Capt. Westyn Elizabeth Roberts Posted May 20, 2003 Posted May 20, 2003 There once was a crusty old pirate who liked to go ashore, get liquored up and then rob people's houses...like all pirates. Anyway, he had been watching one house all night, making sure that the residents were going away. When the master and mistress of the house departed for a night on the town, the pirate took his chance. He shimmied through an open window and was looking all around for things to steal. He laughed when he noticed that the joint was a treasure trove of goodies. He grabbed his big burlap sack and immediately headed for the silver cabinet. All of a sudden, he heard a strange voice, "Jesus is watching you." The pirate looked all around. He could have sworn that everyone was gone. Thinking it was his imagination and maybe a little bit of conscience, he ignored it and started putting the mistress's expensive jewels into his sack. Then, again, he heard the voice, "Jesus is watching you." He finally found where the voice was coming from. It was a brightly colored parrot sitting on a perch on the far side of the room. The pirate laughed at himself for being so scared and silly and then went back to sacking up the money he'd found in the master's army trunk. Once again, the parrot called, "Jesus is watching you." The pirate grumbled and yelled at the parrot, "Avast, ye scurvy devil!" Then, he went back to looting, wondering why people would teach their parrot to be religious. Suddenly, he heard a deep, horrible, menacing snarl coming from the doorway. When he turned around to look, a monstrous Rottweiler was standing in the doorway, growling and salivating. Suddenly, the parrot cried out, "Sic him, Jesus!" Ha, ha! Capt. WE Roberts "I shall uphold my indignity with the utmost dignity befitting a person of my undignified station."
Capt. Westyn Elizabeth Roberts Posted May 20, 2003 Posted May 20, 2003 A THOUGHT TO PONDER: Why is it that (on movies) most people who refer to pirates say they have their "sea legs," when most of them only have one? Shouldn't it be "sea leg"? Capt. WE Roberts "I shall uphold my indignity with the utmost dignity befitting a person of my undignified station."
Capt. Westyn Elizabeth Roberts Posted May 20, 2003 Posted May 20, 2003 I heard this one on Muppet Treasure Island, but it doesn't seem to get the same rise out of the kiddies as it does out of the adults. I suppose there could be a hidden meaning in this... Q: Why does the ocean roar? A: You would too, if you had crabs on your bottom and oysters in your bed! "I shall uphold my indignity with the utmost dignity befitting a person of my undignified station."
Capt. Westyn Elizabeth Roberts Posted May 20, 2003 Posted May 20, 2003 There once was a beloved pirate captain and his faithful crew of forty men. All of the men were brave sailors who would do anything to preserve the crew, except one. The captain's idiot son. This young buck didn't know which end of a sword was for holding and which end was for poking, so he often got into trouble. One stormy night, the captain and his crew discovered that another pirate vessel was quickly approaching. Just as the captain was hoping that the vessel would sail on by, the other ship raised the Jolly Roger. The captain signaled for his crew to man their stations and prepare for battle. Soon, however, the villainous vessel caught up with the good captain. The bad pirates fought, but were greedy and unchivalrous and were no match for the captain and his crew of thirty-nine good pirates and one stupid son. All the opposing pirates were either killed or taken prisoner. That night, the good captain and his men celebrated. However, the next night, the captain became gravely ill. He soon passed away and the forty sailors prepared to give the good captain a proper farewell. One pirate said, "I'll bring the Captain's favorite rum to drink. We can drink in a salute to him." Another pirate said, "I'll bring the Captain's favorite salted pork to eat. We can eat it and think of the Captain's bravery." Another pirate said, "I'll wear my shirt that the Captain bought for me in Port Royal." After a while, thirty-nine of the sailors had professed their love for the captain and decided what to bring to celebrate the captain's life and bravery. However, the stupid son couldn't think of anything to bring. After a while, he slapped his forehead and then ran below. A few moments later, he came running back on deck with a chair. The other thirty-nine pirates all looked at each other in confusion. They expected the Captain's son (of all people) to come up with the most fitting ceremonial dedication to his father. One sailor shrugged and asked, "Was that the Captain's favorite chair?" The stupid son shook his head. Another pirate asked, "Did the Captain make that chair?" Again, the stupid son shook his head. Finally, the sailors gave up and asked, "Well, why did you bring that chair?" The stupid son smiled and said proudly, "For Rigamortis to set in." Arrgh! Capt. WE Roberts "I shall uphold my indignity with the utmost dignity befitting a person of my undignified station."
captweaver65 Posted May 20, 2003 Author Posted May 20, 2003 "I forgot the safety word." Charity,you are sick n twisted-those are 2 qualities I admire greatly. hehe...er..I mean...AAARRRGGGGHHHH!!! Capt Weaver "No man will be a sailor who has contrivance enough to get himself into a jail; for being in a ship is being in a jail, with the chance of being drowned. A man in jail has more room, better food, and commonly better company. " Dr. Samuel Johnson Capt Weaver's Pirate Perversions
captweaver65 Posted May 20, 2003 Author Posted May 20, 2003 There once was a pirate named Gates Who cut a fine figure on skates. 'Til a fall on his cutlass Rendered him nutless And practically useless on dates. Capt Weaver "No man will be a sailor who has contrivance enough to get himself into a jail; for being in a ship is being in a jail, with the chance of being drowned. A man in jail has more room, better food, and commonly better company. " Dr. Samuel Johnson Capt Weaver's Pirate Perversions
Capt. Westyn Elizabeth Roberts Posted May 20, 2003 Posted May 20, 2003 "I forgot the safety word."Sorry, somebody explain that to me. I just don't get it. It may be a blond thing. I'll check back in a week to make sure it has proper time to sink in me head...heh, heh, heh. SPEAKING OF WHICH: What do you call a blond pirate captain with a sharp cutlass, a bad attitude, a craving for chocolate and a bad case of insomnia? Me. [ugh! Damn this low-carb diet! Where's the rum?] Capt. WE Roberts "I shall uphold my indignity with the utmost dignity befitting a person of my undignified station."
captweaver65 Posted May 21, 2003 Author Posted May 21, 2003 Capt.Roberts, a safe word is used in bd/sm/Ds (bondage discipline/sadism masochism/Dominant submissive) to indicate that an activity has gone too far and is unwanted or unsafe.the safe word is used to tell the person in control without having to come back to reality and break the magic of the moment. Capt Weaver Capt Weaver "No man will be a sailor who has contrivance enough to get himself into a jail; for being in a ship is being in a jail, with the chance of being drowned. A man in jail has more room, better food, and commonly better company. " Dr. Samuel Johnson Capt Weaver's Pirate Perversions
Dorian Lasseter Posted May 21, 2003 Posted May 21, 2003 Hmmm.... I've a rather sick n' twisted pyratey song..... sould I post it here, or in the Shanties forum? Tis 'bout a Lass who may have spent a bit tooo much time 'round the Mast (ahem).... Truly, D. Lasseter Captain, The Lucy Propria Virtute Audax --- In Hoc Signo Vinces Ni Feidir An Dubh A Chur Ina Bhan Air "If I whet my glittering sword, and mine hand take hold on judgment; I will render vengeance to mine enemies, and will reward them that hate me." Deuteronomy 32:41 Envy and its evil twin - It crept in bed with slander - Idiots they gave advice - But Sloth it gave no answer - Anger kills the human soul - With butter tales of Lust - While Pavlov's Dogs keep chewin' - On the legs they never trust... The Seven Deadly Sins http://www.colonialnavy.org
Capt. Westyn Elizabeth Roberts Posted May 21, 2003 Posted May 21, 2003 Capt. Weaver... Thanks! Methinks you know far too much about S&M, but hey...(spank, spank)...whatever floats yer pirate ship! Heh, heh! Capt. Luigi apparently needs cabin boys to flog him...keeping him in line, I guess. I knew about that S&M safety word, but I just wasn't connecting pirates and S&M. I was thinking 16th-18th century. Anyway, I didn't figure anyone but the royals participated in such naughty things! ROFLMAO! See ya! Capt. WE Roberts "I shall uphold my indignity with the utmost dignity befitting a person of my undignified station."
Capt. Westyn Elizabeth Roberts Posted May 21, 2003 Posted May 21, 2003 Dorian Lasseter: Send us the song! Send it, send it! We are all grown pirates here. We won't hunt you down and give you "the black spot" or anything... Heh, heh, heh... Capt. WE Roberts "I shall uphold my indignity with the utmost dignity befitting a person of my undignified station."
captweaver65 Posted May 22, 2003 Author Posted May 22, 2003 Capt. Roberts, hehe, yer right,I know far too much about S&M. just remember that floggings are good for the skin;they open up the surface capillaries,smooth open pores and are exfoliating. and cabin boys are such wonderful things-of course I don't follow the ancient tradition of prepubescent cabin boys-mine are over 18 and only boys in spirit Capt Weaver Capt Weaver "No man will be a sailor who has contrivance enough to get himself into a jail; for being in a ship is being in a jail, with the chance of being drowned. A man in jail has more room, better food, and commonly better company. " Dr. Samuel Johnson Capt Weaver's Pirate Perversions
Dorian Lasseter Posted May 22, 2003 Posted May 22, 2003 Give ME th' Black Spot?!?!? I think not.... Weeeeellllllll..... here be the unexpergated version... I know it as "The Necrophelia Song" I dunno th' tune, but I think ye can figure it out yerself..... Tis best sung wi' a roudy bunch wi' a lead singer.... Bein' 3 sheets ta th' wind, tho not a prerequisite, helps... First part is th' lead in; " I'll tell you a tale of a bonney young lass, who would never suffer a sailor to pass. Tis a tale that ends sadly tho true, She'd set ya right down and here's what you'd do..." 1. Oh, I put my hand upon her arm, Ya Ho, Ya Ho Oh, I put my hand upon her arm, Ya Ho, Ya Ho! I put my hand upon her arm, she said hey sailor yer doin no harm, chorus; Get in, get out quit fuckin' about, Ya Ho, Ya Ho, Ya Ho... 2. Oh, I put my hand upon her tit, Ya Ho, Ya Ho Oh, I put my hand upon her tit , Ya Ho, Ya Ho! I put my hand upon her tit, she said hey sailor quit squeezin' it, Chorus 3. Oh, I put my hand upon her knee, Ya Ho, Ya Ho Oh, I put my hand upon her knee, Ya Ho, Ya Ho! I put my hand upon her knee, she said hey sailor yer ticklin' me, Chorus 4. Oh, I put my hand upon her thigh, Ya Ho, Ya Ho Oh, I put my hand upon her thigh, Ya Ho, Ya Ho! I put my hand upon her thigh, she said hey sailor yer gettin' me high, Chorus 5. Oh, I put my hand upon her twat, Ya Ho, Ya Ho Oh, I put my hand upon her twat, Ya Ho, Ya Ho! I put my hand upon her twat, she said hey sailor ya hit the spot, Chorus 6. (not necessary, but hey ya went this far) Oh, I put my cock into her mouth, Ya Ho, Ya Ho Oh, I put my cock into her mouth, Ya Ho, Ya Ho! I put my cock into her mouth, she said Mmmm,MMMMmmm,MmmMmm, Chorus 7. (sung at half pace, lick a durge) Oh, Now she lies in a wooden box, Ya Ho, Ya Ho Oh, Now she lies in a wooden box, Ya Ho, Ya Ho Now she lies in a wooden box, laid low from too many sailors cocks, get in, get out, quit fuckin' about - Ya Ho, Ya Ho, Ya Ho... 8. (sung at a much jauntier pace) Oh, We dig her up every once an' awhile, Ya Ho, Ya Ho Oh, We dig her up every once an' awhile!, Ya Ho, Ya Ho! We dig her up every once an' awhile, Hell! She fucked us then, she'll fuck us now! Get in, get out, quit fuckin' about, Ya Ho, Ya Ho Ya Hoooooo!!! Thar she be.... in all her glory.... th' first time I've ever put it in print... Truly, D. Lasseter Captain, The Lucy Propria Virtute Audax --- In Hoc Signo Vinces Ni Feidir An Dubh A Chur Ina Bhan Air "If I whet my glittering sword, and mine hand take hold on judgment; I will render vengeance to mine enemies, and will reward them that hate me." Deuteronomy 32:41 Envy and its evil twin - It crept in bed with slander - Idiots they gave advice - But Sloth it gave no answer - Anger kills the human soul - With butter tales of Lust - While Pavlov's Dogs keep chewin' - On the legs they never trust... The Seven Deadly Sins http://www.colonialnavy.org
Dorian Lasseter Posted May 22, 2003 Posted May 22, 2003 Well, Th' fog o' grog addled m'brain... 'ere's an additional verse, mabye #1A Oh, I put my hand upon her toes, Ya Ho, Ya Ho Oh, I put my hand upon her toes, Ya Ho, Ya Ho! I put my hand upon her toes, she said hey sailor yer way too low, Chorus Ok, 'nuff out o' me... Truly, D. Lasseter Captain, The Lucy Propria Virtute Audax --- In Hoc Signo Vinces Ni Feidir An Dubh A Chur Ina Bhan Air "If I whet my glittering sword, and mine hand take hold on judgment; I will render vengeance to mine enemies, and will reward them that hate me." Deuteronomy 32:41 Envy and its evil twin - It crept in bed with slander - Idiots they gave advice - But Sloth it gave no answer - Anger kills the human soul - With butter tales of Lust - While Pavlov's Dogs keep chewin' - On the legs they never trust... The Seven Deadly Sins http://www.colonialnavy.org
captweaver65 Posted May 23, 2003 Author Posted May 23, 2003 hey Dorian,I think you have a bad case of potty mouth-that's always an appropriate trait fer a pirate. Capt Weaver "No man will be a sailor who has contrivance enough to get himself into a jail; for being in a ship is being in a jail, with the chance of being drowned. A man in jail has more room, better food, and commonly better company. " Dr. Samuel Johnson Capt Weaver's Pirate Perversions
Dorian Lasseter Posted May 23, 2003 Posted May 23, 2003 Capt. Weaver, I Thank Ye Kindly fer the compliment... As another asside to that song, many, many more verses can be added, ya just gotta figure out a good rhyme ta go with which ever body part ya wish ta lay yer hand upon... What I wrote is the original with only two ( I think) added verses, the lead in, and verse 6... And yes, them there folks who do the SCA thing, I started singing this at Pennsic about 10, 12 years ago, so you may have heard a version of it there... Truly, D. Lasseter Captain, The Lucy Propria Virtute Audax --- In Hoc Signo Vinces Ni Feidir An Dubh A Chur Ina Bhan Air "If I whet my glittering sword, and mine hand take hold on judgment; I will render vengeance to mine enemies, and will reward them that hate me." Deuteronomy 32:41 Envy and its evil twin - It crept in bed with slander - Idiots they gave advice - But Sloth it gave no answer - Anger kills the human soul - With butter tales of Lust - While Pavlov's Dogs keep chewin' - On the legs they never trust... The Seven Deadly Sins http://www.colonialnavy.org
redhand Posted May 23, 2003 Posted May 23, 2003 Dorian- I got a chuckle outta that, sounds alot like the joke somebody told about the 5 pirates and the 1 gal. I do believe tho that your song is based on an original shanty, I can't recall the title but some of the verses are the same... well except for the "dead" parts Redhand
Dorian Lasseter Posted May 23, 2003 Posted May 23, 2003 Aye Redhand, I do believe yer right, tis based on a Capstan shanty...I'd love ta find th' original... There's also another song of which I can't remember all but the Chorus... "Friggin' in the Riggin'" "Oh 'we're Friggin' in the Riggin, Friggin in the Riggin! Friggin' in the Riggin' 'cos there's fuck all else ta do!" Many, many verses ta that'n too.... Mind you, I do know many Clean Shanties.... Truly, D. Lasseter Captain, The Lucy Propria Virtute Audax --- In Hoc Signo Vinces Ni Feidir An Dubh A Chur Ina Bhan Air "If I whet my glittering sword, and mine hand take hold on judgment; I will render vengeance to mine enemies, and will reward them that hate me." Deuteronomy 32:41 Envy and its evil twin - It crept in bed with slander - Idiots they gave advice - But Sloth it gave no answer - Anger kills the human soul - With butter tales of Lust - While Pavlov's Dogs keep chewin' - On the legs they never trust... The Seven Deadly Sins http://www.colonialnavy.org
redhand Posted May 23, 2003 Posted May 23, 2003 Dorian- Like all men if they couldn't actually do it, they were sure as sin gonna sing about it! !! Redhand
Dorian Lasseter Posted May 23, 2003 Posted May 23, 2003 LOL Redhand! I could see doin' it up on a fightin' top... Or the ratlines up th' bowsprit... Or.... Hey! Ya got me thinkin' 'bout that way too hard! Truly, D. Lasseter Captain, The Lucy Propria Virtute Audax --- In Hoc Signo Vinces Ni Feidir An Dubh A Chur Ina Bhan Air "If I whet my glittering sword, and mine hand take hold on judgment; I will render vengeance to mine enemies, and will reward them that hate me." Deuteronomy 32:41 Envy and its evil twin - It crept in bed with slander - Idiots they gave advice - But Sloth it gave no answer - Anger kills the human soul - With butter tales of Lust - While Pavlov's Dogs keep chewin' - On the legs they never trust... The Seven Deadly Sins http://www.colonialnavy.org
captweaver65 Posted May 26, 2003 Author Posted May 26, 2003 What do pirates have in common with serial killers? They both have pieces of eight lying about the house. Capt Weaver "No man will be a sailor who has contrivance enough to get himself into a jail; for being in a ship is being in a jail, with the chance of being drowned. A man in jail has more room, better food, and commonly better company. " Dr. Samuel Johnson Capt Weaver's Pirate Perversions
captweaver65 Posted May 26, 2003 Author Posted May 26, 2003 how much did the pirate pay for his peg leg and hook an arm and a leg Capt Weaver "No man will be a sailor who has contrivance enough to get himself into a jail; for being in a ship is being in a jail, with the chance of being drowned. A man in jail has more room, better food, and commonly better company. " Dr. Samuel Johnson Capt Weaver's Pirate Perversions
Charity Sweetlove Posted May 28, 2003 Posted May 28, 2003 I have the lyrics to Friggin in the Riggin and also the sister song to it which is called "The Good Ship Venus" but they're really amazingly bad. (which is probably why I adore 'em) The Poxy Boggards sing a version of the Good ship Venus. *thinks* I think Anthrax did a cover of Friggin in the Riggin.
Dorian Lasseter Posted May 28, 2003 Posted May 28, 2003 M'dear, Charity, Well, what migt be stoppin' ye from postin' the lyrics? Get on wi' it Lass!!! If'n I had th' words ta Friggin' i' th' Riggin, they'd be posted.... Truly, D. Lasseter Captain, The Lucy Propria Virtute Audax --- In Hoc Signo Vinces Ni Feidir An Dubh A Chur Ina Bhan Air "If I whet my glittering sword, and mine hand take hold on judgment; I will render vengeance to mine enemies, and will reward them that hate me." Deuteronomy 32:41 Envy and its evil twin - It crept in bed with slander - Idiots they gave advice - But Sloth it gave no answer - Anger kills the human soul - With butter tales of Lust - While Pavlov's Dogs keep chewin' - On the legs they never trust... The Seven Deadly Sins http://www.colonialnavy.org
Dorian Lasseter Posted May 28, 2003 Posted May 28, 2003 Or should I be askin' Brenna ta post them lyrics? Which of ye be the bawdiest ta do such a thing? Speakin' o' alter egos... My brudder, Angus, th' one who looks like me but wi' one less leg? He'll sing any o' them songs to anyone... mind ye, 'e's half crazy... Truly, D. Lasseter Captain, The Lucy Propria Virtute Audax --- In Hoc Signo Vinces Ni Feidir An Dubh A Chur Ina Bhan Air "If I whet my glittering sword, and mine hand take hold on judgment; I will render vengeance to mine enemies, and will reward them that hate me." Deuteronomy 32:41 Envy and its evil twin - It crept in bed with slander - Idiots they gave advice - But Sloth it gave no answer - Anger kills the human soul - With butter tales of Lust - While Pavlov's Dogs keep chewin' - On the legs they never trust... The Seven Deadly Sins http://www.colonialnavy.org
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