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I recently came across these here missives whilst curry-combin’ thru me sea chest… thought they might be o’ some amusement to ye all…

____________________________________________________________

DATE: January 23, 1727

TO: The Honorable Msgr. Pyrate Phil

FROM: HRMIRS – Her Royal Majesty’s Internal Revenue Service

RE: Tax Returns for 1723-1724-1725-1726

Dear Illustrious and Most Honored Esquire Pyrate Phil:

In accordance with HRMIRS regulations, and by the powers granted unto this august body, we hereby ask most humbly for your Income Tax Returns for the above-listed years.

In all probability this matter has been simply an oversight on your part – we understand that sea-faring trades have their hands full, so to speak, and cannot always find an opportune moment to remit their lawfully due accounts.

We look forward to the favor of your reply at your earliest convenience.

Earnestly and Most Humbly Yours in HRM’s Service,

Lord Bailiwick Gobbstopper, Adjutant General, HRMIRS

WBG/ww

____________________________________________________________

Febueery Three, 1727

TO: Mr. Bailjumper Goodwick, Rutting General, HRMIRS

FROM: Pyrate Phil

RE: Tax Returns for etc., etc.

Mr. Bailjumper:

I don’t recalls as ta how I be owin’ Her Royal Majesty any monies. I be classified as “Self-Employed – Sea Trade – Other”, accordin’ ta yer rule book (p. 2,675, para. 4). Thet there section sez thet I be exempt from any an’ all taxes.

Alsa, I be expectin’ a refund o’ monies owed me, due ta me bein' robbed by ye agents th’ last three years. Me last 3 wives all (Bless ‘em) had mysterious illnesses and passed over, rest their souls. Their estates bein’ willed ta me, and HRM seein’ fit ta take a goodly portion o’ me righteously earned lucre, I feel’s I be due a refund. Kindly send sech refund ta:

Pyrate Phil

The Plague

Port Royal

Thank ye,

Pyrate Phil

___________________________________________________________

DATE: February 24, 1727

TO: Mr. Pyrate Phil

FROM: HRMIRS – Her Royal Majesty’s Internal Revenue Service

RE: Tax Returns for 1723-1724-1725-1726 – Reply to Yours of February 3, 1727

Dear Mr. Pyrate Phil:

Perhaps I have been negligent in explaining exactly how it is you owe the Crown a goodly amount of back taxes. Let me forthwith explain…

For the years listed, you have seen fit to enter deductions based upon somewhat dubious expenses, to wit…

1) Leather preservative for cat o’ nine tails - £27

2) Salt Pork - £13

3) Gunpowder - £265

4) Wench Depreciation - £1,746

5) Use of The Plague as a mobile office - £573

6) Advertising - £435

Taking these in order:

1) The traditional usage in your trade of a cat of nine tails hardly justifies a “softening agent”

2) Salt pork is not a deductible item – see our circular, “What Can I Deduct?”

3) Gunpowder is a non-necessary item for your trade.

4) I was not aware that “wenches” (if by this name you are alluding to women) could be depreciated – it isn’t as if you BOUGHT them!

5) Your boat is also your home for more than 75% of the time, so an office deduction is disallowed.

6) Advertising – I hardly think that passing out ears of your slain enemies could qualify as “business card usage”; likewise, writing “England Rules, Spain Drools” on your main sail cannot qualify as “billboard investment”.

Your previous wives’ “mysterious illnesses” were concluded by a Royal Court of Inquiry to be nothing more than ghastly death by excessive fornication. This hardly gives you an exemption, nor does it absolve you of your duty under Royal law to pay your taxes.

We will expect your payment within the fortnight.

Yours,

Lord Bailiwick Gobbstopper, Adjutant General, HRMIRS

WBG/ww

___________________________________________________________

DATE: April 1, 1727

TO: Wickstomper BallBouncer

FROM: Someone Ye Don’t Want To Be Pisn' Off

RE: Your Last Silly Letter

I got’s better things ta be doin’ than argooin’ with ye, ye pasty-faced, rabbit-suckin’ lubber.

Come ‘n’ get me, iffin ye knows how to trim a sail o’ pull a’ oar, ye white-bellied pansy!

At least I be a real man – not a momma’s boy a-hidin’ behind me Queen’s petticoats.

And…I DID buy me last 3 wives – what’s it to ye?

Avast!

PP

___________________________________________________________

DATE: April 20, 1727

TO: Mr. Phil

FROM: HRMIRS – Her Royal Majesty’s Internal Revenue Service

RE: Tax Returns for 1723-1724-1725-1726 – Reply to Yours of April 1, 1727

Mr.Phil:

Since you have seen fit to taunt me in your last letter, be it known by all parties present that the Queen’s Deputies have duly been empowered to seek you out and bring you to justice for your repeated negligence in paying what is rightfully your legal and moral obligation.

Unless it is to inform this office that you have agreed to pay this restitution, please refrain from any further scandalous and libelous communications.

Lord GOBBSTOPPER, Adjutant General, HRMIRS

___________________________________________________________

DATE: May 14, 1727

TO: Lord Pansy Ass

FROM: The Terror Of the Sea

RE: Your Pathetic Mewlin’s

OOOO, I be SOOOO a-scared! I be quiverin’ in me boots, I be!

What a pansy!

Come ‘n’ get me yerself, ye blowhard – iffin’ ye gots th’ courage that a deef and dum cabin-boy gots!

Lord High Master Pyrate Phillipus Louigious Bellifontane,

ACM, DRF, TDG, TGIF, ABC, CBS

(There, ye poofter! I kin be addin’ words ‘n’ letters ta me name, too!)

____________________________________________________________

There be much, much more where thet be comin’ from, lords 'n’ ladies, but I think thet be a fair samplin’…besides which, it only gets worse...

...Qui desiderat pacem, praeparet bellum...

~ Vegetius

Posted
I can scarcely believe it! YOU in the 1700s? Pah! :huh::huh:

Captain Wolfy Wench

Aww, what be three hunnert years, give er take, amongst friends? :huh:

...Qui desiderat pacem, praeparet bellum...

~ Vegetius

Posted
I can scarcely believe it! YOU in the 1700s? Pah!  :P   :lol:

Captain Wolfy Wench

Aww, what be three hunnert years, give er take, amongst friends? :P

Phil, very funny and worth a virtual drink! Keep em coming, matey!

Infernal Revenue Services.

Pirate Lass with sass, brass, a cutlass, an a nice *ss. Capt of the FOOLS GOLD PIRATES

BLAST BREAST CANCER! GET A MAMMOGRAM AND SAVE YOUR TREASURED CHEST:

http://www.myspace.c...iratesthinkpink

http://www.myspace.c...oolsgoldpirates

CAPT OF THE ONLY PYRITE SHIP AFLOAT: THE FOOL'S GOLD- look for us and Captain Merrydeath on facebook!

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