Poor sea dog lookin' for advice.

[NastyNate]

So here I be in the NAVY and i be deployed as well. Then out of the blue when every thing seems to be right by me, BLAM, I gets me an electronic letter from me wif. She see fits ta tell me that she's sorry but she can't be with me any more. blind sided by th' whole ordeal i despreratly try to gets hold of 'er and ta' n' avail. but recently we's been talkin' an' she tells me that we can see if we can wurk tings owt w'en i gets 'ome. We been talkin sparaticly and she finally say she loves me again, but conversation is still speradic at best. She says i'm not th' onlee on' sh' been ignorrin'. she dun anser me messages nor me calls. it's gettin' mor anoyin' than any thin' anymor'. any wurds o' wisdom from the Pub?

(can ya tell i juss gots me pirate primer in da mail?)

[Lily Alexander]

Nasty Nate,

Sorry to hear of your difficulties. I married my hubby while he was in the Navy (1991) so I can relate to the challenges married couples face during long deployments. Have you tried talking to the chaplain? You may or may not be religious but they sometimes have good advice in these circumstances.

How much longer is your deployment?

Best wishes to you.

[NastyNate]

I have no problem talkin' ta' the Chaplin theyre some of the nicest people to talk to about your problems, and they rarely drag religon into the mix. I'm in the single didgets now waiting to get home. So as for advice all I'm really going to get out here is just wait till you get home and see what happens. But, I think my biggest problem is that she wont talk and I have no idea how to get her to start. I was kind of wishing ther was some one out ther who has been on her side of the coin that could help me not blow it and fix things up when i get there. This has got to be the longest part of the deployment, even when things arn't on the fritz.

[Lily Alexander]

I'm not sure if they still do this, but I know of a few instances where they would let guys off the ship early to take care of personal matters. Especially if your ship is planning on a tiger cruise, they used to welcome the open racks. The chaplain might be able to help in this regard as well.

Here's an idea. When you get home, send her some flowers (they don't have to be roses) with a note inviting her to a public place for breakfast, lunch, dinner, coffee, dessert, whatever you like. Something like " I would love it if you would meet me at 4:00 for lunch so we can talk". Phrase it however you like, but it puts the ball in her court and you are making an honest effort to communicate with her.

Good Luck.

[NastyNate]

I keep hearing about these flower things. i think i'll have ta transfer a few dabloons to me other chest an' gets some of those.

[Lily Alexander]

Lilies are always nice

Couldn't resist that one.

[NastyNate]

yes, yes i' see *scribbles in note book*

[GingerSpice]

As a wife who has a marriage that did fail, not for any military reason or that, but because well, I do not wish to say as I am still very very hurt over it, and we still live together....for now.

First you must treat her like a lady, no cussing, even if she does, she may have met someone, but make sure if you love her and really want her back you realize you have been gone and she needed held thinking you could have died- no excuse to be sure, but if you love her, tell her you forgive her and you will work through it and love her till you are both old and gray and never throw it in her face if you forgive her. That will mean more to her than anything because she is going to punish herself if that is what it is. NOT that is is that. I have no clue. But she needs to know you will be there for her, forever, and forever can't be a short time. It has to mean life. Court her, love her, date her, make love to her for hours when you can, kiss her until she begs for you and then make her keep begging and keep kissing and please her and keep pleasing her. Make sure she goes to her friends and brags about you. I know that you need to be able to put a meeting or fun aside if she is having a bad day even if is just to be with her... Not sure if you two have kids but if she has been both mom and dad to the kids that is a heck of a responsibility trust me I know. I have had to handle that as well with more than one child. One is a special needs child. She could just be afraid too if she gained ten pounds or so that you won't love her...women go through odd feelings called hormones. Give it time, hope for the best, seek a counselor that is the best advise I can give you but never ever ever give up....for a woman is like a treasure, do not let it be stolen from you or bury it in hard feelings mate. Treasure her and keep her polished. Give her a rub down....and kiss her tell her how you feel do not hold back the feelings, that is the biggest mistake men make and then they loose a good woman, do not let pride step in.

good luck- Ginger.

[Silkie McDonough]

Ginger, that all sounds like fair advice but the man is nowhere near her and she won't talk to him.

I have never been married so I have no advice to give only that for me, positive thinking and prayer seem to be the answer.

Best of luck to you lad.

[Honour Bright]

On the flip side, know when to bail out. If it isn't going to work, no amount of wooing and flowers will do it.

No woman--at least this one--wants a man who kisses her arse.

So cut your losses and walk away with some dignity.

[Capt. Bo of the WTF co.]

I can tell you sir, avoid any more heartache and get out now. This trend will not reverse. I don't know how many men I saw reduced to lumps of despairing, inconsoleable drones over this while I was in the Navy, and several in civilian life. Keep your honor intact and give her the slip. I hung-on for eight years with my first wife "for the kids' sake" and nothing I did or could do would make her faithful. Don't degrade yourself by playing her game. You will lose.

Bo

P.S. I would say the same thing to a woman facing the same situation with an unfaithful man.

Edited July 20, 2009 by Capt. Bo of the WTF co.

[Lily Alexander]

Is doing what is easy the honorable thing to do? We don't know both sides of the story either. It's a little difficult giving advice to people we don't know.

Perhaps Nasty Nate can communicate with his wife, work things out and live happily ever after. Perhaps they will come to an impasse and go their separate ways. However, if he makes an honest effort to try then he will know that he did everything he could and will have nothing to be ashamed of. He will be the one to move on with his life without regret.

[Rumba Rue]

"Dear John" letters just suck don't they?

Sorry to read about your marriage problems. In all due respect, if she feels that way, let it be, there's not much you can do to change her mind.

I'm just guessing here, but it sounds like she's found someone else.

Best bet, let her go, there are better fish in the sea.

Rumba

[gunner Gordon]

I spent years away from my country and my family, I know the type pf impatience you feel. The others have given all true and heartfelt advice acording to their experiance, well done to them that have shared with a brother. I would only say be yourself, be true to yourself and don't try tobe someone you are not. If she loves you it is YOU, not some hat of tricks to fool her with. Treat her the way you want to be treated, good bad or indifferent, be yourself. I have tried and failed more times then I want to admit, the only time it has worked was when the lady fell in love with me and not the image I try to project.For this I fell in love with her too. The most stacked deck against me has produced the truest love I have ever known. It is more important to learn from love in all it's forms of hurt and pleasure than it is to win. For it will ever be a learning process just pay attention to your mate ,study her as you would your most passionate intrest, in fact make her your most passionate interest. That whish all else revolves around. For the two of you may only have each other when all else might be lost. I don't mean to ramble on, but my redemption in the love of a wonderful lady came at the eleventh hour. Never give up on you and the right one will find you, if she hasn't already. Good luck, please keep us posted....we do care