JohnnyTarr Posted November 12, 2007 Share Posted November 12, 2007 What do you do with the ghosts from your past? I seem to be oppsessed by one of mine and I can't seem to let it rest. I need to sooth a wounded soul. Git up of your asses, set up those glasses I'm drinking this place dry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red Cat Jenny Posted November 12, 2007 Share Posted November 12, 2007 Yours or theirs? Some days even my lucky rocketship underpants won't help.... Her reputation was her livelihood. I'm a pirate, love. By nature and by choice! My inner voice sometimes has an accent! My wont? A delicious rip in time... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silkie McDonough Posted November 12, 2007 Share Posted November 12, 2007 They say time heals all wounds. One can only hope. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Misson Posted November 12, 2007 Share Posted November 12, 2007 Yeah, if it's a loss of some kind, you first have to get through the grieving process. Someone told me that around when my divorce was going on and I didn't believe them, but it pretty much happened like they said. ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grief ) If you want to actively counteract such things, you need to take action. Do something you really enjoy so you can immerse yourself in it and see that you can get out of the funk of the past and accomplish something. Of course, that really only works once your through the grieving process from my experience. We seem to be built that way. "I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.” -Oscar Wilde "If we all worked on the assumption that what is accepted is really true, there would be little hope of advance." -Orville Wright Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnnyTarr Posted November 12, 2007 Author Share Posted November 12, 2007 Yours or theirs? It would be mine that I need to heal. Git up of your asses, set up those glasses I'm drinking this place dry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silkie McDonough Posted November 12, 2007 Share Posted November 12, 2007 I agree with Mission however getting through the greiving process is TOUGH! One can only push so far and the resistance becomes nearly unmovable from time to time. I have also ound that it is PAINFUL when you want something to have worked out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LongTom Posted November 12, 2007 Share Posted November 12, 2007 If it is something that you wish had turned out differently -- especially if it is wishing that the other person had behaved differently -- you need to reconcile yourself to the idea that what happened is the only thing that could have happened, given the situation and who the people were at the time. When what should have been is more attractive than what actually was, it is too easy to hang onto the former, instead of moving past the latter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnnyTarr Posted November 12, 2007 Author Share Posted November 12, 2007 If it is something that you wish had turned out differently -- especially if it is wishing that the other person had behaved differently -- you need to reconcile yourself to the idea that what happened is the only thing that could have happened, given the situation and who the people were at the time. When what should have been is more attractive than what actually was, it is too easy to hang onto the former, instead of moving past the latter. Well that is very close to what happened. I have been reaquainted with an old flame. Things happened and we got sepperated. Time past and I never forgot about her but could never find her. Now I am married with two great girls and I find that my love for her is still as strong as it ever was. I am tring to come to terms with this while still remaining friends with her. Git up of your asses, set up those glasses I'm drinking this place dry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheeky Actress Posted November 12, 2007 Share Posted November 12, 2007 Oh JohnnyTarr, my heart goes out to you! I've been through the same thing! All I can say is that you must move forward...for the sake of those who are in your life now. It can be difficult at first, but coming to terms with it now will be best for everyone involved. Member of "The Forsaken" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnnyTarr Posted November 12, 2007 Author Share Posted November 12, 2007 Does that mean giving up any friendship with the other one? Git up of your asses, set up those glasses I'm drinking this place dry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red-Handed Jill Posted November 12, 2007 Share Posted November 12, 2007 I was in a somewhat similar situation, but not in your role. Years ago, I was involved with a guy who re-connected with his old flame after many years. He said that they were now friends; she was now engaged to someone else and he had been talking marriage with me. Well, their friendship led to a long visit by her where, shall we say, she did not stay in the guest bedroom. Needless to say, I left him. I realise that I had less to lose than you and your wife, but if your feelings are as you say, the outcome could be similar to mine. Are you willing to risk that? Time does weird things to memories. I'm of the opinion that LongTom has the right idea about this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheeky Actress Posted November 12, 2007 Share Posted November 12, 2007 Does that mean giving up any friendship with the other one? It might...it depends on do you trust yourself with this woman? Member of "The Forsaken" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnnyTarr Posted November 12, 2007 Author Share Posted November 12, 2007 Does that mean giving up any friendship with the other one? It might...it depends on do you trust yourself with this woman? Well the "with" most likly will never happen. She is in TN, while I am here in WI. We talk about once a month on the net. She is going thru some hard times and I would like to see her happy. I know that her and I could never be together but that is the ghost that I want to put to rest. I will always care for her I doubt that will ever change. But between the two of us yes I do trust that nothing would happen if we were to meet. Git up of your asses, set up those glasses I'm drinking this place dry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LongTom Posted November 12, 2007 Share Posted November 12, 2007 Ah, I see. What happened in the past happened for a reason. Your present reality is happening for a reason too; and both the past and present create the story that a relationship with this person is unreality. The version of the story that would have ended differently is now essentially and for all purposes an alternate universe. See it for what it is, and wave goodbye to it as it drifts back into obscurity, just another among the endless legions of variant outcomes. Also, embrace the present. Meaning, do some work to ground yourself in your marriage and family, in your present identity as husband and father. You are haunted by something that almost was, but isn't. Focus on what IS. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LongTom Posted November 12, 2007 Share Posted November 12, 2007 It is worth noting that Internet relationships take on an artificially heightened sense of intimacy and intensity. Something about the level of concentration that is exercised while at the keyboard, I think. Bear that in mind and it will help to temper your reactions. Your current experience of her is as a disembodied set of words, which is in some strange way akin to a memory, in terms of its sensation of reality/unreality. Also, your brain fills in the gaps in the experience, substituting what you knew about her back then -- and are imagining about her now -- for what doesn't get transmitted down the ethernet cable. Thus your current chatting reinforces the old memories, and is in some way de-linking you from your present reality. If you choose to continue contact with her, I'm wondering what you can do to integrate your current relationship with her into your real life. Invite your wife to chat with you both? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red-Handed Jill Posted November 12, 2007 Share Posted November 12, 2007 AMEN to that, LongTom. Whether or not you ever see this woman in person, you still have a connection with her that is interfering with your marriage and family life. You can continue on and keep your heart divided, but it's a good bet that your wife will discover this and it will hurt her. Are you willing to risk that for a fantasy? I've seen friends go through the same situation and the ones who didn't move on and concentrate on their current relationship ended up regretting it in a big way. These folks all wanted validation that what they were doing was okay and by some miracle would work out well, but it never worked out. Let's put the shoe on the other foot. What if your wife was still pining after one of her old flames, got back in touch with him and, although she knew in her heart it was a bad idea, stayed in touch with him, even though it was taking her emotionally away from you? Seriously, how would you feel? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnnyTarr Posted November 13, 2007 Author Share Posted November 13, 2007 I see that you all are not going to play fair. Ok I have to admit that I really have been talking to myself about this and you all are just echoing my own thoughts on it. It is just so hard to let go of some things like this. I just hope that is doesn't break my heart in the process. Git up of your asses, set up those glasses I'm drinking this place dry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily Alexander Posted November 13, 2007 Share Posted November 13, 2007 When I was a young lass, I married a man that I loved very much and I thought loved me in return. I knew he had a previous relationship with another woman and I was led to believe that was behind him. About 1 year into our "marriage", I started seeing a strange long distance phone number on our bill (there was no internet at the time) and decided to call it. I can't even begin to tell you how hurt and devistated I felt. He kept telling me they were "just friends", he "needed someone to talk to". I thought that's what he married me for. To be friend, wife, lover, etc..... Needless to say, he never was truely over her and our marriage ended a short time later. My point to this story is that I've been on the other foot, as I'm sure many other here have been as well, and it hurts like Hell. I couldn't get over the betrayal of trust, amongst a host of other things, that a marriage is supposed to be built upon. Does you wife know how you feel about this other person? If she doesn't and she finds out, I'm fairly certain she won't be too happy about it. Or, maybe she does know and is ok with it? How much are you willing to risk? Edit: Sorry, not trying to sound preachy, just thought you might like to hear a story from the other side. Good luck to you. If you're gonna give me a headache, please bring me an aspirin! http://www.forttaylorpyrates.com/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnnyTarr Posted November 13, 2007 Author Share Posted November 13, 2007 My wife knows that I talk to her and I would be a fool to say that she likes it. The first time that the ex got back in touch with me was two weeks after she got married. I took that news a little hard. I crawled into a bottle and didn't come out for nine months. My wife was my girlfriend at the time and helped me threw it all. That is way I married her. Over the last ten years the ex and I have talked several times. Now I know that she is having a hard time in her life and all I want to do is help her. I don't want to give up what I have now for a possiblity but I find it hard to just walk away. Does that make any sense to anybody? Git up of your asses, set up those glasses I'm drinking this place dry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red-Handed Jill Posted November 13, 2007 Share Posted November 13, 2007 I see that you all are not going to play fair. Ok I have to admit that I really have been talking to myself about this and you all are just echoing my own thoughts on it. It is just so hard to let go of some things like this. I just hope that is doesn't break my heart in the process. We're not meant to make it easy for you. We'd be no help at all if we just told you what you thought you wanted to hear. Right now, the way you feel makes moving on and concentrating on your marriage and family the difficult thing to do. In the short term I'm sure it is. I think it's a safe bet that breaking your wife's heart, destroying her trust in you and perhaps splitting up your family might be tougher in the long run... There's another thread around here somewhere that brings this up - getting over things. It takes as long as it takes, but if you keep hanging on to the past, you're never going to be free of it. I really didn't mean to keep beating the proverbial dead horse and all but I have been in your wife's position and it's not a place I'd want to revisit ever again in my lifetime. And Haunting Lily didn't appear to enjoy her stay there, either. I've also had my own blast from the past, acted on it and it was a BIG mistake (and I didn't even have a significant other to hurt.) It's human nature to idealise things - the reality is never what you think it was. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LongTom Posted November 13, 2007 Share Posted November 13, 2007 I'm hoping it that rather than breaking your heart, letting go can free it. You are clearly torn now. Be whole. Pragmatically speaking, the person to whom those events happened literally doesn't exist now. You have recycled basically all the cells of your body, probably several times. Most of the atoms that were you at the time have gone on to participate in other parts of the great dance that is Creation. If you are wondering why I am harping on this concept, you asked how do we soothe our wounded spirits. This is one way that I do. I have friend who once said something wise to me. I forget what I was grouching over, but he said, "That's okay, you can have that story if it makes you happy." This story isn't making you happy. The story that you are holding onto is really someone else's story now. Someone who looks and acts a lot like you did a long time ago, but who isn't you. Someone who is now basically a fictional character. This story is very compelling; you identify with it strongly; but it isn't your story anymore, not who you are now. You have within you the capacity to put the book back on the shelf and go back to your real life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LongTom Posted November 13, 2007 Share Posted November 13, 2007 Over the last ten years the ex and I have talked several times. Now I know that she is having a hard time in her life and all I want to do is help her. I don't want to give up what I have now for a possiblity but I find it hard to just walk away. Does that make any sense to anybody? That points out another pitfall of relationships: Knight in Shining Armor syndrome. We all want to help others out when they are in distress. Being able to assist feels really good. But when you tangle that up with residual romantic feelings, the whole thing gets blown out of proportion. Not only do you feel noble and good, it feels like you are proving your valor to this person in some fashion. Very validating to your sense of self. A side effect is that your wife is unhappy about the communication, which translates to stress in your marriage. So you have a one-two sucker punch to your marriage: feelings of euphoria surrounding someone else, combined with subtle unhappiness connected with your spouse. Again, being aware of the dynamics may help you cope with them better, since they have to operate under cold hard scrutiny. It's sort of like turning on the work lights in the middle of a play -- all the dramatic atmosphere just goes pffft! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Misson Posted November 13, 2007 Share Posted November 13, 2007 I think Long Tom makes a lot of sense (in several posts, not just that last one). When a relationship ends, end it. As Jill pointed out, even if you could re-enter the relationship (not that you seem to want to...or so you say), you'd be right back where you were. It ended for a reason, leave it go and spend your relationship energy on what you have. "I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.” -Oscar Wilde "If we all worked on the assumption that what is accepted is really true, there would be little hope of advance." -Orville Wright Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NastyNate Posted November 15, 2008 Share Posted November 15, 2008 (edited) ... Edited November 15, 2008 by NastyNate To be happy for a night - get drunk To be happy for a month - get married to be happy for the rest of your life - get a sail boat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NastyNate Posted November 15, 2008 Share Posted November 15, 2008 wow that's old i really need to start looking at dates. To be happy for a night - get drunk To be happy for a month - get married to be happy for the rest of your life - get a sail boat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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