PyratePhil Posted June 19, 2004 Share Posted June 19, 2004 I recently came across these here missives whilst curry-combin’ thru me sea chest… thought they might be o’ some amusement to ye all… ____________________________________________________________ DATE: January 23, 1727 TO: The Honorable Msgr. Pyrate Phil FROM: HRMIRS – Her Royal Majesty’s Internal Revenue Service RE: Tax Returns for 1723-1724-1725-1726 Dear Illustrious and Most Honored Esquire Pyrate Phil: In accordance with HRMIRS regulations, and by the powers granted unto this august body, we hereby ask most humbly for your Income Tax Returns for the above-listed years. In all probability this matter has been simply an oversight on your part – we understand that sea-faring trades have their hands full, so to speak, and cannot always find an opportune moment to remit their lawfully due accounts. We look forward to the favor of your reply at your earliest convenience. Earnestly and Most Humbly Yours in HRM’s Service, Lord Bailiwick Gobbstopper, Adjutant General, HRMIRS WBG/ww ____________________________________________________________ Febueery Three, 1727 TO: Mr. Bailjumper Goodwick, Rutting General, HRMIRS FROM: Pyrate Phil RE: Tax Returns for etc., etc. Mr. Bailjumper: I don’t recalls as ta how I be owin’ Her Royal Majesty any monies. I be classified as “Self-Employed – Sea Trade – Other”, accordin’ ta yer rule book (p. 2,675, para. 4). Thet there section sez thet I be exempt from any an’ all taxes. Alsa, I be expectin’ a refund o’ monies owed me, due ta me bein' robbed by ye agents th’ last three years. Me last 3 wives all (Bless ‘em) had mysterious illnesses and passed over, rest their souls. Their estates bein’ willed ta me, and HRM seein’ fit ta take a goodly portion o’ me righteously earned lucre, I feel’s I be due a refund. Kindly send sech refund ta: Pyrate Phil The Plague Port Royal Thank ye, Pyrate Phil ___________________________________________________________ DATE: February 24, 1727 TO: Mr. Pyrate Phil FROM: HRMIRS – Her Royal Majesty’s Internal Revenue Service RE: Tax Returns for 1723-1724-1725-1726 – Reply to Yours of February 3, 1727 Dear Mr. Pyrate Phil: Perhaps I have been negligent in explaining exactly how it is you owe the Crown a goodly amount of back taxes. Let me forthwith explain… For the years listed, you have seen fit to enter deductions based upon somewhat dubious expenses, to wit… 1) Leather preservative for cat o’ nine tails - £27 2) Salt Pork - £13 3) Gunpowder - £265 4) Wench Depreciation - £1,746 5) Use of The Plague as a mobile office - £573 6) Advertising - £435 Taking these in order: 1) The traditional usage in your trade of a cat of nine tails hardly justifies a “softening agent” 2) Salt pork is not a deductible item – see our circular, “What Can I Deduct?” 3) Gunpowder is a non-necessary item for your trade. 4) I was not aware that “wenches” (if by this name you are alluding to women) could be depreciated – it isn’t as if you BOUGHT them! 5) Your boat is also your home for more than 75% of the time, so an office deduction is disallowed. 6) Advertising – I hardly think that passing out ears of your slain enemies could qualify as “business card usage”; likewise, writing “England Rules, Spain Drools” on your main sail cannot qualify as “billboard investment”. Your previous wives’ “mysterious illnesses” were concluded by a Royal Court of Inquiry to be nothing more than ghastly death by excessive fornication. This hardly gives you an exemption, nor does it absolve you of your duty under Royal law to pay your taxes. We will expect your payment within the fortnight. Yours, Lord Bailiwick Gobbstopper, Adjutant General, HRMIRS WBG/ww ___________________________________________________________ DATE: April 1, 1727 TO: Wickstomper BallBouncer FROM: Someone Ye Don’t Want To Be Pisn' Off RE: Your Last Silly Letter I got’s better things ta be doin’ than argooin’ with ye, ye pasty-faced, rabbit-suckin’ lubber. Come ‘n’ get me, iffin ye knows how to trim a sail o’ pull a’ oar, ye white-bellied pansy! At least I be a real man – not a momma’s boy a-hidin’ behind me Queen’s petticoats. And…I DID buy me last 3 wives – what’s it to ye? Avast! PP ___________________________________________________________ DATE: April 20, 1727 TO: Mr. Phil FROM: HRMIRS – Her Royal Majesty’s Internal Revenue Service RE: Tax Returns for 1723-1724-1725-1726 – Reply to Yours of April 1, 1727 Mr.Phil: Since you have seen fit to taunt me in your last letter, be it known by all parties present that the Queen’s Deputies have duly been empowered to seek you out and bring you to justice for your repeated negligence in paying what is rightfully your legal and moral obligation. Unless it is to inform this office that you have agreed to pay this restitution, please refrain from any further scandalous and libelous communications. Lord GOBBSTOPPER, Adjutant General, HRMIRS ___________________________________________________________ DATE: May 14, 1727 TO: Lord Pansy Ass FROM: The Terror Of the Sea RE: Your Pathetic Mewlin’s OOOO, I be SOOOO a-scared! I be quiverin’ in me boots, I be! What a pansy! Come ‘n’ get me yerself, ye blowhard – iffin’ ye gots th’ courage that a deef and dum cabin-boy gots! Lord High Master Pyrate Phillipus Louigious Bellifontane, ACM, DRF, TDG, TGIF, ABC, CBS (There, ye poofter! I kin be addin’ words ‘n’ letters ta me name, too!) ____________________________________________________________ There be much, much more where thet be comin’ from, lords 'n’ ladies, but I think thet be a fair samplin’…besides which, it only gets worse... ...Qui desiderat pacem, praeparet bellum... ~ Vegetius Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Pyrate Posted June 19, 2004 Share Posted June 19, 2004 These are great! Keep em comin'! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
piratelassie Posted June 19, 2004 Share Posted June 19, 2004 Hilarious. I were rollin' on the deck wi' laughin. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rumba Rue Posted June 19, 2004 Share Posted June 19, 2004 Well aren't you jest a fine pirate! You tell 'em Phil! Too funny! Rumba Rue **I needed a good laugh** Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captian Wolfy Wench Posted June 20, 2004 Share Posted June 20, 2004 I can scarcely believe it! YOU in the 1700s? Pah! Captain Wolfy Wench Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PyratePhil Posted June 20, 2004 Author Share Posted June 20, 2004 Thank ye, thank ye... Donations can be made ta th' Lost Seamen Fund... ...Qui desiderat pacem, praeparet bellum... ~ Vegetius Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
privateer Posted June 20, 2004 Share Posted June 20, 2004 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PyratePhil Posted June 21, 2004 Author Share Posted June 21, 2004 I can scarcely believe it! YOU in the 1700s? Pah! Captain Wolfy Wench Aww, what be three hunnert years, give er take, amongst friends? ...Qui desiderat pacem, praeparet bellum... ~ Vegetius Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merrydeath Posted June 21, 2004 Share Posted June 21, 2004 I can scarcely believe it! YOU in the 1700s? Pah! Captain Wolfy Wench Aww, what be three hunnert years, give er take, amongst friends? Phil, very funny and worth a virtual drink! Keep em coming, matey! Infernal Revenue Services. Pirate Lass with sass, brass, a cutlass, an a nice *ss. Capt of the FOOLS GOLD PIRATES BLAST BREAST CANCER! GET A MAMMOGRAM AND SAVE YOUR TREASURED CHEST: http://www.myspace.c...iratesthinkpink http://www.myspace.c...oolsgoldpirates CAPT OF THE ONLY PYRITE SHIP AFLOAT: THE FOOL'S GOLD- look for us and Captain Merrydeath on facebook! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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