jokes

[Christine]

Subject: what do retired people do all day

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into ashop.I was only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So I called him a s---head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.

LMAO!!!! I could see my cousin do that when he gets old-lol!

[Biker]

free cat. this is bad.

[Barbados Sam]

Biker, you are one sick bastard. That's what I like about you!

[Biker]

thank you, wait till ya meet me in Escondido.

[Biker]

Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'making out' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured 'Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick-a big eel ;had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared-her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house! Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.

[Patrick Hand]

Biker..... give that free cat half an hour, and it will be a free frisbee.........

[Rummy3]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their

> tent

>

> all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the

>

> Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

>

>

> The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

>

>

> "What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

>

>

> The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking,

> it tells

>

> me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of pla! nets.

> Astrologically,

>

> it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately

> a

>

> quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is

> all-powerful and

> we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a

> beautiful day tomorrow.

>

> What's it tell you, Tonto?"

>

>

> Tonto is silent for a moment, then says,

>

> "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than buffalo shit. Somebody stole tent

[Rummy3]

ok - here's a short one LMAO

Bubba, Junior and the Blonde

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde lady walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement & announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length.

Bubba and Junior are currently supervising the reconstruction of New Orleans....

[Rummy3]

Here's a better one...

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady! ! ! ! in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son... "Go get your mother."

[Barbados Sam]

61. Gravity always gets me down.

62. This statement is false.

63. Eschew obfuscation.

64. They told me I was gullible...and I believed them.

65. It's bad luck to be superstitious.

66. According to my best recollection, I don't remember.

67. The word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary.

68. Honk if you like peace and quiet.

69. Why are farts so damn funny?

70. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

[Bloody_Mary_Bonney]

70. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

can i get that made into a bumber sticker

[Patrick Hand]

The word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary.

I hadda e-mail that to my Boss.......

I'll let you know if she falls for it........

[lady snow]

father murphey grabbed one of his parishioners and asked 'do you want to go to heaven?' he said 'yes' and the pastor told him to go stand by the wall. he kept doing this til one of the flock answered 'no' 'what?',he yelled. 'don't you want to go to heaven when you die?' 'wht, tes, when idie' he responded! 'i just thought you were rounding up a group to go right now!'

[Barbados Sam]

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking....... and

one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away. Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see

Florida?????"

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and ask s her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just

yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

[Arthur Richards from Kent]

A man and his girlfriend are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the woman keeps staring at an old drunken man swigging his gin as he sits alone at a nearby table.

The man asks, "Do you know him?"

"Yes," sighs the wife, He's my ex-. He took to drink right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.

"My God!" says the man, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating leaving you for that long?

[Red-Handed Jill]

Law of Mechanical Repair:

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop:

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability:

The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone:

If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:

If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath:

When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:

The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result:

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics:

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre:

At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee:

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers:

If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Rugs/Carpets:

The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location:

No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument:

Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law:

If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law:

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law:

As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

[Red-Handed Jill]

A married couple are driving along a highway doing a steady fifty miles per hour.

The wife is behind the wheel.

Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice, " I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 55 mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend and I'm leaving you for her."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 60.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.

Up to 65.

"I want the car, too," he continues.

70 mph.

"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies-in a quiet and controlled voice.

"No, I've got everything I need," she says.

"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 70 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."

[lady snow]

love it jill!

and i think i have all those laws in my official rules book!

three priest, murphy, o'malley and o'brien dies and were greeted at the pearly gates by st. peter. he looks in the reservations book and informs them that there's been a terrible mistake. they were early and there was no place to put them. he goes and powwows with the big guuy and tells them that since it was a mistake on their end, that they were returning to earth for a week and could be anything they wanted to be for that period of time.

murphy thinks about it and says that she would like to be an eagle soaring over the rockies and 'poof' hewas gone.

o'malley thought about it while and decided the others were just chicken and after all the years of chastity and vcelibacy and what-not he'd like to be a manly man! i want to be a stud! and 'poof' he was gone.

a week later, god called saint peter and told him that he was ready for the priests and where could he pick them up.

well, answered peter - murphy you can pick up over the rockies, o'malley is on the serengeti and you can find o'brien on a snow tire in buffalo!

[Rummy3]

WooHoo! Good one~

OK, in honor of St PAtrick's day...

IRISH BOY IN CONFESSION

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been

with a loose woman.

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Timmy

Shaughnessy?

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And, who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to

ruin her reputation."

"Well, Timmy, I'm sure to find out sooner or

later, so you may as well

tell me now.

" Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Sheilah O'Brien?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Kathleen Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona Grogan, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a

steadfast lad, Timmy

Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned,

and you must atone.

You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be

off with you now."

Timmy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean

slides over and whispers,

"What'd you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads".

[lady snow]

love it! but i'm not sure my pastor when i was iin grammar school would, though!

[Barbados Sam]

71. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

72. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

73. A day without sunshine is like night.

74. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

75. Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines.

76. Gravity. Not just a good idea...it's the law!

77. Life is too complicated in the morning.

78. We are all part of the ultimate statistic. 10 out of 10 people die.

79. Nobody's perfect. I'm a nobody.

80. Ask me about my vow of silence.

[The Doctor]

A young lady was taking a bath one day, and she noticed strange pale green spots on her inner thighs. They wouldn't wash off, and she became concerned enough to go to the doctor.

The doctor couldn't identify the spots, either, so he told the woman that he's have some tests run and he'd call her with the results.

A couple days later, the woman's phone rang. Much to her relief, it was the doctor. "The results came back, and you'll be happy to know it's nothing serious. But I do have a question; is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"

"Yes, he is! Why do you ask?" replied the woman.

"Tell him that his earrings aren't real gold."

[Silkie McDonough]

DO NOT CLICK THIS LINK YE BE WARNED!!!!! - LINK REMOVED

I made the mistake of clicking it ...DON"T DO IT! It is loud and raunchy. Especially don't do it at work or where anyone else can hear the computer or the screen!

Biker, you have a warped sense of humor ...if you call it that.

[Mission]

DO NOT CLICK THIS LINK YE BE WARNED!!!!! - Link removed

I have been warned by one of the users that the site where this link directed you to infects your a computer with a trojan horse virus. I wasn't able to verify this, but if you have clicked on the link that was here, I suggest running a virus check on your computer.

To one and all, please be very cautious when you post links. Raunchy and pornographic sites are particularly notorious for these sorts of software "gifts". Remember that everyone's virus-checking software may not be quite as good as yours.

[Capt'n Floria]

A bear, wolf and a chicken were sat on a hill, trying to decide who was the scariest.

The bear said "Everytime i roar the forest quakes."

The lion said "Every time i roar the whole savanna trembles."

The chicken said "Everytime i cough the whole f***ing world shits itself."