD SON COMES UP AND SAYS

"DADDY! DADDY! UNCLE TED'S HIDING IN YOUR CLOSET AND HE'S GOT NO CLOTHES ON.

THE GUY SLAMS THE PHONE DOWN AND STORMS UPSTAIRS INTO THE BEDROOM, PAST HIS SCREAMING WIFE, AND RIPS OPEN THE WARDROBE DOOR. SURE ENOUGH, THERE IS HIS BROTHER, TOTALLY NAKED, COWERING ON THE CLOSET FLOOR.

"YOU ROTTEN S.O.B.," SAYS THE HUSBAND, "MY WIFE'S HAVING A HEART ATTACK AND YOU'RE RUNNING AROUND NAKED, SCARING MY SON!"

[CaptainBloodscalp]

TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS STRESSED...

10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".

9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

8. The cat is on Valium.

7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.

6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.

5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.

4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.

3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.

2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.

1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

[Leatherneck]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family

ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch, they need to

purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed

their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if

I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and

haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and

decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for

$599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send

her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a

telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.

I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here

so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be

glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She

realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send

her the word "comfortable."

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that

you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out

here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word

"comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read

it very slowly........... com-for-da-bull

[Christine]

Oh, geez, LOL!!!

[Arthur Richards from Kent]

very nice very nice indeed

[Rumba Rue]

[Merrydeath]

loved them all, but Arthur's..... made my monitor wet...

I just spilled my coffee from laughing

[Leatherneck]

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their

bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his

butt.

"If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very

uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"

"I regret I cannot", lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck

in my butt."

"I do not understand," said the other.

The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over

an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an

American Flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, "I

am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."

I said, "No shit?"

God Bless the USA

[Leatherneck]

ok one more . . .

No Sex Since 1955

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at

a gala event hosted by

a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young,

idealistic ladies in

attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major

for

conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a

very serious man. Is

something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and

decorations and said, "It

looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a

conversation, said,

"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and

enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his

serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope

you don't take this the

wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill

out and quit taking

everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!

She took his hand and led him to a private

room where she proceeded

to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned

against his bare chest and

said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said

in his matter-of-fact

voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

[CaptainBloodscalp]

Ultimate Redneck Test

You score points for every statement below that applies to you. You will notice that some items have double points, because they count in more than one category. In other words, if you “have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education,” you get 10 points in the car category and another 10 under education for 20 total points.

The Redneck Test for Cars and Trucks

1 Point: You've ever parked a vehicle in a tree. (2 points if it was a Camero)

1 Point: You have a rag for a gas cap. (2 points if you regularly drive the car)

1 Point: You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car. (2 points if it has been there for more than a month, 3 points if more than 3 months. Continue to add 1 point each month.)

2 Points: You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

2 Points: Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job, primer red and primer gray. (Add one more for each additional color)

2 Points: The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

2 Points: When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank. (Double points: Car & Booze = 4 total)

5 Points: You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

5 Points: You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it in prison. (Double points: Car & Family = 10 total)

5 Points: You mow your lawn and find a car. (Add 5 points for each additional car you find.)

5 Points: There is more than one car up on blocks in the front yard. (Double points: Car & Home Decorating = 10 total per car) 10 Points: You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education. (Double points: Car & Education = 20 total) Jeffroe Hatfield holds the high score for this section at 221 points. Jeffroe mowed his lawn last summer and discovered 4 trucks and 3 cars. (6 were actually in the grass. One was a Camero in a tree that he could not see because the grass was that high.) Four had hefty bags in the passenger windows and 6 had rags for gas caps. He poured gin in their gas tanks, but could only get one to start. He put wide rear tires on that one along with the license plate that his father made. He plans to haul hay bales in it. The rest he put up on blocks in the front yard and has partially painted with primer. Jeffroe Hatfield says, “Ya’ll forget that book learnin’ in an hour, but a good truck … now thar’s somethin’ a man can be proud of."